Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (3 page)

29

Courtship Isn't

the Point

Getting Past a Debate over Terms and Back to What Really Matters

M

y friend Andy is in love. These days you can't talk to him for two minutes without him grabbing you by the shoulders, shaking you, and shouting, "I'm in love! Can you believe it?" His excitement is infectious.

Right now the scruffy, blond biology major is trying to figure out when and where to ask his girlfriend, Lori, to marry him. He's got the ring; he's just waiting for the perfect moment. "She keeps trying to guess when I'm going to propose," he says and laughs. "It drives me nuts. I tell her, 'Will you be quiet and just be surprised?'"

The two college seniors have a lot going for them. First, they have a solid friendship that began long before they became interested in each other romantically. Second, they love God deeply and have sought to honor Him throughout their relationship. And, third, they're surrounded by friends in their church who are supporting and advising them.

But it's not good enough. At least that's how Andy
feds
sometimes. Why? Because his relationship with Lori looks
different
than the relationships of others in his church. From watching couples he admires, Andy has the impression that a true Christian romance means that you secretly talk to the girl's dad before she even knows you like her and that you then have a courtship under her parent's supervision.

That plan worked well for several of Andy's friends who are now happily married, but much of it just didn't fit his circumstances. He and Lori met in college, studied together as friends, and then fell in love. To top it off, Lori's parents live in New Jersey and aren't Christians. When Andy called them to ask about starting a relationship with their daughter, her dad was almost annoyed. "What are you calling us for?" he asked.

Andy is genuinely confused. "I'm not even sure what to call our relationship," he tells me. "Is it a courtship? I guess it can't be-we just didn't do things right."

Is There a "Right" Way?

Did Andy and Lori do something wrong? I don't think so. Nevertheless, their story raises an important question: Is there such a thing as a "right" way to do relationships? And if there is, who defines it? Who names it? Should we call it dating or courtship? Is one term godlier than the other?

These days when a couple like Andy and Lori look around for examples of what Christian relationships should be, they're likely to get a very mixed message. On one hand, they'll meet Christian couples dating just like non-Christians. These relationships are selfish and marked by jealousy, often pushing (if not totally ignoring) the boundaries of purity. Instead of the

On the other hand, Andy and Lori will encounter couples who embrace a specific list of do's and don'ts that they call "courtship." Though some of their ideas can be helpful, even biblical, their rule-based approach often leads them to trust more in man-made regulations than in God Himself. Love for God isn't the center of their relationships; pride in their methods and performance is.

What I'm describing are the two extremes of
lawlessness
and
legalism.
Lawlessness throws off God's commands and lives for self. Legalism, on the other hand, self-righteously trusts in human rules. But these extremes are like two ditches on each side of a road. Sadly, many of us spend our lives swerving back and forth between the two-pulling ourselves out of one ditch, only to drive right into the other!

God's road to marriage stays on the high ground between the two extremes. It doesn't abandon the Bible's principles and commands, but neither does it resort to formulas.

Scuffling over Terms

What I hope you see is that avoiding lawlessness and legalism is far more important than whether we use the word
dating
or the word
courtship.

I happen to like the term
courtship.
It's old-fashioned, but it evokes romance and chivalry. I use it to describe not a set of rules, but that special
season
in a romance where a man and woman are seriously weighing the possibility of marriage. I think it's helpful to distinguish between undefined and directionless romances (what I said goodbye to) and a romantic relationship that is purposefully headed towards marriage. But the

None of us should allow a debate over words to distract us from what really matters in relationships. "Dating versus courtship" isn't the point. I've known "serial couriers" who lived like the devil and "saintly daters" guided by integrity and holiness. In and of themselves, the terms they used to describe their relationships were meaningless. The way they lived is what really mattered. Terms don't define our lives; our lives define our terms.

Today many Christians are disillusioned with the way romantic relationships are handled. We desperately want something better. But what we long for won't come by putting a new name on old attitudes. We have to change! We need
new
attitudes based on scriptural values and a radically God-centered view of pursuing an intimate relationship with the opposite sex.

People often ask me, "How do I
do
courtship? What are the rules?" I don't have an answer for them, because they're asking the wrong questions. The right questions are: "What's my motive for being in a relationship? How can I live for God as I pursue marriage? How can I stop living selfishly? How can I serve others?"

Do you see what's happening when a person jumps over these important heart issues and starts trying to "figure out courtship"? They're skipping the much more important process of examining
what they're living for
and
how they're living.

Jesus on What Really Matters

I believe that getting our romantic relationships right as Christians means seeing God's glory as the ultimate purpose of

In the Bible we read the story of a teacher of the law who heard Jesus debating with the Pharisees. He was impressed by Jesus' wisdom and asked him a sincere question. "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

The man was asking for the essence of God's requirements. He wanted Jesus to sum it all up for him-to help him see the heart of the law. Isn't that exactly what
we
need when it comes to relationships? We want to know what
really
matters to God as we pursue marriage. When we sweep aside all the human customs and traditions and opinions, what remains? Jesus gave this answer:

"The most important one...is this.... 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:29-33)

Jesus is saying that what really matters in life is to love God with every fiber of our being-heart, soul, mind, strength- and to let that love spill over into the way we treat our fellow man. He's telling us that if we want to get
life
right, we need to make it about
God.
Another way to put it is that we need to see God's glory as the greatest purpose of
every
part of life. "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).

Do you see how Jesus' teaching sheds light on the issue of dating and courtship? When we apply Christ's words to our question, we see that what matters most in our relationships with the opposite sex is living to glorify God. What does this mean in practical terms? This easy-to-remember definition helps me:

Living to glorify God means doing everything... for Him, His way,

to point to His greatness and reflect His goodness.

So how does this translate into real life for a man and woman in a purposeful romantic relationship? Let me share five characteristics that I consider the "essentials." We'll enlarge on these in later chapters, but for now they'll give us an outline. Though these characteristics will be expressed differently in different people's lives, when our relationships are truly "for God," these essentials will be present.

1. Joyful obedience to God's Word.

If we are going to do things God's way, submission to His Word is nonnegotiable. Deuteronomy 4:2 says, "Do not add to what I command you and do not subtract from it, but keep the commands of the LORD your God."

It's a mistake to think that we can pick and choose from the commands of God's Word. Recently, a friend named Noel, who had moved to California, told me and several other people via e-mail that she and her fiance, Derrick, had decided to move in together before getting married. Dismayed by the news, we

Noel wouldn't listen. She wrote back to tell us that they both loved God very much and felt that it was okay. Besides, it would save them money. They knew God would understand.

Like Noel and Derrick, many couples think obedience to the Word of God can be based on feelings. But it just isn't true. Jesus said, "If you love me, you will obey what I command" (John 14:15). People in a God-glorifying relationship want God's will more than anything else and follow the commands of the Bible no matter what the cost.

Disobedience dishonors God. When we choose to rebel against His commands, our actions say that He doesn't know what He's talking about, that His Word is outdated, and that He isn't trustworthy. But when we say yes to God in our relationships -even in small areas-we bring Him glory Our actions say that His commands are good and that He deserves to be obeyed.

2. The selfless desire to do what's best for the other person.
This important quality of a God-glorifying relationship is summed up in the Golden Rule: "Do to others as you would have them do to you" (Luke 6:31). It's simple, and yet it encompasses every facet of a relationship.

Sincere, Christlike love for the guy or girl you're in a relationship with is the natural outgrowth of love for God. The two are so closely intertwined that it's difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins-they weave in and out of each other. This is why when Jesus was asked to name the

We glorify God in our relationships when we put our needs aside and base our decisions on what serves the interests of the other person. Listen to the kind of questions we ask when we're guided by a selfless desire to do what's best for another:

Is starting this relationship now what's best for him?

Will expressing all my feelings now serve her?

Are my actions encouraging him to love God more?

Am 1 communicating clearly and in a way that helps her?

Does the way 1 dress encourage him to have a pure thought life?

Will kissing her be what's best for her in the long run?

A selfless desire to do what's best for the other person can guide us in the big and small decisions of a relationship. It's not tedious. It's an expression of sincere love and the defining mark of a Christian relationship. "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:35).

3. The humble embrace of community.

We're going to take an in-depth look at the importance of community in chapter 8. For now it's enough to say that if God's glory is truly our passion in a relationship, we won't be too proud to admit that we need help. The Bible states, "The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice" (Proverbs 12:15).