Breaking Shaun (44 page)

Seventeen Days Later…

The last few weeks had been the best of my life by far. I had spent most of my weekdays with Shaun and the weekends with my friends. I had friends now—real friends. Mandy and I would go to the movies together. Asia and I would discuss art and photography. Nick and I had even gone to Hailey and John’s house for dinner. My life felt like it was finally changing. I was letting go of my fears and discovering that maybe life wasn’t so scary after all.

I found myself falling more for Shaun every time I was with him. He had been teaching me how to enjoy my life rather than just survive it. Every Monday, he would take me to do something I’d never done before.

We had gone sightseeing in D.C., we’d danced together in nightclubs, he’d taken me to Chuck E. Cheese, and he’d even gotten me drunk enough to sing karaoke. I’d sung Janet Jackson’s “Any Time, Any Place,” my hips swaying and my eyes on Shaun, as he’d watched me on the small stage. I could tell he’d liked it by the way he dragged his teeth across his bottom lip and how his eyelids lowered over his green eyes. After I had finished, he’d pulled me to a dark corner of the bar and nearly fucked me against the wall.

Shaun and I always had so much fun together, and the sex was reaching new limits. Before, when I had just been using my body, I’d had no idea how different sex could be when my heart was involved. My entire life had changed when I met Shaun, and I couldn’t stand the thought of things ending.

Not labeling our relationship had sounded easy, but it wasn’t. I would still wonder if he was sleeping with other women on the weekends. When we weren’t together, I tried to imagine what he was doing and wondered if he was thinking of me as much as I thought of him. If I were being honest with myself, I’d also say I was growing to resent our arrangement. I couldn’t help but feel like Shaun was only willing to take part of me.

The last few weeks had been like a dream come true. I’d finally shown Marcus my surfboard designs, and I’d even paid someone to make replicas of them, so we could test them out. They were better than I’d imagined they would be, and I could tell Marcus had been impressed. I guessed no one had suspected that I had goals and dreams of my own.

Marcus and I had contacted a few different companies, and things looked promising. I owed it all to Natalie. She was the reason I’d put aside my pride and asked for help, and now, I couldn’t believe I’d waited so long to do it. As much as I tried to show her new things and help her spread her wings, she was doing the same for me.

Natalie was becoming more to me than just a friend. When we weren’t together, I would think about her, and I found myself struggling with my feelings. My single life was becoming less appealing as time went on. Every rule I used to live by seemed insignificant when compared to the thought of not having her in my life. Her laugh, her eyes, and the mind-blowing sex all had me questioning my decision not to label our relationship.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to claim someone as mine.

I was getting ready to leave the shop on a Thursday night when Doug came into my office.

“Shaun, someone is here to see you.”

I looked up from my computer screen and eyed him for a second before responding, “Okay.”

I wasn’t expecting anyone to come by the shop, but it wasn’t unusual for the guys to stop by on occasion. I pushed my chair away from the desk and began organizing my paperwork when I saw movement in the doorway. Pausing, I looked up to see Cupcake standing there. Her hands were clasped in front of her, and she was looking at everything but me. I could feel her nervous energy from across the room.

“Um…hi,” she muttered, her eyes finally meeting mine. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

After gesturing to the empty chair across from me, I sat down again as I watched her approach. I could tell whatever she had to tell me wouldn’t be good, and my heart began beating faster in my chest as she took her seat.

She tucked her long brown hair behind her ear, and I could see her hand shaking before she rested it on her lap.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, moving to rest my elbows on the desk.

Her eyes came to me, and I saw fear in them. I just didn’t know why.

“Um…no, not really,” she told me in a shaky voice.

My eyebrows furrowed, and I studied her, trying to figure out what was wrong.

“I’m pregnant.”

My eyes widened and froze on hers as those words sank in.

I’m pregnant.

I was waiting for her to start laughing. I was searching for any sign that this was all just a bad joke, but she didn’t move. Our night together began flashing in front of my eyes—me unbuttoning her dress, her asking me to fuck her, the drunken haze, kissing, tangled limbs…no condom. I hadn’t used a condom, and now, she was pregnant.

I stood up, and my chair rolled backward. Rachel gasped, surprised by my sudden movement.

Rachel—that’s her name, right?

Shit.

How long ago were we together? Is she keeping it? Is it too late?

“How? I mean…Jesus. I’m sorry. This is…” I couldn’t fucking talk. I couldn’t even think straight. Pushing my hand through my hair, I started pacing the floor behind my desk.

“I’m sorry. I was on the pill, but with all the stress from breaking up with Nathan, I must have missed some. I don’t know,” she admitted as her gaze moved back to her lap.

This can’t be happening. This has to be a mistake.

“Are you sure it’s mine?” I stopped pacing and faced her.

She gave me a sympathetic look. “Yeah, it’s yours. I haven’t been with anyone else, and before you, it had been a month since…” Her voice faded, and her eyes began to well with tears.

“How long? I mean, how long have you known?”

“A few weeks.”

I nodded as I took my seat again.
Maybe it’s not too late
. “So, what are you going to do? Do you need me to help you get an appointment…or something?”

She shook her head as I held my breath. Her next words were going to determine the rest of my life, and all I could do was wait.

“I’m having it. I can’t get an abortion. I just thought you had a right to know. I plan to…I plan to give it up for adoption.” She straightened her back, seemingly confident in her decision.

Adoption?
I sat there in shock as I searched her eyes—for what, I wasn’t sure.

I felt like my world was spinning. She was going to have my baby and give it up for adoption.

Adoption.
That meant I’d never see it. I’d never know my own child. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

Do I have a right to argue? Do I have a right to my own child? Do I want it?

I couldn’t raise a child on my own. I couldn’t even remember to take my trash out.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

She moved to stand up, and I stopped her by getting up and coming around the desk. My eyes moved to her stomach, but I didn’t see anything. My baby was inside of her, and before I even had a chance to accept it, she was already taking it away.

“Please wait. You’ve got to give me a minute to process all of this.”

Cupcake looked up at me as she leaned back into her chair. “I know this is a lot. I considered not saying anything, but I thought you had a right to know.”

I nodded as I moved to squat in front of her. “Are you sure? Are you sure you want to give it up? I could help, you know? I’ll share custody, I’ll pay child support…whatever you want.”

She shook her head and moved her gaze to the floor. “I can’t. My parents will disown me if I keep it. I’m still in school. I can’t raise a baby alone.”

“But you wouldn’t be alone. I’ll help.”

Lifting her eyes to mine again, I could see her tears spilling over and streaming down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry. I can’t. The baby would be better with someone else.”

My mind was working a mile a minute. I had to think of something. I had to do something before she left. “What if I want to keep it?”

Her lips parted as she took in a breath. She hadn’t expected me to say that, and honestly, I hadn’t expected it either. We sat there, searching each other’s eyes, for a few seconds.

“Do you?” she asked.

My head dropped, and I sighed as I stared at the tiles on my office floor.
Do I?
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want, but I do know that if I have a child in this world, I want it to know who I am.”

She sniffed and pinched her lips between her teeth before nodding. I pressed my hand to my forehead and then rubbed my face with it a few times as I tried to process the last ten minutes.

“I just want this baby to have a chance at a happy life, and if you think you can offer that…”

Reaching out, I took both of her hands in mine and stared at her, hoping she would understand how serious this was to me. “If you don’t want this baby, I do. Please don’t sign anything. Don’t give it up for adoption. I’ll find a way. I’ll do whatever I have to do to make sure our baby is happy.”