Better Than Another Man (5 page)

I had to see him.

I reassured myself that my dad could make it through a weekend alone. I even asked the neighbours to pop in on him periodically while I went back to see if Carey was dealing with this any better than I was.

As I drove, I worried that maybe I was just thinking too much. What if he wasn’t even interested in any of this? What if he was back with Rafe or moved on completely and I’d read the whole situation wrong?

I hadn’t mentioned my plans to Carey. He wasn’t home when I got there. I tossed my stuff in my room and waited.

I was dozing on the couch when he came in.

“Hey, stranger!” he said happily. He set down his portfolio, rushed over, threw his arms around me, and we hugged each other. When we separated he leaned ahead then hesitated, like he planned to kiss me but wasn’t sure that it was what I wanted. I did.

I tilted my chin, angling my mouth towards his. He licked his lips and my whole body rushed. This time our kiss turned molten in a heartbeat. I couldn’t get close enough. I clutched at him, crushing our mouths together while trying to pull him down on top of me. I wanted to feel his weight on me. Which was weird but it was what I needed in that moment.

“Slow down, slow down.” Carey repeated, panting, hauling us upright to a sitting position.

“I’ve missed you.” I tried to explain myself.

“I have too, but you’re not thinking clearly. You don’t want this.”

“I don’t want to analyze it. The only thing I can think about lately is you…kissing me.”

Carey made a helpless sound in his throat and seized my lips. This kiss was different from our others. More intense, all-consuming.

He placed his hands on my shoulders, his palms molding to cup my chest muscles. It felt good, his strong fingers digging into my pecs. I mirrored the action on his back, manipulating his shoulders while enjoying the tutorial he was performing on my mouth.

Carey smoothed his palm down my chest, over my abdomen, then stroked the heel of his hand down the length of my rigid cock. I was pleased when I was able to maintain at his touch. It was something I’d worried about, that maybe if we got in a situation like this I wouldn’t be able to keep it up. I had no idea how I was going to react or how far I could go. But for now, it felt good.

I did the same to him, running my hand over his stiff dick, contouring my fingers around the shape of him through his pants. I’d never touched another man’s cock. The solid feel of him fascinated me.

Carey ended the kiss. He shifted, removing my grip from his shaft. He kept hold of my hand. Bowing his head, he exhaled heavily. “What’s going on, Bryan? This isn’t you. Not that I’m complaining because, fuck man, you know how to kiss too!” he exclaimed.

His compliment made my cock jerk. “I don’t know. I’ve no idea what’s happening. I just…” I shook my head and stood, trying to put some distance between us. “I can’t explain it. All of a sudden I need and want to be close to you. This bond that we’ve always had, it’s changed for me, in the last couple weeks.”

Carey moved into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and sat on one of the stools. He cracked open the cap and took a long drink. I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed.

“I don’t know what you want from me here, Bryan. I’m not sure I can give you what you need.” By the look on his face, I felt like there was more that he wanted to say but he didn’t elaborate.

“I don’t even know what that is!”

“I think you’re just feeling a little lost. You’re trying to figure out how to go on after the loss of a parent. It’s a life-altering thing. But not
this
life-altering. You don’t just wake up one day and want to be with men all of a sudden.” He fingered the water bottle, distractedly.

“That’s just it. I don’t want to be with other men! I just want to be with you. I mean…I don’t even know if I want that. I don’t even think that I can! I’m still straight. I still want to fuck women. But I…” I scooped my hand through my hair, wanting to pull it out in frustration. “Fuck! I hate this!”

Carey stood. The stool scraped the floor loudly as he did.

He crossed over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. “It’s gonna be okay. You’ll figure this out.”

“What would you say if I said I wanted to try? A thing, uh, a relationship. You and me,” I rushed on before I lost my nerve.

He regarded me warily and another thought occurred to me. What if he didn’t find me attractive? Jesus, I couldn’t believe I was thinking these things in relation to Carey and me.

“I…I…mean assuming you, uh, might wanna, um…with me.”

Carey laughed at my expense. “I’m loving you being so unsure of yourself for once, ya know that? Not so
cock
sure now, are ya?” He chortled at his own joke. I knocked his hands from my shoulders.

“Yeah.” I ignored the poor attempt at humour. “I’m not diggin’ it at all. I feel like I’m going nuts.” I rolled my eyes at my own poor word choice.

Carey lifted an eyebrow and chuckled again, then leaned over and gave me a light kiss on the lips. He gave a slight nod. “Yeah, well, it does feel like that.” He sobered. “But I can’t be your little experimentation, Bry. I don’t think I could take it and then go back to the way things were before. You know, afterward, when you figure out that you really don’t want this. I don’t want to fuck up what we do have just because for right now, you need a few extra hugs and cuddles.”

“It’s more than that, Goddamn it! I can’t stop thinking about you!”

“And what are you thinking about?”

I growled in aggravation.

“If you can’t even say it, you won’t be able to go through with it, either,” Carey said, watching me guardedly.

“I want to be close to you. I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. Having you…” I swallowed hard. “Having you near me. That’s as far as I can get right now!” I admitted. “I can’t promise you a fuckin’ thing, Care, and I don’t want to screw up what we have now either. But I’m not sure if I can just ignore it. I already can’t go back. Its kind of overwhelming me.”

Carey shook his head.

“I know this is crazy. Who would believe it? I’m suddenly in love with my best fuckin’ friend, who’s gay! How much more fucked up can it be?”

“What?” He stilled. Many emotions crossed his handsome face at once and I thought for a moment he might just walk away. I didn’t blame him. I couldn’t explain myself, or assure him of anything, and I might be jeopardizing the best thing we both had in our lives, our friendship.

“I said, I’m straight and suddenly I find myself in love with my gay best friend.”

“Dudes don’t say that,” he reminded me, quietly.

I shrugged. “Well, I’m breaking all the rules lately, so what’s one more.” I sighed, irritated, and confused as all fuck!

“We’ll sort this out. We’ll take it slow,” he said, his voice incredibly deep and cautious. “Okay? See where it goes.” He returned my gaze. But I saw the uncertainty in his eyes.

I realised he’d never answered my question. “Do you not…you know, like me, um, in that way?”

“You’re an idiot, ya know that?”

“Huh?”

Carey shook his head. “Yes. I like you. In that way,” he affirmed, as if he needed to speak to me slowly.

I felt a weird sense of relief. “You do?” The thought of him considering me as a potential partner had never crossed my mind before. “Since when?”

He rolled his eyes. “It’s kind of been an ongoing affliction for me.”

I had no idea.

“Come on. Let’s go out,” he said quickly, not giving me the opportunity to question him further.

“Out? Where?”

“I’ll take you on your first homo date.”

“I’m not gay.”

“Okay, let me re-word,” Carey said, with mock-impatience. “
We’re
going on our first date. You, straight as an arrow and me, your gay best friend.”

“You’re not taking me to one of those places, are you?” I asked.

Shaking his head in annoyance, he opened the apartment door.

I followed him out. “Care?”

“Yeah.”

“I think my arrow’s bent.”

He laughed in spite of himself.

* * * *

In love? Bryan said he thought he was in love with me. I’d waited forever to hear him utter those words.

I honestly hadn’t even been confident that he’d come back to pack up this stuff. It would be just like Bryan to avoid it all together. It’s why I hadn’t gone back home to visit on weekends. If this was something that Bryan truly wanted to pursue, it would have to be him that came to me.

So when I arrived home and discovered him sleeping on the couch, I felt secretly triumphant. Bryan came to me. He found whatever was going on with us overpowering, as well. He wasn’t gay, but he wanted to be with me anyway. I was more than hesitant to let this go too far. I was the one that was going to get crushed in the end. But could I deprive myself of this astonishing turn of events? Or could I accept what was being offered until it was taken away from me?

Chapter Five

Carey and I had an ordinary meal out together. We’d done it a thousand times, but in this instance, I was looking at him in a whole new light. Frequently, I found myself jerking my hand back from taking his or touching him across the table. I knew that he was amused. But this was all new to me. I wasn’t sure of myself or him. Or how our friends might react to seeing us this way. Not that I’d care what they thought. I was proud of Carey.

Our interaction with each other seemed different, too. At moments we were just our typical selves, and other times it was almost flirty and teasing. The customary insulting yet playful banter took on a whole new sexual connotation.

But on the ride home, the reality of the situation sank in and I realised what might happen when we got there. I was eager yet anxious. I still felt that excited simmer in my stomach, the sensation that you get when you know it’s a sure thing and you’re going to have sex at the end of your evening. But I didn’t know how far I could go. Was it enough that I was eager for the attempt?

We entered the apartment and I felt more than uncomfortable.

“So? Your room or mine?” Carey asked, out of the blue.

I stared at him.

He grinned, taking me by the shoulder, obviously sensing my uneasiness. “Relax,” he advised. “Taking it slow. Right?”

I released a nervous laugh. “Right.”

“Want to watch a movie? Wanna call it a night and we’ll each go to our own rooms? We could talk some more. Or you could hightail it back to your dad’s, which is your usual M. O.”

I ignored his dig about me running away instead of dealing with my problems. “I liked the my room or yours idea.” He gaped at me, in surprise, I guessed.

“We could lie in bed and watch TV or whatever,” I suggested. That was something we’d done before.

“Sounds good.” He smiled slightly.

We took turns in the bathroom and met up in Carey’s room. Each of us had opted for no shirt and a pair of sweat pants. He piled up the pillows at the head of the bed and we reclined against them while watching some rerun that neither one of us seemed interested in. My body was in a steady thrum of anticipation. I knew that with the slightest provocation, the sexual charge that was building between us would combust in a second.

I lay there stiffly beside him, anxious and uncertain. Carey reached over and took my hand, just holding it at first. I turned my wrist so that we were palm to palm and I interlaced our fingers. He smoothed his thumb back and forth over mine softly. I shifted closer so that our legs were touching from hip to calf. I’d never experienced this kind indecisiveness when trying to get close to a chick. Not even when I first started dating—I knew what to do. I went on instinct. By feel. If it felt good I did it. Never steered me wrong. But Carey wasn’t a girl. And this was not what I usually went for. He was the one with the experience here and I was at a disadvantage, in more ways than one. It was weird, because I’d always felt like he kind of looked up to me.

“This is awkward as fuck!” I said.

“Don’t let it be, Bry. If there’s anyone in the world that you don’t have to feel that way with, it’s me. You can let your guard down. Just be yourself. We’ve never been uneasy with one another before. I’ve seen you at your worst and your best, I won’t judge and vice versa. Right? I won’t laugh at your knobby knees or that flabby ass you’re developing now that you don’t work out everyday…”

“Flabby ass?” I interrupted, thinking he was serious until I noticed the shit-eating grin.

“Whatever goes on is between you and me. It won’t go any further if you don’t want it to. You know that. And even if this doesn’t work out or whatever, I’m still going to be here for you. Just like I know you will for me.” He turned onto his side towards me, sliding down the bed a bit. I followed his action.

Was he just saying that, or did he believe it? Earlier he’d been putting on the brakes for that very reason.

Carey looked into my eyes. “I love you, Bryan.” His gaze was so soft and full of emotion. The back of my neck heated, right up to the tips of my ears. He placed his palm on my cheek and brushed the stubble there with his thumb. My cock twinged at his words and his touch.

“I love you, too, Care,” I responded. It was weird. We’d said the words before, but now it meant so much more.

He kissed me, softly at first, but as I grew more comfortable and aroused, I responded, applying more pressure. Taking my cue, he got a little rougher with his touch and his lips. I liked it.

Carey slid his hand up my side, and goose bumps erupted over my skin. He rubbed my shoulder—his grip was so strong, almost painful, but felt good at the same time.

I smoothed my hand from his hip, up over his ribs, until I reached his pecs. I dug my fingers into the thick muscle there and was rewarded, not only with a groan from Carey, but he flexed, displaying the strength behind it. I enjoyed the firmness under his skin, the solidity unyielding, so different from the softness I was used to.

Carey left my mouth, kissing my chin and continuing down my neck. Pausing at my collarbone, he ran his tongue along the ridge before sucking softly at the base of my neck, where my pulse beat rapidly. Coaxing me onto my back, he continued to kiss down my body.