Bent not Broken (46 page)

“That’s not true. I went out with you the other night.”

“Because I had to drag you out of your self imposed prison. Tell me, what does Crystal say about this? Does she agree with the fact that you have no life? I mean, I’m sure she wouldn’t like that. There has to be a healthy balance, babe.”

“Well, I’ll get there. But never mind about that. What am I supposed to do with the daddy issue?”

“Go on a date,” she states. “Meet other men. Give other men a chance. Cathy, I know that Charles’ friend Hayes, the hot stockbroker, asked you out more than once, but you’ve shot him down every single time. He was really taken with you, you know?”

Groaning, I close my eyes. “Don’t even go there. That was the most uncomfortable thing ever. I’m thirty-three years old, and I have a daughter. I don’t have the luxury to date around just for fun.”

“How would you know? You won’t let anyone in; you won’t go on any dates…you are still pining after a man who has already moved on. I mean, Cathy, you saw the engagement announcement in the newspaper.”

I feel like the air has been knocked out of my lungs. “I know,” I whisper as a mixture of pain and jealousy surge over me aggressively like an avalanche.

“Ben has moved on, honey, and Arsen was in Europe the last time I heard. I think it’s time you did the same. Nadia is a precious little thing, and you’re a gorgeous woman. Let someone take care of you, love you. Let yourself love someone else, babe.”

“But I have Nadia,” I argue. Holding onto the past is a losing battle, but I don’t know that I’m ready to move on, yet I must. For Nadia.

And for myself.

“It’s not the same, babe, and you know it.”

“Okay,” I say, defeated.

“Okay what?”

“You’re right. It’s time for me to let go. Y-you can give Hayes a call, but I’m going to be honest with him, Amy, so don’t get your hopes up.”

I hear her groaning into the phone. “What are you going to tell him, you nut?”

“That I still love another man.”

“What? Why would you do such a thing?” she exclaims.

“Well, maybe he’d like to be my friend. I think that’s all I’m ready for anyway.”

Sometimes it gets lonely, sometimes a lot. Sometimes when I see couples walking and holding hands, I remember what I had. Sometimes I wish, and wish, and wish with all my heart to have it all back again, but I know all the wishing in the world won’t bring him back. So I remain quiet, never complain when it gets tough, never cry because I’m alone, and never blame anyone else but me.

Hanging up, I walk to the bathroom. It’s not until I’m standing in front of the sink that I look at myself in the mirror. Reflected in it, there’s a woman with vacant eyes sparkling with unshed tears.

I know that I must move on. Arsen is back to dating heiresses, and Ben is going to be married to Kerry soon. I need to let him go, let go of our memories together, of the past.

I have to move on.

Nadia deserves a family.

I wipe my tears away, hoping that I’m not making the biggest mistake by letting another man in my life because even after four years of thinking about them, it still hurts.

Especially for Ben.

****

I’m applying the last coat of lip-gloss on my lips when I hear a knock on my door. Instantly feeling a knot in my stomach, I take a deep breath. I can do this. I can. I put the lip-gloss away and move to open the door.

With my hand hovering over the handle, I take a deep breath as I try to calm my nerves. I don’t even know why I’m so nervous. It’s just a date.

When I open the door, I see a man I have met only once before and his handsomeness can still take my breath away. I don’t think men should be allowed to be this handsome. It’s not fair. The black haired man with the silver eyes smiles kindly at me as he takes in my appearance, seemingly pleased with what he sees. When I feel myself blush, I break the uncomfortable silence first.

“Hi, Hayes. Would you like to come in for a drink, or should we go?” I ask.

“Hello, Cathy. May I first say how beautiful you look tonight? My memory does you injustice because I don’t remember you being this breathtaking.” His eyes twinkle as he speaks.

“Um, thank you.” Blushing, I think that maybe this was a great mistake. His comment makes me very uncomfortable. I’m so not ready for this. I’m about to go get my coat, escaping away from him, when Hayes speaks.

“I’m sorry. Too much, too soon?” He smiles ruefully, an apology written all over his face.

“Um, uh…” Sighing, I decide to be totally upfront with him. “Yes. I’m sorry, Hayes. I-I thought I was clear that this was more of a friendly thing. Um, if you’d like to leave, I’ll understand. I’m so sorry.”

“Yes, you were very clear, and no, I wouldn’t like to leave. It’s my fault, and it won’t happen again. It’s just…” Hayes looks at me warmly, “Never mind, Cathy. Would you like to go? We can have drinks at the restaurant bar?”

“Sure.” I’m relieved that he understands my position, so I begin to relax and let myself enjoy the night with a handsome man.

Two bottles of wine later and a dinner that flew by quickly, I’m standing outside my apartment door ready to say goodnight. The air surrounding us this time is more relaxed, the tension is gone. As I stare into the face of the man that made me laugh with anecdotes from his past relationships, his work, and just life, I think that I like him. I’d like to keep in touch with him, and maybe become real friends.

“Hayes, let’s try this one more time. Would you like to come in for a drink?” I say with laughter in my voice.

Hayes wavers for a second. “I would love to, Cathy. But I don’t think I should.”

I’m taken aback by his answer. “Why not?” I ask. Should I be hurt? I mean, it’s not like I want the guy to be attracted to me, but I most certainly didn’t expect that answer.

“Thing is,” he scratches the back of his neck, “I like you, Cathy. I really do. And it’s not like I’ve been pining for you after all this time, but after tonight I think I could possibly grow to like you a lot. However, you’re not ready.”

Hayes takes a step closer to me, making me want to take a step back. The proximity of his body isn’t welcome, not yet. He takes my hand in his and raises it to his lips, planting a kiss in my palm. “When you said that you weren’t ready, I didn’t believe you. Not completely. But after tonight, I think you’re right. You’re not ready. I wish you were because I feel this connection to you, and it’s such a shame. So If I go inside your apartment, I might not be able to hold myself back and do something very stupid that I will regret later on.”

“Oh.” I’m stunned with his honesty and the meaning of his words.

“Can I ask you something very personal?”

“Yes.”

“Well, it’s not really a question. It’s more a piece of advice. You’re obviously still very much in love with your ex-husband. Fight for him.”

I feel like cold water is being poured down on me.

“Um, what? I told you what happened. W-what makes you think...No. I couldn’t. He hates me.”

“I don’t know, Cathy. If I were him, even after everything that transpired between you two…”

“No, no. I can’t. It’s been four years, and he’s getting married. I’m not going to spoil things for him. I can’t.”

Tilting his head to the side and smiling apologetically at me, Hayes remains quiet for what seems an eternity. “Okay. I will let it go. Anyway, it’s been a pleasure, but it’s getting late and I must go.”

“Wait. W-will I see you again?”

“Whenever you want. I’m a call away.”

“Even if I just need to talk to you. You know, as a friend?”

“Especially as a friend,” he whispers in my ear.

After saying goodbye, I shut the door behind him and call my dad.

“Hello. That was a quick date.” There’s curiosity in his voice.

“Yes. It was a friendly date, Dad.”

“Pft. No man ever goes on a friendly date.”

“Well, trust me on that one, Dad. Do you want to hear something funny and pretty sad?”

“Yes.”

“He told me he didn’t want to come in for a drink because I’m obviously still hung up on my ex. It’s official. I’m pathetic.”

“Oh, baby girl.”

“It’s okay. I knew I wasn’t ready, but at least that’s out of the way.”

“But you still need to—”

“I know, but not yet. I will when I’m ready.”

My dad laughs into the phone. “Let’s just hope it’s not when you’re sixty, okay dear?”

“Ha ha ha, very funny. How’s Nadia? Was she a monster?”

“Sleeping like an angel.” My dad chuckles when he mentions the word angel.

We talk some more about my date and what Nadia had for dinner, then hang up.

Lying alone in my bed as I stare at the ceiling covered in the shadows of the night, my mind rehashes tonight’s events. How sweet Hayes turned out to be, how much fun it was to talk to him, and how much I like him, but how quiet my heart remained throughout the entire night. Not once did it skip a beat. Not once did butterflies attack my stomach. It was as pleasant and sweet as vanilla ice cream.

How I wish he could be my chocolate. Really. But in a way I’m relieved that nothing came of it because as crazy as it sounds, I don’t want to forget Ben. I don’t.

Suddenly feeling very cold, I pull the blanket up to my chin and turn to lie on my side. With sleep eluding me, I keep thinking about Hayes’ advice. To fight for Ben. For a short second, I wish I could.

I wish it with all my heart because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully let go of him.

Chapter 34

As I glance around the busy coffee shop, I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the smell of coffee grinds, baked goods, and nutmeg. When my eyes land on Amy, I can already tell she’s waiting for Nadia and my dad to step away so she can attack me with questions about my date with Hayes.

Oh, she’s going to be disappointed.

The moment they are gone to place our orders, Amy pulls her chair closer to mine and begins her sleuthing. “Quick, tell me before Nadia gets back with your dad. How was your date with Hayes last night? Did you kiss him? Please tell me you did because gosh, that man is drop-dead gorgeous and worth a fortune. Not that you care about that stuff,” Amy murmurs as she plays with a lock of red hair.

Chuckling, I pause as I let curiosity get the best of her.

“Oh my God, Cathy. You’re killing me here!” she exclaims.

“It went great. And no, we didn’t kiss. I hate to tell you, but apparently even Hayes agrees that I’m not rea—”

“Cathy? Catherine, is that you?” a man asks with wonder in his voice.

It’s him.

With my mouth open, I lift my gaze and stare at the man with the eyes I still dream about, watching me with an incredulous expression on his achingly beautiful face. I once read somewhere that it’s through eye contact that souls catch on fire.

Well, mine is burning to the ground.Heart racing.

Exploding euphoria.

I can’t breathe.

Oh, there go the dormant butterflies, awakened by one look.

“Hi,” I manage to say as I try to fight through an inability to think straight. I want to get up, take him in my arms, hug him, and kiss him for all the days, minutes, and seconds that he hasn’t been part of my life.

“Hi.”

He stands there, staring at me as if I am a ghost he can’t believe he’s seeing.

“Um, How h-have you been?” I stutter like a nervous child.

“Good. Could be better. Have been better,” he answers as he leans forward, closer to my chair.

I swallow hard as I try to smooth a nonexistent crease on my jeans. “Oh, t-that’s great!”

He clears his throat as he’s getting ready to speak when I hear Nadia calling for me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath because when I open them he’ll have seen her by then. And I’m not exactly sure what his reaction will be.

Shit.

“Momma! Momma! Momma!” Nadia calls for me. I look up and see my dad watching him with hatred in his eyes and then glancing my way as if asking me what to do next. I shake my head, letting him know not to let Nadia move closer to us. When my dad gets the hint, he takes her in his hand and walks over to the other side of the coffee shop.

Out of sight, I lift my gaze to meet Ben’s once more, but he’s not watching me for once. His vision follows the path of Nadia’s steps. Feeling not a tug but yank in my heart, I get lost in him. I absorb every new detail in his appearance. He’s still just as handsome as before, but now there’s a roughness in his look. He looks wiser.

Still watching him and trying to absorb his face in my memory since I don’t know when I’ll see him again, if ever, his question brings me back to reality.

“I-Is that your daughter?” he stammers.

“Yes.” I avoid looking at him when I answer him. Instead, I study my coffee cup.

“How old is she?”

I notice that the more he speaks the huskier his voice grows.

“Three and a half.” I finally raise my eyes and meet his cloudy ones.

“Oh.” He seems to be doing the math in his head.

I hear someone coughing.

Amy. I forgot she was here with me. Glancing her way, Amy stares at me with bulging eyes, and nods in someone’s direction.

“Ben, baby, are you ready?” A very feminine, young, and raspy sexy voice asks.

I turn to look at the much younger and drop dead gorgeous woman as she wraps her slim arm around Ben’s waist. Flinching at the familiarity in her touch of Ben’s body, I take her in. She looks familiar.

Oh.

That would be because she’s Kerry, the intern.

The one he kissed.

The one he’s going to marry.

I can feel my barely healed heart slowly crack open again, the emotional stitches rupturing once more.

I don’t want to watch him with another woman, so I say a quick goodbye and leave. I don’t care that I’m leaving Amy, my dad…

Oh my God.

I must go back. I need to get Nadia. I need to hold her in my arms so she can shield me from the tsunami of pain and memories threatening to sweep me away.

****

After tossing and turning in bed for what feels like hours, I look at the clock and realize it’s already 3:00 a.m. I groan, cover my head with a pillow, and close my eyes, willing sleep to take me.