Bittersweet (23 page)

It
was the first time she’d acknowledged in words the nature of her feelings for Adam,
of his feelings for her. And, for some reason, saying it aloud made it real,
meant she would be broken again if she lost him.

She
choked on a sob as grief and terror slammed into her in merciless succession.

Adam
seemed so warm and alive beside her.

His
cousin, her husband, was cold in the ground.

And
there was nothing to guarantee it wouldn’t happen to Adam too.

“I’m
so sorry,” she rasped, stumbling to her feet, “I can’t do this. I just can’t.”

She
hurried out of the room, blinded by tears and fighting the ludicrous impulse to
go back and comfort Adam, whom she’d treated unforgivably.

But
she didn’t turn back. She went into the guest room she was sharing with Logan,
changed into her pajamas, and got into bed in the dark.

She
cried silently for a really long time, wishing it didn't have to be so hard, so
confusing, so endlessly conflicted.

She
was so upset that she eventually called her mother, even though it was late and
her mom might already be in bed. She spoke softly, so she wouldn’t wake Logan.

After
assuring her mother that there was no emergency, she tried to explain why she’d
called.

She
wasn’t very articulate, but her mom seemed to understand anyway.

“You
told him you couldn’t be with him?”

“Yeah.”
Zoe was still choking on sobs.

“What
did you tell him about why?”

“I
didn’t tell him. I just ran away. I was horrible to him. I’m horrible.”

“Oh,
honey, you’re not. You’re just scared. After what you’ve been through, you’d be
crazy not to be scared.”

“So
how do I not be?”

“I
wish I knew. I wish there was a magic fix to make it all better.” There was a
pause, and it sounded like her mom was getting her own emotions under control. “But
death is always the hardest thing.”

Zoe
wiped away tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t want to be scared
anymore.”

“You
know what the Bible says?”

“Are
you really going to quote the Bible to me right now?”

“I
promise I’m not going to preach. Just listen. It might help. It says that love
is as strong as death.”

Zoe
had been about to object, but something about the words silenced her.

“Do
you understand what it means, Zoe? It means you can still love Josh, even
though he’s dead. It means that you can love both of them. It means you don’t always
have to be afraid.”

Sobbing
helplessly now, Zoe tried to respond, but she couldn’t.

When
she’d finally controlled herself, her mother said, “You know you can call me
any time you want, but don’t you think you should go talk to Adam now?”

“Yeah.
I think I better.”

After
ending the call, Zoe lay on the bed for a moment, her whole body hurting.

Then
she slid her wedding band off her finger, kissed it, and put it on the
nightstand.

Without
letting her talk herself out of it, she got out of bed, quietly left the room,
and walked barefoot down the polished hall of the apartment.

She
didn't really know where to find him, but she ended up in the study, where Adam
was still awake and dressed, sitting behind his desk.

He
had his head in his hand, and he was staring down at a document on his desk. Maybe
he was just reading it.

But
for some reason he looked defeated.

She
made a noise in her throat—of compassion, of guilt, of affection—as she saw how
heavy and aching he appeared, still trying to work at almost four in the
morning.

He
straightened with a jerk at the sound, and his eyes flew over to where she
stood in the doorway. “Zoe? What’s the matter?”

She
tried to speak but her mouth was too dry, and she had to try again before she
could say one cracked word. “Nothing.”

He
stood up, and she walked over to him. She knew she must look horrible, with
tangled hair and a raw, tear-streaked face, wearing nothing but a white tank
and pajama pants. But he didn’t seem to notice. His eyes devoured her,
conveying the most intense, urgent question she’d ever seen.

“I
can’t stand to—” Her voice broke again, and she had to restart. “I can’t stand
to lose you.”

“I’m
not going anywhere. You take all the time you need. This is where I want to
be.”

He
hadn’t understood.

She
tried again. “I can’t stand to lose you too.”

And
that
he understood. His expression softened with grief for a moment, a
reminder of how much he’d loved Josh too.

Then
he said in a low voice, “Baby, I can’t guarantee anything except I’ll be here
for you every moment I’m alive.”

Tears
streamed down her cheeks as she gazed up at him.

“Is
that going to be enough?” He cupped her face now with both hands.

She
reached out and clutched a handful of his shirt, realizing that what she felt
for him was bigger—so much bigger—than any fear that he might die.  “Yeah. It
is. It’s enough.”

Adam stared at Zoe,
almost blankly.

Her
heart was beating wildly, and her hands shook a little as they clung to his
jacket lapels. Finally, she prompted, “Adam?”

Ridiculously,
she experienced a wave of self-consciousness about having thrown herself at him
with so little prelude.

“You
mean—” he began, his expression still frozen strangely.

Zoe’s
cheeks flushed and she dropped her hands to her sides. “Yeah,” she mumbled,
looking down. “It’s enough. I want to be with you.”

Adam
made an odd sound and, when she glanced up, his face had completely
transformed.

She
swallowed hard, suddenly overwhelmed by the shattering expression on his face,
in his eyes. Like everything he’d held back for so long was suddenly set free.
“If you still want,” she added, rather stupidly.

He
made another choked sound—this one almost like a laugh—and grabbed her face harder
and pulled her into an eager kiss.

As
his lips claimed hers, a flood of pleasure and need slammed into her. She
clutched at him again, her own hunger matching his.

After
a few seconds, Zoe’s whole body hummed with desire and a kind of urgency she
hadn’t experienced in ages. So, when Adam tore his mouth away, she let out a
frustrated grunt.

“Zoe,
are you sure?” he asked, studying her so searchingly it was like he could see
into her soul.

She
nodded, one of her hands twisted in his tie. “Oh yeah, Adam. Take me to bed.”

He
made another guttural noise, his eyes briefly conveying that same overwhelming
mingling of need, awe, and absolute relief before she lost sight of everything
in his kiss.

She
opened her mouth to him, pulling him as close as she could. The feelings and
sensations spiraled up again so quickly that she found herself trying to wrap
herself around him, feel him as much as she could. His lean hard body, his hot
tension, and his clutching hands only fueled her own desire.

She
was so caught up in the kiss that she squealed in surprise when her balance was
suddenly disrupted. Her arms flew out to cling to his neck as he swung her up
into his arms.

“What
are you doing?” she gasped, fluttering between surprise and giddy delight as he
started to carry her out of the study and down the hallway.

“I’m
taking you to bed.” His skin glistened with a sheen of sweat, and his hair was
hopelessly rumpled.

She
couldn’t believe—couldn’t wrap her mind around—the way he seemed to want her so
much.

He
carried her into his bedroom where he laid her on the bed. She drew him down on
top of her, before he could take off any of his clothes.

They
kissed again, even more urgently than before. Zoe clawed at his jacket, trying
to get it off over his shoulders. At the same time, she wrapped one of her legs
around his hips, instinctively trying to get friction on her building arousal.

“Zoe,”
Adam rasped, his mouth tracing a line along her jaw and then down her neck.
“You’re so sweet. So…damn!” His voice broke off when she found the bulge at the
front of his pants and started to rock against it with her hips.

She
whimpered in response to both his words and the feel of his arousal against
hers. Then she gasped when she felt his hand slide between their bodies and
then slip under the waistband of her pajamas.

He
kissed her again as he stroked her intimately. She tried to concentrate on the
kiss, on the motion of her lips and her tongue, but her body began to shake as
her desire built up sooner than she could have expected.

She
couldn’t remember ever being so turned on so quickly. It was like some sort of
hot hunger had taken possession of her body.

Her
head jerked to the side as the pleasure intensified, and Adam raised his head
so he could watch as she rocked into the rhythm of his hand.

“You’re
so beautiful,” he murmured. “I’ve never known anyone as beautiful as you.”

She
bit her lip hard, closing her eyes as the sensations built. Then her spine
arched up and her mouth fell open in a silent cry as the pleasure coalesced
into a hard climax.

“Oh
God!” she gasped, as she shuddered down from her release. “Oh God!”

She
met Adam’s eyes and saw an almost feral possessiveness there that both thrilled
and terrified her. Suppressing those feelings, she quirked her lips at him.
“Wow. That was pretty good.”

His
arched one eyebrow. “Pretty good?”

“Well,
I clearly didn’t make you try very hard.”

He
gave her an answering smile. “Who said I’m through trying?” Then he lowered his
face to her neck again to mouth the sensitive spot just over her pulse.

The
distraction of their dry conversation faded almost immediately as Adam began to
kiss and caress her again. With her first climax taking a momentary edge off
her arousal, Zoe managed to focus enough to tackle the task of undressing him.

She
finished pulling off his jacket and then slid off his tie and untucked his shirt.
In this process, she was hampered by the fact that Adam refused to get up or
stop touching her.

He’d
pushed up her tank top and was suckling one of her breasts, the stimulation
driving her crazy. She’d gotten her hands under his shirt so she could feel his
bare back, but soon her intensifying desire caused her to dig her fingernails
into his skin.

He
slid his hand between her legs again and found exactly the right spot to
massage.

Zoe
cried out loudly at the sharp jolt of pleasure.

Adam
was breathing fast, and his body pulsed with heat as he pleasured her breast
with his mouth and stroked her with his hand.

Before
she completely lost it again, she fumbled with the button and zipper on his
trousers until she could find his erection.

Adam
grunted against her nipple when she wrapped her hand around his length and squeezed.

They
built up a rhythm between them, their bodies rocking together instinctively and
Zoe trying to please him with her hand as much as he was pleasing her.

Her
body tightened and then started to shake as he caressed her to orgasm. She
could feel Adam’s body tighten too.

“Oh,
Zoe,” Adam rasped, releasing her nipple as his head jerked to the side. His
hips were still moving involuntarily into the rhythm of her hand. “I’m going
to…to lose it.”

For
some reason, his uncontrolled exclamation—his obvious need of her—drove Zoe
over the edge. She jerked a few times against the stroking of his fingers and
then felt the deep tension inside her shatter.

She
made a choked, wordless sound as she came hard, her hand still squeezing him
and her body rubbing against him however she could.

Adam
choked, “Zoe, Zoe.” His entire body tightened like a fist. Then he came too,
hard and clearly before he wanted to.

He
collapsed halfway on top of her, his hot, relaxing body feeling delicious on
top of hers.

“Just
great,” Adam muttered, pulling himself up after a moment.

She
giggled and drew him up into a hug. “What’s the matter?”

He
gave her a dry look but settled into her embrace. “I’m not setting a very good
precedent with you so far.”

“I
think it’s a very good precedent. And I assume it doesn’t have to be over yet.”

“Your
faith in my powers of recovery is gratifying. Let’s hope it’s not ill-founded.”

Zoe
squeezed him in her arms and laughed out loud, surprised by a burst of
amusement at both the clever words and his ironically aggrieved tone. “I know
you’re not as young as you used to be, but I’m sure your powers of recovery can
make a comeback before the night is over.”