Bent But Not Broken (10 page)

I don't know, Crystal. She says she's done with the anorexic thing. But in here it's easy to be confident. We've got meds and nurses and a structured life. Out there we have to cope on our own. It scares me. I guess I've gotten used to it in here. What if I am not fixed when I come out? Is what I am now what I am going to be forever? How will I even know if I'm fixed? I am scared that how I feel now is how I will always feel. Which is not good.

Sorry. Should be happy, being in with Suzy. At least Kayla is back from hospital. She's been put in my old room. I'm just on a bit of a downer, I suppose.

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 34: 26/05/2014

Today Abigail exhibited signs of great anxiety. This is to be expected as she moves towards disclosure.

She opened our session with an excellent question: 'How will I know if I am better?'

'You will feel strong and confident,' I replied.

'That's pretty easy in here. But what about when I get out?' she asked.

'It is hard to see it yet, Abigail. But you can be all that you want to be,' I said.

She looked at me skeptically. 'I have to tell, don't I?' she asked in a small voice.

'As soon as you do, you will take control of your demons. They will no longer have power over you.'

Abigail thought about this statement for a few minutes. I watched as she struggled to come to a decision: trust me, or not?

'I didn't really want to die,' she said quietly. 'I just couldn't see any way out.'

'Why don't you tell me? Just start. It will get easier as you go along,' I suggested.

'I don't know how to start,' she said. 'It's all tangled up and blurry.'

'How old were you when your mother got her new boyfriend?' I asked.

Abigail reeled back as though she had been slapped.

'How did you know?'

'I have known from the start, Abigail. So nothing you can say will shock me,' I replied.

She looked down at her hands, her fingers twining and clasping like snakes. Then she took a deep breath, and looked straight at me.

'He started going out with Mum when I was in Year 7,' she said.

'Did you like him at first?' I asked.

'Yeah, he really had me fooled!' came her angry reply. 'He made such a fuss of us all. He took us out lots. Dinners. Movies. All the stuff that we never had. He took us shopping for clothes, and let us buy whatever we wanted. He didn't even check the prices. It was like a never-ending Christmas,' she said.

'That must have been great for you and Crystal,' I commented.

'I felt like Cinderella, and I know Crystal did too. We had so much stuff, and he spent so much money on us. It was like we were in a wonderful dream,' she said.

'How did he treat your mother?' I asked.

'The same. He showered her in jewellery and flowers and stuff like that. He made us all feel so special.'

'Do you think your mother fell in love with him?' I asked.

'We all did. He was kind and gentle and gave us stuff. What more could we ask for? Mum was smiling and happy all the time. I guess that's when I realised that she had been sad since Dad left,' she replied.

'What happened then?' I prompted.

'He bought a lovely house near our little dump, and we moved in.'

'What was this house like?' I asked.

'It was wonderful! It was huge. There were two living rooms, so he set the back one up as a rumpus room for me and Crystal. He put in a PlayStation and a big plasma TV, and a wicked surround sound system. It was great! And we had our own rooms again, like before, but better.'

'Better how?' I asked.

'Our rooms were really big, and we each had an ensuite. And we were allowed to choose our colours. I had mine painted in blues, and Crystal did hers in pink,' she replied.

'I bet your friends liked coming to your new house,' I said.

'They sure did! We had lots of movie nights and games nights and sleepovers. And I didn't tell you the best bit – it even had pool in the back yard! Fabulous!'

'One thing before we finish today, Abigail. Can you say his name?'

Again Abigail's fingers started to entwine. She looked down at them like they did not belong to her. Then she let out a long sigh. 'I don't want to,' she eventually replied.

'That's fine. You will when you are ready. I am proud of you, Abigail. You have begun your journey back. It took great courage. I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am of you.'

With that, Abigail burst into tears, and cried all the way back to the ward. Before we entered the building she seemed to stall. I waited. She dried her face, took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. When she was ready we entered the lounge together.

Abigail has taken the first steps towards her recovery.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

Doctor Hobbit's name is really Doctor Harry. I am starting to trust him. For one thing, he has kept his word about getting us a teacher in here. Her name is Mrs. Boulton, but asked us to call her Dianne. She's really old and a bit lumpy. She's got short curly hair that is mostly grey. She wears nice clothes and flat shoes. It's been a while since I've seen anyone dressed like a normal person. We hang out in trackies and tees or shorts, depending on the weather. The nurses wear tunics with patterns, like the women at the dentists'. The orderlies wear these loose sorts of trousers and tops, but they are always in white.

Dianne told us she retired from teaching secondary school a couple of years ago, and was happy to be with us because she was getting bored being at home. She said she was allowed to come into the ward once a week, but because she wasn't a medical person there would have to be an orderly in with the room while she was with us. She also told us that she was required by Doctor Harry to write a reflection every week on how we were going. As always, a condition!

She was telling us this in the lounge, where we were lolling about on the couches or bean bags. I was just wondering how we could do work without tables and chairs – you know, like a proper classroom – when she said Doctor Harry would open a special room for us. We are going to have our very own classroom! I know it must sound stupid to you, Crystal, but after a while you get sick of not using your brain to learn new stuff.

While she was talking with us the orderlies cleared the big table in the lounge. It's usually covered in crap like magazines and board games. We watched, not knowing what was going on.

'It will take me a while to work out what you want to learn, and how to go about it,' she said. 'So today I have brought you a challenge.'

With a flourish she pulled a jigsaw out of her huge shoulder bag. I reckon I could live for a week from such a big bag.

'How about we set ourselves a goal for today?' she asked. 'We have two hours together. Let's see if we can complete this puzzle in time.'

I don't know if she'd been worded up by Doctor Harry, because it was a beautiful picture of kittens singing. Sounds weird, I know. The picture wasn't a cartoon. It was real kittens. Must have been photo-shopped, I suppose. It had a kitten conducting the others as choir. There was only the back of its head, with is paws raised. All the other kittens had their mouths wide open – just like they were really singing. It was set on a stage with purple curtains draped on either side. These had sparkly stars and were tied back with heavy ropes. So they were difficult too. It looked a lot more than five hundred pieces when Dianne scattered them all over the table. I didn't think we could do it in just two hours!

We all pulled chairs up to the table like we do for meals. We started getting the pieces the right way up. Dianne joined in, which made me feel better. You know I hate it when people watch me do stuff.

Once all the pieces were face up, we kind of came to a stop. No-one knew what to do next, and no-one was prepared to take the lead. Dianne sat back and waited. A bit like Doctor Harry does. Maybe they went to the same shrink school? After a while Suzy started to get us all organised.

'Beth, why don't you try to get all the edge bits?' she asked. That got her busy.

'Jen, we need your sharp eyes to find the corners, okay?' I was gob smacked! Jenny propped her doll on a chair, and started combing through the pieces with both hands. What a breakthrough! She can put the doll down if she has a good enough reason.

'I'll try for the curtains,' I said, knowing it would be hard.

'I'm going for the mouths,' Kayla said. Bit of a no-brainer, that one.

'Tam, how about we try to sort the kittens out?' Suzy said.

Suddenly we all had purpose. Pieces of jigsaw were flying around the table as we found the bits we needed. Soon we had piles in front of each of us. But it was still hard to make them work. The edge happened pretty quickly, and Jenny got the corners in. She stopped and picked up her doll again.

'I am trying to get this white kitten sorted out,' Dianne said to Jenny. 'I could really use your help.'

I could see that Jenny was challenged by this. She wasn't sitting anywhere near Dianne. She would have to move from her favourite spot at the table, and move her doll as well. We all pretended we weren't watching and waiting to see if Jenny could cope. Then she surprised us all! She moved her chair and we all shuffled around a bit so that she could squeeze in next to Dianne. She put her doll in her lap, and started sorting the white pieces out. Soon she and Dianne had made the kitten, and worked out roughly where it went in the picture.

I had a huge pile of the curtains, and wasn't getting anywhere. Suzy and Beth started to help me and before too long they too were made. At least they joined up with the edges, so it gave us a real sense that we were getting somewhere. There was a buzz around the table as the jigsaw started to take shape. Every time someone got a few pieces to fit together there was whooping and high fives. In the end we completed the jigsaw in less than the two hours. We were really happy. We felt like we had achieved something. We were grinning and chattering away like birds. Even Dianne looked pleased.

'Well done, all of you!' she said with a grin. I could tell she liked to smile.

'Do you know why we did this today?' she asked.

We fell quiet with that. Always with the analysis! Why can't something just be for the hell of it?

'Any ideas, anyone?' she persisted.

Suzy spoke up. 'To see if we can work as a team,' she said.

'Exactly right, Suzy,' she replied. 'And to have a bit of fun, of course!' she added.

'I also wanted to have a chance to get to know you a little bit,' she explained. 'When you went to school you were with kids your own age. In here that's not the case. So we will have to be flexible and be willing to help each other if this is going to work,' she said.

She smiled at each of us in turn. But strangely, her smile didn't feel like being impaled on a stick – like when Doctor Harry works us over with his eyes. She seemed genuine, rather than manipulative like most teachers.

'Can you give me an idea of what you want to learn?' she asked.

Again, we were quiet. We're not used to being asked what we want.

'Nothing to do with spiders!' Beth stated adamantly.

'Okay – no spiders,' was the simple reply.

'I want to learn how to write essays,' Suzy said.

'I want to learn more maths,' I added. Sick, I know. But this is a loony bin.

Dianne looked at Jenny. 'I don't know,' she answered the unspoken question.

'Neither do I,' Tamara said.

'I want to learn how to cook,' Kayla threw in. I guess that fits with her whole eating thing.

'I won't ever lie to you girls,' Dianne said. 'There is no way we can get into the kitchens, Kayla. But how about I try to think up another way?'

I have no idea how she's going to pull that one off. I like Dianne. I don't think she's full of shit. She didn't once let on that she thought she was with a bunch of crazy girls. She spoke to us like we were real people. Let's wait and see what she brings in her bag next week.

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 35: 27/05/2014

I did not want to seem to press Abigail today. Yesterday's session was a major breakthrough. But I did have to consolidate this progress. I let her take the lead.

'What would you like to talk about today, Abigail?' I asked.

'I dunno,' came her reply. She was scrunched up in the corner of her chair, the cushion back in place as protection.

'Do you like Dianne?' I asked.

Immediately Abigail's face brightened and became animated.

'She's much nicer than most of the teachers I have ever known,' came her reply.

'How so?'

This seemed to stop Abigail. She thought for some moments before replying.

'She treated us like we were people, not kids who had to be controlled every second,' she said.

'Is that how your teachers at school used to treat you?' I asked.

'Damn straight!' was her emphatic response. 'Especially with me. I didn't put up with crap and I didn't let them lord it over me!'

'I bet that got you into lots of trouble at school,' I said.

'It was like they couldn't stand a kid who wouldn't just bow down before them,' she replied. 'So yeah, I got my fair share of detentions.'

'Did they ever get your mother up to the school to discuss your attitude?' I asked.

'They gave up after a while. Anyway, Mum was busy with…' she petered out.

'You can say his name, Abigail. He can't hurt you anymore,' I stated gently.

'How can you say that?' she demanded. 'It's always in my head!' was her angry response.

'And that is where he is hurting you, Abigail. In your head. Once you get him out in the open, we can take away his power over you.'

Abigail had jammed herself back into the corner of the chair. I waited. Obviously naming her abuser was a huge challenge for her. But without a name, he stays a shadow in Abigail's consciousness. Naming him reduces him from the ever-present spectre to just a person.