Before I Break (10 page)

“You’re right,” I said. “You really are right…I just…I let him get to me. That’s all. I promise I won’t see him ever again.”

They both stared at me as if they couldn’t tell if I was telling the truth or not. I noticed that my mom didn’t say a thing the entire time, which was totally unusual for her. Dad finally said, “Go upstairs and get some sleep. Just remember what we said.”

They didn’t have to tell me twice. Walking up the stairs and closing my bedroom door behind me, I dropped on the bed and pulled out my phone, staring at Avery’s number. I knew what I had to, even if I didn’t like it.

I typed.

Remembering the scars I saw on his arms earlier that day, I realized that someone needed to know that he may have been in harm. Tomorrow I needed to tell someone.

No one knows the pain I hide,

But tonight I’ve finally made up my mind.

There’s nothing anyone can do

To save me from the world that’s full of likes of you.

I’m a bomb that’s counting down the time

Before I explode and leave this world behind.

Please don’t come when all is lost

Because I’m pretty sure I won’t be the last.

When Thursday morning came, I knew what I had to do but was absolutely terrified to do so. I promised Dad I would stay away from Avery—but this wasn’t necessarily getting near him. This was most likely going to save his life.

I pulled into the school parking lot when I saw Melissa running toward the car. She and I, though still on a break, were going to talk here and there. We didn’t hate each other, but she just needed time to see that I changed, and the worst part was, I didn’t really feel like I had changed at all. The car came to a stop and I opened my door to get out, and Melissa said, “How are you today?”

“Great,” I lied. “Listen, I need to get inside, okay? It’s important that I get to guidance this morning.”

“Are we still on for the plan this weekend?” she asked me, looking a little worried. Not that I could blame her, because I was honestly worried about a lot right now.

“I’m not sure,” I replied, stepping by her. “Text me if you need anything.” If she was upset, she didn’t say anything as I walked away.

Inside the building, there weren’t many people, because school didn’t open for nearly an hour. Most students preferred to stand outside in the courtyard and wait for the first bell, but Melissa and I spent a lot of time in the library last year during this hour. Heading down the hall, I turned into the guidance office, finding no one at the front desk. I took a seat in one of the comfy chairs they had and waited for someone to come.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the scars that Avery had. Usually when someone had scars like that, it meant they did it themselves. Why would Avery harm himself? And does he still do it? Questions were running through my head as I waited, but none of them really had any answers that I could come up with. It was possible that he harmed himself because he was gay and the way people treated him, but I felt like that might not have been a very good reason. Something bigger had hurt him, and he felt the need to relieve it with that, and I needed to see if I could get him help.

That was when the thought suddenly occurred to me that maybe he already
had
gotten help. The honest truth was, what did I really know about this guy? The scars certainly weren’t new, so they could have happened a long time ago and he just got help for them. After the event last night, though, it sure would have been good to check and see.

Dad also told me to stay away, though, and I had to respect that. Even though he didn’t say it, I knew he meant stuff like this, too. Deciding this wasn’t the best of ideas, I grabbed my bag to get up when the secretary came up to the desk.

“Can I help you?” she asked me, smiling.

I shook my head and threw my bag over my shoulder. “No, no, it’s not important. I gotta go.” I ran out, leaving the secretary looking pretty confused—probably as confused as I felt with life right now.

When lunch came around, Jake asked me if I wanted to sit with them, but really I didn’t. I wanted to be alone with Melissa and tell her that I couldn’t go through with her plans, not now, not ever, unless I wanted to be grounded for the rest of my life.

As I suspected, when I got to the table, Avery was sitting with her and they were laughing about something she had just said. Obviously last night didn’t bother him that much, so hopefully this would make things easier. I touched her shoulder softly and said, “Can we talk?”

She nodded and stood up, saying, “I’ll be right back, Avery.” We walked outside into the courtyard and felt the blazing sun against our skins. She frowned and said, “Avery told me.”

“It’s not like that,” I replied. “My dad is basically telling me I can never see him again, which sucks, but that’s what he told me. You understand that, right?”

Melissa looked sad, just as I knew she would. Grabbing my hand, she spoke softly when she said, “I understand, but that doesn’t mean I like it. You’re going to be eighteen before the school year is over. When are you going to stop letting your parent and church dictate what you believe about life?”

The truth, I wanted to say, was that I actually
did
believe what my dad said. For a day or two my opinion might have changed, but in honesty, I really shouldn’t have expected I’d feel anything different after Avery. Last night on that stage, I felt sick to my stomach doing it, and I thought it might have been nerves, but now I knew.

Of course, I wasn’t going to tell her that.

“When I turn eighteen and won’t be told what to do anymore.” Pulling her close to me, so close I could almost taste her lips, I whispered, “Can you let him know that I don’t hate him? Because I really, really don’t. He and I just can’t be friends.” And despite my beliefs, a small part of me actually believed that.

“So…I guess that means no rally for us?” Melissa asked. “You know, Avery was really looking forward to having the two of us at his side.”

I knew that, but I truly didn’t want to be. As hard as this was, I knew what I was doing was right. I couldn’t be seen with someone gay anymore. “I’m sorry, Melissa, I just can’t do it. Jake is my friend, not Avery.”

Sliding my hands out of hers, I walked away, leaving behind the guy I couldn’t be friends with and the love of my life to themselves.

Sunday came a lot quicker than you could imagine. Most of Saturday, having nothing else to do, I was studying for an AP Bio quiz, doing research for AP Lit and doing over a hundred math problems for Geometry. They were not kidding when they said junior year would be the hardest year of all four years, although most would probably imagine it’s senior year.

So after staying up until two in the morning studying, Sunday didn’t necessarily seem like the best of ideas. Mom and Dad were heading out to church, leaving me all alone, because no matter how much they tried talking Morrison into letting me back, he said he felt obligated to say no. Now there I was, deciding to spend the day doing things I actually enjoyed.

In my room I was flipping through channels trying to find something to watch, but just wasn’t feeling it. Heading downstairs to the kitchen, I heard the doorbell ring along the way and wondered who it could be.

I opened the front door and Jake was standing there, smiling. “Hey man. I got some stuff. Can I come in?”

“Jake, listen—”

“I know you aren’t doing it anymore,” Jake said, stepping through the threshold. “Doesn’t mean I can’t. Where’s the fam?”

“Um, at church, where you should be,” I replied as I closed the door. Hunger settled inside me and I realized I needed some food. Now going to the kitchen, I asked, “Please tell me you didn’t get kicked out, too.”

“Of course not, man,” Jake said, plopping his very happy, and very high, butt on my couch. He lit a joint and said, “There’s some fag-rally going on.”

My heart nearly hit the floor. “This weekend?”

“This weekend what?”

“The pride rally. At the church, it’s this weekend?”

“Guess so,” he told me, taking a huge puff of the pot. “When we got there, there were a few people outside with picket signs and stuff dressed up like a bunch o’ damn unicorns. They’re probably shittin’ rainbows on the sidewalk.”