Bound by Love's Gravity (12 page)

Turning his gaze on Adam, Deke narrowed his chocolate eyes. “We were just talking.”

“About what?” Adam was compelled to ask.

“Nothing,” Deke growled, a telltale tic in his jaw indicating his outright lie.

“I see,” Adam replied icily. “If you’re just talking, I can interrupt. Right?

Deke glowered in silence.

Assuming that his partner was in agreement, Adam turned on his brother and barked, “Get out.”

His brother sighed. “No.”

“Don’t make me throw you out,” Adam said clearly, his voice taking on a dangerous edge. “Right now, I’m capable of throwing a Mack truck across a football field. Don’t fucking push me.”

“What has your panties in a wad, little brother?” Declan asked with a noticeably choked chuckle. “We weren’t comparing notes about all your dirty secrets or anything.”

“I’m sure you weren’t,” Adam sneered. “But I’m sick of this, Declan—you fixing things that don’t involve you, Deke being a pussy afraid of getting hurt, Ansley constantly provoking me, Kylia treating me like a head case, and everyone else trapping Sarah between me and Deke when she only gets caught in the crossfire. It’s all getting pretty fucking old.”

Adam didn’t care that he’d fired off a concise list of the things that had caused him to snap. Declan and Deke probably thought he’d lost it. Well, they’d be right. He’d reached the end of his rope.

“Poor Adam,” Declan taunted. “Want me to call Mom?”

“No, I want you to leave,” Adam snarled then jerked his head toward the door, indicating that he meant business. “
Now.
”

Shockingly, Deke lifted the decanter in front of him and filled the tulip-shaped glass next to it. “I have a feeling I’m going to need this,” he muttered as he lifted the drink to his lips and sucked down more than he should have in one swallow. He grimaced, more than likely from the fiery burn that Adam knew he was experiencing from the liquor.

Declan chuckled darkly. “I think you will,” he said as he stood up and went toward the door. “If you end up needing bail money, I’ll be in town with Paige. I promised baby girl she could cook lunch for me at Stanton’s.” Slipping out the door, he added one final thing before pulling it shut. “But I would appreciate you two playing nice until I get our sister’s infamous apple pie. Thank you very much.”

A heartbeat passed before either Deke or Adam spoke. But when Deke caved first, Adam was dumbfounded, his jaw hitting the floor.

“I’m sorry,” Deke murmured, his gravelly voice so low that Adam struggled to understand. “About earlier,” he clarified before taking another swig of what appeared to be cognac. “I was…jealous.”

“Of what?” Adam had a sneaking suspicion he already knew the answer to his question before he asked, but he preferred to be in the know before he dug his grave.

“You,” Deke mumbled, stating the obvious without answering the actual question. “I’m giving up Sarah for her own good, and you get to keep her.”

“I get to
keep
her? You really think that?”

Deke nodded with a jerk. “Yeah.”

“You’re giving her up for her own good?”

Again, Deke nodded. “Yes.” This time his voice sounded firmer, more sure. But it was an act. The bleary eyes and deep frown assured Adam of that.

“Bullshit,” Adam spat. “You’re not bowing out for Sarah’s sake, and I don’t get the girl.”

Deke threw back his head and swallowed the remaining contents of the glass before slamming it down on this desk. He wiped the back of his hand across his mouth then growled. “I am. You do.”

Adam snorted. “Life doesn’t work that way. Neither does love.” His declaration was met with a glare from Deke, a foul look that he promptly ignored. Grabbing the seat in front of his partner’s desk, he yanked it backward. The noise of wooden legs skating across hardwood assaulted his ears, and he flinched, but he still sat down.

Deke crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t love her.”

Adam didn’t believe Deke, not for a second. He’d stake his life on the fact that his partner loved Sarah. “Sure you do,” Adam retorted. He mimicked his partner by crossing his arms over his chest.

Deke paled, his pallor turning his face a sickly shade of gray, as he poured yet another glass of liquor. The abject fear on Deke’s face was too much, and Adam had to look away. He’d known his partner was in denial, but this was more than the refusal to believe in love. Deke was in freak-out mode, and Adam was in pissed-off-at-the-world mode.

Oh boy. Talk about a lethal combination.
Still, that thought didn’t stop Adam. “Believe what you want,” he snapped as his eyes flew back to Deke. “But whether you love Sarah or not, leaving her has nothing to do with her. It’s all about you.”
Like always.

Adam had been with Deke for seventeen years, and he was ashamed to admit that everything had always been about his partner. Kylia and Ansley had gotten that much right. For a Dom, Adam
had
allowed Deke to take the lead, as much as was possible. Well, that was over. Adam couldn’t live in an unbalanced relationship anymore. As much as he loved Deke, he couldn’t give any more. He had nothing left.

Deke didn’t speak. He continued his cold silence as he stared through Adam as though he were a stranger.
Maybe I am. He’s never seen me like this. Okay, I’ve never seen me like this.

“Deke, I know you don’t want to hear it, and I know you’re at least half drunk. But you know what? I’m done. I’m done with beating around the bush. I want to have my say.”

Deke inhaled another glass of liquor. “Then say it.”

Just like that, Deke gave Adam the floor. Only he froze, his mind blanking out. He had so much to say, but his mouth didn’t seem to work. It probably had something to do with his tongue feeling as though someone had hung a weight from the tip. Or maybe it was because his jaw felt as though someone had glued the damn thing shut.

Focus.
He stole a couple of ragged breaths through his teeth then admitted, “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have pushed you when we met. You weren’t ready to love me. I should have accepted that.”

Deke frowned, but Adam cut him off. “Let me finish. You were the first person I’d ever loved, and I had no clue what to do to win you over. I wanted you so badly that I gave you the things you wanted.” He shook his head when Deke tried to interrupt. “I did it freely, but I did it for the wrong reasons. I gave you what you wanted so you would give me what I wanted—your love. But I did it at my own expense.”

“What?”

Adam seared his partner with a single look, and Deke swiftly snapped his jaw shut. “I didn’t always tell you what was on my mind. If I thought something would create a problem between us, I buried it. If you did something I didn’t agree with, I ignored it. But I shouldn’t have done that.” He sighed wearily. “Don’t you see? I did us both a disservice. You would have fallen in love with me. Love can’t be fought. It was only a matter of time, but I couldn’t be patient. I didn’t let nature take its course. God, I practically forced you to love me.”

Deke shot to his feet, stumbling before bracing his hands on his desk and regaining his bearings. “You did not.”

Adam disregarded Deke’s declaration. “What would you call it then? I pursued
you.
I chased
you.
Not the other way around. Short of begging and pleading, I did everything to win you over. And looking back, I probably did those things, too. God knows that when it comes to you, I’m a sucker.”

“You’re not a sucker,” Deke disagreed fiercely. “You’re a man who loves his partner.”

Adam could barely speak over the anguish choking him. So instead, he gave a stilted snort. When he finally regained his voice, he said, “No. I’m a Dom. That’s who and what I am. But when it comes to you, I cave every time. I give you everything I have. But you never give me a thing because you never have to.” He cleared his throat noisily. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m as much as fault as you. I’ve never demanded that you listen to my wants and needs. Well, not this time. I need Sarah. I want her. I love her.”

Deke closed his eyes. “I know.”

“But, Deke, I need and want and love you, too.” Adam delivered every phrase with a heaviness to match the weight in his heart. He enunciated each syllable carefully so there would be no miscommunication.

Deke lifted his eyelids and looked at Adam sadly. “I know.”

Adam glanced away. “But I won’t have one of you without the other. I can’t love you at the expense of Sarah. And I can’t love Sarah at the expense of you. Not to mention the fact that choosing will be at the expense of me.” His breath caught, causing his voice to break off. He sucked in a harsh breath before releasing it with a hiss. “I just can’t.”

Deke’s eyes widened. “You’re giving me an ultimatum?”

“No,” Adam whispered vehemently. “I can’t force you to accept her or admit how you feel.”

“But you won’t have me without her?” He scrubbed his hand across his face, the weariness etched into his expression. “How is that not an ultimatum?”

“Because I choose neither of you.” Adam had to push out the words that had been dangling on the tip of his tongue for over a year. His body screamed for him not to, but he refused to cave again. If Deke wanted him, if he really loved him, Adam wouldn’t have to give in this time. Deke would choose to love him, to treat him as an equal, and they would work out their issues somehow.

Deke flinched, rubbing his visibly trembling hand through his short, dark hair. “We’ve been together for half of our lives. Now you’re going to walk away? Is it that easy for you?”

“No.” It wasn’t easy for Adam. He was dying inside. His head throbbed. His heart ached. And he wanted to pulverize something with his bare hands. But he couldn’t continue on this path. They were going to destroy each other. Nothing in the world was worth that.

“Then why?”

Adam felt like he was beating his head against a brick wall. He was repeating himself, explaining his reasoning over and over, but Deke wasn’t getting it. He didn’t want to, and Adam couldn’t change that. But still, he tried to say the words again. “Our relationship has spiraled. It isn’t working, and I can’t stand what we’ve become.”

Deke averted his eyes. “Me either.”

Staring at the side of his partner’s face, Adam continued, “We don’t talk anymore. Not the way we used to. Not the way I want to. When we’re alone, it’s always about work, friends, or family. There’s no emotion. It’s like we’re a couple of damn robots.” He dropped his gaze to the floor. “Then we go to bed, but there’s an insurmountable wall between us. No talking. No touching. And when was the last time we made love? God knows I don’t remember. That’s fucking sad.”

* * * *

Feeling cornered by their conversation, Deke did what he did best. He shut Adam out. He pushed him away, hating himself as he even uttered the words. “If you wanted to be fucked, why didn’t you say so?”

Adam gasped, all color leaching from his handsome face. “You know what? Fuck you,” he said as he lifted himself out of the seat, standing to his full height, and leaned forward until they were face-to-face, nose-to-nose. “The night we met, I told you I didn’t take you for a coward. Well, I was wrong. You are a coward, a coward who’s going to end up alone because he’s too afraid to let someone in.”

“I let you in,” Deke countered defensively.

Adam’s sky-blue eyes clouded, a storm of pain and anger brewing there. “No. You’ve
never
let me in. If you had, you wouldn’t have said what you did. You wouldn’t be pushing me away right now. If I was truly inside you, you wouldn’t be able to keep me out. You would talk to me and share with me. We would listen to each other and handle our triumphs and troubles
together
.”

“Since when did we turn into girls?” Deke smarted off before he thought better of it.

Amazingly, Adam’s face fell even further. Regret speared Deke. In his haste to protect himself, he’d hurt one of the people who mattered most to him. He’d practically spit on a vulnerable man, the man he claimed to love.
I’m a real bastard.

Deke wanted to apologize for being an emotionally crippled prick. He really did. But before he could form the words,
he watched helplessly as Adam shook his head and murmured, “I stupidly thought I could help you find your heart. But I was wrong. Only you can do that.” His face grew distant, his expression so defeated that Deke felt it to the depths of his soul. “I need to get out of here for a couple of days to get my head on straight. If you need something work-related, call Hale or Wyatt. They can handle whatever it is.” A second later, he walked out of the office without looking back.

The sound of his door shutting sent shards of uncontrollable panic careening through Deke. He felt sweat bead on his forehead, the sudden heat wave smothering him so severely he panted for much-needed air. His legs soon gave out, unable to sustain him any longer, and he sank toward the ground, but his chair caught him.

Deke dropped his head into his hands, closing his eyes as he sighed. He’d done it. He’d finally managed to get Sarah out of his life. In the process, he’d gotten Adam out, too.
Oh, my God. What have I done?