Being Jolene (21 page)

“It’s nice to meet you.” Ty was a charmer. He smiled at my dad but held my hand, making she he wasn’t too far away. All this time my mother was sitting in the living room with her head peeking out of the curtains.

“Jolene. Can you give your mom five minutes, for me? After that I don’t care if you don’t ever talk to her again.” How could I say no to the plea in my dad’s eyes? I wanted to let go of Ty’s hand and walk in there with my head held high, showing my mother I was over all this, that she couldn’t hurt me. But I couldn’t let go. If anything I gripped Ty’s hand tighter.

For the first time in maybe forever, I knew I didn’t have to do this by myself. I was alone when I collapsed from my miscarriage. I was alone when my mother left us for the second time and my dad couldn’t come out of his guilt and sorrow. I made it so I was alone in my life, with how I treated my friends and how I went about the men I used. I was alone because it felt safer. Protecting myself was the ultimate goal. By never letting anyone in, they couldn’t hurt me.

I had let Ty in. Or maybe he let himself in, but I wasn’t resisting anymore. When I walked back into the house I did with my hand holding Ty. It felt right, scary, but right.

My mother rushed up to me but before she could hug me, I put up my hand to stop her. “I don’t know what your deal is. Why you keep sending your step son to me or why you are sitting here.”

“Who is this?” she asked me, avoiding the statement I had made. I took her in, really took her in, and found that she was looking old, even though she was only twenty when she had me. Life had taken its toll on her. Well, life had taken its toll on me too and I wasn’t feeling too sympathetic. I knew the emotion over her face, the sadness I had seen over and over again as she apologized for leaving, for forgetting to take me to art classes or for play dates, that sadness didn’t have an effect on me anymore, as cruel as that sounded.

“This is Ty, though really it isn’t any of your business. Your business is apparently with me, which is why you decided to call dad and get him involved. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m sure Troy told you I was sick?”

I nodded. Her eyes were big and she kept blinking, like she was expecting me to fall at her feet and tell her I loved her and all was forgiven. Instead, I stood there, waiting to hear what she had to say next.

Her eyes went back and forth between Ty and I, her hands clasped together. “Well, they aren’t sure they know exactly what’s going on. They’re still doing tests, but I don’t think it’s good. Who knows how long I have.”

I tried to not roll my eyes. “Are your saying doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong with you but you’re going to die?” It sounded ridiculous. Maybe that was cruel of me, but it was sad that I didn’t trust anything that came out of this women’s mouth.

“They’re still working on it, JoJo.”

“Please don’t call me that.” I was over that nickname.

My mother shrunk back as I snapped at her. “I just want my little girl back.” Tears brimmed her eyes. I sighed, because I was seeing that my mother wasn’t sane. I was sure there was something wrong with her, but I didn’t know if it was a life threatening disorder she was making it out to be. I think she needed help more along the lines of mental health.

“I’m not a little girl anymore,” I told her.

“No, no you’re not. I wish I could have been there.” For a second, really only a blink of an eye, I saw truth in my mother’s words. Maybe she did feel regret, but it was too little too late by now.

“Anyways, I wanted to fix it. I’m here to tell you that my husband and I are moving to Switzerland, because they have better doctors there.”

And that moment was gone. Switzerland? But oh no, she didn’t stop there when she said, “I want you to come with me. Give me another chance.”

I was already shaking my head no before she even finished her statement. “Are kidding me?”

“No! This is not a joke. Something is wrong with me and I need help.” That I couldn’t argue. I think it was that moment I understood Ty’s words. This woman might be my mother, but she wasn’t the most capable parent. She hurt me over and over again and it was time to let it all go. She would never change, even if I wanted her to with all my heart. Some people got handed the shit end of the deal and it was time to make the best of it. It was more than time to find my happy.

“I’m sorry, but I will not move with you. It’s hard to say, but when you left the second time, it was the last.”

My mother started to cry, holding her head in her hands. I looked at Ty, who stood by my side for every minute of that craziness. He kissed me on the forehead, his scruffy beard tickling me. It was comforting; it was more love I ever felt than what I felt from my mother.

“I think it’s time for you to leave Sherry.” This came from my dad behind me. He walked around Ty and I and grabbed her elbow, leading her out of the house.

I watched my dad put my mother in the car she had driven here. He leaned down and said something to her in the car, which she only shook her head to. My dad sighed but stood up, patted the top of the car and walked away.

Later in life, I would find out that this was the last time I would see my mother. She did move to Switzerland, crazy enough, but she lived a long life without interaction from me. I watched her drive away and saw the door to my sad teenage years close. It was time to heal from it all, I had given her too much of my sadness.

***

I packed the last of my bag at my apartment. Hannah would be back tonight and I was set to work tomorrow. I glanced around at the small apartment, seeing hints of Hannah here and there, but most everything I needed was either with me or in my cabin.

“What you thinking about?” Ty asked as he grabbed the last of his stuff out of the bathroom.

“Take me home,” I said before I could think. “Take me back to the mountains. I miss my cabin and my cat.” I had left Sir Cupcake in the very capable hands of Clara.

Ty smiled, “My pleasure.”

We were in the car and off in a matter of minutes. An hour later, we were in the middle of the drive, deep in the woods. The two-hour drive was without cell service. I listened to the soft music Ty had and looked out the window, watching the river that followed us as we twisted deeper in the granite mounds and tree lined mountainsides.

“I’m glad I got to meet your family,” Ty said.

I scoffed that he actually liked meeting my mother. “Maybe it’s a good thing I can’t have kids so I can’t pass that crazy down.”

Ty put his hand on my knee and gave it a squeeze. “I didn’t mean your mother. I meant your dad, June and Reece. Hannah. The people that mean the most to you. And Jo, you would have made a wonderful mother. Don’t discredit yourself there, even if you never have a child naturally. There’s a lot of love within you and I know you have the capabilities to spread it wide and far.”

His gaze didn’t leave the road but he didn’t waver in his words. The idea of children was taken away before I could even think about being a parent. I was tenderly young to fathom being a mother when I never had a good example of one. Yet, Ty sat there and told me, didn’t suggest it, but told me I would be a good mother, that I had the ability to be loving and caring, a trait I rarely associated with myself. Those words were never directed towards me. For the few I felt privy to tell about what happened, well they only gave me pity and sympathy. I loathed it. I didn’t want to be thought less of because I couldn’t bear children. I despised how people thought my life would be “less” without children. I mourned in my own way, but I steeled away and didn’t let anyone in because I didn’t want to people to think less of me. I didn’t deserve that. I was a strong woman who knew that not having children wouldn’t be the end of the world. I could, and would, do amazing things in this life. I knew it wouldn’t be easy and the journey might be long, but I still knew deep down that my purpose was something beyond the ordinary.

When I laid on my dad’s couch after being released from the hospital, I felt alone. By the end of the day, I knew I would get enough pity from everyone else. Self-pity would get me nowhere. Only self-worth would get me through this. I had to shut out the words I knew would come. For a long time I felt that in order to have this self-worth, to avoid the negative, I had to shut myself out and put on a face that was meant for the public. If people didn’t know anything wrong, they couldn’t throw their words.

I rolled down the window and let my hand feel the wind. When I first met Ty, I figured it was the same. If Ty didn’t think anything was wrong he would see no reason to think anything different. However, it was like Ty knew; it was as if our souls spoke to each other, finding out our secrets and forcing us to confront everything head on.

***

Ty and I stood there by the sink in the tiny cabin. Ty was washing and I was drying the dishes from our dinner. Sir Cupcake stood on the window seal above the sink licking his paw and batting his tail. The window was open and I could hear the bluebird outside singing his song.

It was simple. It was everything.

“This is nice,” I said aloud.

“Washing dishes? Not my favorite task but I enjoy who I get to do them with.” Ty leaned over with his hands still soapy and in the water, kissing the top of my nose. I set down the dish in my hand and reached up, placing both hands on the side of his face, feeling the hard stubble from his barely-there beard. I was barefoot so I had to lean up only a bit and our mouths touched, a caress of lips. I leaned in a little further and kissed him more fully. For only a moment I let everything I feared to feel go and put in that kiss. The kiss was broken and the dish was back in my hand only a few seconds later.

“You know,” Ty started, “if you keep doing that, I might get the wrong idea.”

I swallowed, knowing it truly was difficult to hide anything from this man. He could read me like a book, his favorite book.

“Keep doing what?” I goaded him. Keeping silent at this point seemed futile.

“Kissing me. Looking at me like you want to rip my clothes off. Looking at me like you want to sit by the fire with me and run your hand through my hair. Looking at me like I look at you. Keep doing all of that and I might think you’re falling in love with me.”

My eyes lifted, seeing through the warped window, old from season after season of harsh weather. The wood was old, the paint peeling, but it was keeping me from turning my eyes to Ty. His fingers found my chin and turned my head his way, leaving me no choice but to gaze into his chocolate eyes. “Jo, don’t hide from it.”

“Let’s go to bed,” I said instead. I had chickened out. I felt a tiny bit of the self-loathing I tried so hard to avoid. Why couldn’t I admit it?

The sun was finally setting and I was exhausted from the weekend. I felt every emotion know to man this weekend. Some were rustier than others, never getting to be let out, but others were all too familiar.

I pulled off my clothes, not caring, and laid face down on the bed only clad in panties. The bed lowered as Ty got on and I felt him settling on top of me, straddling me on my lower half.

“Let me give you a massage,” he said this quietly as he laid his large hands on my lower back.

“I think I’ve heard this line before,” I joked, and then cringed. We were past that. Way past that.

Ty still gave me a small chuckle but leaned over and reached into his overnight bag lying against the wall. I felt a shocking cold trickle of oil on my back. I gasped, but Ty held me down.

“Where did you get that?”

“I always come prepared.” I glanced behind me and saw Ty, shirtless thank you very much, wink at me as his hands ran up the length of my back. I groaned in heavenly delight from the pressure and turned my head back.

He quietly massaged my back and I couldn’t believe how good he was at it. When I asked where he learned about it, he told me Brooke was in massage therapy school at the end of their marriage. Ty got to be the guinea pig more often than not. You would think that would make me jealous, but it totally didn’t. It only made me want to thank her when I met her.

Ty pushed hard on my upper shoulders, doing this thing with his hands and knuckles that made me moan into the pillow.

“Fuck, Jo, better be careful with those sounds.” I smiled into the pillow and wiggled my ass, pushing up to him and feeling how hard he was.

I heard his tight intake of breath and then felt a small slap on my ass, causing me to give a little squeak.

“Behave,” Ty chuckled.

His hands weaved a map over my skin. I felt his fingers tracing across my skin in a pattern unrecognizable.

“What are you tracing?”

His fingers continued his joinery. “Your freckles,” he told me “It’s like you have a constellation of freckles on your back.”

I shivered at his words. I felt him lean down and kiss each freckle on my back. “I could create myths and stories from them. Strong beautiful characters facing daunting villains and enchanting creatures.”

“What’s the ending? Is it happy?”

“Oh yes, quite happy.” His fingers never left my skin, but each caress was executed with thought. “You see the main characters in your myths are all trying to find one thing.”

I snuggled deeper into the bed. “What? The missing crown or maybe the source of endless life?”

“No, something much simpler. Home. They are lost in this constellation of beauty. They want to battle their demons and then go home to find comfort.”

By now the only light in the small room was the lamp on the tiny dresser. Ty ran his hands around to my stomach and leaned down, moving his mouth over each spot he had traced. I turned over and sought his mouth. Our kisses weren’t rushed. They were quiet but soulful.

I felt him reach down to me, finding me ready and wanting. Ty turned me back over and his hands lifted me up on my knees. He slid my panties down, carefully pulling them off. I heard him take off his pants and then his hands were on my waist, roaming and caressing my ass. He slipped in behind me, his hard cock finding me ready for him, the angle more intense than if we were facing each other. His hands felt strong on my waist as he pushed into me, each time making me delirious, falling deeper in the bliss Ty brought out in me. One hand left me and found my core, his hands moving around in small circles and putting pressure on that spot that drove me crazy. As his thrusts increased in speed and the pressure of his hand become more dramatic, I broke apart with a loud cry. Ty pushed into me only a few more times before he also lost control. His hot breaths warmed the back of my neck as he laid on top of me, and I could feel his heart race skin to skin.