Bittersweet (16 page)

Adam
scooped Logan up, ignoring his whimpers and then his wail of disappointment at
another game of his ending prematurely. “Did you want to look at anything again?”
Adam asked Zoe.

“No.
Thanks for arranging to show me this. I’ll make up my mind by tomorrow.”

Because
he was being ignored, Logan quieted down pretty quickly. And, when Zoe asked in
a cheerful voice, “Do you want to look at the park, Logan?” the boy clapped his
hands in excitement.

They
walked over to the park. Zoe and Logan went to investigate the paths through
the trees, while Adam stopped at a bench to call up the agent handling the sale
of the townhouse.

After
Logan had collected a number of leaves and rocks, they headed back toward Adam.

When
Zoe caught sight of him again, he was standing in the sun, talking on the
phone. Sunlight illuminated his brown hair almost gold and made his handsome
face seem to glow.

As
he glanced over, still deep in his conversation, and saw them approaching, he
smiled at her—a warm expression almost surprised on his face.

Zoe
felt a powerful surge of attraction, wanting him with an ache similar to the
one she’d felt for the townhouse. It was emotional and physical both. She
wanted
him.

Immediately,
she suppressed the desire. Those waves of attraction hit her sometimes—they had
ever since she’d gotten so aroused giving him the backrub a couple of months
ago. But she usually managed to keep those feelings at bay, since they scared
and bewildered her.

She
took Logan’s hand so he wouldn’t run over to Adam and interrupt his phone
conversation and then she shifted the course of her thoughts, refusing to
linger on how handsome and compelling Adam looked—smiling at her like that.

*
* *

Zoe felt
unusually tired so she went to bed early that evening. But then she couldn’t
sleep. She kept brooding about the townhouse, wondering if she should buy it,
wondering if Josh would want her to buy it, wondering if it mattered at all
that it would never be a place Josh would have chosen to live himself.

She
tried to clear her mind. Tried to go to sleep. But she couldn’t do it. Eventually
she started to cry.

When
she couldn’t stop, she got out of bed and went to the living room so she
wouldn’t wake Logan. She picked up a framed photograph and stared at it, wiping
away her tears. It was from their honeymoon in St. Lucia, and she’d been
sitting on his lap on a beach chair. They both were grinning widely. They
looked young and so happy. Zoe was staring directly at the camera, but Josh had
been looking at her.

Noticing
his expression now, Zoe tried to swallow over more sobs. He’d loved her. It was
so obvious in his expression. He’d wanted to go to Australia for their
honeymoon, but it was such a long trip that Zoe had demurred, not wanting to
spend half their time travelling. He’d relented and agreed to go to St. Lucia
instead, because that was what Zoe had wanted.

Suddenly,
she knew. She
knew
.

Wiping
her eyes on the sleeve of her pajamas, she fumbled for her phone. She pressed a
number and waited three rings until the call connected.

“Zoe,”
Adam demanded without greeting, “What’s wrong?”

He
sounded so urgent that she blinked. Then she realized it was after midnight.
“Oh. Nothing. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking about the time.”

“It’s
not a problem. What is it?”

Zoe
was washed with a wave of embarrassment. “It’s nothing important. I didn’t
realize it was so late. I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“No,
I wasn’t asleep.” He sounded odd—his voice thick with an unusual texture.
“What’s going on, Zoe?”

“It’s
nothing,” she repeated, then realized how ridiculous that was to say. “I mean,
I was just going to tell you I want to buy the house. I’ve decided.”

There
was silence on the other end, longer than she’d expected.

“Adam?”
she prompted.

“That’s
good. I think it’s a good decision. I wasn’t sure…” He trailed off and didn’t
complete whatever he was going to say. “What decided you?”

“It
seems like the perfect place for me. The only difficulty was giving up the loft
and moving somewhere that…that doesn’t have anything of Josh in it.”

“I
know. I realize that will be hard.”

“But
he loved me,” she said, her voice breaking as she stared down again at the
expression in her husband’s face in the photograph. “He would want me to be
happy. I know it sounds kind of clichéd. And obviously I’ve always known it was
true. But you can know something without really
knowing
it. If you know
what I mean.”

After
another pause, Adam said hoarsely, “I know what you mean.” He cleared his
throat. “I’ll put in your offer first thing tomorrow. Do you want to offer the
full price?”

“I
will—if you think that’s a good idea.”

“I
do. The asking price is more than fair, and they’ve done us a favor by not
making us wait until it officially went on the market, when we might end up in
a bidding war.”

“Okay.
Let’s do that then. Full price.”

There
was another pause on the end of the line. Zoe’s breath hitched as she finally
processed how odd Adam had sounded through the whole conversation. Distracted,
disconnected, with that thick resonance in his voice. It was the middle of the
night. He claimed he hadn’t been to sleep.

She
wondered what exactly he’d been doing.

With
a sharp pang in her chest, she said, “I’m sorry I called so late. It was thoughtless.
I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

“It’s
fine, Zoe.” His voice was a little impatient, but it still sounded unusually
throaty. And she noticed he didn’t actually deny that she’d interrupted
something.

“Okay.
I’ll talk to you tomorrow morning,” she said quickly, her cheeks burning again.

When
she hung up, she stared at her phone, wondering if her suspicions were correct
and she’d interrupted Adam when he’d been with a woman.

She
knew he dated sometimes. There didn’t seem to be anyone serious, but she
assumed that sex was part of his dating life.

He’d
sounded worried when he’d answered the phone. If he hadn’t thought that
something was wrong, he probably wouldn’t have answered at all. And now Zoe was
bombarded by images of him naked in bed, covered only by a sheet, with a gorgeous,
tousled woman beside him. Kissing him. Stroking him. Turning him on.

Her
belly tightened. Her chest tightened. Her throat tightened. But she made
herself breathe deeply and be reasonable about the whole thing.

It
didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything about their friendship or Adam’s place
in hers and Logan’s life. He could have wild, passionate sex with anyone he
wanted. He could fuck gorgeous woman until they screamed in ecstasy. Women
could make
Adam
scream in ecstasy.

It
shouldn’t matter in any way to Zoe.

But
it did.

The
truth was— it
did
matter. It bothered her a lot. She hated the idea of
it. Hated the image of him in bed with another woman.

She
knew Adam was off-limits to her. She knew she could never have him.

And
she knew it was irrational. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. But the truth was
simply this.

She
didn’t want anyone else to have him either.

Zoe stared at
herself in the mirror, telling herself she looked perfectly appropriate for a
blind date.

She
wore heels, chocolate brown jeans, and a flattering top that didn’t show any
cleavage.

She
didn’t want to go out on a blind date, but she was anyway.

A
couple of her friends had picked this guy, Ryan, out for her, and they’d been
nagging her about it for a month.

She’d
been holding them off pretty well, but every conversation about it ended up
becoming an inquisition about her relationship with Adam. They all figured
that, if she didn’t want to go out with this guy, then she must already be
attached to someone else.

The
questions about Adam were something Zoe couldn’t handle. She didn’t always know
the answers to them, and that made her feel sick and guilty.

Josh
had been her husband. She shouldn’t be attracted to his cousin this way.

Just
the idea of it scared her. Had to be wrong.

So
she’d finally relented and agreed to the blind date, mostly just to get her
friends off her back.

She
was smoothing down her hair when she noticed a glint of diamond on her left
hand.

She
glanced down at her engagement and wedding rings.

She
really shouldn’t wear the rings on a date with someone else.

With
a familiar heaviness in her belly, she slipped them off and went to put them in
Josh’s leather box.

As
the doorman rang up, saying that Ryan was here, Zoe felt strangely naked.

She
didn’t like the feeling at all.

*
* *

When Ryan had
called earlier that week, he’d asked where she wanted to go to dinner. She’d
mentioned a new Italian place that Adam had been talking up, so that was where
they ended up going.

It
wasn’t a bad evening at all. Ryan was nice and cute and, by any normal
criteria, would have been a great potential date for her. But, by the time
dessert was eaten and the check came, she was ready for it to be over.

She
missed Logan. And, ridiculously, she kind of missed Adam too. While Ryan was very
pleasant, it wasn’t the same as hanging out with Adam.

Zoe
had thought about asking Adam if he wanted to babysit tonight, but she felt a
little strange about bringing up the date at all. So she hadn’t mentioned it
one way or the other and had instead taken Logan over to her nanny, since the
woman had school-aged kids and couldn’t stay at the loft in the evenings.

Her
nanny had suggested Logan just spend the night, since it would be late when Zoe
returned and they would already be asleep. Zoe thought the woman might also
have been thinking that Zoe might appreciate some privacy in the loft at the
end of the date. It was a kind thought on her nanny’s fault, however
ill-founded.

There
was no way she was going to bed with her blind date tonight.

As
they were leaving the restaurant, Ryan told her it had been great to meet her,
and he put an arm around her in a casual half-hug. It didn’t feel pushy or
presumptuous, so Zoe smiled up at him.

Then
something drew her eyes toward the door.

A
couple was entering the restaurant. The woman was slim with long brown hair,
expensive clothes, and an exotic kind of beauty—and she was practically draped
all over her handsome date. He wore a dark suit and an air of understated
authority.

He
was Adam Peterson.

Zoe
stared, a surge of outraged entitlement and hot anger rushing over her at the
sight of that brunette hanging all over Adam. She was so taken aback that she
couldn’t move, even when Adam’s gaze swung over toward her.

He
froze too, his dark eyes taking in her outfit, her date, and Ryan’s arm, still
wrapped around her.

Since
Zoe was trying to fight off the irrational urge to claw the flirtatious smile
off the face of Adam's elegant date, she decided that lingering small talk
wasn’t in order.

“Hi,”
she said, trying to sound natural and not sure if she succeeded. “I didn’t
expect to see you here.”

After
the first intense once-over, Adam’s expression withdrew. “No. Me either.”

She
hadn’t seen that cool look in his eyes since shortly after Josh had died, and
it made her as ill as the sight of that brunette’s hands all over him did.

She
forced a smile. “Well, the dinner was great. Hope you have a good time. Talk to
you later.”

Zoe
took Ryan’s arm and steered him toward the door, before he could introduce
himself and prolonged the horrible encounter.

*
* *

She was shaky
and pale when Ryan dropped her back off at home.

She
tried to be friendly and polite as she said goodnight, since he had been
nothing but nice to her, but there was no way she was going to invite him up.

When
she finally made it back into the loft, Zoe closed and locked the door behind her,
shaking with a few silent sobs.

She
couldn’t get out of her mind the sight of Adam with that other woman.

And,
for some reason, it felt like it changed everything.

Instinctively,
she ran over to the desk and pulled out Josh’s leather box.

She
found her rings and put them on. Then she cradled her left hand with her right
one.

She’d
never felt like this when Josh was alive—like the world was sliding out of her
grip, like she couldn’t possibly hold on,  like she was helpless in the wake of
it.