Bent Not Broken (A Cedar Creek #1) (9 page)

She was getting mad now. Mad for me and for how my past was screwing with my present.

God, I loved her.

“Macy, I promise you I’m okay. I’ve been thinking about it this past week. I can’t go there with a man again. I just can’t. That part of me is gone. But I can still be happy. I have you and your family. And I got a talking to from Betty earlier this week—,”

“Betty?”

“Yes, Betty. She laid me out when I went in for my morning coffee. And she is right. Well, mostly. It took me a few days to think about it, but she is right. I need to stop closing myself off and need to start trusting myself to be me. She says I have light in me, and no matter how hard I try to hide it, it’s shining through, trying to get out. She knew that something awful had happened to me, that I think I’m broken, but she says I’m stronger than I think. That made me realize that I have to fight for my happiness. Even if I can never trust my judgment in men again, can never trust enough to give a relationship a try, I owe it to myself to
be
myself and find happiness in that.”

“That’s good. I’m glad she gave that to you, because it’s true. You do have light in you. A lot of it. It comes out whenever you’re not guarding yourself; when you talk to your customers; when you joke with them; when you’re with my kids. There is a lot of light and love in you, honey, and I’m glad you have decided to let it come out.”

“I hear a
but
coming,” I mumbled under my breath.

“Yes, and you know what I am going to say. You deserve to be loved. By a man. You deserve to find someone who takes care of you and respects you and loves you for being you. I know you’re not going to agree with me, but that’s what I think, and you won’t make me think otherwise.”

“Macy, I can’t. I can’t go there. You know what set me off when Grant told me he wanted more with me? He called me
baby
. He didn’t mean anything by it, but that’s what made me freak out and lose it. Just him calling me that. It’s what
he
used to call me and to this day it makes bile rise up in my throat and sends me straight back to that day.” My voice sounded desperate. I needed her to understand and support me in this.

“Please, Mace, please understand,” I pleaded.

Macy was looking at me, assessing. I could see she was fighting with herself and I loved her for it. I loved that she thought that I deserved love and she was right. I did. But I also knew I would never find it, because I couldn’t give a man all of me and that wasn’t fair.

The seconds ticked by as I waited for her response.

“Okay, Ivey. I understand,”

Relief washed over and through me so hard that my shoulder relaxed and I let out the breath I didn’t know I had been holding. “Thank you. Then now I need your help.”

Then I started telling her about my attraction to Cal and how I thought he was flirting with me. About how I turned into an idiot whenever he was around. That he had heard everything Betty had said, because he was standing right behind me when she did, and how he had looked at me after that. How he made me sit with him today at the diner and asked me to go bowling with them. I needed her to help me sort out my head and avoid him.

At hearing all this, Macy’s eyes started to sparkle and Larry was chuckling a deep low chuckle. I raised my eyebrows at him in question.

“Good luck with that one,” he stated.

“What? Why?”

“Let me explain something to you. Cal is all man. What I mean by that is, he sees what he wants and he goes after it until it’s his. His as in
his
. Now, don’t freak out on me and get scared. I don’t mean this in a bad way. There is a good kind of possessive and a bad kind of possessive. Your fuckwad ex was the bad kind. I’m the good kind. When I first met Mace when we were fifteen, I knew she was what I wanted, so I went after her until she was mine. If Cal wants you, he will have you and he will keep you. He is not a choirboy and has had his share of pussy over the years. But he is a good man and a good father, who was waiting for the right one to come along to share his and his son’s life with. By the sounds of it, he thinks that’s you, so I’m telling you to brace.”

Oh my God. Was he serious?

“That’s ridiculous, Larry. If I don’t want to date him, he can’t make me.”

“We’ll see,” was all he said to that as he took another pull of his beer. Macy was grinning so wide I thought her face was going to split in half. Her eyes were still puffy from all the crying, but now there was mischief in them that I couldn’t help but be wary about. “Mace, you said you understand. I need your help!”

“Honey, I do understand. I absolutely do,” she took my hand again in hers and spoke softly. Her eyes had lost the sparkle and were serious on me. “My heart is breaking for you. Nobody should have to go through what you have endured. It’s awful and dark and painful. But, honey, you’ve got it all wrong. Look at you. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are caring and loyal and funny and spunky and real. Only a strong person could endure what you have and come out the other side. You didn’t let him beat you, Ivey. He didn’t win.
You
did. And you’re still shining bright. He tried to take that light away from you, but he failed. That light
is
you and nobody can take it away. You are a good woman, an angel. That’s exactly what a man like Cal sees and wants, and I agree with Larry. He will go after you until you are his. So I understand that you are scared. Everyone would be. It will take some time, but I know you will get there. And how I know that is because I know you. You are the strongest woman I have ever met, and I
know
that you will not let him take that dream of a happy ending away from you.”

I was speechless. Silent tears were again wetting my cheeks, but for a different reason this time. Macy’s words were beautiful, even more beautiful than Betty’s.

But that meant I was screwed.

And that was not going to happen.

Chapter Six

Nightmares

Ivey

Nightmares are defined as terrifying dreams.

Feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, and strong terror come to life in our dreams.

That was not how I experienced them.

I didn’t dream of monsters under my bed or something bad happening to a person I caredB about.

My dreams were based on the truth.

On experiences.

On things I had seen or felt.

And that made them that much more terrifying.

They were vivid and horrifying.

My throat would close up, making it impossible for me to breathe, impossible to scream.

Panic.

Panic so real I could taste it, smell it, feel it all around me.

It would choke me, make my body break out in a sweat, my heart beating painfully in my chest.

Then I would start thrashing, trying to get away.

And knowing I couldn’t.

Knowing I couldn’t escape.

Knowing the pain would come.

Knowing there was no hope
.

Chapter Seven

Stalked

Ivey

I bolted upright in bed.

My eyes were open wide in fear and panic.

My body was covered in sweat and the blankets were twisted around my legs.

Shit!

I hadn’t had these dreams in a long time. I thought they had stopped for good, but apparently talking about everything last night had brought them back. I took a deep breath and ran my hands over my face, trying to come out of the dream. They were always the same, always left me with a sense of hopelessness and emptiness.

Shower.

I needed a shower. That would help dispel the dream.

Then coffee.

Then go home to change and get ready to face the day.

I had stayed over at Macy’s house last night because I’d had too much to drink to make it home in one piece. But even if I had been sober, Macy wouldn’t have let me go. She wanted to keep and eye on me and make sure I was okay. She was worried that reliving my past would fuck with me and apparently, she had been right.

After they had enlightened me about what to expect from Cal I had changed the subject and told them about my grandma, about how she tried to save me from my father, how, when I spent time with her, I could forget and relax. In the end it was her who saved me. When she died, I had been her sole beneficiary. She had left me a good amount of money that had it made possible for me to leave Boston.

I never finished my degree. When Kyle had put me in the hospital I was depressed and hopeless. I had no strength left and had lost the grounds to believe anything good would ever happen to me.

After a week in the hospital I was still covered in bruises. I knew I didn’t have it in me to go back to the apartment alone, so I went with a social worker to get the paperwork I would need and left everything else. I stayed at a hotel for a few days to come up with a plan and sort everything with the bank. Then I went to the nearest car dealership and bought a beat up old truck, stopped at the mall to get the essentials, and drove away from it all. My nana’s money was enough to keep me alive for a while. I drove for days, stopping at motels for the night, until I discovered Cedar Creek.

I had stopped for lunch and ended up at
Tom’s Diner
. I immediately fell in love with the vibe of the place, with how people treated each other. The way Martha and Tom interacted had made me smile and that felt good. I decided to go for a walk and take a look around. I happened to walk past the then closed bookstore. I had always loved books. They gave me a chance to escape reality and live life through someone else’s eyes. But it was closed and looked like it had been for a while. I would know why when I walked past the local realtor’s office. They had an ad in the window about the bookstore being for lease. On a whim, I went in to inquire about it and walked out the new leaseholder. That’s all it took. I knew right then and there that this would be the place where I would settle. A nice place far enough away from the city. A new start in this sleepy, little tourist town in the Rocky Mountains was exactly what I needed. The next day Linda, the realtor, had taken me around to look at houses and I had found a home.

The shower felt good. It helped wash away the dream, though I knew it would take me a while to completely shake it off.

It was early. The house was quiet, so I assumed that everyone else was still asleep. I would go and start the coffee, fill up a travel mug, and head home. Let them sleep in.

When I turned the corner into the kitchen, I was surprised to see Macy sitting at the kitchen table, looking out the window, enjoying a cup of coffee.

“Morning, Mace. You’re up early.”

“I always get up early. This is the only time during the day that is all mine,” she was smiling at me. She wasn’t complaining. She loved her life, loved being a wife and a mother.

“I’ll just grab a cup and then I’ll be on my way. Leave you to your peace and quiet,” I said as I walked over to the coffee machine, grabbed a travel mug from the cupboard above it, and started pouring my coffee.

“Ivey,” Macy called from behind me, “Come and sit for a minute.”

Uh oh. I didn’t think I could manage another talking to, and by the tone in Macy’s voice, I could tell she had something important to say. Nevertheless, I couldn’t deny my best friend, who I knew was worried about me, so I took a seat beside her at the kitchen table.

“Promise me something,” she started ominously. I didn’t have a good feeling about this. “Promise you what?” I asked, though I didn’t really want to know.

“Promise me to be open and let what happens happen.”

See? I knew I wouldn’t like what she had to say. I gave it a few moments before I replied.

“Mace, I can’t promise you that. I’ll do my best to open up and let other people in, but I cannot promise you to let Cal in the way you want me to. I know that’s what you’re getting at.”

“You’re right. That’s what I’m getting at. Just promise me to take small steps towards letting yourself live and enjoying the good things in life more instead of always thinking something bad will happen if you let go.” I sighed. Then I gave in.

“Okay. Small steps. I can promise you that.”

And I could. Taking a chance on a man would be a big step, so I wasn’t lying.

“All right, honey. Love you.”

“Love you too.” I got up and kissed the top of her head before I left and went home.

*****

This day was going to be very long. Business was dragging today, which gave me too much time to think and get lost in the memories. Dredging everything up last night combined with waking up in a cold sweat this morning, had set me off balance. It was going to be one of those days where everything went wrong.

It started this morning when I got ready for work. I was standing in my closet and couldn’t decide what to wear. This annoyed me, because I would normally just grab the closest pair of clean jeans and a t-shirt and be on my way. But today, nothing I put on I liked. It either was the wrong colour or the wrong cut or it didn’t feel right.