Breaking Elle (55 page)

Yes, now I’m confident that I’m not gonna make it outta here.

I close my eyes and listen to them go back and forth. I feel Big Ben’s hands come off my shoulders as if a huge weight has lifted. I decide here and now that I am not going to fight anymore. The longer I stay alive, the more danger I put my family in. They continue to talk nonsense about who’s going to do what. Leon and Ben are close by because I can still smell them. I wonder what happened to my little tattooed friend at the bar. Maybe he got fired for doing such a shitty job tracking me.

I should have drawn up a will. I laugh to myself, a twenty-five-year-old with a will. It crossed my mind a couple times but I never did get around to it. I had to put my shit all in one basket, thinking everything was going to be rainbows and motherfucking butterflies in the end. But I didn’t get any of that happy ending. Never have and I guess I never will.

I got to see Momma and Juju one last time. I told Tommy about the money back in Boston just in case things didn’t work out with me, and I ended up where I am now.

I did get to meet Elle. I never did get to tell her I love her. I should have that night I talked to her on the phone. I should have told her a lot of things before I left her. Every minute, every hour, every day I spent with her. I never felt more alive than when I was with her. My memories of her make all my others pale in comparison, faded snapshots next to living Technicolor, and that’s all I need as I feel the cool metal of the gun on my temple.

The rain subsides as Cane and I walk home from the track, holding hands without saying a word to each other. There’s not much more to say. Tyler came over as soon he got my text, and waits quietly with my brother in my living room. Not in the mood to talk, I say goodnight to everyone and head up stairs to my room, trying to make sense of everything. I strip out of my wet clothes, take a quick shower, and welcome the warmth and softness of my bed, but my mind is the problem. I want to push everything out of my mind, but I doubt that will happen. I feel like in a daze and not really understanding why things are happening. If I close my eyes, it just reminds me that I’ve already been here.

“Elle?” His voice floats across my darkened room. He’s exactly the person I need as I sit up in bed to see Tyler standing in the doorway. “You didn’t say anything, and I couldn’t leave without knowing that you’re alright. If you need to talk, I’m here.” I can’t find my voice to speak; my emotions are like an inflated balloon lodged tight in my throat. Waiting for me, he rakes his hand through his hair and motions to leave.

“Wait,” I whisper as I make room for him on the bed. “Can you just hold me, please? I don’t want to talk right now.” I lie down with my back to him and stare out the window, smelling the last of the warm summer rain, feeling the warm breeze come through my window.

“Sure,” he speaks softly.

I listen to the pad of his feet on the floor, feel the bed shift under his weight, and sense his hesitation when he wraps his arms around my waist pulling me close to him. I rest my arms over his and hold him tighter to me, pressing my back into him to feel closer.

Something happens to your heart when you find out how much someone loves you even without ever having the words whispered in your ear or reading the words scribbled on paper. You see it in their eyes. You feel the weightlessness in your heart, an extraordinary sensation of falling deeply, but knowing and trusting that in the end they will catch you.

“You’re so good to me, Tyler.” I breathe. He sighs deeply against me. His breath travels over my skin and rustles my hair, and his steady heartbeat carries me to sleep.

“Hey Elle, wake up.” I hear Tyler’s calm voice and feel his hand gently tapping my shoulder. My body aches, and my head is in a fog from last night. The rain, Cane, and the phone call. Did it happen? I slowly roll over to face Tyler who’s sitting on the bed looking at me with a silly grin on his face.

“God. Twelve hours of sleep. How did you swing that?” He laughs. “I loved cuddling with you for that long, but my legs were killing me. I needed to stretch.” He slaps his legs. “Damn legs.” He chuckles as he looks back at me and brushes my ratty hair away from my eyes.

“I think it has something to do with you.” I laugh softly as I sit up against my headboard in my white tank top and my pink Victoria’s Secret sweatpants. “You make me feel safe.” I scan his face and smile, lean over and give him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.”

“Awww.” He holds his cheek where I kissed him. “You know I’m always here for you.” He blushes and looks down at his hands. “I wish I could get more of those when I’m not saving you. But I guess they’ll just have to do, for now, and as long as I’m not the one breaking your heart, but mending it,” he says as he cradles my head in his hands.

“It’s something, right?” I half smile and hug him before I slowly get up from bed.

“But never enough.” He laughs as he grabs me into his lap. “Are you going to talk to me about what happened last night?” He turns toward me, our faces mere inches apart. His closeness is different from last night, and I’m not sure if he’s feeling it, or ignoring it because right now I don’t feel like ignoring my feelings. But it has to be for the right reasons because Tyler deserves nothing less. I blush at these thoughts and hesitantly stand up, his arms slowly slipping away from my waist. I know that he’s never too far away.

“Cane didn’t tell you?” I ask, turning back to him. He gazes at me with a frustrated look on his faces

“You should know that Cane and I are not on speaking terms.” He frowns. “Plus, I want to hear it from you, not him.”

My heart skips as I recall the conversation with Tommy and think maybe something has changed in twelve hours and Reed is fine. His flight comes in at one this afternoon, and I plan to be there to pick him up as discussed. None of what happened last night even seems real to me.

“I just got a weird phone call from Reed’s friend in Texas,” I reply.

“I told you.” Tyler accuses, shaking his head. “Didn’t I tell you?”

“Tyler, can’t you give him the benefit of the doubt? It could have been one of those drunken phone calls?”

“What do you know about drunken phone calls?” He smirks, squinting his eyes at me.

“Okay, now we’re getting off topic here.” I hazard a tiny laugh, retreating toward my dresser.

“Well, has he called you since last night?”

“I don’t know. I just woke up.” I snip, feeling impatient with him. I snatch my phone from the dresser to check for missed calls or texts. I notice that the last call was the one from Tommy and hide my disappointment from Tyler by scrolling through my messages. I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything. He was probably just busy. I know how it is to fly, and I know that he hates to fly.

“Well?” He deadpans.

I toss the phone on the bed, and go to the closet to find something to wear. “Can you take me to the airport? Reed gets in at one.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Tyler asks as he leans up against his red Jeep looking down at me.

“No, I’ll be fine. We’ll just take a cab home,” I reply as I give him a hug. “Thank you for the ride.”

“No problem. Call me if you need me.” He winks as I turn around and anxiously fight my way through the throngs of business and vacation travelers. Entering the air-conditioned terminal, I check the arrivals on the screen and head towards Gate B to meet Reed. I cannot contain my excitement or the anticipation that I feel pumping through my body. What happened last night doesn’t even register anymore. I don’t want to think about it. I just want to throw myself into his arms when I see him, hug him, and tell him for the first time the words that I wanted to say when he left me five days ago.

I wait. I watch everyone come off the plane. I confirm that he was on the list of passengers, but he was a no show. I try to call his cell phone, and it goes straight to voicemail. He wouldn’t do this to me. Would he? Can he? I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I ball my hands into fists to stop more tears from falling. I want to be angry with him, but I’m angry with myself for going through this again. I knew that I was taking a risk, but for the life of me, I didn’t think he’d do this. All the signs were there from the beginning that he wasn’t right for me, but I couldn’t fight the attraction. I couldn’t stay away, and here I am.

I blink in disbelief, still waiting to wake up from this weird dream. There’s an explanation for everything. He’ll call me; he has too. He said so many things to me when he left that lead me to believe that he’ll come back, but actions speak louder than words.
Now, I’m resorting to clichés to describe my damn love life.
He could call me to tell me that he’s okay and that he’s not coming back, and I would understand. Would I? Am I just saying this to make myself feel better about him not showing up? I knew that there was a chance he wouldn’t come back. I had my fears and even though I said I should prepare myself for this, it hurts too much. Our time was short, but it feels like the pain is much greater than anything I’ve ever felt.

I don’t know how many times I dial his number and hang up. I watch the planes take off and land, and people reuniting with loved ones. I have to close my eyes, thinking that it should’ve been me but it’s not. I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. I don’t know how much time has passed. I know I need to leave, but I’m not quite sure where to go, where I belong. Gut-wrenching panic forces my body to react quicker than my brain can follow. My legs feel full of lead. My knees are weak, and my head is spinning. My body opposes me; I don’t feel anything. I rise, pressing my palms against the window to brace myself, not believing that this is happening to me again. Fighting back the tears that seem to come so easily and so often now, I take a deep breath to gain my composure so that I can move forward and leave this place.

“Elle.”

The voice I always need to hear. The one I always want to hear when I feel like this. I lift my eyes and see his perfect face. As the tears begin to burn behind my eyes, he rushes over before I crumble to the floor, wrapping me in his protective arms. I bury my head in his chest, tears start streaming down my face, and soft sobs escape my lips. I inhale the scent of his skin and his cologne, savoring all that is familiar to me. He rubs my back, rests his head against mine, and brings his lips to my hair. He knew. He was watching me, he knew what I needed, and he never left. He holds me until the pain eases, and I gaze up into his eyes as his arms pull me in so tight that I can barely breathe.

“Tyler.” I whisper.