Bent But Not Broken (17 page)

'It is not that sort of residential care, Rachel,' Doctor Harry responded quietly. 'It's a special needs unit, staffed by trained people trained to care for those with disabilities,' he went on.

'Disability?' I was thinking. 'Why is he saying such a terrible thing about Kayla? She's not disabled! She just doesn't know what's food, and what isn't,' I was thinking. As usual, Suzy got there way ahead of me.

'Why are you saying disability?' Suzy demanded.

I was looking at Kayla. She had gone bright red, and had shrunk down as far as she could in her plastic chair. I got the feeling that she was wishing a hole would open up in the floor, so she could slide down it and disappear. I was wondering why Doctor Harry was being so cruel. Couldn't he see how she wasn't coping with all this attention?

'First things first, if that's okay with you Suzy?' he asked. 'I need to clear up what Rachel is talking about,' he said.

'Talking? Screaming like station rat!' was my sarcastic thought.

'The residences Rachel is referring to are for younger people whose behaviours have put them at high risk of hurting themselves or others,' he explained. Yeah, I had no problem imagining Mad Rachel in one of those!

'The residential care unit that Kayla will be living in is for people over eighteen who have a disability,' he went on. 'She has her own room, and will be able to take her cat to live with her,' he said.

I looked over at Kayla. She was smiling when he said that. But I was still worried. What if they didn't keep a good enough eye on her? What is she poisoned herself again? She could die!

It took a while for the "over eighteen" bit to sink in. Kayla was older than Suzy? I would never have thought that. Then I realised that because she was so quiet, I assumed she was young. Guess you never really know what's going on with quiet people.

'We have been to the unit and met the staff,' Doctor Harry went on for Kayla. 'It was Kayla's choice to go there. And I support her decision,' he said. He looked over at Kayla, and smiled. 'The unit has a very full program of activities during the week. One of the options Kayla wants is to continue her studies. This too will be supported by the specialist staff in the unit,' he finished.

I was watching Kayla's face when Doctor Harry was talking. She looked happy enough. She was smiling, though down at the floor. I knew she hated being the centre of attention. Definitely not her style. Suzy has no problem with that, though. She wasn't going to let Doctor Harry off the hook.

'You still haven't explained the disability thing!' she demanded. 'I think that's a rotten thing to say about Kayla!'

As usual, he answered the challenge with a question. 'Why are you so offended, Suzy?' he asked.

I was thinking about it too. Mum's friend Kath was a foster parent for disabled kids. Do you remember Sarah, Crystal? She was the one who was all bent and twisted. How shocked we were that she was twenty-five, but looked like she was a skinny twelve year old? Or the baby who was peg fed? That's what I call disabled! Not a bit like Kayla. I was starting to get angry. No way is she disabled! I mean she walks and talks just like everybody else. She's smart – not like that boy in your class who was so slow he had his own aide. I was about to have a dummy spit when Suzy got in ahead of me.

'Disabled is like in a wheel chair, or deaf, or just plain stupid!' Suzy said with feeling. 'That's not Kayla!' she almost shouted. She was pretty wound up about the disability tag.

'You are right as usual, Suzy,' Doctor Harry answered in his oh-so-reasonable voice. 'They are disabilities. But it's a big category. Can you think of any other disabilities?' he asked the whole group.

Jenny piped in. 'There was a blind kid in my school. He had a special teacher who read him stuff. And he had his own laptop! It was really clever,' she said. 'He only had to say the words and it did the writing for him,' she finished with a blush.

'Good, Jenny! Anything else?' he asked, and left us hanging. I had nothing but Mad Rachel pitched in.

'My friend has depression,' she said.

'That's such a good one to illustrate what I am going to tell you. Thank you Rachel,' he said. She beamed with his praise. She looked normal when she smiled. I was starting to wonder about her when Doctor Harry cut through my thoughts.

'Depression is an illness. It's like any other time you get sick. If you get the right treatment, you can get better,' he said. He looked around the circle, checking that we understood what he was saying.

'What? Are you saying depression is like getting the 'flu or something?' Suzy challenged again.

'Yes. Mental illness is just like a physical illness. It can be treated and the person can be healthy again,' he explained.

I was sort of on this one. I know I have been depressed and anxious. But I do think I am getting better. 'Or am I fooling myself?' I wondered, not for the first time. It's easy to think you're getting better in here. Crazy as it sounds, this place is kind of safe. I don't have to worry about a lot of stuff in here – like friends or schoolwork or boyfriends.

'But we have to take meds,' Suzy pushed on. 'Doesn't that mean that we are all sick?' she pressed.

'Sick is not one of my favourite words, Suzy, as you know,' Doctor Harry gently countered. 'But as usual, you are spot on!' he said with a smile to her. I think he was trying to make her feel better about being told off.

'It's a bit simple, but the main difference between a disability and an illness – whether it's a physical or a mental illness – is that an illness can be medicated.' Again he worked his way around the circle, checking if we were getting what he was saying. I wasn't sure in my mind. I was thinking about Kath's disabled foster kids. They had medications. It was starting to get all tangled up when Doctor Harry started speaking again.

'Some illnesses are disabling, and some disabilities can be helped with medication. The key difference between an illness and a disability is that a disability cannot be "fixed" (here he did the quote thing with his fingers) by medication.'

I was getting really confused. And like always, when I feel stupid I come out swinging. Yeah, I know. Completely out of character!

'So why are you calling Kayla disabled?' I demanded. 'I think that's really mean!

Doctor Harry looked at Kayla. 'Do I have your permission to explain?' he asked her gently. She didn't look up. She nodded. I saw that she was crying silently.

She was hating this! 'Why won't he leave her alone?' I thought angrily.

'Pica is a condition that is very common in toddlers,' he began. Now Kayla was really crying. I think she was so embarrassed, being compared to a toddler!

'I am sure you have all seen little children eat substances that are not food,' he went on, regardless. I couldn't stand watching Kayla cry, so I was looking at the others. Everyone, even Mad Rachel, was nodding. He let us think for a minute.

I was remembering the story Aunty Mary told us one Christmas about when cousin Liam was little. She said that he would crawl over to the dog bowls and rip into the tinned food that Aunty Mary was feeding them. She said that she had to give up on the canned food, because she was afraid it would make Liam sick. She switched to dry dog pellets. But Liam nearly choked, so she had to give the dogs mini pellets until Liam got over it. I pissed myself laughing when she was telling that story over Christmas lunch!

'My little sister used to eat our chalks,' Jenny said. 'It used to make me so cross!' We all laughed. I had an image of Jenny trying to draw on the concrete path, and a toddler munging away on the end of the chalk.

'Thank you, Jenny,' Doctor Harry said. 'I can see that you have all experienced the terrors of toddlers!' he joined in the laughing. At least Kayla had stopped crying.

'Pica is when a person does not know what is food, and what is not food. It is not unusual for a toddler to eat dirt; animal feed; chalk or plants,' he said. 'They learn by their parents' reactions. Usually the child moves on to more annoying behaviours,' he said.

Again we laughed. I think we were remembering some of the stuff our little brothers and sisters had gotten up to. Not you, of course, Crystal. You were always perfect. Take my word for it. I'm your big sister and I'm in a loony bin!

But there's no stopping Suzy when she's on a mission. 'So you are saying that this is what Kayla has?' she asked.

'Can we go on, Kayla?' he asked gently. She nodded, still staring at the floor.

'Yes. It is a disability. Fortunately a person with this particular disability can be helped to learn to differentiate between what is food, and what is not food. The staff in the unit that Kayla is going to live in are specialists with this disability. I am quite confident that Kayla will do very well in their care,' he said.

Again he gave us a few minutes to think our thoughts. I like that about him. He gives me time to get stuff sorted in my head. It's not like at school where the teachers rush from one thing to the next, leaving some of the kids behind.

Doctor Harry did his sweep around the circle, checking each of us in turn. I was watching too. Everyone except Kayla seemed okay. That is to say, no-one had their eyes rolling back in their heads or were frothing at the mouth. Who ever really knows what's going on in someone else's head?

'Do you want to say goodbye now?' he asked Kayla so gently. She was still staring at the floor. It took an age before she got up and started to go around the circle giving each of us a hug. When she got to Jenny she gave the doll a hug too. That was kind.

'I am going to miss you, Kayla,' I said when she got to me. With that she burst into tears again. Loud, sobbing tears. A nurse helped her out of the room. Boy did I feel like a shit! Jenny was crying softly. Even Suzy looked sad.

'I think that will do for today,' Doctor Harry said quietly.

I am writing this after lights out. Suzy and I are allowed to have our lights on as long as we like. I don't know if this privilege is because we are the oldest, or because we are well behaved. Can't worry about that one right now. I'm still thinking about what Suzy said to me a while ago.

'You know you saved Kayla from something that could have been really difficult?' she asked me.

'What the hell are you talking about? I made her cry and I feel terrible!' I said.

'Yeah, yeah. Whatever,' she said. 'You got her out before she had to hug Mad Rachel!' was her reply.

I hadn't thought of that.

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 43: 6/06/2014

Today I tried to lead Abigail towards her deeper secret. It cannot only be the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her step-father. As terrible as this was, there had to be more.

'You know that cognitive behaviour therapy helps form new ways of thinking about things, Abigail,' I opened.

'Like counselling ever did anyone any good!' she replied angrily.

'Did you tell the school counsellor what was happening at home?' I asked.

'Yeah! And all hell broke loose!' she shouted.

'What happened?' I asked, with a sickening premonition.

'She told the Year 8 Coordinator, who told the Vice Principal, who told my home group teacher and then they told Mum,' she said.

With this, Abigail burst into tears. 'She promised me what we said was confidential! Liars, all of them!' she cried.

'Most things a student talks about with a school counsellor are held in confidence, Abigail. But some things students disclose trigger a mandatory report,' I added.

'If I'd known what would happen I would have kept my big mouth shut!' she said bitterly.

'I can understand that you feel the system let you down, Abigail.'

'System! System! Ha! There was no system! Just me getting sliced up in a different way!' she shouted.

'Can you tell me what happened?' I asked gently.

'It was terrible, that's what happened!'

'I can guess. But how about you tell me, so that I don't get it wrong?' I prompted.

Abigail stared at me with undiluted hatred. But I knew it wasn't me she was seeing. She was remembering this awful interaction.

'They got Mum up to school for a meeting. I saw them go into the conference room. They were all there: the counsellor, my form teacher and the Vice Principal. As well there was this woman I didn't know. She had red lipstick and big earrings and smiled a lot. Like she was happy to be there. All of them against me,' she said is a small voice.

'Why did you feel that they were all against you, Abigail?' I asked.

'I could hear them talking while I had to sit at the door – like a naughty child!' she said angrily.

'What happened then?' I prompted.

'I couldn't look at any of them, especially Mum. She was so angry! I could feel it right across the table,' she replied. The pain was clear in her voice.

'The lady with the red lipstick started it all off. She said I had made some very serious accusations that needed to be discussed,' Abigail said. 'I still didn't look at any of them. How could I? They knew the very worst thing about me. I was so ashamed,' she whispered.

Again I forced her along: 'That must have been very difficult for you. What happened then?'

'The bitch asked me point blank if it was true!' was the angry reply. 'What was I supposed to say to that? Yes, it's true – I'm a slut? Or no, I made it up?' she spat.

'So what did you say?' I asked softly.

'I said I made it up!' she shouted. 'What choice did I have? They weren't going to believe me anyway!'

'Why did you think they wouldn't believe you?' I persisted.

'Why would they? I was just a kid. Everyone knows kids lie,' she said.

'What happened after the meeting?'

'The lipstick lady said, "We are done here, I think." With that the Vice Principal said I should go home for the rest of the day.'

'Did you go home with your mother?' I asked.

'Yeah. In silence. She was so angry! It was like she was red hot. I thought she was going to kill us both, she was driving so badly,' Abigail said.