Bleak Devotion (15 page)

Chapter Twenty-One

Jessica drifted in and out of consciousness on the all too familiar couch. Worrying over Blade's absence for almost three weeks made deep sleep impossible, despite resolving to not show him her feelings. Though it was early morning, she had yet to drag herself to bed. The fire had grown cold hours before, leaving her with only a thin blanket for warmth.

The few snippets of sleep she managed caught her in a world of dreams. Strange dreams where her family was alive, but Blade was there. When she woke, she pulled the blanket up tighter around her and let the memories of her dream swaddle her. Not that her family and Blade would have ever been around each other, but they were happy thoughts. They comforted her, until the memory of her family's deaths overtook them with fierce intensity.

She was stuck up in the attic looking down at them like before, completely powerless to do anything to help them. Nausea churned her stomach. She pounded on the window, desperately trying to get their attention. But something was different. Something very, very wrong. Blade was there. He was joining in playtime with the family. He ran beside little James, laughing and smiling like any human would. She froze, watching with an eager eye. The smile transformed him. Made the urge to go to him stronger than ever. Until she saw the monster approaching them. Horror assaulted her.

She banged on the small window again, screaming for them to run, but they didn't hear her. They continued playing, drawing the monster in with their emotional display. She looked around the attic for something to break the window with, but it was empty. Nothing to get their attention.

Helplessness flooded her, tears streaming down her face. She turned back to the window, desperately shrieking as the monster approached. She clawed at the bare window, trying to save her loved ones.

Something shaky brushed against her cheek, but there was nothing shaky in the attic. Neither was it soft where she was standing, yet she was lying somewhere soft. The couch. It was just a dream. A dream.

The nightmare faded into oblivion. The blanket around her became heavier and the warmth that eluded her earlier enveloped her. As she drifted into a peaceful slumber, the couch trembled lightly beneath her.

...

Jessica buried herself deeper inside her blankets, unwilling to allow the day to start. The last couple hours of sleep had been restful, but memories of her nightmare still lingered. Fear mingled with worry over Blade made her want to hide in her blankets for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, she was still in the living room, and the breakfast crowd would soon be in to bother her.

Opening her eyes, she saw the knotted texture of a blue blanket, light trying to shine through. It must be later in the day than she thought. She wondered why no one had kicked her off the couch yet. They'd probably be along to do it soon enough. She had best get up. She shoved the covers off her to discover familiar hazel eyes staring back at her.

“Blade!” She rushed forward, forgetting caution. Throwing her arms around his strong frame, she pulled herself close. “I was so worried. I was afraid that—” The violent tremors emanating from his body stopped her.

She pulled away with a sick knot forming in her stomach, waiting for him to rush from the room at any moment. She had broken the promise to maintain a casual distance between them, but the relief at seeing him won over. That couldn't happen. Control was vital. She wanted to look at him to gauge his reaction, but couldn't break her rule again by looking. Even a glance would be too much.

His arms gently wrapped back around her, pulling her back. “Stay right here, Jess.”

Her mouth opened wide as she stared, her gaze fixed on him until he gave her a quick squeeze. The movement eased the initial shock, allowing her to relax. But only for a moment, then she would keep distance between them.

His frame rocked with the effort of controlling his emotion, but he kept his arms wrapped tightly around her. Her skin tingled and warmed where they touched. She snuggled closer and breathed him in. His empty room didn't do the smell justice. Contentment filled her like it never had before.

In that moment, she was truly happy. She gave a little exhale at the realization. Even if a happy ending couldn't be, wouldn't it be worth it to be happy for at least a little while? She didn't know, but hoped. She didn't want him to let go. Besides, maybe they could work it out. Maybe Zach's pessimism was wrong. His arms were around her after all. So wonderfully warm around her.

“
I missed you.” His familiar baritone stirred heat within her.

“
I missed you, too.”

Never had Jessica felt so wonderful as what soared through her now. There had been no need to stress, to even think she needed to hide her emotions. This was right. They'd make it somehow. His warm body next to her seemed like a dream, but felt too good to not be real.

Blade's hand reached up to her hair and stroked it lightly. “I can't bear to be parted from you again.”

“
Really?”

“
Mmmhmmm.”

A contented sigh escaped her lips. All the crazy worrying she had done while he was gone and this is what he came home like. It had been worth every excruciating moment. “Why do you say that?”

He shifted positions, still quivering. “I ached to see you every day. The ferocity of it had me unable to do anything. I kept changing.”

“
Oh.” Jessica felt like a black hole had opened underneath her and sucked her in. The thing she feared had come true. She unleashed the monster within him. She pulled away and he let her go, shaking more violently than before.

“
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you with the fact that I change into one of them.”

She stared at one of the muddy stains on the carpet. “It's not that. It's that I did it to you. I can't bear you losing control because of me.”

Blade reached over and pulled her close. “It's not your fault. I had to complete the job and get all the supplies we needed. I had to overcome my own limitations or fail, but I couldn't allow myself to fail with all of you counting on me. It took two days of intense concentration, but I think I've finally learned to control it. I handled my feelings without changing and got all the supplies. With some candy bars, by the way. A few of which are especially for you.”

“
You found some candy for me?” Though her thoughts were really focused on what he said. Had he really learned control? Could it be?

“
Yes, even if I still don't understand why you like it.”

Jessica beamed at the thought of tasting chocolate again. “Thanks! That's really sweet of you.”

“You're welcome.” A smile hovered on his lips. “When I got back last night and saw you on the couch, I thought I might lose control for a moment. I was so overcome with lo— emotion at the sight of you. And worry. You were having a bad dream, I think. But I used what I learned and managed to keep myself together.” He tightened his arms around her, sending a thrill through her as he whispered, “This is so worth it.”

She blushed. “I think so, too. But are you sure it's okay?”

“I'm sure. It'd be best to be careful still, like not jumping into my arms so unexpectedly again.” Heat filled her face as he gave a snort. “It would be easier when I'm prepared for it. But, yes it's fine.”

She made a note not to even touch him unless invited, still embarrassed that she had. Despite that mistake, relief filled her, making her relax deeper into his arms. “That sounds nice.”

“Good. I worried when I came back that you would have lost interest in me.”

“
Not likely.”

“
Not even with Zach around to woo you?”

Jessica tensed. “You noticed that too?”

“Kind of hard to miss.”

“
So I've heard.” She forced herself to relax. “It's nothing to worry about. I talked to him. He isn't keen on the idea of me and you, but I'm sure he'll get over it.”

“
Is that what you want? I would understand if you were happier with the idea of someone you could have a normal relationship with.”

“
Yes, I'm sure.” She rested her head against his shoulder as proof. Plus, it just felt good. “This is what I want. Even though I didn't think this much interaction was possible and I don't know what will happen between us, I know it's right. I feel too much for you to pretend otherwise.” Even though she thought she was needed to. Thank goodness everything was going to be fine. Not just fine, but wonderful.

He held her tighter, his tremors barely noticeable.

“I was just thinking, you aren't shaking as much as normal, unless I'm just getting used to it. But you aren't just touching me a little. You're holding me. Why aren't you shaking harder?”

His shoulders shrugged next to her. “I don't know. Maybe it's part of learning control. It's not as hard so my body doesn't have to work as hard to keep me composed?”

“But when I left a minute ago, you started shaking harder again.”

“
I suppose that's because it happened quickly and I wasn't expecting it. An abrupt change.”

“
Right, nothing sudden.” She slowly moved to snuggle closer, enjoying the new freedom. “Have you talked to Deborah?”

“
Not yet. She came by earlier while you were still asleep. Said we'd talk later this afternoon. I think she wanted to give us some time. No one else has come by. She must have shooed them off.”

“
She's a good lady.”

“
She is. But the rest of them are probably going to be upset about missing breakfast.”

“
Maybe she fed them something from the hideout.”

His tremors increased as he let out a quick chuckle. “Then they'll really be angry with us.”

She laughed, reveling in the freedom. In the sound of his joy. The back of her neck tickled as his fingers traced along it. She pulled back from him far enough to look into his eyes. The emotion she could read in them left her uncertain. She had never seen so much in him before. Her breath came in short, shallow gasps, wanting to be even closer to him.

“
Blade, I was wondering…” She licked her lips.

“
What is it?”

“
If you can control you emotions so much better now, do you think— Is it possible—” She took a deep breath. “Will you kiss me?”

Suddenly, she tumbled to the ground, the world swirling around her as she flew downward. A thump of footsteps rapidly retreated to the entryway. There was a distant metal clang. She winced. The door didn't slam closed like before. Ominous silence filled the cabin. Pain throbbed in her chest more than where she fell.

Gingerly, she pulled herself off the ground and toddled over to the entry way. She froze when the door came into view. The massive oak door was open, six long slashes marring it.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Several sets of footsteps sounded from down the hall, tentatively coming to the entry way. Jessica gaped at the gashes in the door, trying to process it. The stark contrast between the dark outer wood and lighter inside screamed at her. She may not have done it, but it was her fault.

A gasp came from behind.

“Are you okay, Jessica?” Julie reached out to Jessica.

Jessica tore her eyes away from the gashes and looked out the door. The blinding white snow had footprints heading off toward the forest, but she couldn't tell if they made it all the way there. Blade was nowhere in sight. Her words came out small. “I'm fine.”

Zach scoffed from somewhere close by. “You sure? That door could have been you. This is way too close. You shouldn't allow him near you.”

Jessica ignored him as pounding footsteps bounded to the entry way.

“What happened?” Ben roared.

Jessica squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head and letting out a huff of air, wishing her failure weren't visible for all to see. Especially when the blame would go to Blade instead of her. “Nothing.”

“This isn't nothing!”

Jessica opened her eyes to find Ben waving at the scars on the door.

She shifted her weight. “It's my fault. I didn't pay close enough attention to my own emotions.”

“
You shouldn't have to.” Zach stared murderously out the door.

“
That's great,” Ben yelled, his fists balling up at his sides. “He's going to end up killing us after all. I told you! I told all of you this would happen!”

“
That's enough,” Deborah commanded. She marched to the door. Her face remained impassive as she glanced over the slashes and then at Jessica. “This isn't something you need to worry about, Ben or any of the rest of you. Blade does an amazing job of controlling his emotions around the rest of you. Don't worry about this incident.”

Ben looked like he wanted to complain more, but Erin appeared, her eyes wide. “What happened? Are you alright, Jessica? Is Blade alright?”

Jessica's face burned in shame. The men both turned to Erin with scowls on their faces, but before they could speak Deborah jumped over to the girl and put an arm around her. “He's fine, hon. Just didn't make it out of the house quite in time, but I'm certain he'll be fine. Now off with all of you. Go get some chores done or relax or whatever it was you were doing before. I'm going to have a word with Jessica.”

Ben spluttered then shuffled out of the room muttering about murdering aliens. Following after him, Zach turned to her with a look of pleading in his eyes. She dropped her gaze and blushed.

Julie gave Jessica's arm a squeeze. “Are you sure you're alright?”

“
I'm fine.” Jessica couldn't bring herself to look anywhere but the floor. “I'm so sorry for the trouble.”

“
Don't worry about it. Come find me if you need to talk.” Julie crossed over to Erin and put her arm around the younger girl where Deborah's had been. “Let's see if we have the right stuff to make cookies.”

Jessica watched them leave from the corner of her eye, guilt ridden. She wanted to melt into the floor and let everyone stomp on her without noticing she was there. This was all her fault. She wished she hadn't asked Blade if they could kiss. Foolish request. This whole thing was foolish. Shifting her weight, she cursed her own stupidity. How much would it take before she understood how things had to be in the world they now lived in?

Deborah closed the door, hiding the slashes across the front, but part of the gouges in the frame could still be seen. She gave a sigh. “Oh, hon. Let's sit in the front room.”

Jessica followed her into the chilly room and sat down on one of the chairs facing the window. Deborah took the chair next to her. They both stared out at the cold snow, only blemished by the faint footprints of Blade’s retreat. Nausea pricked at Jessica. Deborah leaned over and placed a hand on her arm.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She almost shook her head, but stopped herself. “I… I don't know. Things with Blade are not like I thought they would be. Whenever I used to think of meeting someone I liked and the relationship that followed, it was always so romantic. Things aren't like that at all. I didn't think we could actually even try. When he said he learned to control it while he was gone… I guess I just expected too much. Hoped for too much.”

“You're human. Blade isn't. Things are going to be rough. But I believe you will both be able to overcome your differences and work it out.”

“
Julie and Erin think so too, but I don't know.” The deep scratches marred more than just the wood. “Didn't you see the door?”

“
I did. But did you note that it was just on the door on the way out?”

Jessica held her exasperation in, too well trained to let it out. “Yes. That's exactly my point.”

“But it's mine as well. He controlled it until you were out of harm's way. That means something.”

She bit down on one of her nails. “Does it really?”

“Yes. You two can do this. You just have to be careful. Blade does an amazing job of controlling himself, I can't imagine how hard it would be to do what he is doing. He's very careful around us and even more so with you. He's not perfect, though. I'd hate to see something happen to you, and Blade couldn't live with himself if it did.”

Jessica yanked her hand away from her mouth and nodded.

“All right then.” Deborah stood and patted her on the knee. “I'm going to go help sort through the supplies Blade brought. Are you coming, or did you want to wait for him?”

She hesitated. “I think I'd actually like some time alone, but I don't know where…”

“Head up to the library. That's probably your best bet. I'll make sure the others are occupied and tell Blade when he gets in so you can have some space.”

She hugged the small woman. “Thanks, Deb.”

After Deborah left, she focused her attention back out the window. The sunny day outside reflected off the snow with blinding clarity. How long would Blade be out in its cruel beauty? She pulled herself away from the room to find solitude.

Entering the library, she left the light off, and instead of heading for her favorite chair, became a statue at the window. The frigid air nipped at her bare arms. She remembered Blade's touch. His warmth against them. She shivered from the cold emanating from the glass, that seemed to taunt her.

Shadows lengthened. Daylight faded, replaced by the bright full moon. The valley floor stayed clear of anything living. She paced the room, crossing over the silvery square on the floor from the moon. What torture was he going through on her account?

Something cooking from the kitchen wafted its way up, making her mouth water. Though she hadn't eaten anything all day, she ignored it and settled her restless body in Blade's chair. Draping her legs over the arm of the chair she faced the door, leaned back, and closed her eyes. It smelled of him. Woodsy and spice. Tears pricked her eyes and finally,
finally
, the emotions spilled out.

It was as if every storm she'd ever seen in her life culminated in that moment, pounding her head and pouring out her eyes. After some time, she came back to awareness. The crying helped a little, except for the annoyance of not having a tissue on hand. This was too out of control for that. Knowing that Deborah was keeping everyone out, she headed for the upstairs bathroom she'd discovered before.

Partway down the hall, a pattering of footsteps caught her attention. She turned and found Blade at the top of the stairs. Her face burned, warming the tears still soaking her cheeks. He leaned against the wall with his arms folded.

“
Are you all right?”

Jessica shook her head. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.”

“Asked what?” Zach asked, climbing the stairs just behind Blade.

Blade's eyes and jaw tightened a fraction, sending a wave of vibrations through him. “Nothing you need worry about.”

“If it concerns Jessica's safety, which I think it does, then I will.”

“
Please,” she interrupted, “let's not fight. I thought Deborah was going to ask you guys to give me some space.”

Zach paused before he reached to the top and glared at Blade. “She did, but when this mutant headed up here I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to try and harm you again.”

Blade's face remained impassive, but his quaking grew. “I wouldn't harm her. Deborah said she was going to be in the library. I planned on sneaking past and spending the rest of my night alone in my room, but she was in the hallway. I didn't really want to go barreling past her. But then, I don't really have to explain this to you.”

He looked up at her then and Jessica knew it was for her benefit. Her cheeks burned hotter. She should have wiped her eyes and nose on his blanket instead of being caught going deeper into his personal area. “Sorry. I just need a tissue.”

“You are welcome to anything you need, Jess.”

Hearing her name like that sent a fresh burning to her eyes, one she quickly blinked away but looked down anyway. Taking his words as an excuse to leave, she scurried to the bathroom, hoping they wouldn't wonder how she knew which one it was. She slammed the door after her and grimaced at the loud noise it made. In the hall Zach and Blade continued talking, but she couldn't hear what they were saying. She pressed her ear against the door with no luck.

Sighing, she glanced in the mirror with a frown. Her hair fringed out of her head in a horrid state of disarray. Her eyes were red and puffy above her shiny cheeks. Turning on the water, she splashed it on her face, hoping the coolness would help her eyes to regain some of their normalcy. The coolness helped ease some of the sting.

She blotted her face on a hand towel and then paused when she heard footsteps heading down the hall. He couldn't just hide from this, they had to talk about it. She threw the door open and flew into the hall almost knocking into Blade. He reached for her, looking like he was going to steady her, then pulled his hands back. She stumbled but caught herself.

Feeling stupid for jumping out so suddenly, she mumbled, “Sorry.”

His body melted back against the wall. “Don't worry about it.”

“Don't worry about it? How can I not worry about it? I'm going to make you do horrible things. I have to worry about it.”

Blade held a hand up, palm up. “You don't need to yell.”

When did she lose control? “But—” Jessica's jaw dropped. “You aren't shaking at all.”

He grinned and only a trace of a tremor shook it. “I told you I'm getting better.”

It was difficult to do anything but stare. “But you just shook when talking to Zach.”

He glanced back at the stairs. “Yeah, well, he was annoying me.”

“
But my yelling wasn't. And it's not enough to— Never mind.” She brushed past him, wanting to flee before the words could leave her, but he grabbed her and wrapped his shaky arms around her.

“
Jess.” His warm breath tickled her cheek. “Are you angry with me?”

She laughed, though no humors laced the sound. “No. I can't be angry with you.”

“Oh.” His arms loosened their grasp until they were no longer around her. “Sorry, I didn't mean to make you stay. I just wondered how upset you are with me for losing control. I'd understand if it was too much for you.”

“
Are you kidding?” She glanced at his arms, wishing they would wrap back around her. “It was my fault for asking. I'm not mad at you at all.”

“
Not at all?”

“
No.”

“
Then, would you mind if I held your hand?”

Her breath suddenly cut off. “No,” she choked out. Clearing her throat, she added, “No, I would like that.”

The very air seemed to still as he reached down and took a hold of her hand. Though she couldn't see him shaking, his hand had a slight tremor. Her hand had a tremor. Despite the shaking, or perhaps because of it, a tingle of warmth skirted through her. She squeezed her hand tighter in his, looking down at their interweaving fingers.

“
You're freezing.” He pulled her closer and led her to the library, where he picked up the closest blanket. Draping it over her shoulders, he stood so close his breath helped warm her. Inside and out. She pursed her lips as she wondered how a day could be so rough on her emotions.

“
Just give me some time, okay?” Blade whispered in her ear.

“
Time?”

“
That's right. I—” His tremors increased, but he held his ground, keeping their hands locked. “I would like to kiss you someday, but I won't do so until I'm sure I won't turn into a monster.”

“
I can wait.” For one of his kisses, she would wait a lifetime.

He pulled her closer into a tight hug. For a moment she thought he said “I can't,” but it happened so fast and would have been so unbelievably wonderful that it was certain to be a mistake.