Beyond Complicated (32 page)

I stopped listening. "How do you know I'm not? We should test. Make sure."

"Did it. Your dad signed the consent form for a paternity test while you were in the hospital. I gave blood that first day. The doctor on duty didn't even shrug. Just sent it in. It came back last week while we were stil in New York. I wanted my birth certificate changed. I want your name off of it so I don't feel like I'm committing incest every time I kiss you. I forced Ken to go down and do the damned test. He refused, we fought. You were gone. I was angry. I said a lot of shit. But in the end, he went. I watched them take his blood. They took mine. I paid for the whole thing. It was the last of my surf catalog money. And worth every damned dime. But he's not my father and she just laughed in my face when I confronted her. She's evil."

That's when I saw it. His hands. So long, so slim, so graceful. He walked with the same gait. The same height, the same build. Hair color was different and the eyes. But not the smile. He had his smile. His lopsided smile. His face. Al this time it wasn't the love child of Brad Pitt and Sean Penn that was staring me in the eye. He didn't have the Sean Penn part. He was him and her and… "Fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck."

My stomach twisted and churned as I turned and left the room. I found Kel's keys on the kitchen counter. I didn't wait for Seth to come after me. I couldn't stop now. I had to know. I had to.

I didn't have a motorcycle license. I could ride, I'd taught Kel, I just didn't keep the license up to date.

And I didn't have a helmet. The wind in my face stung like a bitch. I drove to his house. I knew he'd live in the house he grew up in. His parents had moved away long ago. Mine always talked about them having the time of their lives out in Arizona. His mother wanted to go; Brad would have kept the house. It was his grandparents' house. It meant something to the family.

He was there. The big Suburban in the garage and the Corvette. His favorite car. Even back then. I parked on the sidewalk leading up to the door and walked up. My heart pounding in my chest, I knocked.

A pretty woman with pale blonde hair and blue eyes opened the door. She looked me up and down with a slight twinkle in her eye. "Can I help you?"

"Is Brad home?" I watched her smile fade, her face grew hard.

"Yeah, come on in, he's out in the backyard throwing the footbal around." She walked me through the house I remembered growing up. The kitchen was different. More modern. Two blonde girls around the same age as Deak and Grace sat at the table doing homework. Was school stil in? They looked at me with curiosity in their eyes… his eyes or close a damn 'nuff to his eyes.

Not Brad's. Please not Brad's. Please, anything.

"You have a visitor… honey." The blonde caled to him from the porch. He was throwing footbals into a tire hanging from ropes behind the garage. We'd strung that up in seventh grade. Probably wasn't the same rope but it was close enough.

He turned, a strange smile on his face that froze when he saw me. "Liam? Hey. What's up? Liam, this is Lisa. Lisa, this is Liam, my friend from high school. Just an old friend, honey."

She looked between us, something almost like sadness in her eyes before she spoke. "So, you were the one. Figures." She didn't wait for me to reply before she went inside and closed the door.

"So, big Liam, you missed your appointment."

He threw a bal and I caught it. It was second nature.

We'd done this a milion times. In this yard and in mine.

On the field of glory. Everywhere. He stil had power.

He could have gone on past high school. He could have played pro. But so could I. It wasn't what either of us wanted. He left to go to Alabama. I stayed at FSU. I just wanted… I don't remember what I wanted. That was a milion years ago. But he wanted to folow his father's footsteps into medicine. He had the brains for it.

Graduated second in our class, with a near five point average, honor and AP courses bulked him up, but the Valedictorian had just a tenth of a point better than him.

I threw the bal back. I had no idea what to say to him. I stepped off the porch and found my way along the path between his mother's hostas, overgrown now, to the lawn. I met him behind the garage. I couldn't stop looking at his hands. Kel's hands. His smile. The same lopsided smile. Kel's smile. Kel's nose, Kel's chin. Kel's everything. Not Ken. But Brad. Brad and Ken resembled each other, different hair color, different eye color, Brad was taler, bulkier. Smarter. Kel had her hair and her eyes, her smal frame. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to plant my fist in his face. I didn't want to kiss him.

I didn't kiss him. He kissed me. He pushed me against the garage wal. He pressed his body to mine.

His fingers twined through my hair. His tongue touched mine. He moaned into my mouth. "I knew you'd come.

Once I saw you again, I knew you wouldn't stay away."

He was hard and hot, his hands, always so fast, so talented, found their way under my shirt and inside my jeans. "Let's go in the garage. Lisa knows better than to disturb me. Want to taste you."

I growled, I couldn't stop myself. So much pain and anger and rage… it was al rage. I slammed him against the wal. Lifted him off his feet and slammed him against the wal and stood there staring into his eyes.

Breathing heavy. "Liam, what the fuck? Put me down, baby, inside. Inside you can—"

"Is that your game? You pretend to be this happily married man, but you have
friends
over to fuck while your wife and kids think you're out here doing guy things? Jesus, Brad. She knows. She fucking knows.

And she hates you. Al that shit in the hospital about never giving in to those feelings. But you do it al the time, don't you? Give into those feelings."

"Come on, baby, don't be upset, put me down and let's go in the garage and talk." He didn't fight me, he let me hold him against the wal. "God, you're strong.

I knew you would be. I bet you could hurt me, couldn't you, baby?"

"I'm not your baby." I dropped him to his feet and walked over to the tire. "And I'm not going into that garage with you."

"What's the matter? Big Liam's two boy toys turn him out? Is that why you're here? I've heard the rumors. Porn, man, I never expected that of you. You were too damned… virginal. Nearly freaked out that night. We could have done serious damage to each other that night. I'd wanted to do damage to you for so damned long but you just blushed and hid and, Jesus, I couldn't be around you without getting a boner. Had to have a freshman suck me off once just to play footbal."

"Jesus, what the hel are you saying, Brad?" My brain sizzled with memories I didn't want. Al the times we messed around in the locker room before a game.

Just horseplay, nothing out of the ordinary. Was he?

What the hel? "Which freshman? Shit, don't answer that." I paced the yard while he leaned against the wal, watching me with cold lust in his eyes. "You weren't a virgin that night, were you?" It al made sense, realy, looking back over it. He'd been too determined to wrestle on the bed. He was the one who rubbed against me. He hadn't puled away. I had. I was afraid of the look I saw in his eyes. He knew too much. And I didn't.

"No. Lost that at a family reunion when I was twelve. Not a cousin, thank god, one of the steps. He liked it dirty. I knew what I wanted. I wanted you. But you didn't figure it out. And then Sabrina got in the way.

I knew she popped your cherry. I figured I'd read you wrong."

"Are you sure it wasn't because you were pissed at me for fucking your girl? Because, Brad, you and Sabrina were messing around long before she got inside my pants. And that pissed you off. That's why you didn't speak to me senior year. Not the other way around."

"I don't know what you're talking about." But he hesitated, waiting too long to deny any of it.

"Your wife, Lisa, she resembles Sabrina. You know, a younger, classier version of her. Same body type, same fake rack, same hair, same eyes. With a brain. It's sort of scary how much she looks like her.

Her name is close to mine. Lisa, Liam, close enough. Is that it? Sabrina was the homecoming queen that year.

You were the captain of the footbal team. A junior captain instead of a senior. Because you had the talent.

You took Kenny Jones's spot the year before, caused him to drop out when he didn't have footbal anymore.

And then you took his girlfriend. Because it would look right. And you were a fag trying to keep the damned closet door closed. You took his girl and when she told you she was pregnant, you dumped her. She wasn't looking for revenge for Kenny against you, and I just happened to get in the way. She was looking for revenge against you. Just you. She knew you wanted me. So she took me first. Is that it? Is that what happened?"

"What the hel are you talking about?" he said softly, his face went white, his breath turned shalow.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"He's your son. He's yours. I didn't see it until today. Same smile, his hands, they're yours. He walks like you, he talks like you. He's got your brains. He wants to be a surgeon. Just like his daddy, except he doesn't know, he thinks Ken is his daddy."

"And you're sleeping with him. He's my son.

The closest thing I'm ever going to have to a son. You raised him as your own and now you're fucking him. I should kil you. You have the nerve to look down on me when you're openly screwing a boy you helped raise. He's my son. Is that why? Because you couldn't have me?"

I was in front of him again. I shoved him against the wal. Slammed him there a couple of times. I loved how his head snapped back the last time. "How long have you known? Tel me the truth. Did you know before she named me the father? Did you know before she came after me? Just tel me the truth. Did you know?"

He didn't speak for a long time. I dropped him and walked away. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to slam his head against the wal until it cracked open. Like a watermelon. Spiling red guts and seeds. I dropped him and I shoved my hands in my pockets and I moved away from him.

"Yes," he whispered finaly. He sat down on the ground and tucked his hands between his knees. "I knew. I thought she was lying to me. I thought it was Kenny's. I knew they were stil together, I slept with her homecoming night. And a few times after that. I wanted the reputation. But no one found out. She kept her mouth shut. She never kept her mouth shut about anything. She didn't keep her mouth shut about doing you. She bragged al over the school. You have a big damned dick and she rode it. Made me so damned angry. Hated you. Hated you for letting her use you.

Hated you because it should have been me. Should have been me. You and me. I wanted you and me. Not a kid on the way. I told her to fuck off. I wasn't going to ruin my life just because she was too stupid to—I couldn't ruin my life. I thought it was Kenny's. And then they said it was yours. And you looked like a fucking ghost walking through the hals. Hated you. He's my son. I recognized him that day in the hospital. Mine.

And I knew you were sleeping with him. My son and the only damned man I've ever wanted to keep. He's my son, Liam. Mine. It should be me and not him."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know… I walked away. If I stayed I'd kil him. He couldn't ruin his life but he had no problem with ruining mine. He knew. I walked around the house. Kicked the bike to life and drove away.

I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know how I got where I went. I stumbled into the house I grew up in. And somehow I found my dad. He looked surprised when I wrapped my arms around him. He held my weight. And patted my back. And I cried. I'd never cried on my dad's shoulder. Ever. I'd never cried on anyone's shoulder besides Kel. Maybe Seth's. But they knew me. And they wouldn't mind. This was my dad. He didn't like crying children. But he patted my back and he held me while I cried. And that made me cry more.

I'm not sure how much time passed. Not much.

I heard my mom on the phone. With Kel. "I don't know, sweetie, he's here. He's fine. He won't say.

What's going on? Oh, wel, okay. That's a shock. I know, sweetie. Sure." And she disconnected. No one spoke. If they did, I didn't hear for the sound of my life swirling around the drain in my head. It wasn't a pretty sound. And then Seth and Kel were standing in the kitchen. And then Brad was with us. Breathing hard as if he'd run the entire way from his house to mine.

"What are you doing here?" I looked past my family to the unwelcome guest. My mother looked from him to me and back to him.

"Brad Carlisle? Oh my god, look at you, how nice to see you again." She reached up to hug him as if he were a long lost child.

"Don't, Mama. Don't touch the lying bastard," I said, my voice harsh; my mother stumbled in surprise.

My dad started to protest. I didn't want them thinking he was anything other than what he was. "He's Kel's father. Not Ken and not me. Him. And he knew. The bastard knew. Before Sabrina ever set out to trap me.

He knew. He's known al this time."

Kel's face became almost tragic. I hated that he had to find out this way. I sat at the table and I sipped the beer I found in front of me and I destroyed every life standing in front of me. Because why should mine be the only life circling the drain? "Because he didn't want his life ruined. But it was fine for mine to be ruined.