Bent not Broken (152 page)

“Do you ever think about death? I mean, what do you think it’s like?” Asher asks, wrapping his arm behind my back.

It’s something I haven’t thought much about. I don’t think it’s something that anyone likes to think about.

“I don’t know. I guess I’ve always hoped it will just be another life.” I pause, trying to collect my thoughts. “I hope it’s just like waking up in another place.”

“Me too,” he replies, kissing the side of my head.

“We have a lot of time before we have to think about that, though. We’re not going anywhere. There’s too much life ahead of us.”

“Yeah,” he whispers, turning his face away from mine.

I should have seen it that day, but I was too involved in the things that were going on around me.

I’ll miss his voice. I’ll miss the peaceful feeling that looking into his eyes gives me. But most of all, I’ll miss the comfort of knowing that when the sun rises in the morning, Asher will still be lying next to me.

We tend to regret our yesterdays, live in our todays and forget about our tomorrows, but I’m trying to cherish them all. I say a prayer every night before I let myself drift to sleep nestled against Asher. I pray that there will be a tomorrow. I pray for strength; not just for me, but for Asher too. Every night, I pray for hope because I’m not ready to say goodbye. I want to wake up and see Asher walking around again with that glowing smile on his face again.

“Kate?” Asher mutters, coming out of a deep sleep. It’s good to hear his voice for the first time today. I close my eyes and take it in like it’s my favorite song. I memorize the tone, tightly holding onto the way he says my name.

“Are you okay?” I ask, touching my finger to his chin.

He wraps his arm around my back, trying his best to pull me closer with the little strength he has left. “I just wanted to make sure you were still here.”

“I’m not leaving you,” I whisper, lightly pressing my lips to his.

“Is it warm enough to look at the stars outside tonight?” he asks, breathing loudly. He’s been confused and disoriented at times when he’s awake.

“Not tonight,” I answer, resting my head back against the pillow. I trace my fingertip on his chest, making little hearts and spelling out, “I love you.”

“I must have fallen asleep during the movie?” he asks, trying hard to swallow.

“Yeah, you did,” I say, playing along. It’s easier that way.

“I had a dream about you,” he says slowly, trying to catch his breath.

“Yeah?”

He nods slightly. “You looked so pretty like always, and you were coming toward me in a white dress.” He stops, taking a few seconds to take several deep breaths. “The closer you got to me, the more you cried. And when you were close enough, I grabbed your hand.” He pauses. I can feel how hard his chest is moving up and down under my hand.

“It’s okay. You should just try to get some more rest.” I want to hear everything that he has to say, but it’s draining him a little more with every word. My heart aches, wanting to hold on to him for as long as I can.

He moves his body just enough to face me, exhausting all of his energy with one simple movement. “Just listen to me,” he whispers, resting his palm against my cheek. “After the minister said a prayer, I told you how beautiful you were.” He stops again, closing his eyes this time.

“Asher—”

“No, please,” he whispers, opening his eyes for me again. “I told you that every star in the sky was made for you, and they were, Kate. You light up my world even in my darkest moments.”

Tears stream down my face as I watch the tears roll down his. This shouldn’t have to happen this way. This moment should be in a church, in front of our family and friends. But because of one stupid six-letter word, these words are being said in bed . . . on the night I will probably lose my soul-mate.

He inhales a deep breath and touches his palm to my cheek. “I told you that I loved you over and over again because I do, Kate.” He stops, struggling to breathe. I wish I could do it for him. I wish I could give him my strength. “I love you so much, and the thought of leaving you alone is killing me more than cancer ever could.”

He gasps for air and all I can do is watch as I continue to stroke his cheek.

“I need to know that you’re going to be okay.” His breathing is heavy and he’s struggling for every word. “I need to know that you’ll think about the good times we shared, and never settle for anything less than how you felt in those moments.”

“I will,” I cry, kissing the tip of his nose.

“You deserve it all, with or without me,” he whispers against my lips.

The tears aren’t streaming anymore; they’re running down my face. Asher tries to wipe them away, but gives up when he realizes it’s pointless.

“I wish I could have this moment, and the one after that, but this is what God’s given us,” he struggles. He’s so pale . . . so weak. “I want to hold you. Please don’t leave me,” he cries, burying his face in my shirt.

“I would never leave you,” I cry, holding him close to me, “Never.” I hate this so much, but I need to push through it for him. There is so much I want to say to him.

“You gave me my life back. You cared about me enough to push past my demons. You made me want to be with you every minute of the day because you made me feel things that no one else could. And whether you’re lying beside me or living in my memories, I will love you. Forever. Always.”

He draws in a few deep breaths through his sobs. He’s struggling for his next breath and every time he gets it, I hope it won’t be his last.

I’m

Not

Ready . . .

He slowly drifts off to sleep with his cheek pressed against my shoulder. I hear every breath he takes as I lie silently, eager to hear the next. After a while, I count them and as every hour passes, I start to sense more and more of a struggle. That hourglass is running low, but I can’t turn it over . . . life doesn’t work that way.

His mom and dad come in the room every now and then to check on him. They don’t say much, but I can tell by the broken look on their faces that it’s ripping them apart inside. Neither seems to know what to say, but they sit beside the bed watching Asher. Asher opens his eyes every once in a while, and they share a few knowing glances. He knows they care, or they wouldn’t be here when things are so tough.

Asher starts to stir beside me again, and I lift my head up to look into his mesmerizing blue eyes in case it’s the last time he can ever open them. The light behind them is gone, but the same unique crystal blue remains. A tear slips from my cheek and falls on his lips but I kiss it away, tasting the salty liquid. I linger there for several seconds, not wanting the moment to ever end. When I sit back up, his eyes are closed and his breathing is labored.

His body has been going through so much, and his spirit has been broken for days. It’s to the point where I know that this is what’s best for him. A person can only suffer for so long before the agony starts to strip them of who they are.

I can’t physically or emotionally do this for much longer.

His dad, who sits in the chair on the side of the bed, notices too. He crumbles, covering his face with his hands. I’ve never seen a man more broken. It’s sad that it took this to bring them back together and that they didn’t have time to mend all the issues between them. He scoots closer to the bed and wraps Asher’s hand in both of his.

I wish I was strong enough for all of us, but I’m not.

I lay my cheek next to Asher’s on the pillow, letting my tears soak through the cotton underneath me. This would forever be etched in my mind.

Asher inhales a deep breath. “When it rains, Kate. Remember me.” His voice is so low, but every word registers with me. It’s his goodbye. I know it is. He’s struggling to breathe as I rest my cheek against his shoulder.

“I love you, Asher,” I whisper, running my fingers through his hair. He doesn’t move, but my pleas continue, hoping he can hear me. “I’m so glad that you found me. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ll always remember you.” I sob, moving a little closer. “You’ll always be in my heart,” I whisper right next to his ear, hoping he can hear me.

His breathing slows even more. I grip his t-shirt with my fist and pinch my eyes shut, letting his usual scent fill me. I run my fingertips over his facial features, memorizing each and every one of them. If I can’t have him here forever, I’m going to cement everything about him into my mind so that it’s with me whenever I need it.

“You mean everything to me,” I whisper.

Daniel cries out from the chair on the other side of the bed. He’d been so quiet; I forgot he was even here. “He’s gone, Kate.”

I lift my head and look down at the man whose soul is connected to mine. He’s turning paler, and when I put my hand over the heart that saved me, I feel nothing. He’s gone. The man who brought me back to life just lost his.

Time stands still.

I feel lost, like I’m not actually in my own body.

I’ve known for a while that this day would come, but I never let it seep into my heart enough to truly feel it. Reality has hit me hard and knocked me out.

“I’m going to make some calls,” Daniel says, barely able to get the words out.

I don’t even glance in her direction. I keep my eyes locked on Asher. I think I love him more now than I did when I woke up this morning. He looks peaceful, like he has the countless other times I’ve watched him sleep, but this time is different.

I’ll never get to see his eyes again.

I’m still breathing, blood is still pumping through my body, but the rest of me . . . empty. Without Asher, I’m having a hard time seeing what’s in front of me. I don’t know where to go from here. I do know that I owe it to him not to fall back into my old pattern of self-loathing. My way of keeping his memory alive is to live my life. I have a chance to do things that he will never get to experience.

“I’m going to go fishing next summer,” I cry, letting my head fall back on the pillow. “And I’m going to try French fries dipped in ice cream.”

I run my fingers through his hair, feeling the silky texture one more time. “And, when I have s’mores, I’ll make an extra one for you. When I hear our favorite songs, I’ll dance for you. I’ll do anything for you. I’ll do it all for you.”

I press my lips to his one last time before burying my face in his t-shirt.

****

It could have been two minutes later, or two hours later, when Daniel comes in and says something about taking Asher away. I don’t move as two hands gently pull me away from him. I watch as they cover him with a white sheet and take him from the room.

I sit quietly on the chair in the corner, bouncing my leg up and down as I watch the world move in slow motion around me. These are people who don’t know me, who didn’t know Asher. Most of them look sad, but they don’t feel what I feel right now. They haven’t just said goodbye to someone they love.

This is the loneliest, saddest place I’ve ever been.

I would give my life for one more dance, one more fishing trip . . . one more chance to make love, maybe under the stars this time. It’s amazing how many times in life I’ve said, “I want to do that someday,” not thinking that someday might never come. I will never take someday for granted again.

I’ve held him for the last time.

I’ve kissed him for the last time.

But I’ll think about him always and love him forever.

Chapter 25

When I walk into Asher’s house sometime later, my eyes are locked on his bedroom door. Maybe if I stare at it long enough, he’ll come walking through it, and this will all have been a terrible misunderstanding. But it’s all a delusion; a big hopeless delusion.

Tears flow from my eyes. I don’t even bother wiping them away because they will just continue to dampen my cheeks. I don’t have the energy or the strength to care. I’m emotionally and physically numb.

After they took Asher away, his mom left. She wants to fly home and get Aubrey so we can all plan the funeral. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I ended up going home with Daniel.

As I stare at the plain walls, I pray again for the nightmare to end, but deep down inside, I know it’s an impossible dream. I would give up everything to have him back. Everything.

Daniel sits next to me, but I can’t bring myself to look at his face. He’s the only other person in this town who knew Asher. And now, we’re the only two people in this town who are mourning the loss of him. He may be the only person who can understand what I’m going through right now. It gives us a bond that will connect us forever.

Biting down on my lip, I eye his brown leather shoes as he stands and walks through the living room. As soon as he disappears from sight, I hear crying; deep, painful, screeches. I break down all over again. I wish I was strong enough to comfort him right now, but I can’t even do anything for my own broken, tortured heart. Instead, it makes me feel the extreme gravity of the situation.

Asher’s never coming back.

Life’s not fair. Life’s often complicated, leaving us to deal with things that we shouldn’t have to. Life can make you smile one day, only to leave you broken into tiny little pieces the next.

I wrap my arms around my legs and rest my chin on my knees. I cry uncontrollably as I close my eyes and picture his face.

Asher’s dad must have called my mom because she walked into the house not long after. As soon as I saw her, I fell apart. I’ve never needed my mom more. She quickly moves toward me and pulls me into her arms.

“I’m so sorry,” she says, resting her head on mine. “I’m so, so sorry.”

I can’t form words as I grip her green knit sweater in my hands and bury my face into the fabric.

“He’s not in pain anymore,” she says, running her fingers through my hair. We remain in the same place, embraced in each other’s arms for several minutes. I’m trying to process everything that happened today while she gives me a soft place to land.

“We’re going to get through this,” she whispers against my ear.

“I love you,” I say, burying my face in her sweater. I want to make sure she knows it, today more than ever. I will never take someone who I love for granted again.