Breaking Shaun (47 page)

“So, I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” she asked with her hand on the door.

I could see the hesitation in her eyes, and I knew she could see it in mine, too.

“Yeah, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Natalie nodded before opening her door and getting out of the car. I watched as she walked away. I wished I could chase after her. I wished I had said something to help her sleep tonight, to let her know that she would be okay, no matter what happened between us.

When she disappeared into the building, I let my head fall back onto the headrest behind me and sighed. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Hurting Natalie was the last thing I wanted, but I wasn’t sure what would hurt more—leaving her alone or letting her risk her heart on someone like me. I sat there, staring at the roof of my car.

God, just give me a sign. What am I supposed to do?

I didn’t speak to God much—actually, I never did—but this seemed like a good time to try. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath before lifting my head and starting my car.

I drove home in silence as I continued fighting the war in my mind. I thought about my conversation with my dad. I thought about Marcus and Asia, Rob and Alexis, and even Dre and Jasmine. Everyone around me seemed to be settling down and finding love in their own way.
Maybe Natalie and I can do the same. Maybe our love can survive despite the odds against us.

By the time I parked my car in its usual spot and cut off the engine, I still wasn’t any closer to making a decision.

I sighed and reached for my door handle when I heard a chiming sound coming from under my passenger seat. Reaching onto the floor, I felt around until Natalie’s phone hit my fingers. I grabbed it and held it up to see it was alerting her of a new text.

I still have your panties. You want them back?

My fingers curled tight around her phone, and I felt my heart beginning to fall in my chest. My eyes moved up to see who had sent the text.

Brad.

I couldn’t find my phone anywhere, so I never heard from Shaun about my car. I figured I would stop by his apartment on my way home from work and ask if he’d seen it. I’d probably dropped it when I was in a rush to leave last night. I had been scared that if I stayed with him too long, I would give him the opportunity to voice all the thoughts he was struggling with.

I could tell he had been questioning things between us. The surprise wedding had probably made him ready to run for the hills. I knew how men’s minds worked. Hell, mine usually worked the same way. The thought of openly giving my heart to anyone scared the shit out of me, but this time, things were different. Seeing Shaun surrounded by candles with romantic music playing in the background had made me daydream about one day standing in front of everyone and promising him forever. When I’d seen the distant look in his eyes as Asia recited her vows, it gave me a sinking feeling in my chest.

If he ran away now, it would crush me. I was already in too deep. I wanted to give him more time to think it over, and I hoped it would be enough to help him see that there was something between us worth saving, that I was worth the risk.

But after an entire day of anxiety and fear, I was done. If Shaun wasn’t going to admit his feelings, I would. I couldn’t keep waiting around for him to decide what he wanted. I loved him, and I was ready for more.

As I left work in my Mustang, my hands were sweating against the steering wheel while I contemplated how to tell Shaun I loved him. My heart felt like it was beating a mile a minute, and I thought I might puke. I was terrified of putting myself out there when I had no idea what he was thinking. This night could be one of the best or worst of my life, and it all depended on his response.

It was two thirty in the morning when I pulled my car into an empty spot next to Shaun’s Jetta. I could see a light on through his bedroom window, and I took a deep breath before getting out of my car and making my way toward his front door.

You can do this, Natalie. Fun and adventurous new life.

Lifting my hand, I knocked lightly on the door, and a few seconds later, I heard some movement before it swung open. Shaun was standing there in a pair of sweatpants hanging low on his hips and nothing else. He smelled like liquor, and his eyes were glazed over. I rubbed my lips together as I struggled over what to do next. I didn’t want to profess my love for him while he was drunk, but I was afraid if I didn’t do it now, I never would.
Maybe being drunk will help him be honest with me. Maybe he won’t hold back like he did before.

Shaun didn’t say anything. He didn’t even smile. He just took a step back, opening the door wider for me to walk in. Like always, music was playing on his stereo, but it was louder than usual. An empty bottle of tequila was on his dining room table, and all the lights in the room were off.

When I set my purse down on his couch, I felt Shaun press his body against my back. His arm came around my waist, and he pulled me closer, his hot breath against my ear. My breath quickened when he moved his hand to cup me between my legs. Something wasn’t right though. I could feel it in the way his steady breath blew into my ear, and his hard body was rigid against my back. “Drink You Away” by Justin Timberlake ironically started playing on the stereo, and I tried to turn and face him, but Shaun didn’t let me.

“You want me to fuck you, don’t you?” he asked, his hips starting to move with the beat of the music.

My resolve began melting as his warm body moved closer to mine, his tequila-soaked breath washing over me. I let my head fall back against his chest.

“That’s right. I’ll give you what you want, Natalie,” he murmured against my ear as his hands slid up my sides and cupped my breasts.

“No,” I whispered as my nipples hardened under his touch. “That’s not why I—”

“Yes, it is,” Shaun said, interrupting me.

I lifted my head and turned to look up at him. His eyes were dark and cold, and I instantly felt afraid of what would happen next. I tried moving away from him, but his grip on me tightened.

“What’s wrong, Killer? Isn’t this what you want? Isn’t this what you came here for? We use each other, remember? I use you for these big tits and this ass, and you use me for this,” he growled into my ear as his hand moved down to cup me through my jeans again while he pressed himself against my back.

I started breathing faster, and I could feel tears pricking my eyes as Shaun leaned down and kissed my neck. The pressure around my heart was growing with each second, and I knew it couldn’t take much more. I’d spent so much of my life using my body as a weapon, but now, Shaun was turning that weapon against me. For the first time since we’d been together, Shaun was making me feel cheap.

“Stop,” I said.

He continued fondling me through my clothes, his dick getting harder against my back.

“Stop! What’s wrong with you?” I shouted.

Shaun dropped his arms before taking a step back.

I felt a warm tear rolling down my cheek.

I didn’t want to turn around. I didn’t know why he was drunk or why he was so angry with me, but I knew I had to face him. I could hear Shaun’s heavy breaths coming from behind me, and I could feel the anger rolling off of him. Turning around, I met his eyes, and my chest ached when I saw how empty they were.

“What do you want from me? Fucking tell me what you want!” he shouted, his muscles flexing, as he clenched his fists at his sides.

“I want…” I stopped as sobs rocked my body, and I struggled to take a breath. “I want someone who wants more than just sex from me! I want someone to love me. I want to mean more to you than this!” My shoulders started shaking as I stood there, feeling my heart being torn apart.

Shaun looked up at the ceiling and shook his head as his mouth lifted into a sarcastic grin. His eyes came to mine again, and I wanted to take a step back, but I didn’t. I braced myself, knowing whatever was about to come out of his mouth would hurt. I knew he was about to break me, and I had to try to stop him before it was too late.

“I love you, Shaun.”

His eyes narrowed, and his jaw clenched shut. I felt more tears streaming down my cheeks as I watched him cross his arms over his chest.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending to just be your friend when, inside, I’m dying for you to make me more.” My breath hitched as I began crying harder.

Reaching out my hand, I took a step toward Shaun, but he took one back.

And there it was—my heart breaking inside my chest. I sucked in a breath, and my eyes fell to the floor as I struggled to keep my composure. I’d jumped, but instead of catching me, Shaun had stood there and watched me fall.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out my phone. “Maybe you should talk to Brad about it,” he said, holding my phone out to me.

Brad?
I took my phone from his hand and looked at it.

“Or maybe Jay will listen. Although, I’m sure when you persuaded him to promote you to VIP, he wasn’t exactly thinking of you as wife material.”

Sucking in a breath, I felt my temper rise, and I slapped Shaun hard against his cheek. His head whipped to the side, a red handprint rising on his skin.

“Get out,” Shaun muttered.

I stood there, panting with my eyes on Shaun, as I tried to pick up the pieces of my heart.

“Get. Out!” he said again louder as his piercing green eyes sliced right through me.

I could feel all my hope crumbling around me as I struggled to hold it together. I’d trusted him with my heart. I’d let him into places no one had ever been, and he still couldn’t give that trust back.

Turning my back to him again, I reached down for my purse on his couch, but I couldn’t leave yet. I was too pissed off. He was using Brad as a scapegoat, an excuse to run away.

Facing Shaun, I took a step toward him. “Why don’t you just admit you’re fucking scared? This isn’t about Brad. This is about you looking for an excuse to end things between us. Do you know how many rumors I’ve heard about you? Do you know how many women hate me just because they’ve seen us out together? But I’ve never once questioned you. I’ve trusted you this entire time, and you can’t even do the same for me.”

I paused, my chest heaving with my heavy breaths, as I looked up at Shaun’s blank stare. “If you’re going to end things between us, at least be man enough to admit the truth. I know you care about me, Shaun.” I stopped hoping he would respond.

He didn’t, and his silence hurt more than anything.

Straightening my back and wiping my tears away, I pulled my purse strap onto my shoulder. “I want more, and for the first time in my life, I know I deserve it.”

Shaun’s gaze moved to the floor, and I saw a muscle tic in his cheek, but he still didn’t say anything.

So, I left. I started jogging to my car as I tried holding in the tears threatening to take over. I couldn’t let him see how much he’d hurt me.

When I got into my car, I turned the engine on and threw it into reverse. I had to get away. When I pulled onto the main road, I could feel my heart hardening in my chest as it tried to recover. The people I loved the most always left me with the biggest scars. I pushed harder on the gas, trying to accelerate as I pulled onto the highway, when I saw the thermostat on the dashboard pointing to red.

“No, no, no. Please,” I cried, slowly steering the car toward the shoulder of the road as smoke started billowing out of the hood. “Please don’t do this. I need you. Please, don’t give up on me now,” I pleaded as I lost the battle with my emotions.

My shoulders fell as I sat alone on the side of the highway in my broken-down car
. How fitting that the last thing I still have hope for chooses this moment to quit on me, too.
I wrapped my arms around myself and finally gave in. I’d spent so much of my life being strong and sacrificing my happiness for others that I never allowed myself to dwell on anything. My vision blurred with tears, and two steady streams started coursing down my cheeks when my lungs opened, and a gasp racked my body. I began sobbing uncontrollably as the weight of the world started pressing down around me.

Why can’t I just be happy?