Breach (20 page)

I knew the place, or I had known it. It had been many years since I was last here. Since I last saw…

“Dad…”

Slap!

My head was flung to t
he side, my body twisting with the momentum, my hand slapping against the wall to keep me upright. My eyes opened, but I kept looking down. I turned my head as slow as possible. I started shaking more and more as my gaze inched upwards. Before I could see what was in front of me, I felt breath caress my skin; hot and heavy. A scathing voice spoke into my ear.

“Don’t look at me. Keep your fucking eyes down. I can‘t stand to see you looking at me.”

I complied, not wanting to anger him further.

“I told y
ou. No one will ever love you.”

I heard another familiar voice
, not far away.

The first figure backed away. “You disgust me.
Looking just like her with my eyes.”

I heard footsteps grow closer. There was a slamming on either side of my head
, and I cowered, the tears already stinging my eyes for what was to come.

“You are still such a stupid fucking girl,” h
e growled, inches from my face.

Adam.

I continued to look down, hoping my silence would stay him.

“Everyone hates you
. You should just fucking leave.”

“The moment you turn eighteen, you are gone. I don’t have to s
upport your sorry ass anymore.” Dad’s voice called from somewhere in the darkness.

“Hear that? Gone,” my step
mother, Cheryl, spat. “Maybe if you spread those prude legs of yours and take someone in, they’ll let you stay with them. I hear virgins can fetch a high price. Just throw a bag over your head, that way they won’t have to look at your pathetic face. Because
you
are pathetic.”

There was a reprieve, a short silence before Adam
’s hot breath was in my ear. “Do you think he will ever love you? You know the answer; it’s no. How could he? You have nothing to offer him but your pussy.”

“Please, stop,” I begged.

I tilted my head up to meet his eyes; they were as black as obsidian. He glared down at me, snarling, and his body was shaking. He was the meanest son of a bitch to ever come near me.

His head flew back in laughter; full of menace and hate.
To my horror, I watched as his black hair turned brown, and when his eyes returned to mine, Nathan’s sea-blue’s glared back, bright and menacing.

“They’re right. Do you honestly think you can ’fix’ me and that I’ll love you, Lila?”

My eyes dropped back to the ground. I was shaking, hard. My chest was too tight.

“Lila…”

“How could I ever love you?”

“Lila…”

My whole body was moving; my stomach clenching. I felt like I was going to be sick.

“Look at me and then look at yourself. Do you really think someone like me could ever be with someone like you?”

“Lila…”

The shaking continued, rattling my body back and forth
.

“Lila!”

My eyes snapped wide open. Light greeted me, and I found myself staring straight into blue; Nathan’s eyes. His real eyes, bright and full of worry.

The darkness was gone.

My stomach turned, and the bile was rising up, escaping. I kicked off the covers and rolled to the side, pushing my body up from the bed. I could still hear him calling to me as I attempted to run.

In my haste and diz
ziness, I began stumbling, almost falling to the ground. I managed to pick myself up before I went crashing to the floor. I made it to the bathroom, and reached the toilet. My retching echoed off the walls as I heaved the bile and acid flying from my stomach.

Dry he
aves racked me, my body attempting to expunge the dream, to purge it from my mind and soul. Every part of me was shaking, and it took a moment to gain the strength to stand.

Years.
It had been years since I had a nightmare like that: intense, real, terrifying. The magnitude was so great my body attempted to rid itself of the images, of the words. I sat on the floor in front of the toilet, while my breathing regulated. My heart was hammering against my chest, beating furiously in an attempt to escape.

Flee. Everything in me wanted to flee.

I could feel his eyes on me: watching, observing, and waiting. I didn’t want him to see me in such a pathetic state. Vulnerability was a weakness I could not afford to show. It would be just another reason for him to leave me—another thing that would be too much for him to handle.

After a few minutes
, I could breathe again, and I pulled myself from the floor. It wasn’t an easy task with my body still shaking and my legs still feeling like limp noodles from our previous night’s activities. I wobbled a bit before inching to the sink and grabbing my toothbrush from the holder.

I brushed my teeth
in utter silence, but I could still feel him watching me in the mirror. He stood next to me, grabbing his toothbrush as well. My eyes avoided him. If I didn’t look at him, perhaps I would be spared.

No.

It was Nathan. Not Adam. Not my dad, Steve. Not Cheryl.

Nathan.

I was still trapped, weighed down by my nightmare. I thought I heard him calling my name, but it was almost like it was through the water that had crashed around me, drowning everything out.

I was lost, I didn’t know what to do, how to a
ct. I needed to leave. Get out.

Get out!

Get out! I want you out of my house.

“Lila!” Nathan yelled. His hand slammed on the wall in front of me, blocking my exit.

I flinched and backed away. My eyes grew wide as I stared at him before I looked down at the ground. With slow, measured steps I walked backward until I hit the wall, my eyes glued to the floor.

“Lila?”
he questioned. It was obvious he was taken aback by my actions.

T
he concern in his voice at my reaction filled my ears. I tried to push it back down, back into its hole, but the dream was still so raw and fresh, reverting me back over ten years. I felt my stomach coiling again.

In my peripheral
vision I saw his shadow move against the tile floor. It wavered as he took a step forward. My blood ran cold, my eyes wide, my breathing stopped.

I was frozen in fear.

“Lila?”

I still couldn’t respond.

How could
he
ever love you? How could anyone?

I
saw his arm rising toward me and I braced myself, trying not to flinch, unsure of what to expect. His fingers moved under my chin and lifted my head up to meet his gaze, but I locked it in place.

He growled and the sound
sent a shockwave through me, igniting the spark. His fingers made a light trail around my neck and into my hair, leaving fire in their wake. He wrapped his fingers around my locks and gave a forcible tug. My eyes rose to meet his steel, pained ones.

He paused, staring at me,
waiting for recognition to take hold. For me to see that is was him, Nathan, standing in front of me, and no one else. My vision cleared, the pounding in my ears lessening.

My body bowed to his, my chest rising, as if he was pulling me to him with an invisible
cord. I knew his touch,
loved
his touch.

I was reminded that
I wasn’t afraid of his hands on me. Not his. They were aggressive and forceful, but different as night and day to the touch I’d once known. I didn’t shy away from Nathan, but moved toward him. My whole body gravitated to his.

The
fear melted away when he pressed his body to mine. My heart sped up at his proximity, as it always did; it drummed loudly, drowning out any other sound.

His eyes were dark now; they always darkened when he knew he had me.

Lips came down and pressed hard against mine, his tongue begging for entrance. The moment I surrendered to him, his control slipped; he pushed me into the wall, deepening the kiss, building it into a frenzy.

After a moment h
e pulled back. His hand released my hair and brushed a few strands away from my face.

“Tell me,
” he said.

My eyes
were frantic as they looked around, waiting for one of the voices to say something.

Nathan’s hand grabbed hold of my jaw to keep me facing him.
“It’s just you and me. Now, tell me.”

“A dream,” I whispered. “It was just a nightmare, that’s all.”

He heaved a sigh and stepped away. The small motion tore at my chest, and I found my hand reaching out to him, my eyes wide with fear. I watched sadness and anger cross his face at my reaction.

“Come on,” he said
, turning and walking to the shower. He leaned in to turn on the water, his back facing me. My eyes wandered over his skin, studying the scars there.

Of their own accord, my feet moved to stand behind him, my hand reaching out and tracing along t
he lines. He jumped, startled by my approach. As the water heated, he allowed my exploring to continue.

Nathan had scars on the outside to match the scars he held on the inside, where
as mine were all inside. The physical pain he endured topped with the emotional…I understood why he said those things, but it still hurt so much to know he wanted to be dead.

I wasn’t going to be enough to keep him here. I co
uld barely keep myself standing; how could I save him?

The thought was crushing. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him back to me. I began crying into the space between his shoulder blades, my arms locking in place, keeping him from turning around.

“Lila.” His hands pried mine off and he pulled me in front of him.

He gazed down at me
, and I knew he could see the tears sliding down my cheeks. He sighed before walking me backward into the shower. The water was hot against my cool skin as we entered the dual spray. I let the water run down my face, into my hair, rinsing away the dream, but my body wouldn’t relax.

My eyes traveled over his body as I
washed my skin. I scrubbed harder, trying to get the words, the memories off me. After I was rinsed clean, I stepped in front of him and my fingers began trailing along the large scar that ran down the side of his ribs and across his hip.

It was a daily reminder to him eac
h time he looked in the mirror. He couldn’t escape his past.

My past might
have dictated the type of person I was, but I had control over the person I would become. They couldn’t control me anymore. I hadn’t seen nor talked to them in years.

It
was what I told myself over and over, but there were still times it wasn’t enough.

Rig
ht then was one of those times.

My fingers returned to tracing the slightly raised, lighter colored skin. I could feel his eyes on me, watching. I looked up to find that his normal cockiness wasn’t showing, just pain, confusion
, and…
wonderment
?

His fingers trembled as they ghost
ed over my skin, his lips brushing against mine.

There was only the sound of rushing water, and the hitch of his breath.

Each pass, caress, was like a shock, sending warmth through me to beat back the cold from my dream. Each stroke was bringing me back to him.

My eyes were heavy as they followed his every movement.
He took my right hand, and floated it up to his lips. His mouth washed over each knuckle, his eyes on mine the entire time.

His actions held me breathless and spellbound, and spoke volumes in their silence.

He was devoted to me, even if he could never allow himself to love me or say the words; he
did
care. I
meant
something to him.

Tears welled at the corners of my eyes, and I hiccupped as I tried to hold in the emotions trying to burst out of my heart.

He didn’t speak, but he didn’t need to. Ghosts of my past were trying their damnedest to take me down, while Nathan was pulling me back.

It seemed like he had to be as close as possible, to make me concentrate on him – to focus on what mattered.
I felt his beating heart, his breath across my skin. He rained worshipping kisses across my cheeks, down my neck, and along my shoulders. I couldn’t ignore the language that his body spoke, it was louder than any verbal sentiment he could ever give. That was all I knew in that moment—he was my anchor.

Once he realized I was o
ver the worst of it, his touches became more urgent, his kisses more intense.

He ran his nose up my neck to my ear. “Relax, baby,” he whispered. “Do I have your attention now? I need you here with me.”
He knew and understood what I needed more than anyone ever had before.