Bittersweet (26 page)

She
gave a little sob, squeezed her eyes closed, and ducked her head, trying
desperately to keep her shoulders from shaking.

“Oh
baby,” Adam said thickly, reaching out to pull her into his arms. “Come here.”

She
shook against his chest for just a moment, feeling warm and comforted and at
peace for the first time all evening.

“I’m
sorry,” she said at last, raising her face to look up into his. “You’ve been
just wonderful. And I’m...I’m not.”

“Yes,
you are,” he said, his voice still a little rough. He pulled her tightly
against him again and brushed a few kisses into her hair. “I think I went about
this all wrong. I should have done something more natural for our first date.
We’ll try again. It will be better.” She felt him stiffen just a little as he
paused. Then he added, almost diffidently, “Assuming you want to try again.”

Just
a few minutes ago she might have hesitated, but now things seemed to have
changed. With a few last sniffs, she pulled away and gave him a rather wet
grin. “Yeah. Let’s try again.”

*
* *

Their next date
was better. And the third was even better than the second.

And,
for their fourth date, Adam came over to her place for a late dinner after
Logan was already asleep. Zoe made grilled chicken and risotto, and they ate it
in front of the fire in the living room with the bottle of Chardonnay Adam had
brought.

After
a while, they ended up in the bedroom.

They
hadn’t had sex since that time in Adam’s apartment, and Zoe was so hungry for
him she came once just from foreplay before they’d even made it to the bedroom.
Once in bed, Adam moved very slowly, his eyes caressing her with a tender
smolder she couldn’t seem to get enough of.

He
kissed and stroked her for a long time, bringing her to climax again with his
hands and his mouth. Then he finally put on the condom and settled himself
between her legs.

It
was only once he was inside her deeply, her arms and legs wrapped around him as
tightly as she could get, that Adam lost his unhurried control. He tried to
guide them in a steady rhythm, sustain a pleasing rocking motion. But his motion
kept accelerating, his features almost twisting with tension. And his eyes were
so hot and hungry Zoe felt like she might burn in them.

For
some reason, his obvious neediness was more intoxicating than his deliberate
seduction. Zoe felt her body respond, and she gasped out, “Oh God, Adam! Adam!”

His
attempt at a controlled rhythm failed utterly. His hips rutted wildly as his
whole body tightened up like a fist. His grunts matched her pants and sobs of
pleasure, and their tangled bodies generated so much heat Zoe thought she might
literally melt.

It
wasn’t long before Adam lost it completely, and the entire time his eyes never
left her face. He came hard, gasping her name on his last taken breath. The
look on his face was so overwhelming that Zoe lost it too, coming with him at
the very last second.

Afterwards,
she gathered him into her arms, loving the weight of his hot, relaxed body on
top of hers as much as she had the previous time. And, like last time, he
seemed beyond words, like their coupling had drained him of the power of
speech.

So
she didn’t say anything. Just held him as they fell asleep together.

They
were awakened less than an hour later by the sound of Logan crying.

He
almost never cried at night anymore, so Zoe jerked awake at the first cry. She
was groggy and disoriented, and her arm was prickling painfully from being
trapped under Adam’s body. Before she could get it together, Adam was pulling
on his pants. “I’ll check on him,” he said.

Zoe
started to object, but didn’t. There was no reason why Adam couldn't check on
his nephew. Logan was too young to recognize anything significant in Adam's
being present in their house in the middle of the night.

He
was gone much longer than Zoe expected. So, after a few minutes, when she still
heard Logan crying, Zoe pulled on a bathrobe and went to see what was going on.

She
smelled what was going on before she saw it.

She
found Adam trying to clean up Logan at the changing table, and not having a lot
of success with it. She took one look at her very unhappy son and a very messy
case of diarrhea all over Logan’s bedding and the changing table and said, “Oh,
the poor little thing. You better just put him in the tub. I’ll clean up in
here.”

Adam
did as she suggested, picking up a still messy Logan and holding him against
his bare chest as he carried him into the bathroom. Zoe almost gagged as she
pulled up the bedding, Logan’s pajamas, and everything else that had been
dirtied.

As
she passed the bathroom, she heard Logan still crying. And Adam said, “I know
it’s very unpleasant, but you’re a trooper. You’ll be all right.”

After
throwing everything into the washer and then wiping down everything that
couldn't be laundered, she cleaned herself up and went to the kitchen to pour
some of Logan’s rehydration drink into a sippy cup.

Adam
and Logan weren’t in the living room. And they weren’t in Logan’s bathroom or
bedroom. She finally found them in the sitting area of the master bedroom. The
lights were still off, but Adam had turned on the gas log in the fireplace. He
was stretched out on the chaise lounge, holding Logan against his chest.

Adam
had evidently cleaned himself up, and he’d put Logan in a new diaper and set of
pajamas.

Adam
looked absolutely exhausted.

She
smiled at him as she gave Logan his sippy cup and then went to pull out a pair
of cotton pajamas for herself. After she put them on, she went over and curled
up beside Adam and Logan on the chaise, pulling a throw blanket up over them
all.

She
kissed Adam on the cheek as he put his arm around her, adjusting Logan a little
so he could hold them both. “Thank you,” she whispered, after ascertaining that
Logan wasn’t feverish or too pale.

Adam
gave a half-shrug. “I think he’s all right.”

“Yeah.
It might just be a virus. Or something he ate.”

Logan
had been sucking on the sippy cup, but now he lifted his head from Adam’s
chest. “Lo-gen poopy,” he informed her gravely.

“I
know,” she said. “You poopied a lot. Do you feel all right now?”

After
a brief pause, he gave a nod. “Right. Now.” Then he babbled a little, the only
clear words being “Un-Cla Lala” and “bath.”

“Yes,
Uncle Adam gave you a bath. It was very nice of him.”

Logan
had his sippy cup in his mouth again and he nestled into Adam’s arm. He was
asleep before he finished his cup.

Zoe
felt rather dazed by an intensely romantic evening followed by a very nasty
bout of childcare. She could tell Adam looked a little dazed too.

She
wondered what Josh would have been like as a father, if he would have been as
loving and careful as Adam was with the little boy.

She
was sure he would have been. He’d just never been given the chance.

Adam
shifted slightly beside her, and then she felt his breath against her ear. “You
okay?” he asked, very softly.

Zoe
smiled up at him, touched by the concerned question in his eyes. “Yeah. I am.”

*
* *

A few weeks
later Adam picked up Zoe and Logan on a Sunday morning, after telling her he
wanted to take them to brunch.

Zoe
didn’t question this plan. She had no reason to question it, even though it was
a little early in the morning for brunch.

Both
Adam and Logan were in very good moods, and Zoe felt quite pleased with the day
as well. The weather was sunny. The weekend was only half over, and things were
going very well between her and Adam.

Adam
wouldn’t tell her where they were going to brunch. She tried to tease it out of
him, but he was as stubborn as she was.

So
Zoe had absolutely no clue when Adam’s driver drove them to the airport, and
then a private jet flew them to Memphis.

They
went to the lobby of the Peabody and were given the very best table for seeing
the Duck March.

Logan
was ecstatic as he saw the line of ducks walk through the lobby of the elegant
hotel and wade into the marble fountain. He stood on his chair and clapped his
hands with joy, babbling so rapidly he was incomprehensible.

Zoe
was charmed and delighted by the novelty of it all, and she had trouble
repressing ripples of happy laughter as she watched the ducks and her son.

Adam
kept his hand on Logan’s back, keeping him from falling off his chair. And he
seemed to be more interested in watching Logan and Zoe than he was in watching
the famous ducks.

The
ducks finally started to march out. Zoe was trying not to giggle like a
girl—out of pure
joie de vivre
. And Logan was so entranced by the ducks
that he clung to the back of his chair and leaned over way too far, in an
attempt to keep them in his sight.

Adam
grabbed the boy’s shirt before the chair toppled over.

“Mommy,”
a little girl said from the next table. The lobby was loud and full of people
who had come to watch the ducks. There was no particular reason why Zoe would
have tuned into that childish little voice. But she heard, “That little boy
almost fell, but his daddy caught him.”

Zoe’s
breath hitched painfully.

She
was quite sure that, for someone outside, Adam looked and acted like Logan’s
father.

But
he wasn’t Logan’s father.

She
pushed the conflicted thought from her mind, not wanting to spoil the happy
day. And soon they went the hotel restaurant to have an absolutely delicious
brunch, Logan particularly enjoying the gingerbread pancakes. And then, since
they'd flown all that way, they walked around some and went to the zoo.

Logan
was so tired that he fell asleep as soon as the plane took off on the ride home.

Zoe
stared out the window and couldn’t help but remember what that little girl had
said earlier.

She
wanted Adam to have a great relationship with his nephew. She wanted him to be
the male influence Logan might not otherwise have. She wanted Adam to love him.
And Logan to love Adam. She wanted them to spend as much time together as
possible.

But
it still occasionally made her kind of sad that Adam was having the
relationship with Logan that should have been Josh’s.

She
hated herself for the thought. It wasn't fair to Adam, and there wasn’t any
good to come out of that way of thinking.

So
she made herself stop.

Adam
had been talking to the pilot, but now he came over to sit beside her.

She
smiled at him and said, “Thanks so much for today.”

“You’re
welcome. I had a good time.”

“Me
too.” She sighed, trying to stifle the bittersweet ache that wouldn’t seem to
go away. “And Logan had the time of his life.”

They
were silent for a minute. Then Adam said, “I’ll never pretend to be his father,
you know.”

“I
know. I know that.”

After
another long moment, Adam glanced away and asked, “Would you like me to...back
off a little? Spend less time with him?”

Zoe
shook her head immediately. “No. No, Adam. Logan needs you.”

She
didn’t say it out loud, but she knew Adam needed Logan too.

They’d been
dating for three months, and Adam had fallen into the routine of coming over
Saturday evenings and spending the night.

Zoe
always enjoyed having him in her big antique bed on Saturday nights, and she
and Logan both loved spending Sunday mornings with him.

But
this evening Adam was in a bad mood, and Zoe ended up taking a bath before bed,
mostly just to get away from him for a little while.

He’d
been in a bad mood for the last week or so. It wasn’t like he ever snapped at
her or started arguments or even ignored her. He was always as meticulously
polite as ever.

But
Zoe wasn't a fool. She knew he was in a bad mood. He'd always withdrawn, got
distant, when something was bothering him. And, although he didn't stop
spending time with her, for the last few days he didn't seem to really be
with
her.

She
went out of her way to be nice to him. She’d cooked him dinner and then let him
pick out whatever movie he wanted to watch after Logan went to bed. But during
both dinner and the movie Adam kept lapsing into broody silence. She’d even
offered to give him a back rub afterwards, since she thought maybe his back was
bothering him.

He’d
refused.

That
was when she decided to take a long bath and leave him to his brooding and his
laptop.

After
a very nice bath, Zoe put on her favorite set of soft pajamas. She’d been going
to wear a slinky new chemise she’d just bought for him, but now she wasn’t
really in the mood for it.