Breaking Braydon (15 page)

“What did you do?” he asked. He’d calmed down, his face somber.

Don’t you dare feel sorry for me
.

I put my hands over my face. “She asked me to help her and I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was a coward.”

“What did she ask you to do?”

“She knew she would die. There’s no cure for ALS, as you know. She didn’t want to endure the end.” A picture formed in my head of my mom during her last few days. “Before the paralysis took her voice, she asked me to help her. She wanted me to end her life before it became too bad.”

I had a hard time breathing through my sobs. “I didn’t do it, Braydon. I couldn’t. I couldn’t be the one to end my mom’s life. I was selfish. I sat next to her, holding her hand. Do you know what it’s like to die from ALS? It’s a slow suffocation. The muscles in her throat slowly stopped working. Can you imagine it? I let that happen. I let my beautiful mom die like that. Me. I’m to blame for all her suffering. Now it’s up to me to make it up to her. I need a cure. I don’t want another person, another family member, to go through what we did. I owe her that much.”

“Why the disguise?”

“For one, I didn’t want a relationship to interfere with my goals. When I look plain, people generally ignore me. My looks were distracting to some in college, to both men and women. I needed my professors to believe in me, to take me seriously, and to believe in my capabilities. So I changed my appearance. I can’t afford to even think of having the life of a normal person. I won’t ever get married or have children. I’m dedicating my life to my mom. To pay her back for what I did to her.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he stated unequivocally.

“Didn’t you just hear me? My mom died in the worst possible way because of me.”

“I heard you, but you’re wrong. The disease killed your mom. The disease was responsible. Not you.”

“
You’re
wrong. You weren’t there.”

“I didn’t have to be there. Have you been living like this because of your mom?”

“And the horrible boyfriend.” It was the first moment I felt some of the heaviness inside me lighten. He said it was the disease that killed my mom, which was true, but I could have prevented the horrible ending. It occurred to me that he wasn’t judging me. He didn’t think I’d done anything wrong.

His mouth quirked up a little. “And the horrible, asshole boyfriend.”

“Yes.”

“Jain?”

“What?”

“Can we start over? Please?”

He wanted to start over. After everything I just told him. Was he crazy?

“Are you crazy? Look at me.” He couldn’t possibly want this disaster.

“I am looking. I see a beautiful, damaged girl who has the wrong idea about who she is. And when I say beautiful, I’m not talking about your appearance.” He took a step closer.

I took one back. “But…but, you can’t honestly believe that. What I did was unforgiveable.”

“Jain, I want you to listen to me. Will you do that?”

“Okay.” Darn. That slipped.

“I think, if your mom had the opportunity to take back her request, she would. She asked too much from you. You’re a doctor. True, you weren’t one back when she died, but you’ve probably always had the moral code of one. Doctor’s don’t kill; they save lives. She asked something of you that you weren’t capable of giving her. You have to stop this self-blame. You aren’t helping her. You’re only hurting yourself.”

I let his words sink in. “So, you don’t think I’m a terrible person?” I asked, still wiping the tears from my eyes.

He stepped closer, cautiously, like he was approaching a wild horse. “No, I don’t. I think you’re kind of great.”

TWENTY-SEVEN

Braydon

How could I convince her she was wrong? I couldn’t imagine the weight this poor girl carried on her shoulders. She was trying to save the world from this insidious disease single-handedly. She’d been living with a gigantic burden without support from either family or friends. It was a surprise she hadn’t snapped before now. I wanted to hold her and take away the pain.

“You’re freezing again. Come on inside. I’ll get you some coffee,” I bribed.

Her eyes lit up.

“First, we need some rules.” She placed her hands on her hips.

“Oh?” This should be interesting.

“Yes. We can hang out together. You know, see where this goes, but I have one condition.”

“And that is?”

“We have to talk about things. We both obviously have trust issues.”

She focused her eyes on mine, unwavering. Her eyes. God, this was going to take some getting used to. They were a shade of blue I’d never seen before. She’d left her oversized glasses off, and now I had the opportunity to notice more things about her face. She had high cheekbones and a cute little nose. The glasses had overwhelmed most of her features. Without them, she was simply stunning, even with her swollen, red eyes and runny nose.

“If you throw me out into the snow again without asking questions, there won’t be a third time.” She smiled.

“I promise. I’ll ask before throwing. All right? Can we go in now? I’m starting to freeze.”

Before she had a chance to change her mind, I took her hand and towed her back into the warm house.

Once we entered, she stopped short and said, “Thank you, Braydon.”

“For?”

“Making me spill my guts. I’m glad it happened. Not the way it happened, but still, I feel a lot better.” She took a deep breath, shaking her arms at her side. Some of the pain seemed to dissipate with each motion. She was wrong, she
was
brave.

I felt sick knowing the burden she’d been carrying around. “I can’t believe you’ve had to deal with this all this time – on your own. Why didn’t you talk to Colin?” I knew he was her closest friend.

“I was ashamed. Most of the time, it stays buried, so I thought I was handling it. I didn’t want to admit it to anyone. That would make it real.”

I understood how she felt.

“We all have things we don’t want to deal with, even me. Don’t feel ashamed though. Really, Jain, your mom wouldn’t want you to live like this. She’d want you to be happy.”

“I will be once I find a way to stop ALS in its tracks. I can do this, Braydon. I know I can.” Tears continued to fall down her cheeks.

I brushed them away. The achy feeling in my chest returned. I massaged it and hoped it would go away.

“I have no doubt you can. But you need to have a life at the same time. Otherwise, you’ll become a robot.”

She snorted. “Now you sound like Colin.” Her face fell. “Nancy! I forgot about Nancy. I’m sure Colin thought I’d be home by now.” She swung her purse around and rooted around for her cell phone. Once in her hand, she started pressing numbers.

“Colin hates Nancy. This won’t be easy.” She scanned the room and asked, “Where’s Oreo? I haven’t seen him yet.”

“I left him with my dad. He usually takes him when I have a busy week. He won’t admit it, but he loves that dog.” Although I’d never hear the end of his complaining about Oreo’s bite marks on his ankles. The dog just couldn’t help himself.

“Colin,” she cooed into the phone. “I’m fine, really. Yes, I’m with Braydon.” She glanced over at me. “Yes, I’m all right.” Her lips curved up into a smile. “I’m stuck in a beautiful log home in the country so you’re going to have to wait for all the details.”

She turned to me, laughing with those eyes and her smile, and I knew I was lost.

She kept talking to Colin. She hadn’t sensed my total surrender. I was hers. She owned me.

“So, about Nancy. Can you watch her for a little longer?” She cringed. Whatever Colin said wasn’t good. “I know, but if you move slow and don’t try to pet her, you’ll be okay.” She nodded to something he said. “Yes. I know. I owe you.” Another smile. “Yes, I’ll check in tomorrow. Thanks, Colin.”

I walked over to her, took the phone out of her hand, placed it in her purse, and threw the bag over onto the couch five feet away.

“Take off your coat.”

She gave me a long, questioning look. She knew why I was asking. Letting her coat drop to the floor, she didn’t break eye contact. I took a step forward. She backed up against the wall. Taking her hands, I entwined our fingers and raised her arms above her head.

“This won’t take three minutes, and I can promise you, it won’t be awful.”

“I thought we were going to go slow.” She moved closer, her lips a fraction from mine. Our eyes still locked.

“Oh, I plan to go slow. You good with that?” I needed her like I needed my next breath. I held it and waited for her answer.

After a nervous giggle she said, “Okay.”

“Okay,” I answered.

***

I came out of the fog of sleep slowly. There was something warm on my left side and a delicious lavender smell. As I came to my senses, I realized the weight was Jain. My Jain. I was flooded with happiness, a feeling I wasn’t sure I’d experienced since childhood. The day started like hell and ended in heaven. I couldn’t believe I’d wasted all my time with so many women when there was someone like Jain in the world.

She sighed and snuggled closer. Her soft, brown hair was a tangled mess, and her lips curled in a dream-like smile. I wasn’t usually a praying man but said a silent one in my head. I didn’t want to ever lose her. I didn’t think I could bear it.

TWENTY-EIGHT

Jain

I woke up to find myself draped over Braydon. I had a leg and arm wrapped around him like a starving octopus or something. I jumped back, clutching the sheet to my chest. He was wide awake with a grin.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize I would do that in my sleep.” I was mortified.

He grabbed me and flipped me over to my back and pinned me down. “You were also moaning my name.”

“No. I was not.”
Oh no
.

“You were. You kept saying ‘You’re the best’ over and over.”

He looked so sexy with his tousled hair, full lips, and arrogant smile.

“Now I know your lying.”

I tried to squirm free, but he kept me pinned to the bed. I didn’t mind. He kissed me, and I lit up like a Christmas tree. He’d awakened a passion in me I never knew existed.

“I didn’t know it could be like that.” I was overwhelmed with emotion.

“Last night was…there are no words. I’ve never experienced anything like it.” He leaned down and kissed me softly. “I’m not proud of the way I’ve lived my life up until now. I could give you excuses, but there are none. I’m going to change, starting now. I want to be a better man for you. You make me want to be good enough to deserve you.”

His words penetrated me, making me feel warm and content—hopeful. I felt safe with him. Part of me knew I shouldn’t. He’d never been in a relationship before. But neither had I.

“Braydon?”

“Hmm?”

“You do deserve me. You’re the best.” I giggled.

“Damn right I am.” He gave me a wicked smile.

“Can we do that again? That was fun – and totally not awful,” I joked.

He took my hand and kissed my palm. “Yeah. Let’s have some more fun.”

***

Three hours later, I was comfortably ensconced on Braydon’s sofa in front of a roaring fire with a cup of hot chocolate grasped in my hands. We were talking and laughing like we’d known each other for years. There was an ease to our friendship, and thank goodness it hadn’t changed when our relationship progressed to the physical. We were more connected now.

“There’s another snow storm moving in tonight,” Braydon informed me.

“Really?” I couldn’t contain my smile.

“It looks like you’ll be stuck here for at least three to four days.” His grin was larger than mine.

“Such a shame.” I shook my head in mock dismay. “Wait a minute. I almost forgot. Thanksgiving is this Thursday. Will this ruin your plans with your dad?”

“I don’t think so. His car has four-wheel drive, and he loves to drive in the snow. He’ll be here.” He paused. “Would you stay? I’d like you to meet my dad. I think you two would get along.”

The past couple years, I’d tagged along with Colin when he visited his family on Thanksgiving. It was always a good time, but this was way better.

“I’d love to meet your dad. Are you sure I won’t be imposing?”

“Believe me, he’ll love having you with us. Todd usually comes, too. He doesn’t have family in the area. Is that okay?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Of course. I’ll be a little outnumbered with all the men. Oreo is a boy, right?”

“Yes, another boy. You won’t have any luck there. And you’ll need to watch out for your ankles.”

I remembered our first coffee meeting when Braydon had blood drops on his ankles. “Do you have any boots I could wear?” I didn’t want to add bite marks to the scratches that were finally healing. I hoped Nancy and Colin were doing okay.

“If you wear my long sweats, he probably won’t bite you.”

Probably. Not very comforting.

“Will I be wearing your clothes until Thanksgiving? I think I should dress a little nicer when I meet your dad.” I didn’t want his dad to think I was a slob.

“Todd always comes early to get the barbecue fired up for the turkey. I’ll have him pick out some clothes for you. Size six?”

I wanted to roll my eyes, but I held back. Of course he’d know my size with all the women he’d been with. I wondered how many there’d been?
Should I ask him?

“Not as many as the tabloids think,” he answered.

Was my face that expressive, or was it a logical question?

“I wasn’t going to ask,” I replied

“As far as I’m concerned, you were my first.” He pulled me close. “You are the only woman I’ve ever felt…well, anything with. I don’t want you to leave like the others. I want you to stay and do ‘The Not Awful’ again and again.” He chuckled.

“Ha ha. We’ll need to change that to ‘The Spectacular.’ That’s a better description.” It would. I couldn’t believe I’d been missing out all these years. But it was Braydon who made it so special. I think I’d been waiting for him all along.

“It was, wasn’t it?” His striking silver eyes held mine.

All I could do was smile and nod. I was speechless at that moment. He laid me back on the sofa and showed me again what the word spectacular meant. I didn’t think I’d ever get enough of him.