Bent not Broken (157 page)

“Let’s talk about that . . .”

For an hour, we go back and forth, playing a game of tug of war with our words. I tell her about my childhood. I tell her about growing up without a dad when everyone else around me had one. I tell her about Beau and how close we were growing up. And when we get to the point where she asks me why it all changed, I have to make a decision. Am I going to tell her why things are so different for me now, or is that something I should save for another time?

“Why aren’t you and Beau as close as you used to be?” she asks, leaning forward in her chair.

I tuck my hands between my knees and lock my eyes on the bookcase on the right side of the room. I know she’s not going to tell anyone, but she’s still very much a stranger to me. Something about it just doesn’t feel right yet. “Kate, your secrets are safe with me. Let me help you,” she says quietly, twirling her watch on her wrist.

“How much time do we have?” I ask nervously. Maybe our session is almost done, and I can just leave and decide what I want to do later . . . if I actually decide to come back.

“You’re my last appointment today. Take as much time as you need.”

Another fork in my road . . . another moment where a decision can change everything.

So I talk. I tell her about the night my life changed, and when I call myself naïve, she stops me and tells me it wasn’t my fault. I know that’s true, but I also know I could have changed the way things ended that night by not going into that house and not trusting Drew.

“Do you ever think you’ve overcompensated? Are you pushing everything and everyone away because of this one twisted guy?”

I shrug. “Sometimes. I pushed Beau away, and he’s the nicest, most honest person I know. I didn’t feel normal and couldn’t grasp why anyone would want to hang out with me.”

“Have you ever loved someone who’s changed? Did you still love them after?” After thinking about it, I realize most people in my life have changed. We all change.

“Yeah,” I whisper, feeling the tears building in my eyes.

“Why would Beau be any different?”

“I don’t know,” I say, shaking my head. “I don’t know. Maybe it was all me.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t think I deserve him anymore,” I cry, puncturing my own heart by saying the words.

“And what happened to make you feel that way?” she asks, setting her notebook on the small table in front of her. My whole body aches as I relive the moment that changed my life.

“I was raped,” I sob, curling my legs into my body.

“How was that your fault?”

I cover my face with my hands and rest my elbows on my knees. This is draining me completely.

“Kate, you can talk to me,” she whispers, running her hand up and down my back.

“I didn’t do anything to deserve it! Okay? I was there because my friends were there. I just wanted to talk and have a good time.” I run my sleeve across my eyes. “He tricked me. He robbed me.”

“And why would Beau think any less of you?”

I internalize her words, and when I’m done, it’s a slap in the face. I was wrong. I’ve been wrong for almost three years, and it’s time to fix it.

Chapter 29

Beau

“Can we talk?” Kate asks.

The last thing I expected today was to have her knocking on my door. But she did, and now she’s standing right in front of me, looking up at me with those big green eyes I love so fucking much. Every time I look at her, I’m reminded of why this girl owns my fucking heart and why I can’t get her out of my head.

After I left for college, I tried to tear my heart away from her. It’s been almost a year, but I haven’t been able to let her go. Not with how deep she’s twisted inside of me. I’ve tried, Lord knows I’ve tried, but I don’t think I can ever get her completely out of my head. I love her.

“Do you want to come in?” I ask, looking past her to the quiet street we’ve lived on for almost fifteen years.

She eyes me nervously, biting her lower lip. It drives me crazy every time she does that. “Actually, I was hoping we could go out to the lake,” she pauses, clasping her fingers in front of her. “We haven’t gone there at all this summer.”

I hesitate because every time we’ve gone to the lake it has ended badly. I don’t know what it is, but that place no longer holds the good memories it did when we were younger. The last time we were there, I laid my whole heart out for her, and I’m pretty sure it’s still there, buried in the sand. “I should stay home and work on packing my stuff. I leave for school again in a few days.”

“You’re leaving already? School doesn’t start for weeks,” she blurts, sadness lining her eyes.

“Yeah, I got an apartment with a couple other guys. They’re letting us move in August first because it’s been empty all summer.”

“Oh,” she says, looking down at the ground. “I’ll let you pack then. I just thought that maybe—”

She starts to back away, but I stop her. “Kate, wait,” I say quickly, running my fingers through my hair. The way she’s looking at me, you’d think I just ran over her puppy. I hate seeing that look on her face. “Give me ten minutes to change.”

She nods and I feel relief as I watch her face relax.

Every time I look at her, I remember the day she moved next door. My mom saw her first and told me to go introduce myself. I thought it was stupid because I hated girls, but I’ve never regretted it. All of my best memories involve Kate . . . and some of my worst.

I’ve stuck by her even when she has tried to push me away. I love her, and I’ve tried to tell and show her over and over again, but nothing works.

The day I left her at the funeral hurt. I wanted to stay with her, but she was grieving over someone else. Her eyes once sparkled when she looked at me, the same type of sparkle I saw that day when she was with Asher in his car. I saw that look on her face many times up until a couple of years ago and then she changed.

The glimmer in her eyes was gone.

And I had no idea what changed.

I throw on a pair of swim trunks and a shirt before making my way back down the stairs. There’s an unsettled feeling in my stomach. If she didn’t mean so much to me, I’d walk right out there and tell her I don’t have time to deal with this today.

Instead, I open the front door, getting a glimpse of Kate sitting on my front steps. “Ready to go?” I ask, slamming the old screen door shut.

She turns around, and if I didn’t know better, I’d swear her whole body is shaking. I don’t know why she’s so nervous. Sure we haven’t seen each other much this summer, mostly because I’ve been avoiding her, but we’ve hung out thousands of times. Things shouldn’t be this way. It’s not how it was meant to be, or how I wanted it to be.

“I’m ready.”

I walk past her, making my way to the truck. Jumping in, I refuse to look back at her. When she’s ready, she’ll come on her own. I keep myself busy, rolling the windows down and turning on the radio. Hey Pretty Girl by Kip Moore is playing. It’s funny how it’s everything I wanted to say to Kate for so long, but waited until it was too late.

This is all that’s left of us. We’re two people who aren’t happy when we’re apart, but can’t seem to get things right when we’re together.

The door of the old Chevy creaks open and I watch out of the corner of my eye as she climbs in. After she slams her door shut, she rests her head against the back of the seat and holds her fingers outside the window like I’ve watched her do many times before. I like that she’s the only girl I know who doesn’t mind the wind blowing through her hair. It’s when she looks her best.

“What do you want to do at the lake?” I ask, pulling out of the driveway.

“I thought we could talk. Summer’s almost over, and I’ve barely seen you,” she says shyly, fidgeting with string on her shorts.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Can we wait until we get to the lake? I’m not ready yet,” she says, her voice cracking slightly.

“You’re scaring me, Kate.” I steal a quick glance in her direction to see her head resting against the window. She looks absolutely miserable, and I swear to God I’m not leaving here until I find out what’s causing it.

“I’m sorry. We’ll talk when we get there. I need a few more minutes,” she replies, wiping her finger under her eye.

Instinctually, my hand covers her knee, and to my surprise she doesn’t flinch like she normally does. It’s like I’m driving into a long, dark cave without any headlights. Why the hell does it feel like I’m not going to like where this is going?

As we pull into the parking lot near the lake, I notice the tears sliding down her cheeks. “Kate,” I whisper, reaching for her hand.

She pulls it back and opens the door, getting out before I have a chance to say anything else. I’m frozen, watching her run toward the lake. It’s surprising that she’s not stopping or hesitating; there are lots of families out here today, and usually she would just hang behind and watch.

She runs to where the water meets the sand, kicking her sandals off and running her toes through the water. I stay back to give her a couple minutes to calm down. I don’t know what’s gotten her so upset, but we’re not leaving here today until I find out.

“Are you ready to talk?” I ask, standing beside her.

“Can we go sit over there? I want us to be alone,” she says, pointing to the small dock to the left of the beach.

I grab her hand without replying and walk us away from the crowd. “You’re really fucking scaring me, Kate. As soon as we get over there, I need you to tell me.”

Her body goes stiff beside me, and I regret the harshness that bled through my voice. This is obviously not easy for her, and I’m not helping the situation.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, running my thumb over the top of her hand. I pull her closer to my side in an attempt to calm her.

She sits down on the edge of the dock first, dangling her feet over the side. Taking my shoes off, I take the spot beside her and let my own feet fall into the water.

“Kate, tell me, what’s going on?”

“It’s about Drew,” she whispers, running the lake water between her toes.

“Drew? Drew Heston?”

“Yeah,” she says, looking up at me with tear-filled eyes.

“What about him?” I ask, thinking that something happened to him. Not that I care. The guy is a total douche who thinks the sun sets on his freaking schedule. Every single football game throughout my high school career, I prayed that someone would tackle him and put him out for the season. It never happened, but picturing it sure as fuck helped.

Kate’s quiet and I hate it. Her silence always kills me, but when she reaches up with her shaky hand to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, I want to pull her into my arms. “Kate.”

She sucks in a deep breath, tilting her head back to look at the sky. I’ve never seen anyone look so lost and in pain. I feel sick just watching her.

The next thing she says is so quiet that I can barely hear her, but it nearly kills me when she says it. “He raped me.”

My whole face heats as I watch her chest rapidly moving up and down. I want her to tell me I heard her wrong, or that it came out wrong, but of course that’s not going to happen. Kate wouldn’t make this shit up.

I swear I’ll kill that bastard. I’ll strangle him with my bare fucking hands. I swear to god, I’ll do it for her.

“What did you just say? When?” I choke, gripping the wood board with my fingers. The old wood is ripping into my skin, but I don’t care. Every muscle in my body is screaming for me to go after that asshole . . . but Kate needs me more.

“It was almost three years ago, at his house after a football game.” She stops, looking over at me. Her tear-stained cheeks are like a sword in the heart to me.

No woman in this world deserves to be touched when she doesn’t want to be. And when I think about it happening to
my
Kate, it rips me into a million little tiny pieces.

When I regain my composure, all I’m left with are questions. “How? We always went to those things together.”

Her lips part, then close again. “You weren’t there that night.”

“What do you mean I wasn’t there? I was always there.” I panic, feeling an overwhelming pressure building in my chest.

Kate shakes her head, her sad eyes burning into me. “It was a Friday that you were grounded. I went with Morgan, and she left me by the fire alone. Drew came and started talking to me, and after a while it got really cold and started to rain.” She stops, wrapping her arms around her legs.

“What happened?” I ask, feeling my own emotions bubbling up inside me. I can’t escape the feeling that this was somehow my fault. I should have been there for her.

“He offered to get me a sweatshirt, so I followed him into his house to get it. I didn’t think much of it. It was just Drew, you know?” she cries, covering her eyes with her hand. I reach my arms out to pull her close, but she pulls away. I want to hold her and tell her how sorry I am that the one time she needed me, I wasn’t there.

I sit back with my hands resting on the dock again. “You don’t have to tell me the rest—”

“No, I need to. Just let me get it out,” she interrupts, taking a few deep breaths. “At first, everything was fine. And then nothing felt right. The house was completely quiet, and he was staring at me.”

She shakes her head as tears roll down her face. Honestly, I don’t know if I can handle hearing the rest, but she seems determined. A lump forms in my throat when I think about how much courage it must have taken for her to get to this point after all this time.

“Before I knew it, he had me pinned to the wall and then I was on a bed. His whole body was on top of me, and I couldn’t get him off, Beau. I tried, but he was too strong,” she sobs.

I reach out again and this time she lets me cradle her in my arms. Her head rests against my chest as I pull her tight against me. I’d do anything to go back in time and make this go away. I hate so much that it happened, but I also hate that she didn’t tell me about it sooner. I could have been there for her.

It all makes sense now. When I think back to the last few years and how she had changed. She’d changed a lot. She went from being the girl who smiled every time she saw me, to being the girl who never smiled at all. She went from being the girl who had a lifetime of hopes and dreams, to the girl who struggled just to get through a day in school.