Bent not Broken (51 page)

“Katie,” I choked out. Did I want to be with Nicholas? No. But I had no other place to go. After I’d left Dallas, my mom and I had never been the same, and there was no way I was going back to Colorado Springs. I hadn’t talked to my dad since I’d first left, and the last I’d heard, the Montgomerys were still there. “You know I can’t do that.”

“There’s no reason for you to stay with Nicholas. Look,” she said, shifting to the edge of the chair and inclining her head toward me, “Shane and I want you to come and stay with us...for as long as you need.” She had fire behind her eyes. “You have to get away from that asshole. I’m not going to stand by and watch him tear you down any further.”

“You know I appreciate it, but I chose this life a long time ago,” I said.
What’s done is done.

“It doesn’t have to be that way. Just let me take care of you, please?” I knew she just wanted me to be happy, but what she didn’t understand was that I would be unhappy wherever I was, with or without Nicholas, and it was just easier to stay. My heart was already dead, so no more damage could be done.

Sighing, I finished my last sip of coffee and hurried to the door, hoping for a way to escape the conversation.

Katie was right behind me. She grabbed my arm, spinning me around. “I’m serious, Melanie. We’re going to talk about this.”

“Can we just go? Please? We’ve talked about this before, and you need to just drop it, okay?”

Pleading, she took my hand, squeezing it, “Shane and I love you. You don’t have to spend your life like this.”

“I know you do, Katie. I love you too.” I bit my lip where it trembled, refusing to shed the tears gathering in my eyes. “But it doesn’t change anything.”

Sadness clouded her face. “Melanie—”

I cut her off. “Listen, I’m going to head home.” The memories were starting to creep in after our talk, and I knew I’d hit my breaking point soon.

“Okay.” She stepped to me, wrapping me in her arms. She hugged me closer and whispered against my ear. “But I won’t give up on you.”

****

Wearing old jeans and a thin white T-shirt, I headed out the back door. The weather was still warm and it drew me outside. I moved across the vast lawn to the hedge lining the back of the yard and the flowerbed running along it. Resting on my knees, I began to pull the weeds that had sprouted up between the flowering plants. My hands worked while my mind went back to him, to his beautiful face, to hazel eyes I could never forget. It was as if they watched me across the distance separating us. They both haunted me and comforted me at the same time.

“Daniel, I miss you.”

I prayed he could somehow feel me. I wondered if he knew how often I thought of him. I could only imagine that he had another family by now.

Family.

I grasped the weed in my hand as if it were an anchor. If I held on tight enough, maybe I could feel that joy for a moment, the anticipation we’d had for our little family. I took in measured breaths, willing the hurt away, only allowing myself to feel the love I had for her. I’d never even held her, but I
knew
her. I could see the amazing little girl she’d be right now, her brown hair flying around her face, hazel eyes blazing as she played in the back yard.

My thoughts swirled around her for the longest time before they drifted to Patrick and Julia. They had been like parents to me, and I’d loved them like they were. I would never forget all that they had done, the support they’d given. I knew they had felt the same way about me.

And Erin. Tears streamed down my face as I thought of the one person who had been both my best friend and the sister I’d never had. She’d always been there for me, standing by me during the most uncertain times of my young life. I’d known why Daniel no longer wanted me. What I couldn’t understand was why she’d abandoned me too.

The phone ringing inside brought me back. I didn’t know how long I’d been out here, but my hands were covered in mud and I’d nearly cleared out the flowerbed. Wiping my hands on my pants, I jogged inside and grabbed the phone on the fourth ring. “Hello?” I said, panting.

“Melanie? Honey, are you okay?”

“Mom?” It took me a second to wrap my head around the fact she was on the line. “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just outside and ran in.”

I couldn’t believe she was calling. We hadn’t talked since I’d made a quick, obligatory happy birthday call to her five months before.

“How are you and Mark?” I asked.

After I’d left for Chicago, things had never been the same between Mom and me. I still loved her, of course, but I harbored a lot of resentment toward her. I was angry with her for putting so much blame on Daniel, but in the end, she’d been right. He’d left me for someone else when things got rough. Beyond that, I guess I felt even more betrayed by how taken she seemed to be with Nicholas. But how was that her fault? I was the one who’d chosen this life.

I wasn’t the only one, though. She’d been holding back, too. Maybe she’d just been too disappointed in me and couldn’t look at me the same. I didn’t have all the answers, but what I did know was my relationship with my mom never recovered after that summer.

“I’m pretty good.” She sounded off. “How have you been?”

“Um, well, you know, same old Melanie.” I couldn’t bring myself to lie to her about being happy. It was just too obvious I wasn’t.

She didn’t say anything.

“Mom, what’s going on?” As distant as we were, the thought of something being wrong with her sent a wave of terror through me.

“Nothing’s wrong, Melanie. I just miss you. I mean, I miss
you
, the girl I used to know.” I could hear the sadness in her voice and was certain she was crying. We hadn’t talked like this once in the last nine years, and I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it.

“Mom...that girl doesn’t exist anymore.”

An audible sob came through the line. I sagged against the wall for support. This was not where I’d expected this conversation to go.

“Melanie, sweetheart, I need to come and see you. Will you let me?”

It was clear how far we’d allowed ourselves to drift from each other when it was obvious neither of us wanted it that way. It was as much my fault as it was hers. She was just taking the first step to make it right.

She’d dropped by overnight a couple of times when she and Mark were passing through over the years, but I’d never gone to visit her once. I knew this trip would be different.

“Yeah, Mom. I think I’d like that. When?” The emotion was thick in my words, and I hoped she knew just how much I wanted to see her. I missed her so much, but I’d allowed all of the other hurt I had to cloud that.

“I was thinking I could come out the week of Thanksgiving and stay during the holiday? Only if it’s not too much trouble. I don’t want to impose on you and Nicholas.”

I was a little disappointed it would still be eight weeks before I could see her, another confirmation of just how much I needed her.

“No, Mom, I really do want you here. Please...come.” It was more than an invitation for a simple visit.

She sniffled, though I could sense her relief. “Okay...I’ll be there.”

It was time to make right this one thing that had been wronged so long ago.

Chapter Four

“Daniel, it’s too late.”

I wouldn’t listen, refused to accept his words. Instead, I pled, “No. Please. Save her. You have to save her.”

Hands restrained me, but my body pushed forward, desperate.

“No!” If I said it enough, I could make it true.

She couldn’t be gone. I just saw her.

“God, no. Please!”

Why weren’t they fighting for her? Why were they all standing here, doing nothing?

I had to get past him, to go to her, to protect her.

“It’s too late,” he said the words again, his arms tightening around me as he abandoned his efforts to restrain me in an attempt to comfort me.

His words crushed me as reality brought me to my knees, images of the perfect face I barely knew flashing through my mind, cutting my soul in two.

Panic burned through my body and sweat broke out across my flesh.

The alarm blared, shocking my mind back into the present, bringing me to a consciousness I didn’t want to face. I squeezed my eyes, willing them shut a moment longer, unable to tell what was worse—reliving the nightmare every night or waking to the life I didn’t want to live.

My stomach rolled, recoiling with the acids burning in my throat. I barely made it to the bathroom before my body rid itself of the ache the only way it knew how, as if the act would somehow give my body peace.

If only it were that simple.

The heaves finally subsided, and I sank the rest of the way to the floor, trying to catch my breath and slow my breathing.

“Fuck.”

Pulling myself off the floor, I held onto the sink for support. I turned on the water, splashed it on my face, and washed the strain away.

Every morning, just the same. Tuesday would prove to be no different.

I showered and dressed, dreading this dinner thing. Feeling desperate, I even considered asking Mom, but figured it would not be cute to bring my mother. I was sure it ran more along the lines of pathetic.

I walked to the front door, bent over to pick up my bag, and reached for my keys on the entryway table. I paused, looking at the photo atop it, the one of me with my arms wrapped around Melanie. We were both smiling, just moments after I’d walked across the stage for my high school diploma, back when we believed nothing could tear us apart.

God, I missed her.

****

I arrived at the office just before eight, trying to ignore the steady increase of pressure in my head. I had so much to do. I couldn’t believe the amount of stress one building could cause.

“Good morning, Lisa.”

“Good morning, Dr. Montgomery.” Her smile was warm.

“Any messages for me this morning?”

“Um...there are a couple here from the answering service.” She searched through the stacks of papers on her desk, digging out the small pile of notes and handing them to me. I tipped her a small nod in thanks and walked into my office.

Sinking into my desk, I checked my appointments for the day before thumbing through the messages. The first two were from the bank.

The last was from Vanessa.

“Shit,” I mumbled under my breath.

That girl had been hounding me for months. I really screwed that one up. I should have known better, but she’d completely caught me off guard.

She was a drug rep from one of the larger pharmaceutical companies, and it was clear she wanted to get her foot in the door. I met her the first week we’d arrived in Chicago. A mixer had been set up to get the word out about the new practice, generating interest and referrals right away.

I knew it the first time I saw her. She was just the same as the rest, looking for an easy way to get ahead and using whatever means she thought would get her what she wanted. She’d sought me out, knowing exactly who I was and what I could do for her. My first instinct was to run. But she was relentless, and I’d had too much to drink.

Nine years before, I’d learned it best to stay away, but there were times when I became weak, tired—tired of being alone—and I’d relent to the small voice in my head that insisted it was okay. Just like last night. Never once had I not regretted it.

The first time had been the worst. Stephanie had been my study partner in college. I’d really believed she was my friend. I’d been naive and allowed her to use my pain as a means to get close to me.

It only happened once, and it was the last time I ever saw Stephanie. I’d been so angry that she’d taken advantage of my vulnerability, angry with myself for being so weak. Later I realized that I’d wanted to believe somebody else could make me feel the same way Melanie had, the complete ecstasy we felt when we were one. But that feeling could not be replicated. Melanie’s body fit mine as if we’d been carved from the same stone, each made for the other.

She could not be replaced.

Knowing that, you’d think I’d be stronger, that I’d run from the regret I’d have after waking up next to a girl I knew I could never love or even care for.

But sometimes experiencing that regret was better than falling asleep alone.

With Vanessa, though, it was different. It hadn’t been about two people giving into their bodies, succumbing to the physical. It was about someone exploiting another’s weakness.

She was a predator, and now the bitch thought I owed her something.

“Shit.” I threw her message down, knowing I couldn’t avoid her any longer.

To top it all off, I had to find a date for dinner Thursday.

I picked up the phone and dialed her number. I knew all she wanted from me was free reign to push her product in my office, as if fucking me somehow had earned her that right, and it pissed me off. But I accepted it as my fault; I knew better than to sleep with a rep.

I prayed it’d go to voicemail, but she picked up on the second ring. “Good morning, this is Vanessa.” Always the professional; it reminded me of the sex, all just part of the job.

“Yeah, Vanessa, it’s Daniel Montgomery...returning your call.” I didn’t even know what to say. The whole situation made me uncomfortable.

“Daniel...I’ve been trying to get in touch with you.” Her voice was low and laced with irritation.

What the hell was I supposed to tell her, that I didn’t want to talk to her and had been avoiding her?

“Uh, well, sorry. I’ve been busy,” I said as if I couldn’t have spared five minutes sometime in the last three months to return her call.

“I really need to meet with you.”

Was I seriously agreeing to this?

“Uh, sure, Vanessa. I have some free time during lunch on Thursday. Can we get together then?” She started to say something, so I cut her off before I lost the nerve. “Listen, I need a favor.” I couldn’t believe I was about to do this. I raked my hand through my hair, hoping the gesture would give me some kind of courage to see this through. “I have a meeting Thursday night and I need to take somebody. Are you free that night?”