Blurred Lies (The Blurred Series Book 1) (21 page)

Oh, thank God!

My heartbeat is still racing, but my logic kicks in, telling me the worst is over.

“Baby, are you okay?” Ryan asks with concern furrowing his brow, having shook Nate off and rushed over to me once the crowd cleared out of his way.

“I am now. Can we go home, please?” I ask, clutching his arms and breathing in his calming scent.

“Of course, baby. Come on.”

* * *

Ryan and I enter the apartment, alone, about thirty minutes later. Calli insisted Nate go back to her place and give us alone time, once they both ensured I was okay after the bar incident. It’s dark and quiet, and the buzz I had is fast diminishing, along with the adrenaline.

“I hope you enjoyed your birthday, despite that jerk spilling his drink on you?” Ryan asks after we enter his bedroom. He cups my face in his hands and kisses me sweetly on the lips.

“I did, but don’t ever try and fight someone like that again. You scared the heck out of me.”

“Sorry darlin’. I had to defend my woman’s honor.”

I roll my eyes at that. Typical caveman.

“I hope Calli isn’t too upset with me for ruining her dress,” I grumble regretfully.

“It wasn’t your fault, and I think I can save it. Take it off and I’ll go put it in to soak overnight.”

“Well, aren’t you just Mr. Domesticated,” I say with a surprised smile.

“That’s what happens when you don’t have a woman to take care of you for six years.” He winks with that, as I remove the dress.

His eyes go wide when he takes in my white lace bra and panties. Handing over the dress, I do my best not to turn shy and hide myself from his perusal. I love how he looks at me. With such...adoration.

“Stay exactly like that. I’ll be back in a few minutes to remove the remaining items and give you another birthday gift.”

I laugh as he exits the room in a hurry.

Ignoring his instruction to stay in my underwear (because I’m a rebel like that), I head over to Ryan’s computer desk where I see one of his T-shirts hanging over the back of the desk chair. Pulling it over my head, I once again inhale that calming scent of his, and realize this has been one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had, despite everything that happened. Ryan is sure to make the ending even more amazing than how it began.

I love him so much.

Maybe I’ll just come out and say it tonight. Seize the day and all that.

Once the shirt is fully on, I realize I must have bumped the computer mouse in the process, as the flat-screen monitor is now awake and bright in the dimly lit room.

Confusion settles, then dread, as I read what’s on the screen. It’s
the
chat room. Mine and Land’s only form of communication over the last five years.

[Compose New Message]

Happy birthday x

[Send]                            [Delete Draft]

Needing even firmer proof of what I’m seeing, I hit the ‘send’ button and make my way to my bedroom as a sense of numbness settles over me. I feel like a shell of myself. A ghost.

It isn’t what you think.
Except, I know it is.

Reaching my laptop, I open it and the screen lights up having not been shut down, previously. Entering my login details in the chat room, I watch vacantly as the screen loads.

You have 1 new private message.

From: OffLand18 at 12:36am

Happy birthday x

Staring at the screen, I try to swallow past the lump that has formed in my throat. My chest is so tight that I can barely breathe.

I might throw up.

Saliva forms in my mouth, preparing for my body to reject what it’s feeling.

I blink, hard, trying to unsee what I’ve seen.

It doesn’t work.

What do I do now?

“
Fuck!
Natty, I can explain!” Ryan shouts as I hear him pacing from his bedroom, to the hallway, then into my bedroom, where I’m still frozen in place, standing in front of my laptop.

I should have sat down for this.

When I see him, I think I hear my heart crack. I definitely feel it. Like a windshield that’s been hit by a flying stone whilst going eighty on the highway. The thin fractures spider outward from that small, central impact, rendering the glass irreparable.

Just like my heart.

I feel the tears spilling over my cheeks before I even realize that I’m crying.

“Baby, please let me explain,” he begs from just inside the doorway.

He looks just as broken as I feel, but why? This has obviously been a big game to him. He
has
changed since we were kids, but not in the way I thought or hoped. He’s so much
worse
.

When he begins to approach me, cautiously, like I’m an escaped animal in need of coercion, I put my hands up in a gesture to stop.

“Don’t come near me,” I manage to croak out through my tears.

If he touches me, I’ll break, just like that metaphorical windshield.

“You lied to me. How could you do that?”
Why did he do it?

“No, I didn’t. I swear I’ve never lied to you, baby. Please, you have to believe me! Everything I’ve ever said to you is the truth.”

That’s not true, how can it be?

“You led me to believe something that isn’t true...for five years! A lie by omission is still a lie.” I’m surprised at how strong my voice sounds. The utter devastation now morphed into anger, even just for a moment.

“I didn’t mean for that to happen. Honestly, I didn’t, I-”

“You made a fool out of me!”
I’m so stupid. How did I let this happen?

“Please, Little Dove. Don’t do this. You’re the best part of my life...of
me
!” A tear rolls down his cheek from his bright green gaze, now lined in red, and the sight of it makes my tears come that much quicker.

“Don’t call me that!”
He’ll never call me that again
. “I don’t believe you. I don’t even know you,” I say through a ragged sob.

I can’t breathe.

The complete desolation on his face when I say the last is a vision I’ll never forget. I know, even now, that it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Frantically, I start gathering clothes from my dresser and shoving them, haphazardly, into an overnight bag. I can’t stay here. I can’t be anywhere near him. I need to go somewhere else - anywhere else.

“You’re going to go to him now, aren’t you? I’ve lost you.” I know he means Elliott.

I don’t want to be lost.

“Yes.” I didn’t know where I was going to go until he said it, but Elliott’s place sounds like a good plan right now. Calli’s is too close. He’d follow me and she has my brother in there doing who knows what.

But did Elliott take Tara home? They were pretty cozy all evening and I think they got into the same cab. They don’t live anywhere near each other, so they weren’t just sharing a ride.

I don’t have anywhere to go
.

“No.” I admit in defeat as I slump onto my bed, still wearing
his
T-shirt.

“Please, just stay and talk to me. I’ll explain everything, I swear.” He sounds hopeful, like I might actually agree to listen to his bullshit.

I won’t
.

I’m done being the punch line of Ryan Landon’s joke.

Landon.

Land.

OffLand18
.

God, he made it so obvious, and yet I never once suspected. And with that thought, the realization hits me that I’ve not only lost the Ryan I thought I knew, but
Land
as well.

A new wave of nausea and sadness hits me and I run to the bathroom to empty the contents of my stomach, which is mostly vodka.

As I sob/wretch into the toilet, I feel his hands pull back my hair, and I don’t have the energy to fight it. He holds my hair from my face with one hand and strokes my back with the other.

Between dry-heaves and sobs, when there’s nothing more inside me to come up, I can hear him crying, and I think I also hear my heart shatter completely, just then.

I don’t know how long we stay like that. It could be minutes, it could be hours. It’s all a blur. My eyelids are so heavy; I’m too exhausted to even keep them open now.

I feel myself slipping into some sort of unconsciousness. It’s not sleep, exactly. My mind isn’t anywhere near relaxed enough for the comfort that sleep brings. I vaguely feel myself being lifted to my feet and positioned over the sink, encouraged to rinse with some mouthwash, before I’m carried back to my bed.

Even as I slip away into this strange...abyss, I still feel tears wetting my pillow.

“I can’t see you anymore,” I force the words through my exhausted tears.

“Okay, Baby Dove, I’ll make sure you don’t have to, if that’s what you really want,” he whispers in my ear, holding me tightly to his chest, my back to his front. I still feel the light shudder of his chest from his crying. “I’d do anything for you.
Anything
.”

I can’t respond. It feels as though a weight is pulling me down, rendering me unable to form words and blurring all the thoughts in my mind until nothing is distinguishable anymore.

All the lies.

As I fall deeper into this weird sleep-like state, my breathing begins to even out and the tears start to dry, and I think I feel him kissing my shoulder, my neck.

“I love you.”
I think I hear him whisper.

And I wonder if maybe I could forgive him. Maybe in the morning when I wake up in his arms, none of it will seem so bad. So
wrong
. Because I love him, and now I know he loves me, too.

* * *

There’s that deceptive reprieve, again.

When I wake the next morning, my head hurts.
The alcohol,
I muse.

I don’t feel Ryan next to me, but I figure he must have got up to make a start on breakfast.

Then it hits me. Like a ten ton weight on my entire being.

A sob escapes me, but I push it back down, determined to keep my emotions under control and prevent an anxiety attack long enough to figure out this whole messed up situation. The now familiar feeling of numbness takes over and I get out of bed, pulling on some leggings under Ryan’s T-shirt and padding my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face, which are both much needed after last night’s events.

I make my way into the living area next, but it’s empty.

The front door clicks open and my heartbeat kicks up a notch at the thought of Ryan walking through that entryway. But it’s not Ryan.

“Hey, Little N. Are you okay?” Nate asks as he quickly walks over, pulling me into a hug, which I now realize is much needed, too.

“I don’t know. Where’s Ryan? I need to talk to him,” I mumble into his shoulder.

He breathes an unsettling sigh, as if preparing for what he needs to say.

“He’s gone, Natty. I’m sorry.” He strokes the back of my head, trying to soothe me, but it doesn’t work.

Gone? How can he be gone?
There’s so much we have to work out. How could he leave me like this?

Because you basically told him to.

But I didn’t mean for him to leave. I would have moved out. I could have found my own place if it was too hard to live with him.

Pulling out of Nate’s hold, I rush to Ryan’s bedroom. I don’t know what I’m expecting to find.

Nothing much seems to have changed. Other than a few of his favorite clothes missing from his closet, everything’s pretty much the same.

The fact that he hasn’t taken much with him gives me hope. Maybe he’ll be back after a couple of days. Once he’s figured out how to explain everything. He told me he’d explain. Maybe I’ll be able to understand why he did it and it won’t be the end of us, but I can’t find out until he comes home.

We can’t fix us if he’s not here.

When I turn around, Nate is standing in the doorway of Ryan’s room. The sad look in his eyes is terrifying to me.

“So where’s he gone? When will he be home?” I ask, wiping a stray tear from my cheek.

“I don’t think he’s coming back, Natty,” he says regretfully.

And with that last blow, I curl into a ball on his bed and cry so many tears that I think I may drown in them.

At least that would put an end to this agony
.

To be continued…

Read on for the prologue of Blurred Truth: part 2 in the Blurred Series, told from Ryan’s perspective.

By Elle Ellerton