Before I Break (6 page)

“Come on. Tell me what’s wrong.” Even though I had never felt like this about a friend, I really did care about his opinion, especially if it involved something I may have been doing wrong.

Avery sighed and put his fro-yo down. At that moment I could have stopped it from going any further, I knew that. But his opinion mattered—all the way up until he said, “I’m gay, Cyril.”

My first reaction was to laugh—probably not a very good idea—but I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I snorted, leaning back in my chair, trying hard to keep my chuckles under control. There was this part of me that told me he was kidding, although I should have known otherwise. He glared at me as I did, and then I saw the look in his eyes that said he was telling the truth, and he was pissed. “Oh…you’re serious.”

I didn’t know what else to say. This guy, Avery Branson, who I thought was cool and nice and fun to hang out with, turned out to be…gay? There had to be some mistake. Bile seemed to rise in my throat, though I forced it down the best I could. This was sickening. He used me. There was no way he would have just brought me here to be friends. Lots of thoughts were racing through my head at the moment, but the one thing I was thinking was—

“Did you think this was a date?” The anger was clear in my voice. I laughed again almost sarcastically and leaned back in my chair again. “So wait, let me get this straight. You’re gay. As in, you like dick?” As soon as I said it, I wanted to feel guilty, but it was almost like I couldn’t. So many emotions were raging inside of me at that moment, and guilt was not one of them. I waited for his response as I put my arms on the table, crossed them, and listened.

Avery frowned. “Yeah, I guess. I didn’t really think it was a big deal since we’re friends now.”

“Friends?” I asked, my voice getting louder as I spoke. The amount of tension filling the air was unbelievable. This went from being a great time to being hell in less than a couple seconds. “I asked if you wanted to hang out and you think that makes us friends? Maybe more than friends?”

“No,” Avery replied quickly, seemingly jumping to his own defense. “I did not think that this was a date and I know you’re straight. That’s partially why I was afraid you tell you. This new town is a place for me to have a fresh start, and I want that for myself.”

I stood up angrily, grabbing my things. “Then maybe you shouldn’t have brought the gay here too, Avery.” There was so much hatred I felt for him right now. He lied to me. He used to. And the worst part was, he had probably been staring at my ass the entire time, just like Christian did. “You are pathetic. You know, I am so angry I don’t even know what to say.”

Avery’s face was hard as stone. I could tell he was angry too, though I couldn’t understand why. “I’m pathetic? Really?” He stood up and got in my face, so much closer than I intended for him to and I froze right on the spot. “Maybe I just wanted a friend. Maybe I wasn’t looking to get dick as you probably think. I may be gay, but that doesn’t mean I want to have sex with every living male that walks this Earth.”

“Excuse me,” a voice came from the counter. The woman smiled shyly. “Can you please take this somewhere else? You’re disturbing the customers.”

Avery, who looked away from me, turned to face her. “Oh, I’m sorry, honey, is it because I’m gay? Well, sorry that my sex life offends you so much.” He turned back to me and shoved me lightly. “Don’t ever speak to me again, you understand me, Cyril?”

I nearly spat in his face. “No problem there, faggot.”

There. I said it. I actually used the F-word to a gay male’s face and it actually felt kind of good. Shoving him back a little, I turned to leave the shop, hoping he didn’t expect a ride home from me. When I got back to the car, I slammed the door and turned the ignition, feeling somewhat sick to my stomach. I had gone out with a gay guy, and once it got out, everyone else would think I was gay, too. That was not happening on my watch. As I pulled out of the lot, I made a vow to myself that I wouldn’t tell a soul—not to protect Avery, but to protect myself from the rumors that would possibly come of this. I couldn’t have my life ruined all because of Avery. I wouldn’t let it.

Slash, slash across my arms,

The blood is rushing, forming scars.

Forget the old, forget the pain,

Tonight we’ll start a whole new reign.

Those hateful words cut through my heart

And leave me bleeding and so worn out.

Love is nothing but a work of fiction

Made for people who don’t like friction.

But friction is all I’ll ever get

And there will never be someone with whom I’ll truly connect.

I want to give up but they all say it gets better

But what can get better when you’re all alone forever?

These adults don’t see what is caused because of me

A life I didn’t choose but was given to by fate.

Why can’t I choose to go the other way?

Why am I left here questioning every day?

My existence is pointless, I know that by now.

But the others all say giving up is for cowards.

Then I coward I am, there’s no doubt about that.

I’m just writing this journal filled with all of life’s facts.

Driving home in the middle of the night, I could almost hear my heart pounding against my chest. What had happened back at the Fro-Yo Place was a lot more than just a hatred for him, and as I drove, I wasn’t even sure there was any hate in it at all. The truth was, I was more shocked than anything, and the fact that I had called him a faggot nagged at me the entire ride home.

While it was true that I considered myself a homophobe, I had a justifiable reason, right? There were numerous things that I could point out in the Bible to anyone and they could agree with me 100%. But then you had people like Melissa, who claimed to be a Christian, and yet still denied some of the things the Bible said. Leviticus 18:22 tells us, “A man shall not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; it is an abomination.” That is a pretty clear statement, especially the verse not too far after that says gay men should be stoned. So why on earth did I feel so terrible about the way I had acted?

I don’t really know how long I drove around, but by the time I got home, it was nearly 11 o’clock. When I walked in the front door, I found Jake sitting on the couch still, except this time he was awake. His eyes fell on mine when I walked in, but he didn’t say a word.

Sitting down beside him, I said, “How was your power nap?”

He smiled a little and said, “Man, I was really out of it. Sometimes that stuff really gets to me.” He had the box of Cheez-Its still on the coffee table and he picked them up. “So your mom said you went out with some new guy?”

I nodded. “That new kid, Avery Branson. You may or may not have seen him around. He doesn’t have many classes with me.”

Jake didn’t seem to know who I was talking about. “Well, don’t go replacing me with someone else, dude. You’re my best friend.” He took a handful of Cheez-Its and shoved them in his mouth. “So what’d you guys do?”

I really wanted to spill the beans about what had really happened, but while he was my best friend, I knew he’d try to make jokes about it and I was so not in the joking mood. “I just kind of showed him around, you know? Nothing major.” I wanted to laugh at the thought. If only that was what happened, then I wouldn’t be feeling so sick to my stomach.

I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and mom appeared in the living room threshold. “Cyril, what are you doing back so late? I was worried sick.”

Great, now my mother was going to hop on the case. What was she going to do next, call a jury? “Don’t worry, mom, I’m fine. Avery and I just kind of had a dispute.” I grabbed the box of Cheez-Its and headed to the kitchen when my mom followed me, leaving Jake in the living room. I put the box back and mom stood there with her arms crossed over her chest. Acting nonchalant was going to be the best way to get through this. “What?” I asked.

“You had a dispute with someone you just met?” she asked me, not sounding entirely sure. “What exactly could you fight with someone about on the second day you met them?”

I knew she wasn’t going to get off my back unless I told her the truth. Reaching into the refrigerator, I pulled out a can of Coke and popped it open. “He’s gay.” The words came out so easily with so little conviction because the best way to approach this was to let her know this wasn’t bothering me. There was a strong pang in my chest, and if I felt it again, I thought I was going to cry.

What the hell was wrong with me?

“He’s gay?” my mom asked. “But—”

“Yeah, mom, I know. I ended the friendship tonight. He wasn’t really important.” The lie rang around in my head and I wondered what he really was to me. Not anything after what happened tonight, I could tell you that. “I need to go to sleep, mom, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I headed upstairs into my room, hoping to avoid any more of that conversation with her. When I got to my room, I pulled out my phone and texted Avery, saying,

As I lay in my bed, I couldn’t help but replay the entire last two days like a movie. How had I suddenly got pulled into this? And why did I care so much as to even be questioning right now? Two days ago, if it were about Christian, I would have told this kid to go do a sexual act on himself, using the explicit term instead. Now I felt terrible for calling this guy a faggot and had no idea why. Why was there a sudden change in heart?

When Avery didn’t text me back, I headed to my computer to send him a Facebook message. A few girls had Instant Messaged me from my post earlier, including those dirty pictures I had asked for, but shockingly I didn’t care. As I typed in Avery’s name in the search engine, he wasn’t coming up. I went to my friend’s list to try and find him there and realized every trace of him was no longer available to me.

Avery had blocked me.

When I woke up the next morning, I had nearly forgotten about the things that happened while I was out with Avery—that one particular thing I didn’t wish to think about. I had texted Avery several times the night before, hoping he’d respond to one of them, but he ignored me like I expected him to. Then I thought to myself,
Wow, look who’s acting gay now—like I just lost my boyfriend.