Blackness Within (30 page)

They aren’t surprised. I can’t get hammered and fight tomorrow night. That’s a bad idea. Though drowning myself at the bottom of a bottle has happened more than I’d like to admit as of late. Not tonight. I’m good here with Kieran, Quinn and the kids.

“Don’t wait up,” Kav says before slamming his drink and slapping my back.

He and Cal climb the stairs to get ready for a night of drunken debauchery as Kieran and I stroll into the land of cartoons and family. I feel good here. I like that I feel good here. The blackness within me will rear its ugly head tomorrow, but tonight I’ll steal a little light from my cousin and his shiny family.

Natasha

“Good morning,” Roman murmurs into my hair before scooping me to his side.

“Morning,” I mumble in return.

We’re back to normal. Well, as back to normal as we ever were. I sleep at Roman’s side. I wake up in his arms and snooze as he works from bed. I’m with him most of the time unless business calls him away. Then I spend most of my time with a silent Igor.

He saved me when we crashed according to Roman. I’ve tried to thank Igor multiple times, only to be met with chin lifts and dismissive waves. It must not matter to him as much as it matters to me.

I still get headaches and some fatigue, but overall, I’ve recovered from my concussion. Roman rarely left my side as I got my strength back. I still don’t have a memory of what happened. I wish I could remember it because I feel like I’m missing important information. But I can’t find the memory.

I dream of Sully almost every night. It’s always the same when I do. Him hovering above me and pleading with me to take his hand. He calls me Grey every time. I don’t understand the dreams, but I hold onto them dearly as I drag my way through every day with Roman.

I’ve gotten nothing but sweet Roman since the accident. Because of this, I’m struggling to resist him. He’s irresistible when he’s kind. With each day, my resolve fades and my cravings for comfort increase. I can’t make it through the rest of my life like this. I need love. I need kindness. I need what Roman’s offering me even if it’s not real. I need the false reality. It’s the reason I’m clinging so tightly to dreams of a man that I haven’t seen in months.

When I’m not dreaming of Sully, I’m dreaming of my brother. A proud lion regaining his strength and power. I see his blond mane filling out along with his broad shoulders. I see clear grey eyes determined to make his life everything he deserves. I hold those dreams the closest.

“I miss you,” Roman’s voice interrupts my thoughts.

I peer up at him from beneath my lashes to find his midnight gaze warm and concerned.

“I’m right here,” I assure him.

“You haven’t been with me since the accident.”

“I’ve been with you every moment.”

“Natasha, you have not.”

“Where have I been, Roman?” I ask innocently.

“Hiding,” he says pointedly.

“You hurt me,” I whisper before moving my gaze to his winged chest.

“I know. I can’t take that back. I’m trying to show you that I was misguided.”

These types of statements are all I’ve gotten from him. He never apologizes and that makes his behavior that much more hurtful. He’s not sorry for what he did. He just doesn’t want me to hold it against him anymore.

“I know you are.”

We haven’t had sex since the accident. I know that’s bothering him too. There’s part of me that hopes he finds someone else to sleep with and there’s part of me that fears being replaced. I know where I stand when I’m at his side. I don’t know what happens to me when I’m no longer in that position.

“Forgive me,” he requests gently into my forehead before placing a kiss there.

“Apologize,” I demand harsher than I intend.

I’m on my back with Roman looming above me before I have the ability to regret my dangerous action.

His eyes are filled with fury and warning, causing me to cower into the mattress.

“I have apologized,” he snarls.

“No, you haven’t. You’ve tiptoed around it. You’ve insinuated you’re sorry for what happened that day or that it was a necessary evil, but you’ve never told me you’re sorry for humiliating me and treating me like trash,” I snap back.

I’m blaming the brain trauma for this monumental fuck up.

“I don’t apologize, Natasha,” he growls, leaning down into my face.

“You did the day of the accident,” I remind him.

“I owed you an apology in that moment.” He continues to move into my space, pressing his chest heavily to mine.

“And I don’t now?” I ask in a pained voice.

“You really don’t remember,” he huffs out.

“Remember what, Roman?”

“The accident or anything about that day.”

“I told you I don’t. What does that have to do with you debasing me at Carmine’s?”

He studies my face for a long time before his features soften. The sweet Roman comes into view and my confusion hits an all time high.

“I’m sorry, Natasha. I’ll never use you to prove another point or teach another lesson. When I almost lost you, I realized I was wrong to do that. I value you. I want you at my side and I want you to
want
to be at my side. I don’t want you here because you’re saving your brother. I want you, Natasha,” he says lovingly and my heart stops.

Did he just give me an out? If I say I don’t want to be at his side, will he let me leave? I focus intently on his midnight eyes and try to read the emotion bubbling within them. It’s care and appreciation. I wouldn’t call it love. I would call it adoration. It’s nothing compared to what I see in Sully’s eyes in my dreams, but those are just dreams.

Roman won’t let me go. I know he won’t. He wants the woman back that clung to him for comfort and support. If I don’t give him that, he’ll dismiss me. That’s a certainty. I don’t see it in his face, but I know I’m with him for life and if it’s not by his side, it’s on the floor of Carmine’s. This is my chance to crawl off my knees and stand at Roman’s powerful side.

It’s time. I need to make the choice to live again. I can’t wallow in dreams that will never come true. I have to do more than survive. I need his comfort. I need his kindness. He’s offering me what I need in order to carry on.

“I want to be at your side, Roman,” I say tenderly through a tiny smile.

His lips tip in a relieved grin before he takes my mouth in a passionate kiss. I push Sully from my mind. I don’t want him here for this. I feel guilty bringing him to mind when I’m with Roman now, as though I’m cheating on him. I know I’m not, but it feels that way all the same.

I remove my confused thoughts and allow my body to take over yet again. I don’t have my brother or a man I got a glimpse of in a backyard. I have this. I have a man that desires me and I’ll force myself to be content with that…be content with this.

I thread my fingers into Roman’s soft hair that he’s allowed to grow a little longer since I’ve been here and welcome his tongue’s invasion. His touch is affectionate, full of emotion. My back arches toward him, craving the warmth he’s offering me. The more my mind retreats the more my body urges me forward.

Roman stops the kiss, leaning his forehead against mine. Intimate. My eyes flutter open to find his impassive features lit with feeling. I beam a smile at him and he beams one back, stealing my breath at its beauty.

“I’ll make love to you soon, Natasha. I want Doctor Hassan to clear you first. I’m not willing to take any risks with your health or wellbeing,” he whispers thoughtfully.

“Thank you,” I reply, genuinely thankful for his concern.

“I’ve got business out of town tonight. I think it’s best that you stay here. You’re not completely healed…it’s not worth putting you in jeopardy.”

I’m mind blown right now. I don’t know what to say or do. I’m terrified this is a test, but it feels real. Genuine. I tip my head and kiss the dragon beneath Roman’s chin and the growl of pleasure that bubbles from his chest causes me to shiver.

“Would you like your present?” he murmurs into my cheek before peppering my face with kisses.

“I get a present?” I squeak with surprise.

He chuckles into my skin before nodding and crawling off the bed. I watch his sculpted back stride from the room, the dragon’s wings seemingly flapping with each step Roman takes. I gather the duvet around my chest and arrange the pillows behind my head to sit up better. I’m excited and intrigued, if not a bit nervous.

“Close your eyes,” Roman’s voice requests with a hint of amusement from the other side of the bedroom door.

“My eyes are closed.” And they are.

I hear his footfalls as he enters the room and my breath hitches in anticipation.

“Open your eyes, Natasha.” His breath tickles my ear.

I do as I’m told and gasp loudly before tears form in my eyes.

Natasha

“Roman,” I whisper without looking at him.

My gaze is firmly planted on Junior’s body cradled against Roman’s wide ink-covered chest. Two and a half months have passed since the baby was ripped from my chest. He’s grown and I want to feel the weight of him in my arms as I peruse him for any maltreatment.

I stretch my hands toward the sleeping bundle and Roman quickly passes him off to me. I lay Junior across my arms and peer down into his face. He’s resting peacefully as I unzip his pajamas. Roman climbs in bed behind me, rearranging the pillows and blankets before pulling my back to his chest as his legs settle on the outside of mine. Intimate.

I get Junior naked and check him over thoroughly, trying not to disturb him too much. I wouldn’t mind if he woke up though. I want to see his eyes, his responsiveness.

“What are you doing?” Roman whispers into my ear.

“Making sure he’s healthy.”

“Do you think I’d harm a baby?” he asks aghast.

“I don’t know. When I found him two and a half months ago he was in bad shape,” I mutter as I continue to fuss with the baby.

“You have your brother to thank for that,” he grinds out, clamping more firmly.

“I’m a nurse, Roman. I’m just doin’ my job.”

“Ivan is fine. I assure you no harm has come to him while he’s been in the Bratva.”

“Ivan,” I whisper the baby’s given name as his eyes begin to crack open.

The baby blue color has gotten darker since the last time I saw him. There’s a midnight blue quality to them that’s familiar to that of the man holding me.

“He’s yours,” I state quietly as Ivan fully wakes and gazes intently at me.

I know there’s no way he remembers me. I’m not completely delusional, but I swear he’s studying my face trying to place me. I run my finger along his chubby cheek and he giggles before wiggling to try to sit up.

“He’s my son,” Roman responds as I sit Ivan upright in my lap to face me.

“How old is he?”

I start playing with the baby, bouncing him and clapping our hands as I wait for a response.

“Almost seven months.”

“His mother?”

“She served her purpose long ago,” he retorts coolly.

I’m not sure what that means. I’m not sure I want to know what that means.

“You said I was the only woman you didn’t use a condom with,” I whisper at the realization he’s lied to me about that very important fact.

“You are. Condoms break,” he says curtly.

I decide to move on.

“How many children do you have?”

Ivan has taken to eating my fingers, his mouth warm and drool-filled.

“Just Ivan for now.”

“For now?”

“I’d like more children. Would you like to have children?”

“I’m not sure,” I answer honestly. I always believed I would be a mother at some point. I love caring for babies and helping bring them into the world. But if I’m honest, I’ve always worried I wouldn’t be a good mother. I haven’t had a great example and I refuse to be the kind of mother I had growing up. Working long hours as a nurse has always been a good excuse to never think about building a family. My ex, Ben, struggled with that in our relationship. I would never have the family and future talk with him. I’m not sure I want to have it with Roman either.

“You’re not sure you want to be a mother or you’re not sure you want to be the mother of my children?” Roman’s question holds warning.