Bleak Devotion (12 page)

Chapter Sixteen

Jessica paced the front room, glancing out the wide front window every few rounds. She constantly fought the urge to bite her nails. She needed to stay calm. A manic laugh leaped from her throat. She was about to do something way beyond rational thought and it could have deadly sharp consequences. Staying calm was imperative, but it felt like an insurmountable math equation.

She sighed. What was she doing? Crazy things. Stupid, crazy things. There was no reason for this. She could just go on living like she didn't know anything. Create some distance between her and Blade. Or at least as much distance as she could manage to get in the cabin. Maybe she could become Julie's shadow.

No, that would never work. Julie hung around Blade more that Jessica did, and that would be the opposite of what she wanted. If she really wanted to see less of Blade she'd have to hang out with Ben. Her nose wrinkled. Maybe Ben could be nice when Blade wasn't nearby, but this morning was the closest thing she had ever seen to it. She really didn't want to deal being around someone who was ornery or almost nice the rest of her life.

Before she could make up her mind whether she was really going through with her plan or not, a swift dark movement outside caught her attention. He was back. She decided. Stopping in the middle of the room, she took several deep breaths. The front door opened and she braced herself. Blade entered the hall, his skin and dark hair glistening with water droplets. He looked into the front room, his face expressionless as he gazed at her.

Why did it always have to be so blank? If he'd just show her some type of sign it would make everything so much easier. Jessica snorted. Emotions, right. They would also cause her death by his blades if he let them show. Not what she was going for.

Blade took a few steps forward, stopping at the divide between the entry and the front room. They stared at one another for a few moments. Her heartbeat sprinted in her chest. All thoughts slipped her mind. Her hands felt clammy as she rubbed them together. She had decided she was going to do this and wasn't about to back down now.

Blade exhaled and leaned up against the post, his arms flexing with the movement. Jessica's breath disappeared. The only thought she could manage to grasp was that if she was an eighteenth century woman, she would have swooned. As it was, she teetered on the verge of collapse. Reminding herself she need to stay emotionally detached, she gasped for air and sat down in a chair. She scooted down and leaned her head against the back, staring at the ceiling.

The room was silent. From somewhere in the house she heard someone laugh, an event that didn't startle her as much as it used to. The thought did nothing to free her of emotions and she struggled to find something that would. Looking away from him helped, but was not enough on its own.

She thought about days long ago when she took college math. The class bored her so much, she often had trouble staying awake. The subject was bland, but even worse, the teacher spoke in a monotone voice. Anyone could turn into an emotionless creature after listening to him for too long. Probably part of the reason she couldn't grasp math. She concentrated on that memory until she thought she'd be able to mimic her professor for the entire conversation.

“
I want to talk to you about something, but if you need to leave I totally understand. Don't even worry about excusing yourself, you can just go. I'll try to keep this as emotionless as I can.”

Silence pulsed through the cold room.

“Okay.”

“
Debbie told me something after you left. She said that…” Her mouth was dry. She swallowed and forced herself to continue. “She said you have feelings for me and you were leaving because you couldn't control yourself because of those feelings.”

She heard him take a breath and release it in a puff. She strained to hear his response. “What do you think about that?”

Jessica closed her eyes. She hadn't expected that question. “I think it would be nice if she was right.”

She heard a rare, mirthless laugh from Blade. “You think it's
nice
that my feelings toward you turn me into a monster?”

Agitation welled up inside Jessica. She struggled to control it enough to keep it out of her voice. “Obviously the whole emotion killing monster thing puts a damper on anything that could come of our feelings.”

The quiet room seemed to shrink around them, anger closing it in. As the silence dragged on, her anger eased and she regretted the harshness of her words. She couldn't make herself take them back, though. They were all too true; even if Blade was better than the others, the monster still lurked inside him. With this realization, tears stung her eyes. She blinked, trying to rid herself of them before he could notice.

“
You feel the same?” he asked.

Jessica glanced at him before she remembered her eyes were wet with unshed tears. His damp hair hung almost into his eyes. She wanted to brush it away and then let her hand linger on his face. Her heart pounded harder. No, he wasn't a monster. His frame shook, but not as badly as it had before he ran off earlier. Bending her head back against the chair, she stared back at the ceiling. She recited times tables until she could answer without putting the emotion she felt about the words behind them.

“I really like you, Blade. When I finally realized what Deb said was true, I was really happy. But I don't see how this can work between us.”

“
Jess.” Blade's voice warbled with intensity. “I want to be with you, but you're right. I don't want to do anything that would put you in harm's way. It's so hard not to feel anything around you.”

The floor shook underneath Jessica. Her heart soared within her, threatening to burst out from pure joy. He couldn't help but feel around her. If only she could wrap her arms around him and never let go, but it was impossible. Any moment he might bolt for the door even without her impulsiveness.

Resisting the urge to look at him, she struggled to think of something to distract him. To distract her. “I like pears.”

“
Pears?” Confusion laced his words.

“
Yeah. They're yummy. Nice and sweet. And they have a good crunch, you know?”

Blade was silent for a moment while the vibrations running over him increased before slowing. “I've never had one, but sweet really isn't for me.”

“Really? You must hate candy then.”

“
The little of it I've tried. On my planet, we didn't eat sweets. I don't know that I'll ever get used to it.”

“
What did you eat there?”

“
Nothing like here. They say before the great war everything was better, even the food. I only ate whatever we can find. Nothing rich. A big part of our diet consisted of something similar to your grass. It's a bad comparison, though. It's more bitter than sweet, but even the bitterness isn't strong, mostly just bland.”

Jessica's nose wrinkled. “Yuck.”

“Like I said, bad comparison. Maybe you would like it.”

“
Bland? Not likely. I enjoy my spices, thank you.”

Silence enveloped them again. Distractions, no matter how interesting, only lasted so long. With the intensity of her feelings growing every day, this was going to be impossible; worse than a math equation. Tears crept up to her eyes but she rapidly blinked them away. If only stronger emotions were so easily shoved away.

She slowly let out a breath, letting as much emotion escape with it as possible. The next words to come from her mouth would be sincere, but no telling if she could actually stand by them. She could do it. She would. She had gone this long without feeling anything, what was more time?

“
I'll be patient.”

Without waiting for a reaction, she bolted from her chair and fled, not touching him as she flew past his shaking frame.

Chapter Seventeen

Jessica heaved her freshly filled bucket of dirt over to the designated area and headed for the water pitcher. She pulled off her soiled gloves and scowled at the muck that had worked its way past her gloves onto her fingers. It was too much like trying to keep her life clean and together, impossible in a world such as this. Picking a random cup, she took a drink. She wished the urge to be patient was as easy to quench.

A shuffle of footsteps came toward the opening of the hideout and Ben's thin form appeared. Without glancing her way, he gathered up one of the waiting buckets and hauled it off. As he left, she wondered why he stayed and helped if he disliked it. She shook her head and turned her attention to the room they were expanding.

Julie and Erin's shovels scraped against the rocks and dirt as they cleared out more of the hideout. To the side Kimberly was surveying their work before returning to shoveling. She wasn't afraid to get her hands dirty and work hard. On the other hand, poor Vivian couldn't help with the new project. Her health kept her from doing much, but she was picking up the slack on the other chores that were being neglected because of the project.

They'd gotten a lot done on the first day of working on it. The hideout would be fixed quicker than they had thought if this rate continued. Jessica hoped it would. Digging sucked. After they finished clearing it out and preparing the room, they still had to set up the bathroom and mini kitchen. But it would be equally dirty work. Deborah was insistent that they would have running water, no matter how much effort it took.

Jessica refilled her cup and chugged the contents. A new set of footsteps headed toward the hideout. When Blade appeared, her stomach fluttered. They hadn't spoken since their declaration, of sorts, of their feelings. Why should it matter? What was there to talk about? The fact they cared for one another but couldn't do anything with those feelings stabbed the few points of her heart that weren't shielded. It stung just thinking about it.

Deborah had him slated to leave in the morning. The thought of him being gone cut, even with their relationship taking on an awkward tone. He headed for the bucket she'd just left and glanced around. The moment their gaze met, a spark ran through her, heating her to the core. By the way his body started shaking, he felt it too.

“
Jess.” He gave her his shaky smile and surprised her by sauntering over.

“
Blade.”

They stood there staring at one another, his tremors growing with each moment. Ignoring them was almost impossible, the subtle, constant movement seemingly shifting the very air. It also meant he was close enough she could almost,
almost,
feel his warmth radiating to her. Making her want to step toward him.

Even without moving, his familiar scent wafted to her. Without lingering too long on the consequences, she reached toward him. His eyes closed and features creasing into longing for such a brief moment that it was barely noticeable. But since his face had all of her focus, she did notice. He took several steps back, quivering uncontrollably.

Jessica looked down and clenched her jaw. Chiding herself for not giving her actions more thought like she should, she worked to correct her error and help him think of something else. “We are getting a lot done down here.”

Blade's broad shoulders fell with an exhale. His tremors let up slightly. “Yes. You have more muscles than one would think just by looking at you.”

“I'm a tough chick.” Or at least she was becoming stronger with regular, healthy food and activity.

His lips turned upward, just a touch, in a shaky smile. “That's what I'm hoping.”

A warm current ran through her. He had hope for them.

“
Can I get a hand here?” Julie's strained voice startled them out of their locked gazes.

“
Of course.” Blade rushed over to her and grabbed the bucket.

Instead of heading out with it, he lumbered over to the area they were stashing them and set it down. His muscles bulged under his black shirt with the movement. Jessica's breath caught in her throat watching him work. What would they feel like if she brushed her hand against them? When he straightened and headed back toward them, she blushed and focused her attention on pouring Julie a cup of water, pulse racing.

As she filled the empty cup, she calmed her breathing. Her breath seemed steady enough when she held the water out to Julie, but something wasn't right. Julie ignored the cup, instead shifting her gaze from Jessica to Blade and back again. Her mouth opened and then promptly closed it again before taking the proffered cup.

“
Are you ready to leave, Blade?” Julie inquired.

Jessica felt an urge to stomp on the girl's foot for bringing up his leaving, but didn't follow through with it. It wasn't Julie's fault.

“Yes. I don't need much for the trip. Deborah had Erin help with a list of supplies for me to get while I'm gone. I'll hook the trailer up to the truck right before I leave. Other than that, I should be good to go.”

“
We'll miss you while you're gone,” Julie said.

“
She's right,” Erin agreed, joining them. “We'll miss you a lot.”

Blade gave the young girl a quaking grin, then his gaze shifted to Jessica. His smile faded and the shaking grew. Jessica's heart missed several beats, and she breathed like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the underground room.

He looked back at the other two girls, freeing her heart to beat again. “I shouldn't be gone long.”

Julie's eyes narrowed. “Are you guys—” She shook her head. “Never mind. Do you think they'll come looking for you while you're gone?”

She didn't need to say who
they
were. Jessica resisted the urge to bite her nail and Erin looked at the floor. Neither of them needed a reminder of the monsters. But unlike Erin and Julie, Jessica wasn't worried about them coming here. They'd already come and hadn't found their group. They'd be fine. But Blade was going to be around them.

Suddenly, her mouth tasted of dirt. When had she bitten her nail? She resisted the urge to spit, instead discreetly using her cup of water to brush the dirt from her lips.

“
That's really a bad habit, Jessica,” Julie reprimanded her. Not discreetly enough, apparently. “Maybe all this working in the dirt will cure you of it.”

Erin snickered. Jessica sent both girls a dirty look and then cleared it away with a sigh. “You're right.”

“
So, Blade, do you think they'll come?” Julie asked again.

He shook his head. “Probably not. They have a lot going on with trying to get things under control. Plus, they just barely left. I should have time to leave and come back.”

“How long will you be gone?” Erin asked, barely speaking above a whisper.

“
A week. Maybe two. It depends on how easy it is to find everything.” Blade shifted his gaze toward Jessica. She looked back at him through the corner of her eye. “I'll be back as soon as I can.”

His words comforted Jessica a little, but she still wished he didn't have to go at all.

Julie snorted. “Did I miss the memo?”

“
What?” Jessica shook her head.

“
About the two of you. I keep thinking I'm crazy, but the vibes I'm getting… There's gotta be something going on. It's like—”

“
Oh, goody!” Zach interrupted as he came in the hideout and moved to stand next to Jessica. “Is it break time?”

“
Guess so.” Jessica scuffed her foot on the ground.

“
Yeah,” Julie replied more enthusiastically, “I was just about to find out if Jessica and—”

“
If I wanted to take a shower.” Jessica faltered under her lame excuse. Hiding emotions was such much easier than lying. “Because we are getting all dirty, you know. From digging in the dirt.”

She suppressed a grimace as she looked at the expressions around her. Zach gave a half smile while Julie and Erin were looking at her like she'd suddenly gone crazy. Of course Blade's face was maddeningly unreadable, though he probably categorized her in the crazy area, too. Who wouldn't?

“They always say cleanliness is next to godliness.” Jessica cleared her throat. “Would you like a drink, Zach?”

“
That'd be great.”

Jessica grabbed a glass, poured the remaining water into it, and handed it to Zach. His pearly grin widened as his hand brushed against hers. “Thanks.”

“
Mmm hmm.” She looked up to see both Blade and Julie staring at her. “What?”

“
I'll tell you what.” Deborah's agitated voice interrupted. They turned to face her as she stood at the entrance with hands on her hips. “The five of you need to get back to work.”

“
Sorry,” all of them mumbled.

“
Don't be sorry, just get back to work.”

Julie sighed and set her cup down. “I'm going.” Before she left, she gave Jessica a hard stare. Questions were sure to come later. Erin followed after, a quick glance back at them.

Zach gave Jessica's arm a quick squeeze then picked up a bucket and left. Blade's gaze shifted from Zach to Jessica. Heat rose to her cheeks. This couldn't go on. She'd have to find a way to tell Zach she wasn't interested while Blade was gone. Even if she couldn't have a normal relationship with Blade, Zach shouldn't go on thinking something between them might happen. It wouldn't be fair.

Blade walked back over to the pile of dirt-filled buckets and bent to pick one up. “I'm going, too.”

“That's what I like to hear.” Deborah grabbed the empty pitcher. “We'll have this finished in no time at this rate.”

Jessica ambled back over to the spot she'd been working on. Earlier thoughts about finishing the project soon left. She wanted something besides uncomfortable conversations to keep her busy while Blade was gone. Something that would leave her too exhausted at the end of the day to think about anything.