Before I Break (18 page)

“We do, Aunt Denise,” Avery said sternly. “I enjoyed the visit but we have school on Monday that we need to attend, unfortunately.”

“We’ll miss you, though,” I told them both. “And as long as Avery and I are friends, you’ll be seeing a lot of me around.” I hoped.

“Good thing, because I really like you,” Susan said, holding Denise’s arm as they watched the plane begin to board. “You three be good when you get back.”

As we boarded the place, my phone buzzed from my pocket and I had to put my bags on before I could check it. Once I took my seat, I saw that it was from Jake.

Jake had been texting me all of Winter Break, but I hadn’t really said much. After he realized that I was gone, he went on to say that he wished I had stayed so we could have hung out. Honestly, I think Jake felt a little betrayed, but I knew I needed to make time for him once we got back.

According to his text, the whole school now suspected that Avery and I had a thing, but I really doubted this information. There was nothing going on besides our friendship that could possibly make other people know about me questioning my sexuality—and I wanted it to stay that way. If anyone found out, my life would be ruined for good. But why would Jake tell me this if it wasn’t true?

This time I was seated in the middle and Avery sat by the window. I watched as he stared outside when we took off and were high above the ground. Wondering what he was thinking about, I said, “It’s nice, isn’t it?”

He nodded without looking at me. “Yes. Like a lot of other things lately.”

His words spoke of something else, something I couldn’t quite interpret. Reaching my hand out, I patted him on the back and said, “It’s okay, Avery. Whatever is bothering you, I’m here for you if you need me.”

This time he met my eyes and asked, “What makes you think something is bothering me?”

I shrugged, because honestly it was just a feeling—a vibe of sorts—that he was sending off right now. “No reason. I just wanted you to know that.”

Placing headphones on to drown out the sound of my ears popping, I laid back and fell asleep within twenty minutes of takeoff.

When I woke up, Avery was leaning on me.

As we exited the plane, Tina met us right at pick-up and hugged all of us, as usual, but this time I really wasn’t feeling it. For some reason after my little nap on the place, I felt like crawling in a whole and dying.

I texted my mother and Jake to tell them we were home and that I was staying at Avery’s house—and both of them gave me completely different responses.

Yeah, that went well.

When we got to Avery’s house, Tina said I could sleep in the guest room for the night, and so as I went to put my things in there Melissa said, “I’m going to go home now, you guys. I’ll see you at school Monday, alright?”

I nodded and walked up the stairs to the room, Avery leading the way and not saying a word. I couldn’t get the things that Jake said out of my mind and it hurt me to feel like everyone at school thought that I was gay now. Why couldn’t people just mind their own business?

The guest room was nice, with a queen sized bed and lots of pillows and sheets. I sat down on the bed to take off my shoes, and felt great relief when I did. Avery sat next to me, and as soon as he did, I knew he had something to say.

He wanted to talk about something. Just like Melissa did.

“Hey,” he said softly.

“Hi,” I said back, not really sure what was going on. “I guess, I should get ready to get some sleep, it’s been a long night—”

“I’m in love with you, Cyril.”

Right then my heart stopped. I wasn’t sure if I heard him right—I couldn’t have—and I stared at him with my jaw dropped to the floor, practically hitting the roof of hell. “You…what?”

He stood up and from the tears in his eyes, I knew it was true. Avery was in love with me, and damn it if I didn’t want to be happy about that. But I didn’t love Avery, I couldn’t. I wasn’t gay.

“I have liked you since the day we met,” Avery said, pacing the room anxiously. “That’s why I was so distant at first because I knew, I just
knew
, from past experiences that it wouldn’t work out. I know you’ll never love me, because I see the way you look at girls.”

I sat, waiting for him to explain more.

“But we can end this confusion for both of us tonight,” Avery went on. “I think what you have been feeling is a mix of my feelings and yours. Subconsciously you’ve known this whole time, and you’ve been trying to convince yourself that we can be together.” He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “Cyril, we are friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be. I know that and you know that. We’ve both been confused and I don’t want us to be anymore.”

Lost in a whirlwind of emotions, I said, “Avery, I really care about you. You know I do, and I can’t deny having some feelings, but…I don’t know what kind they are.” That was the honest to God truth and I felt the desire to do something unthinkable. I stood up, walking over to him and pulling him close. Avery, like I suspected, didn’t pull away. “I need to know.”

“I know,” he responded softly. “As do I.”

And so I kissed him.

Right then, I expected the sparks. I expected the love that led to passionate making out, and then expected us to jump in the bed and have sex right then, but we didn’t. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer, expecting
something
to happen, but nothing did. There was no spark. There was no lust. There was no love here in this room, other than what he felt for me. I don’t know how long we held this kiss, but he was the first to pull away.

“You didn’t feel anything,” Avery said.

I shook my head, feeling despair and some sort of relief come over me. “I didn’t.”

The truth was, I knew right then that this whole time—the mixed feelings I had, the thoughts of possibly liking Avery—it wasn’t real. There are many people who go through phases, and lots who don’t come out of it, but I can certainly say right then that I knew I was straight. I was not sexually attracted to Avery, and while the kiss may have been nice, it wasn’t special. Not like it was when I kissed girls. Not like it was when I held girls, pulling them closer to me, and doing other things. Avery was just a friend and the love I felt was a brotherly love. He was the best friend I ever had, even better than Jake.

“I’m sorry,” I said, unable to find the right words to say. “But…at least we know now, right? It’s okay to feel this way.”

He walked over to the bed and sat down, putting his face in his hands and said, “You know, when we kissed just now…I didn’t really feel anything either.” He looked up at me and met my eyes. “I felt the love for you, but there is no connection between us. These feelings I have, it’s all been for nothing.”

“No, they haven’t,” I told him honestly, sitting beside him. I should have felt awkward having kissing him, but in truth, I didn’t. Friends experimented, and I believed that that was okay. That was what we’d done and now we both know for sure. “Trust me, Avery; you’re like a brother to me. I love you like that, but nothing more. Sometimes that’s even better. No matter how much we fight, we’ll always come around. You know why?”

He shook his head.

“Because we both care about each other too much. I just wasn’t sure how much I cared until now, and now that I know, we can start over now. Okay?”

He leaned into me and laid his head on my shoulder, and of course, I didn’t mind. He was my friend and he really needed me right now. “Cyril,” he whispered.

“Yes?”

“You’re the reason I’m still alive right now.”

“Why?” I asked. “What do you mean?”

He sat up and said, “I just mean that I love our friendship. I had no friends until I met you, and despite being on my meds, that didn’t necessarily make me feel completely better—they’re not supposed to. I still felt lonely, although I didn’t really
feel
like I needed anyone. And then I met you, and I realized that I do need someone. I need a best friend.”

“Me,” I said, already knowing the answer.

He nodded and smiled slightly. “You.”

We sat there for a couple more minutes before he decided that it was time for him to sleep. When he said goodnight and left me alone, I was actually glad that the kiss happened. It helped me realize what I really wanted and my confusion could finally be over. But tomorrow, things were only just getting started.

Love is a gift that is given by God

And sent through the angels that live up above.

The power of love is more than we think

And can give enough energy to feed all the weak.

Give a little here and give a little there

I’m sure we could save the world from all the trouble it bears.

The love I have for this one special guy

Is none like the others, as this one doesn’t lie.

He’s special, he’s sweet, and is greater than life,

And has helped lead me through all the terrible times.

My God, he is perfect, but I know it won’t be

Because some things we’re just never meant to see.

Before it’s my time, I’m glad to have loved,

And maybe one day I’ll find someone else.

But Cyril, my love, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had

And you’re there even when I’m feeling pretty bad.

If there’s one thing I have to say to you,

It’s that I love you and really want to thank you.

You’ve given me friendship, you’ve given me light

And I’m glad that we got to meet in this life.

Cyril, my love, promise me this

That even through hell we’ll be friends like this.