Bent But Not Broken (2 page)

Another one seems okay for a while and then starts screaming the place down that spiders are all over her. She goes ballistic, scratching herself to get these imaginary spiders off her body. She gets a needle too. She goes missing for a day or so. Then it all happens again.

You see why I have to get out of here? Please convince Mum to let me out of here. I am really scared if I stay much longer I'll go crazy like the others.

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 6: 16/04/2014

Abigail continues to resist all attempts to connect with her. She stubbornly refuses to discuss anything with me in our individual sessions.

For example, I asked her how she finds the food.

'Okay,' was her reply.

'Will you tell me about your family?' I asked.

'No!' was her emphatic response.

'Will you tell me what sort of music you like?' I asked. This is usually a safe enough topic to open a conversation with a teenager.

'All sorts,' was all she would say. She was batting me away like a fly.

'What about your friends?' I asked. Desperate, but I was running out of cards.

'Why should I tell you about them?' she angrily said.

'Do you miss them? Anyone in particular?' I asked.

'Like I would tell you!' she spat.

She continued to pierce me like a bug with her glare. She was slouched over the couch as only a teenager can – lethargic while radiating antagonism. We continued to look at each other for quite some time. I was letting her know that I was not intimidated by her silence or her angst. Then she surprised me by asking a question.

'What is the needle?'

'It is simply a light sedative. We only use it when a patient cannot respond reasonably, or has lost control and becomes a threat to themselves or others,' I replied.

She looked at me like I was trying to trap her into some form of disclosure.

'You're full of shit!' she cried. 'You lot always tell us to stay away from drugs, but at the first chance you get you shoot us up!' she shouted.

'We only use it when we absolutely have to, Abigail,' I answered her challenge.

'Well I am not going to let you turn me into a crazy zombie!' she shouted.

Again the rest of our session was spent with Abigail impaling me with her fury, and me watching her placidly. It is important that she comes to realise that I am not afraid of her anger, or will be deflected by it.

She has been deeply hurt in some way, and will not readily trust anyone. I represent authority over her. So somewhat naturally she is resisting engaging with me. Perhaps she is afraid of some set of consequences that she has in her mind. Has she tried share the secret that she guards so closely at some point in her past, and it went badly for her?

I will continue the suicide watch overnight until next Monday. I will leave her in room 101 until I am confident that Abigail is responding to treatment.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

I am going out of my mind! There is no-one to talk to here. There is no-one who will tell me what's going on.

When I ask the nurses what drugs they make me take, they say the names but won't explain what they do or why I have to take them. They just say that Doctor Hobbit has ordered them, so I have to take them. I have tried to pretend to swallow them, but they catch me every time.

The first time I tried they made me stand in front of them with a glass of water, and wouldn't let me go and sit down until I had drunk the whole glass. So that didn't work. Now I'm getting smarter. I can hold the tablets in my cheek and still drink a glass of water. Ha! Getting rid of them later is a bit trickier. There are cameras and eyes everywhere. So dumping them in the toilet won't work. Now I pretend to cough. I cover my mouth, and mush the softened tablets in my hand. Pretty smart, huh?

See, your big sis is not mad. I just want to get the hell out of here!

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 7: 17/04/2014

It has been reported that Abigail has attempted to "cheek" her medications and I suspect she has been moderately successful with this manoeuvre. This could help to explain why Abigail has not shown any appreciable improvement in her mood.

I have ordered double dose of both medications, while keeping each to a single tablet.

She remains stubbornly silent in group therapy sessions – but I am sure that she is monitoring and assessing both the other patients and her surroundings.

I believe she is deeply traumatised. Her silence is a defence mechanism. She is determined not to share her secret. I wonder if she has tried to in her past, but this attempt did not resolve her situation.

In our individual sessions anger radiates off her in waves. She does not trust me, and deeply resents being in the facility. This is clear from the one question she asked today: 'Do you read what I write to Crystal?'

'No,' I answered her challenge. 'All patient correspondence is monitored by the nursing staff for signs of self-harming. If this is not indicated, I am not informed of the content of the letters.'

'Bullshit! Like I would believe you!' she spat. She spent the rest of the session glaring at me. I'm getting used to it.

I will have to change the venue for our individual sessions, as I sense she does not like being in my office.

However, until we see a steadying of her mood swings and a higher level of co-operation with the program, I will leave her in room 101.

I will maintain the suicide watch over the weekend. We will review this at the staff meeting next Monday.

Dr. Harry Nightingale.

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

Doctor Hobbit says I am lucky because I have a room on my own. Some of the crazies share a room. At least they can talk their crazy stuff to each other. And they are allowed to have personal items in their rooms. Okay, the mirrors are shiny metal, not glass. I get that. But they have pictures and curtains and books. Well, the least crazy ones do.

My room is like a prison cell. Everything is made of metal and bolted to the floor. The camera over the door watches all the time. I know 'cos I have seen the monitors in the nurses' station. The small pane in the door is reinforced with the same wire mesh as the windows.

I don't even have a light switch! They control the lights. I'm not allowed to have any books. When I asked Doctor Hobbit why not, he said we can talk about it. That's all he ever says. He won't tell me anything. What does he think I am going to do with a book? Eat it? I think he has trust issues.

All I am allowed to do is read magazines in the lounge room. They are complete crap. There is no TV or radio. They pump what they probably think is soothing music through the ward.

I am seriously going out of my mind, here. You have got to get me out!!!!!!!

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 8: 18/04/2014

I know that Abigail is aware of her surroundings. She is quietly watching and listening to the other patients. She still steadfastly refuses to connect with the staff or other patients.

'How are you feeling today, Abigail?' I tried to draw her out.

'As if you care!' she spat back.

'Actually, I do care, Abigail,' I responded calmly.

'Why? So you can keep your job?' was her sarcastic reply.

'Absolutely!' I laughed.

This surprised her. She looked at me like I was off the planet.

'I'm never going to tell you anything!' she said angrily. 'So you might as well let me out of here!' she shouted.

With this passionate statement she slumped back into the corner of the couch and stared at me defiantly.

She now readily makes eye contact with me – but this is in the form of a glower. It is a very good thing that I have my chainmail suit under my clothes, or I would be impaled by the venom of her glare.

I believe that Abigail has experienced a deep trauma, and is significantly depressed. She seems content to sit and do nothing at all in the lounge.

Abigail is obviously keeping a secret – one that she believes is so big that if she tells it, her world will collapse. She is deeply afraid.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

They watch me like hawks when I'm writing to you. I am given the pen and one page at a time to write on. What on earth do they think I'm going to do? Stab them with it? They take it back straight away as soon as I am finished. Maybe they think I'll eat the paper? I reckon they've spent too much time with seriously crazy girls and have learnt not to trust anyone. Sickos.

I know they read what I write but I can't be bothered with that any more. They have total control and I have to put up with it. So the hell with them all. You too, Doctor Hobbit! Do you want to know what I think of you? I think you're damaged. You keep on and on at me to talk to you in our counselling sessions. Why? Do you get off on what the crazy girls tell you? I am not going to tell you anything, ever. You repulse me. You say kind words but I know they are tricks of your trade. You pretend to care about me but I know you really just want to screw me. You are taking your time about it because you can't work out how to avoid the cameras. And I know you record every session. So you can get off later? Well, not with me! My experiences are my own. Not yours. Not for you to write up a chapter in some book about how you care for crazy girls. Not happening. You can keep me locked up, but I can keep my head locked up. So we're even.

Sorry, Crystal. Got into a bit of a rave there. At least you know how it is for me in here. I am not going to let them make me crazy. So you might as well get me out.

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 9: 21/04/2014

Staff reported that over the weekend Abigail wrote to her sister but otherwise kept her silence. She did not interact with the other patients. She continued to repel their overtures to include her in their activities. Her attitude is still extremely hostile and untrusting.

However she did attend to her personal hygiene without fuss.

Staff have supervised her medications closely, and are confident that she is taking the doses as prescribed.

She continues to glare at me in individual sessions – clearly viewing me as an enemy who is trying to "get into her head."

Abigail's moods swing from extreme anger and hostility to deep depression.

Abigail is clearly deeply traumatised. She is afraid of discussing anything, in case her secret somehow is exposed.

I suspect she has been sexually abused, possibly over an extended period of time. The cuts to her inner thighs and pubic area support this supposition.

Again I think a change of venue for our individual sessions will have a positive effect. However this idea must come from Abigail. Otherwise, she will view it as just another attempt to manipulate her.

Dr. Harry Nightingale.

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

You want to know the very worst thing about being in here? It's not being in a prison with a bunch of crazy girls. It's not knowing that I am being watched every minute of every day. It's not being controlled like a robot. The very worst thing about being in here is the group therapy sessions. These are – like everything else – compulsory.

The room they hold the group therapy sessions is just off the lounge. It's locked unless we are in it. It's not a big room. It's a bit like a portable at school. The only things in it are a bunch of plastic chairs and a little coffee table. It is painted in soft colours and there are no curtains. There are cushions, though. These are good for hugging and a bit of protection from the feeling of being so exposed by the circle of chairs. Sitting in the circle makes me feel like I am naked. I've noticed the crazies seem to sit in the same place every day. Doctor Hobbit has a trick. He moves his position around in the circle. So you never know if you are going to be next to him, opposite him or wherever. It's kind of freaky.

We are made to sit in the circle and listen to crazy shit from crazy girls. I reckon they make most of what they say up. I mean, really? One thinks if she has a period she will bleed to death. Another one is convinced she's had a baby and has to get home to look after it. She's thirteen, for God's sake! There's one who's orca fat who just flips her shit for no reason at all. She gets lots of needles. Not to forget Spider Girl. At least she's entertaining when she goes off.

I refuse to say a word. Why should I? They are all completely loony. Doctor Hobbit says I have to join in. That I have to start to share. Why? What right do they have to know what's happened to me? It's my stuff and it's private. I don't want them to know. While I keep it in my head they can't get me. So I don't say anything in group sessions. I know it pisses Doctor Hobbit off, and I'm glad about that. They might control everything else – but they can't make me talk. Now do you see why it's so awful in here? Please get me out!

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 10: 22/04/2014

Abigail continues to maintain her silent, challenging glare. I know that she is listening during group therapy. It's almost like she is trying to work out who's who in the zoo.

She is extremely strong willed, but does not realise that her silence is counter-productive. Until she speaks she will not begin the healing that she so desperately needs.

It saddens me that she is so very damaged. She thinks that if she keeps it all inside, she can somehow lock it away. What she does not realise is that such trauma, however deeply buried, will always be within her.

She has to learn to trust that she can speak about what has happened to her, and that she will not be disbelieved or dismissed. Is this the cause of her lack of trust in me, and by extension, all adults?