Beyond Complicated (33 page)

Brad, you owe me two hundred fifty thousand dolars.

Eighteen years' worth of child support."

"Liam," he said stumbling for me.

"Save it. I have nothing to say to you. Brad, there's your son. The one you were just lamenting never knowing. Look at him. Yeah, it's al there. I just never saw it. His smile. I fel in love with his smile. Because it was yours. He's just like you, except he's not. He's sweet. Beautiful in body and soul. He has your smile and your hands and your brain. But he's not you." I didn't know what the hel I was saying anymore. Kel's face, the stark pain etched there should have shut me up. But I was beyond caring who I hurt. "Selfish bastard, you shouldn't be here. You ruined everything.

You. Because of you. And Sabrina. My life, his life.

None of this would have been. If you'd just owned up to your mistakes." If he had, I never would have met Seth. I wouldn't have Kel in my life at al. I needed them both. Like oxygen or water. I needed them. They were my heart and my soul.

"I'm sorry. Is that what you want to hear? I was a kid. What the hel was I supposed to do? I did what I thought was best. I thought she was lying. I thought she was with Kenny. Hel, she
was
with Kenny. She's stil with Kenny. She let that piece of shit raise my son as if he was his own. Lied to everyone. Now I can't have a son and he's the closest thing I'l ever have and he's yours. He's looking at me as if I'm something he stepped in. Because he's yours."

I didn't know what to say. He had three daughters with Lisa, I'd seen two of them with my own eyes. Beautiful girls… who looked remarkably like…

"Kim. And Kacey. Both of them? Al six kids? Al of them."

Kel sat down hard in the chair across from me.

Seth stood behind him. Hands on his shoulders, his eyes locked with mine. Asking wordless questions that I didn't have answers for.

"I remember him. He came around a few times when I was little. Before Ken came back. And then after Kim was born. Once. He was there when I got off the bus. Ken was gone with the baby, somewhere. She said he was a salesman," Kel snorted, he swayed in the chair. "Oh my god. Ken never liked any of us. I thought Kacey, at least but he never did. I was corrupted by Liam. Kacey and Kim. Oh, god. She tried to protect us from him. When he drank too much she kept him away.

He went after Kacey once. It took both me and Bily to pul him off. He hit me. I'd forgotten that." Kel ran his hand over his right jaw. "I was eleven."

Brad had the gal to look sick. He swayed on his feet. My dad caught him and helped him to the closest chair. "There are more kids? I didn't know she had other children."

"Were you with her after school?" I said softly.

I wanted to understand. I wanted to puke. My gut swirled. My head wanted to explode. My heart beat too fast. It was the panic. I knew it was coming and I had to control it.

"A couple of times. The summer after colege. I wanted to see him. He was napping. Things just happened. And then the next summer between terms. I came home for a visit just before the semester started. I didn't know she was married to Ken. I didn't know they had a baby. She named him after my grandfather. Did you know that? She named him for my mother's father, Lee Kelton. I don't even know how she knew."

Brad broke then. He fel completely apart, sitting there at the table while we watched. Tears ran down Kel's face. He didn't swipe them away. His life was faling apart right in front of him and there was nothing any of us could do.

"Daddy?" I jumped at the sound of the voice. A little girl's voice. We al jumped. "Daddy, what's wrong?" She walked into the kitchen and climbed into his lap. She couldn't have been more than six. A second one folowed. This older one.

"I'm so sorry. The door was open… I thought my husband might have come this way and the girls just ran inside." Lisa stood in the doorway, her hands trembling as she looked at al of us gathered. It looked like a funeral. And I laughed. Like an idiot.

Panic was a strange thing. It made me do things I wouldn't normaly. Right now it took the shape of helpless hilarity even though none of this was the slightest bit funny. Kel looked at me as if I'd lost my fucking mind. I had. It was that simple. Completely and entirely.

"I saw the motorcycle outside, I thought maybe… Brad, what's going on? Who are these people?" She held the other girl in her arms, this one barely old enough to walk. They al looked remarkably like Kim at varying times in her life. And I wasn't the only one to see it. My mother gasped, her hand over her mouth. Kel's tears became gasping sobs and he ran from the room. Seth went after him but I stopped him.

"Let me. It needs to be me." I touched Seth's face gently and waited for him to nod. I folowed Kel into the family room and then out onto the deck. And finaly to the old swing behind the oak tree at the far end of the yard. He sat on the ground his head between his legs.

I sat beside him but didn't speak. There was nothing I could say. He leaned against me and I held him much like he'd done me that morning after Seth came back. He cried against me, his slim body trembling in my arms. When he was cried out, he climbed into my lap and we sat like that for a long time.

His arms around my neck. Mine around his body.

Joined. But not. He was mine. But he wasn't. He'd never been mine. "What do we do now?" he finaly said, dragging in a deep trembling breath. "I have sisters. Oh, shit, Liam, this is al messed up. They look like Kim."

"I know. And I have no idea. What do you want to do? This isn't my cal. I can't do anything but be here for you."

"She used you. But I knew that. I just didn't know she used Ken too. I hate him. I've always hated him. And this guy. I should be relieved. I guess."

"But you're not."

"No. He knew, Liam. He knew about me. And he was your best friend. He left his mess for you to clean up. How should I feel about him? Based on that I'm not thinking it's going to be anything good. I've already got one asshole father. I don't need a second one. Ah, fuck. The best damn man for the job was you, wasn't it? And I'm sleeping with you. Three messed up father figures and I'm out of my fucking mind. I've made a mess of everything. If it weren't for me, none of this would be happening."

"Is this where you wish you'd never been born?" I grabbed his chin in my hand and held his face in front of mine. "Because if it is, let me assure you, none of this is your fault. None of it. You weren't even around when this started roling. It is Sabrina's fault.

Petty, vain, beautiful Sabrina. Who used Brad in there to piss Ken off, and then used me to piss Brad off. She caused this. And Brad for not stepping up when he should have. He's your father. You can get a paternity test. But this time, baby, I have no doubt. He is the one."

"And he refused me. I don't want him now. I don't want to… I don't even want this knowledge. I wish I didn't know. At least with Ken I could hate him because he was an abusive asshole. This guy, with his perfect wife, and his three little Stepford kids. I don't want that. And what if he is Kim and Kace's father too?

Then he knew me when I was a kid and he didn't do a thing about it. He had three chances. At least three chances. You've always been here for me. Always.

And I… this isn't right, Liam. I love you. I love you so much I hurt. Just looking at you hurts."

"It's al right, Kel, it's going to be al right. We'l get through this." Maybe if I told myself that often enough I would start to believe it. Maybe I could convince Kel and Seth and my family.

"No. It's not going to be al right. Al my life I've had one parent who loved me. Just one. He looked out for me. Treated me with respect. Loved me even though he didn't have to. And Liam, you're the only father I've ever wanted and you're not… I can't keep this up. Sex with you, loving you, being with you, it's just tearing me apart. We can't have this. We shouldn't have this. It's my fault. Mine. And I'm going to end this now."

He was standing in front of me. His eyes emotionless. I didn't know how he managed to move so fast. One second he was wrapped around me. The next he was gone. I heard the motorcycle start a short blink later. I'd left the keys in it. And he was gone.

Christmas was a few days away. I hadn't done anything to prepare for it. I'd pick the kids up something. Al three of them. Moira had a newborn now. A girl. They were expecting a boy. Everything was blue. It should have been funny but it wasn't. They hadn't named her yet. She was only two days old and stil in the hospital. Probably waiting for her mother and father to find her a name before she was ready to go home. Jaundice, is what the doctors said. I hadn't seen her yet.

I hadn't heard from Kel in nearly a month. He caled Da and Mama every couple of days so I knew he was fine. But he wasn't coming home. And I didn't blame him. Everything here was a mess. One fucked up mess.

Seth worked at his lawyer job long into the night. He blamed me for letting Kel go. Like I could stop him. I stopped sleeping at his apartment. Kel's memory was al over everything there. For both of us. I suspected that was why he worked more now. So that he wouldn't have to deal with it. Or the fact that Kel was the only link between us.

I hated my apartment. And everything in it.

Over the weeks I packed it up. Sending boxes to Goodwil or to a storage unit. I emptied Kel's room of furniture and boxed his things up leaving them against the wal. I had no idea what to do with his stuff. Where to send it or take it or—I had no idea. I was left with a couch a TV and my bed. But I paid my rent and I stayed.

I met with a lawyer about how to proceed with Sabrina. My dad wanted to sue her. We discussed our options. Brad met with lawyers too. Divorce lawyers. I wanted to pity him. I pitied her, Lisa, I pitied her tremendously. She couldn't handle his lies. Eleven years of lies. His homosexuality ate at her. That she knew he slept with men while she and the kids were in the house, now that bothered me. I wouldn't stand by knowing someone I loved enough to marry was screwing around on me, but what did I know? I'd fucked my relationships up enough without benefit of marriage.

Ken and Sabrina were seeing divorce lawyers as wel as child welfare people. Someone saw Ken hit Kacey in public. Brad sued for paternity tests on al three kids. I'm not sure what he wanted to accomplish this late. Kel's information was stil on hand at the lab, and as expected Brad shared enough DNA with him to prove without a doubt. I hadn't heard about the other two kids yet. They were staying with Ken's mother during the holidays.

I turned down a job with Caden but I took the Hugo contract for January. In January, I would move on. With or without Seth.

I wondered what the kids wanted for Christmas. I lay on my bed. Fuly dressed except for shoes and I stared at the peeling ceiling. I was going to give notice after Christmas and in January I was leaving.

I didn't feel a thing anymore. Nothing.

Caden sent me the pictures from that last shoot.

The one with the three of us. I knew what he saw through the camera now. Al of the pictures of us together, every one of them. My eyes were as blue as Kel's. Nearly crystal blue. In love. I loved them both so damned much. We were in love. And now, nothing. I wasn't even numb. I was nothing. Waiting for January and a passport and then I would be gone.

My family knew. I loved them and they weren't happy but there was nothing for me here now. I would never work here again. Talahassee wasn't that big.

People knew what I'd done. My past wasn't hidden any more. It was out there. Seth's was stil his secret. And I secretly suspected that was what worried him. By associating with me he'd be tarred by the same brush.

Or if someone got curious enough that they would find us online.

Sabrina made a point of bringing my porn career up as a defense. She wasn't going to let a little thing like pending divorce and abuse charges stop her from seeking retribution. I would die before I surrendered my name to the courts. Nothing was worth that. I wasn't going to alow Seth to be ruined alongside me. It was just money. I didn't want it back. Nothing else could be gained. Kel was an adult. I had nothing to do with the other two kids. Dad was just going to have to live with that. I'd give him the money if I knew he'd take it. He just wanted to teach her a lesson. Except she was winning. She always won. Kel was right, she was evil.

"So this is how I find you. Why am I not surprised?" I hadn't heard the door open. His sweet voice seemed like an ilusion at first. As did his beautiful face. "Just lying on the bed walowing in self-pity. Why aren't you with Seth?"

"Broke up," I told the ilusion. "Seems we are no longer complete as a couple. We have other interests now. Nothing to bind us."

"Bulshit. You're both being babies. Blaming the other. It's how you work. How the two of you made it six years is beyond me." He leaned against the doorframe. He looked different. I couldn't place exactly why. His hair was puled back in a neat ponytail, he needed to shave, not badly, he looked nice with the fine blond stubble.

"Yeah, wel, that was a long time ago. Things have changed since then." I propped my head on my folded arms and watched him. He wore a blue T-shirt, with a wave cresting over his left breast. Loose jeans that clung to his hips, a woven leather choker, and a wide leather banded watch. Nothing different there. He looked at his hand, holding it up to study his nails as if he'd never seen them before. "Why do you look different?"