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hand. “You’re not alone, Nathan. Not anymore.” She angled her

head, her hair still wet and sticking to her neck. “I’d like to meet Trevor now.”

She stared at me, her clothes wrinkled— my T- shirt two sizes

too big— and I thought that she was the most perfect creature

I’d ever seen.

“Trevor would have thought you were the coolest thing ever.”

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“I’m counting on it,” she said slowly and then opened

her door.

Less than five minutes later, we stood on the fifth floor, and

the fear that had been dodging me all day was back, and it was

back hard. I dropped Monroe’s hand and shoved my own deep

into the pockets of my jeans, avoiding the curious gazes from

the nurses behind the station.

“Can I help you?”

The tall one came around the desk, eyebrows arched as she

waited for us to answer.

“I…” Shit, my voice sounded worse than when I was twelve

and it started to change. I cleared my throat, my gaze moving

past the nurse to where Trevor’s room was.

“Nathan’s here to see his friend, Trevor Lewis,” Monroe said.

The nurse’s eyes narrowed, and she cocked her head, her eyes

never leaving me. A moment passed. And then another.

My heart sank, because I saw the recognition in her eyes. She

knew who I was. The screw- up who was responsible for Trevor

being here. There was no way she was going to let me walk past

the damn desk.

What the hell had I been thinking?

“He
needs
to see Trevor,” Monroe said forcefully. “You have to at least let him try.”

“Honey, I don’t need to do anything,” the nurse replied, her

hands now on her hips as if she’d made it her own personal

mission to keep us away.

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“Brenda…” I looked her in the eye. “Brenda Lewis, his mom,

told me to come by when I saw her today. She said that he

might…” I rolled my shoulders and tried to keep it cool. “She

said that he might not make it ’til morning.”

Shit. Hearing those words was tough; saying them was

even tougher.

Something softened in her eyes and she sighed, shaking her

head. “I’m sure she meant for you to come before nine. I’m

sorry, but it’s too late, and it’s against hospital policy.” She shook her head. “I’m going to have to ask the both of you to leave.”

And that was it. Over before it could start.

“Are you kidding?” Monroe pushed past me, and for a second,

I thought she might actually hurt the nurse. “Can’t you see what

this means to him? Trevor is his best friend. He
has
to see him.

You have to let him.”

The nurse shrugged. “I understand what you’re saying, but

we have rules and we have them for a reason, and if you don’t

leave quietly, I’ll have to call security.”

“Monroe, it’s no use. Let’s just go.” I grabbed her elbow and

would have turned except I heard a voice call my name, softly,

but there was no mistaking the gruff undertone.

“Nathan.”

I looked past the nurse and spied Mike Lewis standing just

outside Trevor’s room, and if it was possible for everything

inside me to freeze, it did. My lungs. My heart. My brain.

Everything stopped, like time was winding backward. I felt like

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I was standing in ice, as if the blood rushing through my veins

was frozen and slow.

The nurse was still chattering in my ear, though she’d moved

a bit and I had nothing blocking my view. I had no idea what

she was saying, because there was nothing but Mike in my

vision. In my head.

Nothing but a slow blow to my heart.

Trev’s dad looked as if he’d aged ten years since I had seen

him. His skin was gray and his eyes, shit, his eyes were sunken,

glassy, and so full of pain, I felt it like a physical blow.

As if he’d balled up those massive fists at his side and smashed

them into my face.

For the longest time, he stared at me, those sad, angry, and

haunted eyes pinning me hard. I wasn’t sure what he was going

to do. Was he going to finally kick my ass? Would that somehow

make him feel better?

Because I gotta tell you that if it would, I’d gladly let him beat me. I’d let him lay his hands on me and get whatever relief he

could. Anything to make his pain go away.

He pushed off from the wall and walked toward us, his gait

slow. He was a big man, intimidating to most with his shaved

head, tattoos, and massive shoulders. Yet when I looked at him,

I saw the guy who took Trevor and me fishing every Friday after

school when we were ten. The guy who helped us build go- karts

and who rushed me to the emergency room when I broke my

arm after an epic crash.

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I saw the guy who let us play our loud ass music ’til all hours

of the evening and who would watch us, bobbing his head even

though I knew he’d rather listen to Big & Rich.

I saw the guy whose heart I had shattered.

He stopped a few inches away, his sleeveless wife- beater

stained down the front of his chest— coffee maybe— and it

was wrinkled, like he’d slept in it or grabbed it off the floor to come here.

He rolled his shoulders, his eyes never leaving me, but there

was no danger in his voice when he spoke. He just sounded

really tired.

“You look like shit, Everets.”

I nodded. “I guess I do.”

Mike ran his hand along at least a week’s worth of stubble on

his chin and his eyes slid to Monroe. “You again.”

Wait. What? When the hell had they met?

I looked at Monroe, but she faced Mike Lewis, legs spread,

arms at the ready as if… Hell, she looked like she was willing

to fight him if she had to. And if it was possible for my heart to squeeze even tighter, it did.

That’s what this girl did to me.

“Me again,” she said softly.

“Mr. Lewis, I was just telling them it was too late for visiting

hours.” The nurse shifted on her feet, suddenly unsure.

Yeah, it was a long night, I got that, but I didn’t care that she was tired of my shit. I didn’t care about anything other than Trevor.

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“I thought about what you said,” Mike said gruffly, his gaze

still on Monroe. “You were right.”

I watched the two of them, not really understanding what

was going on and wondering when the hell Monroe had hooked

up with Trevor’s dad.

“Thank you,” Monroe said quietly.

“For what?” Mike answered.

“For being strong enough. For letting him in,” Monroe

replied.

Mike nodded abruptly and asked, “Can I have a moment

with Nathan?”

“Actually, I’ve got to go,” Monroe said softly.

My gaze swung from Trevor’s dad back to Monroe. “What? No.”

Shit. I couldn’t do this without her.

I reached for her but she ducked away, shaking her head,

her soft eyes wide, their paleness shimmering beneath the harsh

lights overhead.

“This isn’t the place for me. Not right now.” She hunched her

shoulders. “Go. See your friend. Be with Trevor.”

But I was shaking my head, suddenly so terrified my legs

nearly buckled.

“You need to do this, Nathan, and when it’s done, whatever

happens, I’ll be here for you.”

I reached for her and she came, sliding her arms around my

waist so that I could hold her for as long as she would let me.

It was enough. Touching her was enough.

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In that moment, I felt like I could do anything.

I brushed my lips against her forehead and leaned close to her

ear. “I love you.”

Her hands clasped mine. “Ditto.”

And then she was gone.

“She’s special, that one,” Mike said softly.

I nodded and turned, making no effort to hide the pain and

remorse and anything else that was inside me.

“Mr. Lewis,” I said, but he interrupted me.

“It’s Mike. It’s always been Mike.”

A lump the size of a golf ball appeared from nowhere, and I

had to clear my throat several times before I could speak again.

I felt tears pricking the corners of my mouth, and it took every-

thing inside me to keep them away. In the end, it didn’t matter,

and I scrubbed at my eyes and exhaled loudly.

I couldn’t remember a time when my body wasn’t tight.

Couldn’t remember a time when there wasn’t pain. Sure, I knew

it was back there— back before that night— but as I stood in

front of Trevor’s dad, I thought that I would never remember

what it was like before then, no matter how hard I tried.

“How is he?” I asked carefully, forcing the words out one at

a time.

I held my breath, afraid I’d been too late and that my worst

nightmare was about to become a reality.

Mike clasped me on the shoulders but I still couldn’t look

up at him. I was too afraid. Too much of a coward. I felt

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his forgiveness. Felt it wrap around me like a spider’s web,

and yet…

I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t deserve it and I wasn’t strong enough to face this reality if Trevor wasn’t going

to be in it.

So I stared at my muddied boots and prayed like I’ve never

prayed before.

“He’s still with us.”

The air whooshed out of me so quickly that if Mike’s hands

hadn’t have been on me, I would have fallen on my ass.

“I brought his guitar, you know. Thought maybe music

would help him fight this infection. Maybe music would bring

him back, but…” He sucked in a breath and paused.

Slowly I looked up. “But?”

A sad smile touched his mouth. “I suck, remember? I only

know a couple of chords, and G and C don’t really cut it.”

His smile widened and then he laughed. He laughed so hard

that his body shook and his fingers dug into my shoulders pain-

fully. I wasn’t sure if he was going crazy or if he was just so tired he didn’t know what he was doing.

He stopped abruptly and squared his shoulders. “I’m sorry,

for the way I was after the accident. It was wrong to put all the blame on you and I…I have no excuse other than I was in a

goddamn black hole and I needed someone to hit. It was you.”

He cleared his throat. “There was only you.”

“It’s okay,” I said quietly.

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And it was.

“Would you play for him? I mean, I think it might help.

Maybe spark something inside him.”

I couldn’t answer. There was no way I was getting any words

out. But I nodded. I nodded like a goddamn bobble head and

followed Mike Lewis back down the hall.

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I was dreaming about Malcolm. It was summer. Hot and humid

with air so thick you could practically see it.

It was the kind of day when the pavement burned right

through your sandals. The kind of day you’d spend hours

running through the sprinklers at the water park. It was the

kind of day when everything is slow and lethargic.

It was the kind of day when bad things happened.

I’d had this dream before, and it always ended the same. I lost

Malcolm, there in the shadows, the deep ones that the sun didn’t

seem able to find.

I lost him, and usually I heard him crying for me. For Mom.

For Dad.

The sound drove me insane, but this time…this time there

was no crying. For a while, there was nothing— I knew he was

gone but there was just nothing.

Then I heard his laughter riding the air like bubbles falling

over a waterfall. They were light, dancing in the air. Clear, round sparkles that filled my chest until I couldn’t breathe.

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“Malcolm,” I whispered, afraid that the sound would go

away. God, I didn’t ever want it to go away.

But it did.

His giggles faded until I couldn’t hear them anymore, and no

matter how much I tried to find them…to find that slice of time

where he existed, I lost him.

I lost him in the sunlight and the water and the endless heat.

• • •

remembering how he sounded. How he smelled. How he felt.

My skin was drenched in sweat, and I was still in the clothes

I’d worn the day before. My hair looked like it hadn’t been

combed for days, and I groaned. Ugh. I needed a shower.

Sunlight poured into my room, and the clock on the dresser

across from me told me that it was nearly noon. I grabbed my

cell but there were no messages from Nathan. I guess that was a

good thing. In this case, no news was good news.

The hot water felt like heaven, but the restlessness in me

had me showering as if I was running a race, and less than