Being Jolene (8 page)

“Jolene,” I said, trying to get to her, find her in whatever mess was in her mind. She wasn’t paying attention as she leaned down and took me in for a heated kiss. God, it was so fucking hard to pull away from her at this point. Each kiss was better than the last.

I pushed her away, gently. “Jo,” I said more firmly, gripping her waist.

She stopped and looked at me. Really looked at me.

“What,” she said, with almost of a bite in her tone, but it was so subtle I couldn’t really tell.

“What’s going on?” I asked her, pleading with her. There had to be something going on, because she had sworn this wouldn’t happen and yet here we were, on the brink of sleeping together. Again.

“Nothing.”

“I don’t believe you.” I didn’t. Not for a second. It was true, I didn’t know Jolene that well, but I knew something was wrong.

“You don’t know me,” was her response.

I shook my head. “You’re right, I don’t know you all too well. But I have this feeling this isn’t what you want. Jo, you told me as much yourself. Why are we half naked in your bed?”

And that was the point when she started to shake. I could feel it but her eyes were trying to stay strong. She wasn’t fooling me though. “It’s okay,” I told her as I ran my hands up her arm. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”

Jo had a tough exterior; her strength was a barrier and I knew, I just knew deep down, she rarely, if ever, let people in.

“Jo, you can talk to me,” I told her, trying to take down her wall. Her bottom lip started to quiver and her body was still shaking. I almost felt bad I kept pushing, but she had to get it out, whatever it was.

“Jo . . .” I said again, to keep talking to let her know I was here and I wasn’t going away. “Jo-” this time she didn’t let me finish as she collapsed, half naked, into my arms. The shaking didn’t stop but I could feel her tears on my chest. All I wanted to do was soak up her tears and her hurt, replacing it with joy or really anything besides the sadness she was experiencing right now. It was strange this feeling I had for her. It had been a long time since I had ever had feelings like this. The last time didn’t turn out as well.

I ran my hand over her back, sweeping my fingers through her hair. I had another image in my mind of when I would able to do this, have my hands in her lush hair. Needless to say, it didn’t involve tears, but this wasn’t the first time I had a female crying in my arms, for an array of reasons.

I turned on my side and cradled Jolene in my arms, soothing her but I was really there for her to feel a body, to know she wasn’t alone.

Finally I heard her speak. “Sorry.”

Only one word but it cut through me. Apologizing for crying on me? For me seeing it? I didn’t want her to be sorry. It didn’t feel right for her to tell me sorry. God, I wish I knew what was running through her head right now.

“Shhh,” I told her as I held her tighter. A part of me never wanted to let go, knowing I was witness to a side of Jo I bet many never saw.

“This day,” she started and then stopped, like she was trying to get the courage to speak.

“Tell me about it,” I told her, almost begging her.

“The past didn’t stay in the past today,” she replied.

I knew how that was. My past was there every day. My past filled almost every one of my thoughts. All of my actions from today were because of my past.

“It never does,” I said to her. All I wanted to do was kiss each tear away, but I knew it wasn’t the right thing. This wasn’t anything sexual; this was only me holding this gorgeous woman who had a day that was too much. We all had those. We all dealt with our past.

“I try hard to fight it.” Her words sounded harsh, like she was in survival mode. “I can’t let anyone in.” Then her bloodshot eyes met mine. “I can’t let you in.” There was so much conviction in her words. She thought those were words were the truth and nothing would change it. It was what kept her safe. Those walls she put up and the distance she put between people; she thought those were her safety nets.

I wasn’t going to disagree with her.

No, I was going to prove her wrong.

I would keep her safe. Even if it was from afar. Even if she didn’t know it, but at that moment I knew I had to do it.

“Just let it all out,” I whispered to her. Her tears seemed endless and I settled in, pulling her up and close to me, having her rest her read in the crook of my shoulder.

We fell asleep like that.

It was right, even when Jo thought her world was wrong.

Deep down, it was right.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Jolene

“This evening I ventured out for a stroll. I was lost after only a short time. The trees all look the same, and I became disoriented. Right when I thought I was finding my way back home, I found that it was wrong, not quite the right path.”- From the diary of Maggie Brown, July 1981

There was a knock on the door. Two nights ago when there was a knock on the door, I had a breakdown only wearing my underwear on top of Ty. It was embarrassing to say the least. When I woke up the next morning, Ty was gone and there was a note on the crumpled pillow next to me. In handwriting that was smooth and easy to read it said,
Don’t forget-one step in front of another.

There was no signature, but I knew who it was from. I remembered the words I spoke, how I pushed him away but he kept holding on. And the tears? I couldn’t believe I had cried. I never cried. The last time I had cried was five years ago and it was alone after the horrible ordeal I had gone through. Alone seemed to be the only way to be.

More knocking brought me back to the present.

I was a little nervous to open the door again. I lived out in the middle of nowhere, on the edge of the woods. I didn’t understand why where people still knocking on my door.

“Jolene.” Lately, countless people had slayed me with simply my name. Each reaction was a little different. From Troy calling my name and feeling my heart plummet, to Ty saying my name and heart racing. The man currently calling my name? The feeling was somewhere in-between Troy and Ty. Even though I knew who it was, I swung open the door and found myself slightly disappointed that in front of me was not the dark haired bearded man that kept sneaking into my thoughts. No, I was now questioning why this man was on my front porch.

“Caleb? What are you doing here?”

He gave me his signature half smile and shrugged his shoulders. “I was in the neighborhood. Thought I would stop by.”

I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms.

He shrugged again.

Yeah know what? I wasn’t going to ask questions. Instead I took a step aside and let him in. There was a part of me that would always let Caleb in. I didn’t know if it would always be sexual, but he was part of my life in one way or another.

“Nice place you got here. Kind of small, but cozy,” he said as he looked around.

“I don’t need a lot.”

He nodded his dark blonde head. “Yeah, I think it might even be a little bigger than your apartment in Boise.”

Caleb was right; I practically lived in a shoebox in Boise.

“Do you want something to drink?” I asked him, because why not. I didn’t think this week could get any more bizarre, but guess I was wrong.

“Sure, a beer please.” I went to the fridge to grab a beer. I handed it to him and he gave me a small smile. Caleb was one of the smartest people I had ever met. He was about to start his second year in his decorate program. School for him was his escape. Well, one of his escapes. Mine was sex. We all had our vices.

We both sat on the small couch, a beer in hand and silently drank them. I didn’t know what to say honestly. Him showing up out of the blue had again, left me off my game. This place was bad for my game.

I looked at Caleb, his boyish hair and his soft blue eyes. We had been sleeping together for over a year, I knew all the parts of him, inside and out. The soft and hard parts, the parts no one saw. And here he sat, even when I was not in his world anymore.

I had left him. He was smart enough to figure it out. Plus he knew me. It was strange, the relationship I had with him. We had amazing sex together and we spent the rest of the time talking about our fucked up pasts. It should have had made sense, but it didn’t.

Caleb, besides June, was really the only person who knew me. In the short time I knew him, we had been each other’s sounding board. So him sitting here? Knowing I got scared and left and probably even knowing the reason behind it. Well, that left me with nothing to say.

I sat my beer down and leaned over to him, lifting my knees on the couch. I laid my right arm on the back of the couch and played with the ends of his hair, the dark blonde hair slightly curled at the end.

He took a large swig of his beer, and then held it in his hands as he picked off small pieces of the label.

“I missed you,” he told me.

“I know,” I replied.

“I can’t miss you.”

I sighed. “I know.”

We both knew.

More silence. More of me playing with his hair. He finished his beer and then leaned over to me.

I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t a quick fix. I was only human.

Those were the things I told myself as I leaned in and met Caleb’s mouth. Those were the things I shouted in my head as I kissed Caleb, when I wished it were Ty. Sometimes I hated myself. I hated how I sought out the touch of someone, a lifeline in my cold heart.

Caleb kissed me back and pulled me closer to him. I needed to be lost. As I straddled Caleb and took his shirt off in one motion, I told myself it was only an hour or two. I would only get lost for a short amount of time.

I needed this, was my next thought as I took my shirt off and unclipped my bra.

As Caleb’s warm hands splayed over my breasts, rubbing his thumb over my nipple, I went to that place where the only thing I knew was touch. I turned off my mind. I turned off the thoughts running through my mind. I turned it all off.

It turned into a blurred image of hands moving over bare skin. Heated wet kisses and touches that brought your skin alive.

A little later, as Caleb entered me, I felt for just a second, that everything could be solved. As long as I trusted what I knew, this right here and right now, things would be okay. I could always fall back on this.

“Jolene,” Caleb said in my ear as I moved up and down over him. My name felt wrong on his lips. It should have been deeper. It should had been a voice saying “Jo” with a barely there beard that tickled my skin as his heated breath spoke into my neck, sending arrows of sizzling feeling up my whole body. Thoughts of our night against the bar, outside with only the stars to witness us, filled my head and I hated myself right then. To be with one man, but to be thinking of another. How fucked up was I?

I pushed the thought away and focused on the motion of Caleb and I together. I knew what worked with us. I had to keep telling myself that, repeating the words in my head to block out the image of Ty.

I took advantage of the words repeating in my head as I slowly moved up and down, swiveling my hips at the same time and slowly building the fire inside me, bringing me to the point where I would be completely gone, lost in another world.

Only a moment I was looking for. I needed that one moment of release to keep me going. As Caleb pushed up fiercely and I moved my hips, I finally found that moment. It was sweet and hot and melted over me, in me, through me. I let out my breath, closing my eyes and finding that blissful moment where nothing existed except for raw nerves full of fire as it swept through my body.

And then it all went away, reality crashing into me in waves of harsh light and sound and every feeling I was trying to escape. Every face I was trying to erase from my mind.

I opened my eyes to find Caleb beneath me, his breathing heavy after his release. We breathed together, finding balance.

But then I ruined it, the balance we only had for a moment. I watched it slip through my fingers as I said, “Why are we so wrong for each other?” I whispered it to him, framing his face with my hands, sweeping his hair out of his eyes.

It was the touch of lover. The words though, they were for two people who knew the truth but didn’t want to admit it or let go of the little they had.

We were still connected and Caleb kissed me softly on my collarbone. He was so sweet and I was so cold. We were a mismatched pair of heartache and loss. “Together, I think we’re too broken,” Caleb told me. We both knew it was true, but he didn’t want to believe it.

I had nothing to say to it. I didn’t know how to fix it. Which was pretty much the theme of my life. If I couldn’t fix it, I moved on. It was better that way. I lifted up and kissed him on the top of his head, then walked over to the bathroom.

As I came back, I found Caleb dressed and looking out the window. June had told me about the night he barged on them, crazed and upset over the loss of a girl he loved but never had, not really, not in the way he wanted. Fully and truthfully, I felt for him. I understood loving someone and never having that love given back. I didn’t know if it hurt more if it was a parent or a lover. Did it really matter? Loving someone as they hurt you, it devastated you regardless.

“I’m sorry I left,” I told Caleb.

He spun around and shifted with his back leaning against the window. He smiled at me. “No you’re not. You’re not sorry. I should have known it was a mistake. Even entertaining the thought of us together, like a real couple, would send you off running into the hills.” He looked to the side and outside of the window. “Literally, I might add.”

I laughed quietly. “Why are you really here?” I asked him. Curiosity had gotten the best of me.

“My friend invited me up and we went backpacking.”

Oh son of a bitch.

“Ty?” I squeaked out.

Caleb gave me a confused look. “Yeah? How do you know him? Well, never mind, it’s such a small town that I am not at all surprised you met him. Did he mention me or something?”

Apparently Caleb never knew about the apartment meeting a couple months back.

“Lucky guess,” I mumbled.

Caleb turned his head and narrowed his eyes. “Jolene. Come on”