Blonde and Blue (32 page)

“Well, I’m glad the rest of you made it out ok. I was worried.” The depths of his concern was there in his eyes. He’d been afraid for me. It warmed my insides in a silly, high school crush kind of way. It was so wrong.

I tried to lighten the mood by laughing off his worry. “Hey, I told you I’d be fine. You shouldn’t underestimate me.”

“Never.” A lazy grin lit up his face. “I give you more credit than you know.”

A strange silence descended. I studied the diamond pattern on his black and grey bedding, the tile on the ceiling and the plush carpet beneath our feet. Anything to avoid eye contact.

“Kale, we have to talk about this. I’m not even sure where to start. Since the other night … in the rain … I’ve been so confused. What I get from you I can’t find in anyone else. But, what we share is weakness, and we both know misery loves company.” I fumbled with the words, wishing they would come out perfect. “It’s selfish of me to seek comfort in you when I can’t return what it is you give me.”

He seemed to contemplate what I was trying to say. Leaning back against the door, he crossed his arms and pinned me with a piercing stare. “You are my weakness, Alexa. It isn’t the bloodlust or the thrill of the kill. That’s all part of what I am. It has been for centuries. The appetites of the vampire are not a weakness. If anything they are strengths to be mastered. It’s you that brings me to my knees.”

I groaned and paced the length of the small room. I glanced at the bed, knowing that he’d taken many human women there, for their body and their blood. I was glad our encounter hadn’t been in this room.

“Is it me? Or, are you drawn to the power that makes me its bitch?” It was a challenging question, a potentially loaded one. I had the distinct feeling that I wasn’t going to get the answer I wanted.

“How can you ask me that? Of course it’s you. The power is part of you, part of your thrall. I won’t deny that. But, if this was based only on power, I’d be throwing myself at Arys.” Kale spat Arys’ name like it was something bitter in his mouth. “Somewhere along the way, over the years we’ve been friends, I fell for you. Hard. But, that’s not what you want to hear, is it?”

No amount of distracted gazing around the room could keep our eyes from locking. The look he gave me was direct, daring me to tell the harsh truth.

“Kale, this is difficult for me. I do feel something for you. I’m just not sure I can call it love. I have two men in my life that I constantly feel torn between. This,” I motioned between the two of us. “This just isn’t right. It can’t be.”

“Why? Because Arys got to you first? That means you can’t possibly love me too? Correct me if I’m wrong, but from what I’ve seen over the past year, he has been less than great for you. Or, maybe I just think that because I’m the one you run to every damn time he lets you down.”

That stung because it was true. Guilt washed over me, and I bit my lower lip until I tasted blood. “Alright. That’s fair. I won’t argue that. Arys and I do have issues. Big ones. But doesn’t everyone? This is about you and me right now.”

“There is no you and me. Isn’t that what you’re saying?” Kale stood stiffly. His energy was harsh and pained. It burned a little if I focused on it intently.

“I don’t want it to be this way between us. I can’t lose you, Kale. And, I don’t know how to keep what we have now without ruining it.” I took a step toward him but stopped, unsure of what to do with myself. “What we did the other night, I’m afraid it’s changed everything. It never should have happened.”

He shoved away from the door in a fast, smooth motion. With the grace only a vampire could possess, Kale swept me into his arms and kissed me. It was deep but gentle, with the sweetness that I’d come to associate with his kiss.

“But, it did happen,” he whispered against my lips. “And, you loved every minute of it. Of course it changes things. God, I can’t stop thinking about what it felt like to finally be inside you.”

“Stop that.”

“No. You want me, too. I can feel it. Playing this right and wrong game isn’t doing a damn bit of good.” His lips were warm against my skin as he kissed his way down my neck.

“I can’t be in love with three people. That’s too fucked up, even for me. I feel so torn between all of you. It’s selfish. And,
that
is wrong.”

Putting my hands on his chest, I pushed Kale away. I was a mess of emotion. From shame to desire, a storm brewed inside me. I did want him, but none of it made sense to me. How could I feel something so different for all of them?

Kale didn’t let me put space between us. He was determined to get out everything he had to say while he had the chance.

“Alexa, not once in the time I’ve known you have you given yourself to any man that you didn’t somehow feel for. Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t love me.”

When a friend becomes a lover, they already know so much about you. I fell into Kale’s amazing eyes. He waited for my response with a forced calm. I could sense the tension he held.

He was right. I had never slept with a man I didn’t have genuine feelings for. Four of them, each so different from the others. And, I loved them all. Even Raoul, despite everything he’d done. Sure, many people loved more than one person in their lifetime. But me? I was clearly a classic case of fucked up beyond all repair.

I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him. It would be easier to walk away from this with a clean break, but it wouldn’t be fair.

“Don’t make me do this. Please.” I pleaded. “I can’t.”

“Say it, and I will go on as if nothing ever happened.” He grasped a lock of my disheveled hair, sliding it between his fingers. “Tell me you don’t love me.”

I let out a frustrated growl. Why couldn’t I damn well say it? “I don’t love you, Kale.” There. That was excruciatingly hard. The moment the words left my lips, I knew it was also a lie.

“Liar,” he hissed before kissing me again, a bruising crush of his lips to mine. “I wish you were telling the truth. It would make it easier to walk away. I know that’s what you want.”

The raw emotion in his voice cut deep. Kale was in agony. Over me. It was all wrong because he was so far above and beyond me. As self-deprecating as it was, I couldn’t help but feel he was cheating himself of something better.

“What I want is for you to be happy with someone who can give you what you need. I want us to be the way we were … before that night in the rain.” I reached to lay a hand on his face, surprised when he turned his head to avoid my touch. “I don’t want to be the one who hurt you.”

Capturing my hand in his, he pressed a chaste kiss along my fingertips. “It’s too late for that. I don’t live in a fantasy world. I’m fully aware that you’re spoken for as wolf and vampire. But what about the woman I’ve watched struggle and suffer? The one that shares with me what can never be shared with the men that claim her? Where does that part of you belong?”

The words tumbled forth before I realized what I was saying. “That part of me belongs with you. But, it isn’t that simple. If there were ever a time for us, Kale, it wouldn’t be right now.”

He nodded solemnly, but there was relief in his eyes. “I know. I just need to hear you say it. Tell me what I am to you.”

I was overcome by the flash of melancholy energy that bound us. His emotions were running high as were my own. It was impossible not to vibe off each other as we were tossed by a tornado of passion and pain.

I was tired from days of stress and overwhelmed by the betrayal of my own heart. When had I fallen for Kale? And, why did I feel so certainly that walking away from what we had was the right thing to do?

“You’re everything to me that I wish I could be for you. You bring me comfort when I need it, and you set me free from the restraints I impose on myself. If things were different somehow, you’d be the one.” I almost choked on the words as I watched the shadows darken his expression. “I’m sorry. I don’t want it to be this way, but there is just no other way it can be. Not right now. It’s better for both of us. You know it is.”

 Kale was silent, studying me so intently that I felt itchy and uncomfortable. Just when I thought he was going to push me away, he pulled me tight against him. The sensation of his arms around me was bittersweet. I stood stiffly for a moment before melting into his embrace.

He ran a hand through my hair as if he didn’t notice what a mess it was. “I’m the one with centuries of experience. Why do you get to be the one that’s right about this?”

“Just lucky I guess.”

His soft laughter was forced. “If it makes any difference, I fought it every step of the way until there was just no denying it anymore. I didn’t want us to end up this way.”

With a heavy sigh, I held him with a fierce grip. “I adore you.” Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to say, all things considered.

Time passed as we stood there clinging to one another. I would have been happy to drag the moment out far longer than was realistic. If I didn’t disentangle myself from him soon, I
might
never leave his room. The peace that I found in Kale engulfed me, tempting me to surrender to him fully. I couldn’t.

A physical ache started in my stomach when at last I pulled away.
Just one last kiss,
I told myself. Then it was time to close the door on what Kale and I shared. The thought filled me with anguish, and for once, both the wolf and the vampire within me lay silent. Their influence was absent, leaving me feeling bare and vulnerable. I couldn’t blame my feelings on either side.

I kissed him with everything I had. My hands shook as I held his face. The soft touch of his tongue on mine was dizzying. I drank him in, savoring the heat that rose up between us. My power came alive, reaching for him. Falling into him was like stepping off the edge of a cliff. The freefall felt amazing, but I feared the impact I knew was coming.

Right when I knew I should have broken it off, Kale deepened the kiss. His hands were in my hair and tension thrummed through his body. He explored my mouth with a hunger I couldn’t help but respond to. When I was with Kale, everything else ceased to exist. The danger of what we shared lay in the illusion that the rest of the world fell away.

The urgency that gripped us was the same determined need that had driven us in the alley behind The Wicked Kiss. I felt the sudden need to rush, to join in that sacred but forbidden union.

“We can’t do this.” A sob escaped me, and I broke away from him, turning away so he wouldn’t see the tears that spilled down my cheeks. “I have to go.”

“Alexa, wait.” Kale grabbed my arm. “Are you alright? I don’t want to see you cry.”

“Well, you weren’t supposed to.” I faced him, quickly swiping at the blood-red tears.

His shoulders sagged as if he held the weight of the world. The sadness in his lovely eyes hurt me to see. He reached to capture one of my tears on a finger. “I can’t watch you leave here in tears. Please, don’t cry. Not because of me.”

“I’m crying because the only time I feel safe anymore is when I’m with you. And, I know that I can’t hide away here inside that feeling forever. Even though I wish I could.” I took a deep, shuddery breath. This was harder than I’d anticipated. “Thank you for being who you are. You have no idea what it means to me. Maybe we’ve already gone too far to go back, but I don’t want to lose our friendship.”

A frown creased Kale’s brow, and he shook his head. “I know it’s better for us to deny what we feel. I know you might never love me the way I wish you would. But, don’t ever worry about us. I’ll always be here for you.”

What could I possibly say to that? I had to get out of there before I turned into a blubbering idiot. The powerful emotion in the room hugged tight to me like a second skin.

I clasped his hand in both of mine for a brief but heart-breaking moment. “I need to go. I’ll see you soon?”

“Certainly.” Kale’s gaze was on our hands as I pulled away. When I reached the door, he said, “Hey, Alexa. It’s ok that we are what we are instead of what we should be. Believe that.”

* * * *

It was mid-afternoon already, and the sun was high in the sky. I couldn’t stop yawning as I drove through the quiet streets of Stony Plain. I desperately wanted a hot shower and some quality time with my bed, but my best friend needed me. So, I was on my way across town to Kylarai’s.

Shaz’ car was parked in the driveway, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I’d been afraid that Ky would have chased him off so she could be alone in her grief. I understood that she’d need that time to herself, but right now, she needed us.

I clutched my takeout coffee cup and made my way up the front walk. I paused to admire the flower garden near the door. Kylarai really had a way with things like that. I envied her. I could only keep plants
that could handle a little neglect.