Book of Life (30 page)

“I don’t understand my brother. I hoped for so long that I could,” he began, speaking low and in a discouraged manner. “I’ve tried to reason with him, understand him, help him, and of course love him, but nothing works. How do you motivate the good in someone like that—someone who just doesn’t care?”

I searched my brain for an answer that would be sufficient enough. “I don’t know that you can.” Was that really all I had to say in return?

Max laughed a little. “You’re probably right, and that’s what scares me. He just doesn’t crave the same luxuries from life that most of us do, like love and family. He probably never did. I doubt that any upbringing would have changed who he is now. If my mother had never fallen in love with Patrick, our real father, I don’t think it would have been different—though we wouldn’t be around, that’s for sure.”

“Perhaps that is the problem.” I was pulling an answer from anywhere I could. It felt good to have Max open up to me—he never had before. “Perhaps the fact that you were the product of an adulterous relationship made him evil as he is.”

Max laughed again. “You mean he soaked up all the sin while I got all the beauty from it? I’ve suffered, too—
plenty.
Maybe we’re both cursed.”

I shrugged. “Well, yeah—maybe. I didn’t really mean it like that. Don’t start thinking you don’t have a place here in this world, because you do. You protect all of us. If you weren’t here, I’d still be some bumbling idiot trying to reason with what I am. Better yet, I’d just be wild. I would have never found Lacy, or learned anything about who I was and my family—you were the reason for all of that.”

Max didn’t seem to react to the compliment, but he never struck me as the type to take a compliment well. He slid away from the railing, looking at the ground and stretching his arms. “I just don’t know what to do. Usually, I always know what to do, and it’s killing me.”

“Talk to Greg.”

Max stood up straight, dropping his arms to his sides. “I have.”

“Just keep trying,” I pressed. I could hear Lacy and Stella inside the house now. I turned and looked at them through the glass pane. They were inspecting Avery’s things with an angry, almost jealous look on their faces. Gen and June were tinkering in the kitchen, looking lost. I couldn’t help but notice the way my gaze lingered on Stella, though, lingering in a way they shouldn’t have.

Max looked over his shoulder.

“Is it hard for you?” I asked, watching as he watched Stella, too.

“Yes, as hard as it is for you, I’d say.” He caught my gaze as I glanced at him. His brow was raised. “I know you’ve never gotten past the feelings you had for Jane.”

I shrugged. “But, it wasn’t really Jane. I mean, I love Emily, don’t get me wrong. You’ve said before that we’re meant for each other. I have to take your word for it. I’m just having a hard time seeing that lately.”

Max laughed. “Don’t believe everything I say to be true. I’m not always right, nor can I play God and decide who should or should not be together. Only you will know who’s right for you.”

I was confused. “But you said it with such certainty before. You said I belonged with Emily.”

Max’s smile didn’t fade. “Honestly, I probably said it to get rid of you. I knew you liked Jane, a gentle nudge in her sister’s direction probably felt like the best way to help you move on at the time. I apologize for that.”

“So, you’re saying that you don’t know these things as fact? You just claimed it to get rid of me?” I wasn’t necessarily mad, not given what I knew of Jane and Max’s relationship, or even Emily and I’s. “But I really love Emily.”

Max nodded. “Then perhaps she really is the one and I made the right guess, but . . .” His voice trailed.

“But what?”

Max shook his head. “Infatuation and love are two very tricky things. They mix and confuse, create tension and challenge. Infatuation is the Devil’s way of throwing you off the trail toward true love. There are endless times you may fall in love throughout life, but only one can ever be true love that never grows old.”

Grows old?
Was he trying to say that my love for Emily had grown old? “Do you think Emily is tired of me?”

He shook his head hard this time. “No. I don’t, actually. There are some things I know for certain that point to that fact—things I won’t tell you, so don’t try.” He gave me a warning glare. “Rather, I feel as though it is you that has grown tired of her. You just won’t admit it to yourself.”

I was shocked by his accusation, but not shocked enough to formulate a reasonable rebuttal. The girls came to the door and opened it.

Stella popped her head out. “Are you coming in?”

We both nodded, entering the cottage as headlights traced the walls of the room, announcing the other’s arrival. I stole a glance at Stella as we stood there waiting for them to come into the house, she had been looking at me already. She smiled.

What if Max was right? What if I was ready for something else? A part of me felt burdened, though, heavy with the guilt of Jane’s passing, and the toll it took on Emily. I looked away from Stella and quelled any lingering desire to indulge my growing infatuation. Emily still needed me as Max suggested, though I couldn’t help but wonder what it was he knew. It had to pertain to Emily and Love, but what love? Who else loved her besides . . . I didn’t really want to think it. I knew it could never work out for them. I knew the rules as he’d been the one to tell them to me. In my confusion and dismay, I decided that I would remain with Emily as long as she wanted me. It was the right thing to do. Besides, if what Max wasn’t telling me was that Emily was meant for Jake, then she was going to need someone to love her because that was never going happen.

EMILY:

I had opted to sit in the back seat. I guess in a way I was purposefully avoiding Jake. Besides, I didn’t like the idea of having Avery behind me, not knowing what she was doing or if she would reach her arms over the headrest and choke me at any moment. I wanted to trust Max and his claim that she was safe, but really, how much trust did I have in Max anymore? Most of his promises weren’t panning out.

Besides, I was craving solitude. I felt pushed and pulled, hovered over, lied to and stretched beyond every possible limit. I almost thought that being a slave to Greg was easier than this, but all it took was the memory of him forcing me to kill an innocent man to shake that feeling away. No, a dark life like that was never meant for me. So, then what life was I meant for? I wasn’t fitting in with Wes and his life, I wasn’t going to ever fit in with Jake’s, I never fit in well as the suburban teen going to public school . . .
Was there no place for me?

Jake looked at me in the rear view mirror but I looked away. He had removed his glasses and goofy get up, leaving his aura irresistible and his looks even worse. I fixated my gaze on the passing world outside. Tree after tree whizzed by. We were on a gravel road but it was surprisingly smooth considering the layer of snow on top. The sound of gravel flinging up into the wheel well was like rain as it lulled me. My sister really was gone, but had I really expected it to be any other way? A part of me always doubted Max could really do anything to bring her back. Even if he had, would she have been the same?

I was mildly jealous of Jane. She had gotten the chance to move on to something new while I was still stuck in the same old mess. At last the car slowed and I looked forward through the windshield. We’d arrived and the car rolled to a stop. In front of us was a long lighted path that led up to what looked like a house made of the hillside itself—an outcropping of white marble. Avery was quick to get out before the engine came to a full rest. She turned only to bark an order.

“Move fast. I can sense we’re not as safe here as we were before. There are certain feelings I get in times like this, and knowing Greg as I do, I have to trust these feelings.” She paused for a moment, eyes searching Jake’s. Her gaze narrowed. “It’s a time for heroes. It’s a time to decide what’s most important to you.”

It felt like an option, but what option and why was she offering it?

Jake seemed transfixed by her statement. I, on the other hand, shook it off and got out of the car. I followed after Avery as she barreled toward the cottage. I heard Jake’s door slam behind me, and before I knew it, his warm hand had grabbed mine.

“Leave with me.” He pulled me to a stop.

I turned on my heel, hoping to smother his request with a quick comment. Opening my mouth, I came face to face with him and the words got stuck in my throat. His face was different. He looked strong, sure of himself. It was a quality he’d always possessed when he was the Jake from Winter Wood, but seldom as the weak boy I’d grown up knowing.

“Please leave with me,” he asked again.

What was I supposed to say? The boyfriend I still wanted to love was inside—
wanted
to love but was having a hard time doing with the mess in my head. Our world was falling apart. Was this really the right time or place for such a proposal?

“I know you don’t think you love me, but you do. You just don’t know the real me. I know you so well, I know you because I am just like you. I’m lost. All my life has been this way. I started out in this world not knowing who I was or how I was going to fit in, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t do it. I realize that I have to be me. I can’t keep skipping down these false paths because they always lead me back to the same confused place.”

I searched his thoughts for more. “But we can’t be together.” It’s not that I was actually considering what he was saying, it was more like I was searching for excuses.

“That doesn’t matter. They think it’s so easy to spread this disease I have but it’s not. My leaders like the control this fear created within the vampire community. They keep the fear in order to rule us. If it were really so dangerous, why let me go to a public school at all? You’ll never catch what I have if we’re careful. We will live a full life.” He grasped both my hands now.

I wasn’t afraid of catching the fever, that thought had never been a reason why I didn’t like Jake. If the only danger was craving blood the rest of your life and enjoying the night over day, that hardly seemed bad. It wasn’t anything like they made it seem in the horror books I read.

“We don’t have much time, Emily. Just think about what Avery said. Now is when we decide what is most important. Our world is falling apart, why risk waiting only to end up dead? We’re right here, we’re together and who knows how long we’ve been waiting for this? We could have lived a million lives already, or maybe just this one, but how many get this chance?” His eyes searched mine. “You’ve seen how happy Max made your sister. Let me make you this happy, too.”

He was right in saying that we didn’t have much time. My head was filling with evil whispers from the woods around us, whispers I knew too well. Though we seemed alone, all around us Black Angels were closing in. This is what Avery had been saying. They were coming.

“We can escape them.” His hands pulled me in until our chests met. He was so warm, so inviting. I felt a rush of something I had been missing pulse through me, a feeling I craved so badly and had chased for so long. It was life, thrown about in chaotic pieces like a drug in my veins. This is what I wanted. This is what felt like home to me.

“But, my mother,” I finally whimpered. “I can’t leave her.”

Jake’s head tilted. “You can. You have to. It’s not like you’ll never see her again. I’ll make sure of that. For a while, though, we have to hide until this blows over. Together, we can do this.”

The way he kept saying ‘together’ was toxic. “Who’s to say it will end?”

“It
will
end. I have faith in the good of this world. You should know that shadow cannot live without the light that created it.”

His words were so well put, so perfectly said that I’d run out of reasons. Jake leaned close then, his lips pressing to mine as though we’d done this a million times, and yet it felt like the first time still. My heart raced forward, forgetting Wes, forgetting all the chaos around us, but rather relishing the chaos inside.

His lips were warm, sweet, and intoxicating in a way I never thought I’d find. Forget the drugs, the lies, the things I’d always done to try and achieve what I felt now. All this time I had been stalling out of fear, stalling because I was afraid of what being a whole person really felt like. Feeling it now, though, I couldn’t imagine life without it.

Jake pulled away, looking as lost in his thoughts as I was. As the cloud I was in dissipated, I noticed the air around us felt heavier, the world darker and full of cold. I wanted back inside the world with Jake, but in order to do that, we had to run.

“Come on. They’re here.” Jake didn’t ask this time, but he didn’t need to.

I ran with him, holding his hand as we made our way into the forest. Together, I felt safe; I felt we’d get past the Black Angels. Our minds were too well in tune to let us get caught. I had faith again.

I wanted to believe.

WES:

Avery burst into the room. “You know they’re here, right?”

Max nodded somberly.

I felt my heart rate surge. I hadn’t sensed their nearness until Avery brought it up. She was right. I could almost smell the blood as though it were right there under my nose. When you killed someone, that stench followed you for a lifetime. Even Emily had a bit of the smell on her from her time spent with Greg. This stench, however, was far stronger. This was the stench of machines, designed for killing over and over again as though that was all that fueled them. These machines were raised with hate and darkness in their hearts, just as Greg had been.