Bent not Broken (158 page)

She quit being my girl, and now I understand why.

Her tears bring me back to where we are now. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, running my hand up and down her back.

“I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t. I didn’t think anyone would believe me and—” she pauses, pulling back to look at me with her swollen red eyes.

“What is it?” I ask, brushing the hair off her face.

“He threatened me. I was so scared, Beau. He’s a Heston, and I’m just me. Do you know what it feels like to walk around with this? It sucks. Every day for two years . . . I was here, but I was just getting by. Asher changed all that, but then he left too. I don’t deserve this.”

I carefully grip her upper arms, making sure her eyes are locked on mine. “You did nothing to deserve this. Do you hear me? Nothing,” I say, cupping her face in my hands. I don’t want to admit it, but Asher being in her life has helped her. As much as I hated seeing him with her, I loved seeing her with brightness in her eyes again.

Love is unselfish; that’s how I know what I feel for Kate is the real thing.

She falls back into me as I continue to brush my fingers through her hair. Minutes tick by, but she hasn’t moved once. One side of me wants to ask her a million questions while the other side just wants to hold her.

She laughs sadly, looking right up into my eyes. “I loved you for so long, you know? Your name was the one I wrote in the hearts on my notebook all through middle school. I thought my life would end just like this . . . with you.”

My breath catches, savoring the words I’ve wanted to hear for so long. Words I’d given up on a long time ago. “It can still end that way,” I say, running my thumbs along her jawline.

“No it can’t. You know where you’re going, and I’m just the girl who will hold you back.”

“Kate—”

“No, listen to me. I loved you for so long, but it was never the right time for us. Then someone broke me, literally tearing my beliefs apart . . . my dreams, my life. I didn’t think I’d ever recover. I didn’t think I’d ever have a chance to be normal again. Asher gave me a second chance, and then his life was taken too soon,” she says, breaking down again when she mentions him. “Now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life. I don’t know what the future holds for me, and I can’t take you along for the ride until I get it all figured out.”

My heart beats rapidly as I rest my forehead against hers. For years, I’ve looked for any excuse to touch her skin. “You can’t do everything alone. Let me help you. Let me be there for you.”

She brushes her lips against mine, catching me completely off guard. “I need to figure out who I am first.”

Cupping her face in my hands again, I press my lips to her forehead. I always said I’d wait for her, but there have been a few times I wanted to give up on the whole idea of love. After what she told me today, I know I can’t give up on her just yet. She’s not replaceable, not in my eyes.

“I love you,” I whisper, kissing the tip of her nose. “And I’ll give you the time you need. I’ll still be waiting for you.”

“I can’t make any promises.”

“I’m not asking you to. I’m asking for you to remember me when you’re ready to move on,” I say, wrapping my hands around the back of her neck.

“Where did I ever find you?” She smiles, brushing a few more fallen tears from her cheeks.

“In your backyard,” I reply, smiling back at her.

“Thank you,” she says, moving to sit next to me again.

“For what?” I ask, throwing a rock out into the water.

“For hearing me.”

“Always. I just wish I would have heard you sooner,” I say, grabbing her hand in mine.

“I wish I could have told you, but everything seems easier when you’re looking back on it.”

There are lots of things I’d like to go back and change, but falling in love with Kate Alexander is not one of those things.

Chapter 30

Five Weeks Later

Taking risks isn’t something I’m good at, but today I’m hoping that all changes. Yesterday was my last day at the diner, and today will be the last day I wake up in my bed under this roof.

I’m actually going to college, and it’s scary as hell.

My mom won’t be there to hold me in her arms when I need her, but for the first time in a long time I feel as if I’m strong enough to stand on my own.

“You all ready to go?” she asks, carrying the last tote out to my car.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you? I feel like I should at least drop you off,” she says, trying her best to close my over-packed trunk.

“I’ll be fine. It’s only a few hours away.”

I watch as she finally succeeds, facing me with a triumphant look on her face. It falls away quickly as she wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me as close to her as I can possibly get. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you too, Mom,” I say, encircling her small waist in my arms.

“I know I haven’t been home as much as I should be, but I’m going to miss you. Who’s going to watch movies with me while eating Ben & Jerry’s?” she asks with a lightness in her voice that I don’t often get to hear.

“I’ll come home as many weekends as I can, not that it matters. You have someone else to share your ice cream with now,” I reply, looking over her shoulder to see Daniel watching us from our front porch. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but they’ve been dating for a couple months now. I’m happy for them because they’re both so good for one another. They truly deserve that kind of happiness.

“Now, don’t come home every weekend. I want you to enjoy the things that I didn’t get to enjoy when I was your age. This is your time,” she whispers, kissing the side of my head.

“I love you, Mom.”

“I love you too.” She steps back, gripping my upper arms. Her eyes are teary, but she wears a satisfied smile. She makes me feel like I’m going to accomplish something, even if I’m unsure of it myself.

“Well, I better get going. I don’t want to drive in the dark,” I say, glancing up at the bright summer sky. I know it’s going to be a clear night . . . perfect for watching the stars.

My fingers run along the silver chain that hangs around my neck until I feel the little umbrella. I never take it off . . . I don’t think I ever will.

I can’t leave without saying goodbye to Daniel. He’s become a part of my family, and my mom and I are pretty much all he has. I’m ready to shake his hand, but he pulls me into a hug instead.

“I’m proud of you. We all are.”

“Thank you, for everything,” I whisper, nodding toward my mom.

He smiles, focusing his attention behind me. “She’s an amazing woman.”

“That she is,” I agree, stepping back. “I better get going. Take care of her for me?”

“I will,” he says, tucking his hands into his front pockets.

When I stand in front of my mom one last time, I’m a mixture of sadness and excitement all wrapped into one. I remember some kids from high school being absolutely through the moon at the prospect of having their freedom in college. I’m excited to get some space, there’s no doubt about that, but I’m also terrified of what’s going to happen once I’m dependent on myself and myself alone.

If things work out the way I want them to, I won’t have to be alone for long.

I give my mom one more hug and climb into my car. As I pull away from the house, I wave my hand in the rearview mirror to make it visible to them. A year ago, I would have felt guilty about leaving her, but she’s in good hands . . . and she’s happier than I’ve ever seen her.

When I’m cruising down the highway, I turn on the iPod and let the soft, familiar voice fill my head. After Beau left to go back to college, I spent many afternoons alone in my room thinking, and many nights out on the old trampoline looking at the stars.

I want to go to school to become a youth counselor and help other young girls who may have gone through the same thing I did with Drew. Living a meaningful life is important to me. It’s not about money or prestige. It’s about helping as many people as I can through my experience and education.

I’m not just doing it for myself . . . it’s my gift to Asher; a way to honor the man who gave so much back to me.

I’ve stumbled over and over again, but I’m still on my feet.

There’s hope.

I also realize that there’s a difference between soul mates and true love. Looking at the surface, they are similar, but when I dug deep down inside, I found they were different.

I found my soul mate. Asher understood all the complexities that made me who I was. We had an instant connection, and over time it grew into something so deep, strong and meaningful that it will stick with me forever. He brought me a sense of peace and happiness. He made me aware of the beauty in life, and for that I will forever be thankful.

I found my true love. Beau has been there for me over and over again, through good times and bad. He would give up his world for me, and I would do the same for him. He would give up everything just to know I was okay as he has proven time and time again. When I am with him, there is no possibility of an end for us.

Is one type of love better than the other? I don’t know, but I’m lucky enough to have found them both. I’m lucky that Asher opened my eyes again because if I had never met him, I probably never would have realized how much I really do love Beau.

It’s easy to look at it now and see I’ve always belonged to Beau in some way or another. I spent hours watching him out my window this summer, doing everything from mowing his yard to washing his truck. There was even one day where I watched him help the older lady who lives across the street plant her flowers. He’s perfect.

Everything he does amazes me. I fall in love with him every day, and he doesn’t even have to say a word. We have a bond that’s unbreakable, and that is why I’m taking this chance now.

Apart, we’re only half of what we are when we’re together. He completes me, and I’m ready to feel whole again.

The drive is long and boring. I pass miles and miles of cornfields before finally pulling into Iowa City. I should go check in with my new roommate, but I can’t wait any longer to see him. We’ve spoken a few times on the phone, but he’s been giving me time to think and decide what it is I want out of life.

Now, I feel like I have it figured out. Excitement washes over me when I think of what he’s going to say when I tell him. We’ve both been waiting for so long, but I hold the key and I’m about to unlock our future.

I park in front of his apartment and take a few deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves. This is the beginning of yet another journey for me.

The sun heats my face as I walk up the sidewalk to the old brick building and take the steps to his floor. When I asked his mom for his address, she grinned. I think she knows. I think she’s always known.

Butterflies go crazy in my stomach as I find his door and raise my hand to knock. I’ve never been so nervous in my whole life. I’m about to knock again when the door swings open. A tall blonde with big blue eyes stares back at me.

“Is Beau here?” I ask, trying to see into the apartment.

Her eyes roam up and down my body before landing back on mine. The grin on her face sounds alarm bells in my head. “He just got out of the shower. Would you like me to go get him?” she asks, running her tongue over her teeth.

I feel sick to my stomach. Maybe I waited too long?

“Umm, no, I’ll just call him later,” I say softly, taking a few steps back.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go get him?” she asks, leaning against the doorframe.

“Yeah, thanks though,” I say, walking steadily down the hall to the stairs.

Disbelief washes over me. Before he left, I was under the impression that he would wait for me a little while longer. I knew it wasn’t fair to make him wait forever, but five weeks . . . why did he give up so quickly?

I can’t stop the tears from running down my cheeks. I’ve wanted him for so long that he’s become my living dream, and now it’s obvious that he’s going to stay that way. I have many regrets, but if I never get a second chance, this will be my ultimate regret.

I love him.

I make my way out the door and down the sidewalk to the street. I left him behind, and now he’s over me.

“Kate! Wait!” a familiar voice yells from behind me, stopping me in my tracks.

I don’t want to turn around and let him see the tears. He shouldn’t feel sorry for moving on when I’m the one who waited so long to realize what he means to me.

“Look at me,” he whispers, so close that I feel the heat of his chest against my back.

“I can’t. I need to go.”

He stands behind me and presses his hand to my stomach. It feels so right. “Why did you come if you weren’t going to stay?”

“Beau, please,” I cry, leaning my head back against his shoulder, allowing the water droplets from his bare chest to soak into my shirt.

“Talk to me,” he demands.

I could tell him the truth, but I decide to go with a half-truth. “I’m here for school. I signed up for some classes.”

“Why are you crying?” he asks, moving around me to get a better look at my face. He has nothing on but a pair of black athletic shorts and droplets of water are rolling out of his hair.

He’s everything I’ve always wanted, and I’m too late. I don’t want to hear it, but he asked me to always be honest.

“I came for you.”

His eyes move back and forth between mine. “Then why didn’t you stay?”

Pinching my eyes shut, I use the back of my hand to wipe my cheeks. “When your girlfriend answered the door . . . I realized I was too late. I didn’t need to hear you say it.”

He places his finger under my chin. “Open your eyes.”

I hesitate, not wanting to see him when he tells me I’m right. “Kate, I’m only going to ask you one more time. Open. Your. Eyes. Please.”

This time I do, and when I look at him I see the old playfulness I’m used to. I want to run and pretend that this never happened. I want to run back to a time when he was there, telling me how much he loves me and never let him go.

His face comes closer to mine until his lips are a whisper above mine. “You got it all wrong, beautiful.”