Bound For You: Men in Blue, Book 6 (3 page)

Julie shook her head as hard as she could. She refused to speak to him, even though he seemed less scary than he had a minute ago. She even noticed he had a cute puppy on a red leash that she would have liked to pet if her uncles or Aunt Shari were around.

“Okay. Well, it was good to meet you.” He shrugged, then waved kind of uncomfortably. “Sorry. Again.”

As the man began to back away, Julie wanted to kick herself. Why was she so afraid of dumb things? He had been kind of nice, not really scary at all. Now he was gone, and all she had to do to pass the time was think of the horrible things that could be happening inside her house.

Julie wondered how old she’d have to be before Uncle Ben would let her get a tattoo. She wanted to be just like Aunt Shari when she grew up. Not afraid of anything or anyone…not a stranger, not nightmares, and not even two big, strong uncles like hers when they were yelling.

She spent the rest of the time it took for the grown-ups to stop fighting drawing designs on the floor of her fort with a stick. Maybe Uncle Ryan would take a picture of her art to show Aunt Ellie so they could make them prettier together. She was the best artist Julie knew and she had tattoos too.

Now that she thought about it, all the bravest women she knew did.

They could be her armor.

Maybe she could ask Uncle Ben for a tattoo for her birthday next week. She would turn nine then. Could that be old enough? He kept asking her what present she wanted. She hadn’t answered because before all she’d really hoped for was for things to go back to normal and she thought telling him that might make him sadder.

Julie closed her eyes and wished again for that.

Or a tattoo.

Then she scampered down the tree, grabbed the teddy bear, and hauled it up to her fort to wait.

I
nside
, Shari was freaking the fuck out.

She had no clue how she was going to force these two overgrown knuckleheads to behave themselves long enough to convince them they were screwing everything up royally. Before she could devise a semblance of a plan, something they were shouting stole any power of concentration she might have had and threw her headlong into their fracas.

“You said it yourself, Ry. You were thinking about
Shari
while you were jerking off last night!” Ben roared.

What? She stumbled, leaning against the wall of the entryway. Giant gulps of air weren’t enough to fill her lungs, and she swore her eyes nearly popped out of her head and bounced down the hall like rubber balls.

Goodbye logic, hello emotions.

Though she desperately wished her morals would permit her to lurk in the shadows and eavesdrop, she couldn’t spy on them when they were discussing her. When they had the rest of this conversation—and she fully intended to make sure they did—they would know she was listening intently to whatever convoluted bullshit they’d concocted while she pictured, in great detail, the aforementioned stroke session.

But would they be as honest then?

Visions of hard male flesh wrapped in long, hastily shuttling fingers dissipated. Her fists balled at her sides as she charged into the kitchen and warned them, “Keep it down, you idiots. You’re frightening Julie.”

Not to mention how inappropriate their accusations had turned. They probably didn’t want the little girl outside, not to mention the whole rest of the neighborhood, knowing about what went on up here in the midnight hours.

In an instant, their growly shouts muted.

Step One achieved, anyway. Shut them up, check.

Stunned, they turned to her in unison.

“Shari?” Ryan flashed her a wan smile. Was it relief that momentarily relaxed his tensed jaw and uncreased his forehead? Or something else entirely? Guilt? Embarrassment? They had to realize she’d overheard that last juicy bit of their argument.

She honestly had no idea what they were thinking, not even after months of rehashing each of their conversations, encounters, and non-events in her mind over and over.

Hell, they would always be a mystery to her in a lot of ways. One that fascinated her, like Bermuda Triangle disappearances or trying to figure out who shot JFK enthralled other people. How could two men be so amazing, loving, funny, and kind when it came to the little girl they both adored, strong enough to have willingly endured captivity and abuse to save their families, and yet be so hurtful to each other? And her.

It didn’t make any sense.

Worse yet, she had no clue how to fix things, though she sensed the potential arcing between the two men. If she could be included in their bond, even sort of tangentially, all the better.

“Hey.” She lifted her hand then let it drop, limp, at her side.

Awkward much?

“Shit,” Ben snarled. “Just what I needed now. As if this wasn’t bad e-
fucking
-nough—”

Ryan shuffled closer, as if to come between her and Ben’s harsh words. She didn’t need him to protect her. Not today. Not from this man they both cared for, even when he was being an utter dumbass, crashing around, stomping on their feelings like an ogre on the loose, unintentionally squashing some nearby village.

“Look.” Tired of being trampled into the dust, she snapped. Damn his foul mood. Instead of recoiling as she’d done in the past, she struck. She tossed the package she’d offered to deliver for Ellie onto the kitchen table, then said, “I didn’t come here intending to hash this shit out, but hey, why not now? I think maybe it’s time you two started being honest with each other about what’s between you…or not. It’s obviously stressful trying to pretend that whatever happened to you during the Sex Offender scandal hasn’t influenced who you are today and what you mean to each other.”

“We should leave the past behind for good,” Ben said solemnly. His face devoid of life. The flat tone of his voice and the lack of luster in his eyes made her want to hug him. She might have if he hadn’t started walking backward, away from them. “She’s right. It’s time to let that shit go and focus on what you can have in the future.”

Ryan’s wide-eyed stare whipped between Ben and Shari.

Why did she feel like they were having a whole conversation she couldn’t hear?

“I’m not sure what I meant came out right.” She tried again. “I’m trying to say that lately it seems like you’re tearing each other apart instead of supporting each other. Worse, you’re not the only ones being jerked around by this pointless tug-of-war.”

Ryan reached for her hand. She dodged.

Shari hadn’t been speaking of herself. That was a lost cause, she was pretty sure. They’d never seemed to reciprocate her interest. Or maybe it’d be more accurate to say they’d never acted on the chemistry she could swear they had in every possible combination between them. Especially if Ryan had spent last night…you know, doing what Ben had said earlier.

Resigned, she decided she could at least yank the sticks out of their asses and force them to see what they could offer each other, or what they stood to lose.

“Julie needs you. Both of you. She also needs a
stable
environment. If you can’t support her together, then maybe it’s time to stop making the people around you miserable. Even if you don’t have enough respect for each other to do the same for yourselves.”

Except her plan backfired.

Big time.

Instead of rejecting that doomsday scenario, Ryan shocked the hell out of her.

“You know what?” He stood taller, drawing himself up to the impressive height he often masked behind a casual slouch. Grim determination made his warm face seem downright cold and craggy. His long limbs looked as powerful as she knew them to be in that moment. Not that she’d drooled over his tight ass when she’d passed him jogging down the street, or the smooth cut of his arms through the water when he’d swum in the lake at Lucas and Ellie’s place. Though his nature made him defer to others more often than not, it wasn’t because he was weak. No, she thought it made him strong, and generous, that he often put the needs of others so far above his own. Today he showed them a different side of himself. One she found made her breath hitch in her chest. “She’s right. That’s what I was so stupidly trying to hint at before. So I’ll just come out and say it. Do this clean.”

Ben’s eyes narrowed to slits, as if daring his roommate to cross a line.

Which he did, like a marathon runner smashing through the finish ribbon, exhausted yet proud of having the endurance to do what was needed to win in the long run.

“I’m moving out.” Ryan’s gravelly declaration bruised Shari’s heart. She bet it was ten times worse for him to give up on his friend, though. They all knew that was what it came down to. He’d been struggling to reach his roommate.

He’d failed.

So much for her playing matchmaker when it came to the two guys.

She expected Ben to argue. Maybe even to break and plead, finally admitting how much Ryan meant to him in the new life they’d built together. But he didn’t.

He stood there, arms hanging at his sides, hands dangling open and empty as he drew in ragged breath after breath.

“If it’s okay, I want to tell Julie myself. Maybe I can set up a schedule to still hang out with her before school, take her to the bus stop and stuff, and visit in the mornings on weekends before the restaurant opens.” The requests sounded reasonable but lifeless. There was nothing left, no passion, to keep him fighting. After this moment, nothing would be the same again.

Ben surrendered a single terse nod. His golden eyes flared while his dark skin flushed. Still, he didn’t utter a single objection. To any of it.

With nothing to stop him from doing so, Ryan turned and walked away.

It was as if she’d watched them negotiate a divorce and custody agreement in ten seconds flat. After all they’d been through together, it disgusted her to see their connection reduced to so little.

Shari still couldn’t figure out how to make things right between them.

Maybe it wasn’t her place, but she would have tried if she knew how.

The utter devastation on Ben’s face when he clutched his chest, turned around, then punched the wall hard enough to leave a hole in the sheetrock had her rushing to his side. When she looped her arms around his waist, too short to attempt to reach for his shoulders, he broke free.

Sometimes you had to admit you couldn’t help someone who didn’t want assistance.

“You go get Julie. I’ll handle Ryan,” Shari ordered as she pointed toward the yard.

Ben gave her another curt nod. “Thanks. It’s for the best, you know?”

“I don’t.” She had some ideas about that. Now wasn’t the time to discuss them. There was only one thing she needed to know at the moment. “Do you really want him to leave?”

“What I want isn’t the most important thing.”

Shari nodded, hope fizzling to life in her guts again. Maybe she had a chance—however tiny—to fix this after all. Eventually. “Go.”

He did.

And so did she.

In opposite directions.

R
yan stalked to his bedroom
, trying to act like he wasn’t slinking away with his extremely limp dick tucked between his legs. Having Shari witness him quitting like that had only made a lowlight of his life that much shittier.

Fuck
. How could she ever see him as anything except the pathetic loser he was when he hadn’t even fought for what he really wanted? Both her
and
Ben.

He preferred submission in the bedroom. That didn’t mean he wasn’t a cocky son of a bitch. There was no doubt he was plenty capable of singlehandedly pleasing them both—in bed and out. If only he’d had the chance to prove it to them before things got so twisted around that both of the people he was in lust with doubted how desperately he wanted them.

It had caught him off guard when he’d turned and spotted Shari right there in the kitchen, as if summoned by his dirty thoughts. So he hadn’t said any of the things he wished he had.

Like,
yeah, I was thinking of her watching you fuck my ass.

Or,
I’ve imagined sucking you off while you eat her pussy so many times I’m pretty sure I can taste it by now.

Instead, he’d stood there like an idiot and choked on anything productive he could have argued.

Ryan pounded the heel of his hand against the solid wood doorway a few times, scowling at the dents the detailed historic trim made in his flesh. At least he hadn’t broken anything. Nothing physical, anyway.

A huge portion of his world had just shattered into a billion pieces he could never imagine putting back together again properly. Hadn’t everything already been broken before this morning, though? Today, he’d simply acknowledged it. Forced his roommate—
ex-roomy—
to do the same.

Maybe his goal shouldn’t have been reconstructing their dysfunction. No, he needed to move on from it. Create something better, stronger, even more amazing. Something that could last a lifetime.

As if the universe was sending him a message in the form of a compact, smoking-hot woman, Shari cleared her throat and knocked delicately on the door he’d so recently abused. “Can I come in?”

For a moment, all he could do was allow himself to stare, devouring the very sight of her like the patrons at the restaurant he worked for did when they gobbled up his desserts. Petite yet lush, her dark hair fell loose past her shoulders. Warm eyes contrasted with her pale skin. Light pink gloss was enough to make her mouth remarkable. She was tiny but mighty. The way she stood there, her mouth opening and closing as if she couldn’t decide what to say first, pissed him off.

They’d done this to her—made her uncertain of herself around them. He planned to fix that, at least. If she would let him.

Was she going to ask him about that whole jerking-off thing she had to have gotten an earful of? He kind of hoped so. If she took the lead, he definitely knew how to follow. Wasn’t that the whole problem he’d been having with Ben? He’d been waiting not-so-patiently for the other guy to take charge. Ben never had.

Shari seemed like she might have more balls than Ben at the moment.

Though Ryan hadn’t invited her in, she didn’t wait for his permission. Thank God.

Instead, she stretched out her arms and stood there, presenting an open offer.

Unwilling to shun her as he had been rejected so many times by Ben, Ryan rushed to close the gap between them and practically smothered her in his grasp. It was so easy to wrap her up and tuck her against him. She settled perfectly against his chest, her ear pressed near to—if slightly below—his heart. Could she hear it pounding against his ribcage?

Why the hell had he waited so long to do this?

The heat and weight of another human being against his body instantly soothed him. Somewhat. If they stood there too much longer, though, it might rile him instead. Her wandering hands, which skimmed the top of his ass, and the way she rubbed against the full length of him, made him think she might not object to taking their comforting caresses to the next level. Briefly, he imagined lifting her so she could wrap her legs around his hips, shoving down their jeans just far enough to fit his cock into her pussy, and nailing her against the wall until neither of them could feel anything except pleasure.

It would serve Ben right to walk in on them finally hooking up. Let him believe Ryan wasn’t devastated by the enormous fireball things between them had ended in.

Shit, maybe the other guy wouldn’t give a damn, other than having to explain what was going on to Julie.

For that reason alone—okay, and because Ryan suspected Shari would knee him in the balls for using her so crudely—he’d never act on the revenge-fuck fantasies that zapped through the primitive portion of his brain.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled against the softness of her hair, which smelled like something sweet. Strawberries. He thought of a thousand recipes he could whip up with the fresh fruit, though none would be as delectable as her. “Shit, seriously. I’m
so
sorry. For everything. I just want you to know that even if you hadn’t shown up here today, right when I needed you the most, I was coming for you. Okay?”

Shari sighed. She nodded and melted into his embrace. She rubbed his back in languid circles, then whispered, “I won’t ask if you’re okay. I’m not
that
dumb.”

“It’s been a long time coming,” he admitted.

“Doesn’t mean it hurts any less.” She hugged him tight. “I’m sorry too, Ryan. It was never my intention to make you choose between us.”

“That’s not what happened.” He separated them enough so that she could read the truth in his stare. Of course, that meant she could see the shredded bits of his soul practically seeping from his pores.

Who cared? Ryan vowed never to hide his emotions from her again.

Look where that had landed them.

“So tell me what did?” She ran her hands down his arms, then linked their fingers. Walking backward, she tugged him with her until they reached the bed. He gladly went where she led.

Together they sank, side-by-side, onto the edge of the mattress.

After months of keeping everything inside, she made it easy to say the stuff he’d been worrying about, over and over, without changing any of it. The time for progress was now. “I guess it’s more that I realized Ben’s never going to take what I’m trying to give him. You can only put yourself out there like that for so long before it’s too tiring to keep it up.”

That sounded like a reference to dick drama, and that was not what he meant at all. No Viagra needed here, thanks. He glared at his already half-stiff cock, which had been stuck in a near-perpetual boner for the past six months. Being near Shari did that to him, had from the first time he’d met her, in a fucking hospital room crammed full of cops, friends, and even his little sister. Shit.

“Uh, yeah. I totally get that.” She frowned.

Fuck, of course she did. She didn’t have it in her to artfully conceal the attraction she had to Ben—what living, breathing woman, or man, wouldn’t find him irresistible?—and, he thought, to him too. “I’ve been fucking this all up, Shari. I’m trying to make it right. It’s just…really hard for me. Goes against the grain, you know?”

“You mean because you like to let your partners take initiative?” she asked. The sincere curiosity in her almond eyes softened the question, made him less defensive.

“That’s the nicest way anyone’s ever said it.” He grinned. “Yeah, that’s what I mean. Because I’m not a typical guy.”

“Hey, what’s that bullshit?” She puffed up, propping one hand on her hip. Adorable, even when pissed. “Since when is there some standard way to be for a person of any gender? Don’t be stupid. You are how you are…and I
like
who you are, Ryan. A hell of a lot.”

It’d been nearly forever since he’d felt this good about himself, sure of his appeal. He’d forgotten how it encouraged him. Damn, things had gotten worse than he’d realized. It was time he reclaimed his self-confidence.

As fucked up as it was, when he’d been part of Morselli’s stable of fuck boys, he’d known precisely how often he was requested to service his abusers. The fact that they hadn’t killed him—or worse—meant he’d been pretty terrific at it, too. But when it came to the outside, the only guy he’d been interested in since then had seemed unaffected for so long…

It was like getting his superpowers back.

“I want to help,” Shari said, snuggling close to his side. “I just don’t know how to do it best. There are some deep issues in play here and I’m no relationship expert. I mean, I’ve never even had a real boyfriend before. Would you consider talking to Lily and Jeremy about how you’re feeling, or is that too weird considering…?”

Considering how he’d knelt at Mistress Lily’s feet? How they were friends in the real world now, instead of some elaborate fantasyland? Or how Lily and Jeremy were open yet still human, with the same jealous tendencies as any couple even if they were better at stifling them?

“Yeah, it’s kind of uncomfortable.” He shrugged. No sense in lying. “I try to think of her as plain old Lily, now that she’s married to JRad. In my mind…the other stuff…that was a different person. Mistress Lily. It’s stupid, I know. But keeps me from popping a stiffy in the middle of a family BBQ. I’d never want to come between them. It’s probably more my discomfort than theirs, but I don’t think I can do that.”

“Hey, I understand. I’m happy to listen even if I’m not qualified.” Shari smiled up at him without a hint of judgment.

How could she be so perfect?

She reached out, her soft hand covering his as her thumb caressed his knuckles.

He sighed.

“You know, if it’s about more than talking that’s the problem, Lily could at least recommend someone who tops. I’m sure Jeremy would understand if you went to her in that capacity. He gets it. That bond she has with her slaves. What it does for the men who submit and trust her. We all do…”

“Nah.” Ryan shook his head. “It doesn’t feel right anymore. I did go to Gunther’s Playground a couple times since we came home, when I needed to blow off some steam, but…uh…”

He cleared his throat as he recalled the club where Lily worked, run by her husband’s mentor. It should have been perfect for him. It wasn’t.

“Something’s missing?” she speculated.

Ryan nodded, his lips pressed into a thin line. “It’s too clinical. Impersonal. Again, I think because
I’m
different
, not because they are. I couldn’t connect like I used to.”

In his mind he added,
because I’m already interested in someone…
someones
…else.

He’d felt like he was cheating. Disgusted, he’d sworn off returning.

Unless it was with Ben, or Shari in tow. Hopefully both.

“It must be frustrating to have that outlet stolen from you.” Shari’s brows drew together, causing fine lines to appear there.

Without thinking, he leaned in and kissed them away. “Thanks, but I can handle it. I’ll figure this out.”

Could he, though? Today had demonstrated he was closer to the edge of disaster than he’d realized.

The way she looked at him, with that
oh-really
stare, proved she saw right through his reflexive bravado. Damn.

She simultaneously freaked him out and turned him on. How could she be so intuitive and so attuned to him already? They’d never been anything but platonic in the months they’d hung out together. Maybe she had what it took to top and she didn’t even know it.

If she started talking to Lily, who knew what might happen…

He shifted beside her, rearranging his package and glancing away for a moment to get himself under control.

Out the window, he watched Ben clamber up to the fort they’d built Julie in the elm tree, making the entire trunk bend and sway somewhat precariously. He hoped she was okay, and that their fight hadn’t scared her too bad. Almost certainly, she’d have nightmares tonight.

He wouldn’t be there to chase them away for her.

Ben would have to be enough. He was her real uncle anyway. Ryan had only been blessed enough to play the part for a little while. He rubbed his chest, but it didn’t diminish the ache there.

When it came to Julie, there was no doubt Ben would get the job done. He’d given up everything for her, including part of his own sanity. It had been easier for Ryan to submit to the sex-drug addicts who’d stolen both Julie and her mother, April. Ryan’s own sister, Ellie, too.

Ben had never been with a man before then. Never been told what to do in bed. And certainly had never liked either, though Ryan knew—for sure—that had changed.

Was that part of why they were struggling now?

Could Ben ever separate his new desires from the place they’d been born?

It seemed like the answer to that was a big fat fucking
no
.

“Can I ask you one thing? Something really personal?” Shari drew his attention back to her. She was picking at the comforter and tapping her foot. “This might not be the right time, but I have to know...”

Ryan couldn’t help himself. He hated seeing her so apprehensive. He reached down and cupped her jaw in his trembling hand and lifted her face to his. “You never have to wonder that again. Anything you want to know about me, I’ll tell you. You have a right to ask me anything because I don’t intend to keep playing stupid games. Everything is on the table from this moment on. Okay?”

She blinked at him once, then again, before a gorgeous smile blossomed on her face. For once he’d managed to do something right by her. He planned to keep that streak going.

Shari nodded, then came right out with it. “Can you be attracted to a woman?
Only
a woman? Like, romantically? Is that something separate from your ability to submit? I know you were with Lily in a group situation, with Ben…and whoever else in that hellhole…”

“Quit worrying. That’s an easy question.” He smiled right back, equally intense, long ago having accepted this part of his nature. “I’m bi, Shari. Technically, probably pansexual. Whatever you want to call it is fine. I like men. I like women. I like androgynous people. Transgender or cisgender folks, too. Anybody who is capable of a consensual relationship, really, has the potential to turn me on. For me, it’s more about who the person is than what equipment they’re packing. When I take someone to bed, I love them for who they are.”