Better Than Another Man (4 page)

By the time I’d finished with the vacuuming and the bathroom, Carey had made some progress in the kitchen and he’d also cooked up something that smelled incredible.

“Wow, that smells fantastic, what is it?” I leaned over the pot and lifted the lid.

“Sorry, there wasn’t much here, its a real mixture, kind of a vegetarian chili.”

“I’m starving. Is it ready?”

“Yeah, whenever you are.”

I pulled out a couple of bowls and served us each some, then we sat down and just talked while we ate. We conversed more in that first few minutes than we had in days. It felt good, normal, even in this shitty situation.

We cleaned up the couple of dishes we’d dirtied and Carey headed for the door.

“So, keep me in touch and I’ll talk to you in the morning,” Carey said. My mood sank.

“Where are you going?”

“Well, I thought I’d go see my mom, sleep in my own bed.”

“Oh. Okay. G’night.” I could understand that. He should see his mom as often as he could. I wished I had. He waved with one hand and closed the door with the other. I looked around the empty house and wondered if this is what it was like for my dad. Silence.

“Hey, why don’t you come along?” Carey pulled open the screen door. “We’ll stop by and see my mom. I’m sure my dad won’t want me to stay there anyway. Then we’ll go over to the hospital, see if your pops is awake, and then we’ll come back here.”

I felt such relief. I really didn’t want to stay here alone. “Ya think your mom will have cookies made?” I asked, grabbing my coat.

“Nah, I doubt it, she wasn’t expecting us. I’ll drive,” he said, moving to the driver’s side.

What an awful night. The visit with Carey’s mom was awful. She talked about my mom the whole time. She cried and brought up stories about when Carey and I were kids. It was a real downer. And no fuckin’ cookies. I didn’t know about Carey, but I left there feeling worse than when I went in.

“Just go back to my parent’s house, Care,” I said to him, as we got into the car. “I just want to go home. My dad’s in the best place he can be and visiting hours are pretty much over anyway,” I said, resting my head back against the passenger’s seat as the events of the day crashed in on me and left me exhausted.

Carey wrapped his hand around my knee. “I’m sorry about that. I guess no one is dealing well with any of this. I never should have taken you there.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s just been a shitty day all the way around,” I answered, laying my hand over his.

As soon as we entered my dad’s I started up the stairs. “I’m going to bed. I’m trashed.”

“I’ll just finish up some stuff down here and I’ll head up too.”

“Thanks, Care.”

“No prob. Good night, Bry.”

I fell asleep quickly, but I didn’t stay that way and I couldn’t seem to force myself back. I got up and went into my parent’s room. It really was a freakin’ disaster.

I began picking up my mom’s stuff and folding it neatly, hanging some of the more fancy stuff.

I sat down at my mom’s vanity mirror where she used to sit and brush her hair. I opened her jewelry box, picking up this and that, remembering.

And then it hit me, like a ton of bricks, right to the chest. She really wasn’t here. I’d never see her again. It was easier when I was at school, because I could pretend that she was home with my dad where she was supposed to be. But being here, I couldn’t avoid it. Before long, I was sitting on the edge of their bed sobbing like a fuckin’ baby.

“Hey,” Carey’s sleep-deepened voice cut through my misery.

The bed dipped as he sat down next to me, his arm and thigh touching mine. He put his arm around me and held on while I let it all out. I laid my head on his shoulder.

“I just can’t believe she’s gone. I wasn’t here when she died. I didn’t even get to say good-bye. And I abandoned my dad too. I’m a terrible son. And when did I turn into such a fuckin’ pussy? I played a whole Goddamn game with a broken collar bone and I didn’t shed a fuckin’ tear.”

“Yeah, but you bitched and complained about it for a solid month.”

“Fuck you!”

He chuckled as he ran his fingers through my hair. It was soothing. I was exhausted and ready to sleep again.

Carey moved out from under me. “Come up here.” He lay down on his back in my parent’s bed and patted his chest. I didn’t even allow myself to think of the other night. I just got in with my buddy. We’d slept in the same bed before. It wasn’t weird. I wouldn’t let it be.

“Keep your hands to yourself,” he said, with a small smile. I thumped my head heavily against his chest, hard enough that he grunted.

“I think I can control myself.”

“That’s good, most guys can’t,” he boasted, smoothing his fingers back into my hair. I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat.

“Like Rafe?”

“Shut up and go to sleep,” he ordered and I obeyed.

What was that saying about good intentions? I wouldn’t let it be weird? But I woke up with a raging fucking hard-on tucked into Carey’s hip, my leg thrown over him. And by the feel of him against my inner thigh, he was in the same condition. I didn’t dare move. I listened to his breathing and was convinced that he was asleep. It was too even and deep for him to be awake, unlike my erratic respirations.

I slowly looked up at him. He didn’t move, and his eyes remained closed. I allowed myself to observe him, maybe even determine what had me so suddenly and completely worked up about him.

Carey was an attractive guy. His long lashes lay against his cheek in sleep. The ladies loved how they framed his deep blues and if I was being honest, they worked for me, too. Especially, recently, when he stared at me as if he were trying to figure me out, his gaze all vivid and piercing, confused but hungry.

Why was I feeling these things? I was losing my mind.

I fought the urge to touch his mouth. My own tingled as I remembered what it felt like to kiss him. My skin heated as my thoughts shifted to the hard body under mine. If possible my cock hardened even more, making me ache. I longed to rock my hips against him and alleviate some of the painful desire. The need to move was almost too much for me to bear. I clenched my butt muscles instead, the action forcing my hips forward and my throbbing erection completely against Carey’s thigh. I stifled a groan.

Carey opened his eyes, slowly, sleepily. “Hey,” he whispered. He shifted, seemingly unashamed by his own arousal. His hand closed over my ass, pulling me more snuggly against him. “Mmm. Did you sleep okay?” he asked, closing his eyes again. “I don’t know about you, but I’m still wiped. What time is it?”

I watched his lips move, fascinated by the meaty flesh. I rolled off of him and looked at the clock on the bedside table. “It’s only seven. Go back to sleep, Care, I’m gonna shower and do some more cleaning up. I’ll wake you in a while and we’ll go visit my dad?”

“Ahh, my hero.” He rolled over and almost immediately he was snoring again.

After showering, I made sure the kitchen was spotless—even my mom would have been proud. She’d never believe that Carey and I had done it, though.

I made coffee and toast and woke Carey. After he ate we visited my father. Dad was awake but still pretty confused. The nurses assured us that even just being dehydrated could cause that. He talked about my mom in the present tense. When the psychologist showed up, Carey and I left.

“How about we hit the grocery store and we’ll stock up for your old man, for when he comes home,” Carey suggested.

“Good idea. Besides, there’s nothing there for us either.”

During the afternoon, I went back to the hospital while Carey visited his mom.

We met back up for supper and spent the night watching movies.

I decided then that it would be best if I stayed at home, at least until my dad was doing better. It wasn’t like school mattered now anyway. Maybe I’d go over to the factory and apply for a job while I was here.

I told Carey of my plans the next day, while he packed up his stuff to go back.

“Bryan, you can still pull off some marks, if you crack down and do the work.”

“But it still won’t be enough. What’s the use? It just doesn’t feel important right now, Care. I should be here. My dad needs me.”

I helped him carry his gear downstairs.

“Will you keep me in the loop?”

“Of course.”

“You’re a good son, Bryan, don’t ever doubt it.”

“Thanks. Maybe a little too late to save him from this mess, though.”

“It’s never too late.”

“You know, I no longer agree with that saying. Sometimes it is. You should spend every second you can with your mom, Care, and try to mend things with your dad. You always think you have time. You don’t.”

“I’m not the one that broke things with my dad. It’s his choice.” Carey put his bag down and turned to face me at the door. I placed his other pack at his feet.

“I’m sorry he’s like that. But you’re the bigger man.”

“It is what it is.” He shrugged his broad shoulders. “I haven’t done anything wrong. I just can’t make him understand that. And sometimes it’s best to distance yourself from negative things. That’s something
I’ve
learned.”

We stood there awkwardly, both of us stuffing our hands into our pockets, nervously. “Thanks for coming, Care. You don’t know how relieved I was to see you here when I got back the other night.”

“I’ll always be here for you, Bryan. You know that. Do you think you’ll come back to school at all?”

“We’ll see how things go here. If nothing else I’ll have to go pack up my junk to move home.”

Carey inhaled deeply and I think we both realised that this might be the beginning of us moving in different directions in our lives. We were going to have to be apart. He was going to Chicago and it looked more and more like I was staying here. This would be the first time since we were four that we’d been separated for any length of time. It was another loss I wasn’t equipped to deal with right now.

Carey wrapped one of his big hands around the back of my neck, his deep blue eyes searching mine. “And so it begins, huh? What
are
we gonna do without each other?”

I felt myself moving as if in a dream. My gaze fixated on his lips. I wanted to taste them again. I placed my hands on either side of his face as if I was afraid he might pull away, but somehow knowing that he wouldn’t. I gave into what I’d wanted to do since this morning and I kissed him.

Carey didn’t even tense this time but moved into my kiss, his lips firm and warm. He looped his arms around my back and pulled me closer. It felt good. It felt right. But so wrong at the same time. What the fuck was I doing? My cock was rock hard in an instant. I was so aroused and taken aback at the same time.

I was out of my element here. When Carey ran his tongue over the seam of my closed lips I opened for him and accepted his tongue, sliding my own tentatively against his.

He dropped his hips, bringing his equally hard dick in contact with mine, rubbing our parts together expertly, increasing the exquisite awakening in me.

I moaned with a combination of need and helplessness. Part of me wanted to go further and the other half didn’t and as always, my best friend knew what I could handle.

Carey brought the kiss slowly to an end and he held me as we both struggled to breathe.

I didn’t know what to say or do. I had no idea what was going on with me, other than I needed him.

Carey ran his thumb over my lower lip, drying it. “You’re not gay. I know.”

I laughed, relieved in a way, disappointed in another. “I don’t know what’s happening.”

“I’m not really sure either.” He raked his bottom lip with his teeth.

“But holy fuck, man, can you kiss!” I blurted, running my thumb over his mouth where his teeth had just been.

He laughed and backed away, dropping his arms to his side.

Carey picked up his bags. “You’re not so bad yourself. I’ll call you.”

I watched as he loaded the car and drove away. I shut the door, leaning back heavily against it while palming my cock. I licked my lips where I could still taste him. What the fuck?

* * * *

Driving back to school was just a blur. I couldn’t concentrate with the intense boner sidetracking my concentration, my mouth still tingling from Bryan’s earth shattering kiss.

I couldn’t believe this was actually happening. Bryan and me? Was it really happening? And should I let it, knowing how it would turn out in the end?

I wasn’t certain I had a choice. My body was in an uproar.
That
I could control, but my heart was another matter entirely.

Chapter Four

The next few weeks went by quickly as I forced my father to participate in life again. It was a battle and sometimes I just wanted to throw in the towel and return—not to school, but to Carey—except there was no one else to look after my dad. Only me. For once, I had to finish what I started. And slowly my father came around, with the help of a therapist and some medication. He began to take care of himself and was even able to return to work, which did him a world of good. It occupied his mind and gave him some purpose again.

And when my dad was back on the right path, it was my turn to figure out where the hell I was supposed to be. Not just what was I going to do with the rest of my life, but what about Carey? I thought about him plenty while we were apart. We’d kept in touch through text and I talked to him most nights either by phone or Skype. And every time we chatted or he even just crossed my mind, my stomach leapt with excitement. The kind of response you feel when you have someone new in your life. A person that you wanted to get know better. But I knew all there was to know. The thing was, I longed to know him in a whole new way.

On the other hand, I didn’t. That wasn’t accurate either. I couldn’t. I liked being in his arms, and holding him. I really fuckin’ liked kissing him—it was something I never expected. But when I went any further than that in my imagination, I shuddered. Physically. I was attracted to women. I couldn’t imagine myself sucking another guy’s penis. And I wouldn’t even allow myself to think about Carey’s. The thought of having another guy’s dick penetrating my ass just made me pace the room like a caged animal. No! It was not my thing. I imagined sliding my cock into a nice warm wet welcoming pussy and I had the response I was used to, but the thought of bending over another man and…
no!
I wasn’t gay, and I couldn’t make myself be or pretend to be, just to be with Carey. Or could I? Could he teach me to like it? I was so fuckin’ confused.