Breathe (11 page)

He'd changed into dark casual trousers and a fine summer shirt in beige, a color that should have been dull but that came to life against his tanned skin and dark hair. His hands were in his pockets, and it had been many years since she'd felt the urge to walk up to a man and kiss him just because she could. She wished she could do so now, but she wouldn't. Too much time had passed between them. They didn't have a future and to indulge in fantasy wouldn't help either of them. She was done with fantasies and fancies. It was just a shame that this particular setting was now the most romantic moment she'd experienced in a very long time.

“Come on, Mama!”

She made her feet move again.

“What have you done?” she asked as she reached the perimeter of the blanket.

“I made a picnic for dinner,” he replied, gesturing for her to take a seat on the blanket. “Actually, we made the picnic, didn't we, Matteo?”

The boy nodded enthusiastically. “I helped.”

“Of course you did. You're always helpful, sweetheart.”

She slipped off her shoes and sat on the blanket, arranging her skirt over her calves so only her toes peeked out.

“Mama, may I have a cracker?”

“Don't ask me, ask Jace. You two are the ones who packed the basket.”

Jace grinned and she warmed. Perhaps some of those words had needed to be said this afternoon, to clear the air. The animosity of earlier had fled. Instead of feeling dictated to, she was feeling pampered.

Jace first handed her a glass of chilled Viognier. She took it from his hand, their fingers brushing. She couldn't meet his eyes. If she did she knew he'd see how a simple touch affected her.

“Matteo, you're in charge of helping your sister.” Jace issued the instruction while Anna stared in surprise. He handed them a plate with crackers, tiny pieces of cheese, and baby-sized pieces of
proscuitto
. He fixed a similar plate for Anna, only in adult proportions, and then one for himself.

It was simple. It was perfect.

A flurry behind them announced a family of loons taking off from the river. Matteo pointed at them with a finger and Aurelia's mouth made an “O” in response. Jace looked at Anna and smiled.

And damn near broke her heart.

She hastily sipped some wine, trying to cover the expression she knew was on her face. He couldn't realize this was all she'd ever wanted. A simple picnic beneath a tree with her children and their father. Only he wasn't their father. He'd made that choice. And for him to make such a gesture now was bittersweet.

“Is everything all right?”

His voice sounded quietly concerned. She looked at the children, laughing and eating together.

“I'm fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Of course she wasn't sure, or fine, or any of those things. In a matter of less than a week, she was falling back in love with him. It had happened even knowing little had changed. They still had different priorities. What a fool she was.

She pasted on a bright smile. “Of course I'm sure.”

“I wanted to apologize for this afternoon, you see. I think you misunderstood what I meant. The last thing I wanted to do is insult you. And I keep feeling like you're trying to punish yourself for something. My words about cleaning were…”

He stopped, swallowed. “I watched my mother work herself to the bone, watched my dad struggle to provide for us and I do not wish that for you. I want good things for you, Anna. You deserve them.”

“I enjoy doing for myself now. Doing everyday tasks gives me a feeling of accomplishment. I enjoy it.”

“I just don't want you to feel like you need to. I can afford to have a cleaning lady, I promise.”

She leaned over and placed a hand on his arm, determined to tell him another truth even if it wasn't the wisest action.

“Jace…I couldn't care less if you can afford it or not. Those things don't matter to me.”

His eyes cooled. “They matter to me.”

She withdrew her hand. “I know they do. They always have.” She couldn't keep the sadness out of her voice.

“I was only trying to be good enough for you.”

Finally, some unvarnished truth. For some reason it was easier speaking this way than it had been before. “Money and things do not make you good enough for me. Stefano had those things but he was a failure as a husband and a father. Why are you so determined to make
things
matter?”

She already partially knew the answer. Because every moment of every day her father had hammered that message home. Jace wasn't good enough because he was poor. The irony was that Roberto had come from nothing, the second son of an Italian immigrant. When it came to his children, a different set of rules applied.

“Because a man provides for the woman he loves.”

The moment halted. Instantly, Anna was transported back to when she had been barely out of adolescence, and Jace had been an energetic youth, full of dreams and plans. She had tried to convince him then that she didn't care if he could provide her with a house and servants and fancy dresses. But he hadn't listened. He'd been so determined to not let anything get in the way of his plans.

Back then he'd said the same thing. A man provides for the woman he loves. It had been his excuse for putting things off, and then for walking away. He hadn't been ready.

He was certainly well-off enough now, and here they were, still on opposite sides. She'd been right. There was too much history between them for them to ever go back. He still couldn't see material possessions were not what a woman needed most. Things couldn't feed the heart.

“And that's where we differ. A man loves a woman, and the rest works itself out. Look at your mama and papa.”

He sat back, putting his plate aside and brushing his hands of crumbs. The children had abandoned their plates and were along the border of trees, picking dandelions and daisies. “My mama and papa were poor and tired. They struggled to put food on the table. They went without more than they should have, and all my father got for his trouble was a paycheck that was enough to get by and a bad back.”

“Yes, that's true. But look at my father. He had everything…a profitable business. A lovely home, servants, luxury cars. And he was miserable. He'd had all those riches, but the woman he loved hadn't cared. And she broke his heart into tiny pieces. So who had the better life, I ask you?”

She paused. Jace was looking out over the water, his jaw set.

“I had a charmed life, and it got blown to hell. I would have traded it all for…”

“For what?”

He turned back to her.

How could she tell him that this was what she'd always wanted? A quiet and simple family evening? She had a fortune in the bank, and Aurelia and Matteo would never want for anything. Except for times like these. They could not be bought.

“I envied you your childhood, did you know that?” she replied, unwilling to vocalize her true thoughts.

“I never understood why.”

“Because there was love and happiness. Because there were no expectations. You were allowed to be exactly who you were. It was a revelation to Alex and me. And yet, you were never satisfied.”

“I was the poor kid.”

“It didn't matter to me.”

“It mattered to
me
, Anna. I always felt a few steps behind, like I had to catch up.”

She held out her glass. “May I have more wine?”

He tipped the bottle, pouring more of the clear liquid into her glass.

“Does it feel odd, talking about all of this now? After so many years have passed?” She angled her head.

“Once upon a time, I would have quieted your chatter with a kiss.” His voice was warm and melted over her nerve endings.

“Once upon a time, I would have pulled the pins from your hair.”

Her pulse jumped as heat flooded her core. So much for time passing and moving on. All it took were softly spoken words on a blanket and she was as much his as she ever had been. “I…I didn't wear my hair up,” she stammered, suddenly nervous.

“Once upon a time, Anna, I would have lain you on this blanket and made love to you in the sunset.”

“Jace…”

His name was choked from her throat, the sound creating a delicious torture of memories. She wished he would lean forward, just a few inches. To feel his fingertips on her skin. To sneak a kiss while the children frolicked nearby. But instead he drained his wineglass and stared off at the children.

“But not now, right?” The words were so cold they felt like a slap. “You made the choice to give that all away the day you pledged to marry Stefano.”

Chapter Seven

“That's not fair.”

Jace looked away. He wasn't sure why he'd said it. A momentary impulse of truth perhaps? The fact that his shock had been utterly and completely real when the announcement of her marriage had been made? Maybe now she needed to realize just how much it had affected him.

But in this moment, it was a way to put distance between them because the memories were coming back and he didn't want to need her again. What he'd said before had been true too. He had been thinking of kissing her. Of touching her and making love to her. Not now, of course. But the memory of doing so in the past touched him so profoundly that it sparked a need in him. A need for her, and that would be a mistake.

He'd nearly given in to his need before, and all it had done was prove his point. He'd wanted to be wrong. He'd wanted to believe that Anna was different, from her father and the other spoiled girls that hung around Morelli. But in the end she hadn't been. And the truth of that still stung. No matter how much their friendship still meant, the fact remained that she'd gone ahead and married a man who could give her everything Jace couldn't.

He'd asked for time, and she hadn't waited. Of all the people in the world, he'd trusted her. He hadn't thought she was like the rest of the rich kids. And even though he knew he was partly to blame, her marriage to Stefano had still tasted like betrayal.

“Many things aren't fair. That's life, isn't it?”

He couldn't stop the hard edge to his voice any more than he could stop the memory of finding her with a ring on her finger when he'd returned from Kelowna. A ring that wasn't his, a two-carat stunner that glittered on her finger. Eighteen years old and a hurried engagement to another man to cover up their mistake—no, his mistake. It had been a punch to the gut, and he'd felt it each time since. Each time he'd seen her with her babies. Even the moment she'd arrived here, so obviously shattered, with that ring still on her hand. He looked down at her hands now. No gold or diamonds adorned the long fingers. She was no longer Stefano's. But neither was she his.

“I know you're angry with me…”

He sighed and began picking up the mess on the blanket. “I'm angry with a lot of things. Angry at your father for his narrow-minded views. I knew his ambition for you was always a good marriage. And yes, at you too. I was angry that you married Stefano, you're right. And I'm more angry that you turned your back on me.”

“Why do you think I came to you?” The words were gentle, and she cocked her head slightly, as if waiting for an answer. Only she didn't wait, she kept on. “Don't you think I know how my father pushed? That I should have stood up to him more? Did you consider that maybe I wanted more for myself? But I went ahead and married his choice and it was a mistake. It cost me my friendship with you too. I have to live with that.”

She lowered her gaze, a flush blooming on her cheeks. “I missed you, is that what you want to hear? And when my world came crashing down it was you I wanted to be with. It was you I thought would understand the most.” She folded her hands. “And yet sometimes I feel like you understand nothing.”

Jace put down the basket and looked at her. She was calm. Really calm, like she accepted everything. How could she, when he was struggling with it so much? How would she feel if she knew that as angry as he was, there was a small glimmer of something in him that made him happy she was free of Stefano?

And for what? He cared about her, it was true. His pulse quickened when she was around. But it was a giant leap from that to wanting everything. She wasn't the same girl she'd been then, and the grownup woman before him was even more alluring. It was becoming harder and harder to reconcile the two sides of her—the woman who'd thrown their chance at a family away, to the one who claimed family meant everything now.

The trouble was he wanted to believe in her. He'd gambled on a lot of things over the years, but he wasn't sure he had enough daring for this.

“Why don't we just leave it behind for tonight? I told Matteo we'd go tomorrow, but let's take the boat for a ride up the river.” He wanted to see a smile on Matteo's face. Little things the boy said told Jace his childhood thus far hadn't been ideal. And he wanted to see the wind in Anna's hair. To see her smile, to be in the moment and not the past.

“He would love that.”

“And you?”

She tried a smile, but it wobbled. “Me too.”

Jace watched as she called the children over and then pointed to the boat bobbing gently next to the dock. He was glad he'd bought it. He was gladder still that he could buy it. He hadn't been able to do such things even a few years ago. But now…he'd built the business enough that he could afford such things. Perhaps this was not a boat like Stefano had had. But his sails would serve no purpose here on the river, and a sleek little motorboat was just the thing. Jace hadn't been in a position to provide things for her back then, but he could now and he wanted her to know it.

“Everyone ready?”

He got in first, lifted Matteo over the side and then reached for Aurelia. Anna paused and then placed the baby in his hands.

He realized it was the first time he'd held Aurelia since the bee-sting incident and she stared up at him with wide brown eyes. Unblinking, she watched him and then placed a small hand on his lower lip and pulled. Her weight felt foreign, but he couldn't say it was a bad thing. He wondered if perhaps this wasn't a good idea. She was so small, and suddenly he felt responsible for her welfare. Not because he had to be but…