Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (9 page)

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Authors: Rick A Johnson

BOOK: Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half
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He also had to be physically prepared to protect his family and the tribe from dangerous predators or human enemies. Any wounds, even minor, needed rest to heal so that he could function effectively. Even a slight injury could put him at a disadvantage (a minor wound in the jungle or woods can quickly get infected and become mortal). If a man were taking a nap because he was exhausted from doing chores around the hut, he and his family could be killed.
Because we do not face constant physical threats in our civilized world, we do not truly understand how important early man was in this protective function. With no police, jails, or criminal justice system, one lone man was the barrier between life and death. His skills and physical strength kept his wife and children alive.
While hunting requires the ability for a man to shut down his mind and stay motionless for long periods of time, it also requires great reserves of energy, especially in sudden bursts of speed and power. For him to stay vigilant for long periods of time using his visual, olfactory, and auditory senses is mentally exhausting. Having the ability to move silently through the woods requires great patience and stamina. Even after striking an animal, he must be able to either move quickly to finish it or spend great amounts of energy tracking it. Finally, he must either field-dress and butcher the carcass or carry it intact all the way back to the camp. Once the adrenaline rush is over, he is depleted. From experience I know that this can be exhausting, and there’s nothing more enjoyable than getting back to camp and relaxing while reliving the thrill of the hunt.
Men today, while they seldom are required to hunt in the literal sense, are required to go out and stalk provisions for their family. The emotional and psychological stress of knowing that people depend on them to provide for all their material needs can be a big weight for men to bear. Especially for many men who do not like what they do for a living, it can be terribly draining.
Most men accept this burden with minimal complaining and grousing. But they are challenged mightily every day in a variety of ways in the workplace. There are significant daily challenges to a guy’s manhood. These might come from a boss who exerts power over him, from an important customer who is unreasonable but to whom he must kowtow in order to keep his job, or from co-workers who manipulate or use him in order to further their own career. Corporate politics and the wide array of personality types he is forced to deal with can be very challenging.
These trials and confrontations are exhausting to his psyche. The constant barrage of psychological challenges he is required to deal with through cunning and interpersonal communication skills attacks his weaknesses. If he could deal with these challenges in a physical manner, that would be playing into his strengths and would not be quite so debilitating. A man feels beaten down by these types of conflicts and altercations.
Also, the workload and expectations of today’s jobs can just plain overload a guy’s mental framework. It’s like being in the boxing ring with Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini—the punches never stop, and they come at you from every angle.
Lazy or Just Different?
 
A lot of women I’ve spoken with over the years harbor a variety of complaints against their husbands. Perhaps one of the most frequent complaints I hear is that they feel their husbands are lazy, that they do not pull their share of the load around the house. They say their husbands are reluctant to perform chores around the house or tackle new projects.
While there may be some validity to these criticisms, I think many of these complaints are unfounded from the standpoint that women look at these issues in a different light than men. For instance, oftentimes when a woman complains that her husband is lazy, it’s not so much that he is actually lazy as he just doesn’t do things in the order or time frame that she would.
There is a difference between taking some down time and being just plain lazy. If a man is fulfilling his responsibilities as a provider and doing his share of the load around the house, then taking some time off is healthy. If he doesn’t have a job and just lies around all day, he’s probably lazy. I’ve seen some women who rag their husbands continuously with “honey-do” projects around the house. They trail around behind their husbands, nipping at their heels to make sure they get the job done right. The poor guys have that slightly hysterical look about them, like horses that have been ridden hard and put away wet.
Recharge
 
Regardless of the circumstances, men need down time to recharge their batteries. This is not even so much
physical
down time as it is
emotional
and
psychological
down time. They need to regroup and ready themselves for the next day or week’s challenges.
One man told me, “There were times when I was a truck driver that I didn’t want to do anything at the end of a grueling week. I was tired from three hours of sleep each night and going all day long. I just needed to do nothing so my body could rest and my mind could clear. I think it was mostly a mind issue. It had been busy all day every day, and I just needed some quiet time.”
The truth is most men get beat up in a variety of ways through their jobs. Maybe they have a boss that berates them or is unappreciative of their efforts, or perhaps their job is physically straining or emotionally draining. Because I had a child that needed expensive health care coverage, I was forced to work at a job for two years that was under the absolutely worst working conditions imaginable. I worked about ninety-six hours a week. My wife finally made me quit because she could see me dying in front of her eyes. But I did what I had to do, like most men, with an attitude of bleary indifference, if not weary acceptance.
That is why having an opportunity to veg out and recharge his batteries is so important to a man’s health and well-being. John Gray, throughout his book
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
, likens it to “going into his cave” for peace and quiet. Even men who are driven or type A personalities need time to just sit in front of the television occasionally and watch mindless sitcoms or sports programs—modern-day fire gazing. Many men look forward to the weekend as a time to watch a few ball games and reinvigorate themselves for the coming week, when they will be required to expend all their mental, emotional, and psychological energy all over again just to get through the week.
Some men don’t like or are disgruntled with their jobs. Oftentimes their jobs are not challenging or stimulating and give no sense of satisfaction. Frequently, they do not feel they are living a life of significance through the work they do. This exacerbates the problem, paralyzing them into inaction and sometimes depression. Even jobs they enjoy can cause stress or frustration.
The opportunity to veg out is necessary to a man’s ability to process stress and keep persevering in order to fulfill his obligations in life. It is his modern way of staring into the campfire and preparing himself for the next hunt.
 
A man needs his wife and the nurturing she brings to the relationship. An attentive spouse can make all the difference in the world to her man’s health and happiness. Because a man does not tend to focus on his own best interests (left on his own, he eats junk food and refuses to go to the doctor), he needs a woman in his life to help him stay healthy through her natural nurturing instincts. It’s one of the reasons why a man does not do well in life after his wife dies. He generally gets married right away or else withers away. When he’s used to being taken care of, he does not function well on his own.
Wives, you are a blessing to your husband—he just may not realize it. Use your nurturing instincts to help him live as healthy a life as possible. It will benefit you and your husband.
 
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
—Love the fact that God made him so different.
Men need proper levels of food, sleep, and emotional nourishment in order to function properly.
A man often cannot focus on others’ needs until his sustenance needs are met.
Men often don’t fulfill their needs in healthy ways and need a woman’s help.
A man frequently needs time to himself. He does not recharge through conversation like many women do.
Men need to balance the different parts of their lives.
Men need down time in order to recharge and de-stress from life’s challenges.
 
Get inside His Head
I sure wish my wife would ask me to lie down on the couch and put my head on her lap.
I wonder if my wife really appreciates all my hard work.
Many men do not even know what their nurturing needs are.
Men desire their homes to be tranquil, orderly places in which they can relax and retreat.
 
Words Have Meaning
 
Words That Heal
“Honey, you’ve been working really hard lately. Why don’t you just relax and take a nap today.”
“How about taking a break? I made you a sandwich and some iced tea.”
“You’ve been under a ton of pressure lately. Why don’t you come over here and lie down with your head on my lap for a while?”
“You are so awesome. I just love the way you take care of us.”
 
 
Words That Hurt
“You only think about yourself!”
“You are so needy.”
“I’m not your mother, you know.”
“If you want something to eat, go make it yourself.”
“Quit being so lazy and help out around here.”
“Molly’s husband always makes sure the lawn is immaculate.”
“How do you ever expect to get anywhere when all you do is sit around watching TV?”
Men’s Mode # 5
 
Protector
 
Guard at the Door
 
 
 
No one can enter the strong man’s house and plunder his property unless he first binds the strong man, and then he will plunder his house.
Mark 3:27 (NASB)
 
 
O
ne of my favorite television shows when I was a kid was
Have Gun—Will Travel
. Richard Boone played Paladin (the white knight in chess), a West Point-educated gentleman-turned-gunfighter. He dressed in fancy duds and lived a life of refinement until such time as he was contracted as a champion for hire. He lived in a fancy hotel, ate gourmet food, drank fine wines, and attended the opera. No mere assassin, Paladin was a man of morals and conscience who would try to settle a dispute without violence whenever possible. He would occasionally even turn on his own employers if he felt they were wrong. When working, he dressed in all black, used calling cards, wore a holster with the characteristic chess knight emblem, and carried a derringer. His theme song referred to him as a “knight without armor in a savage land.” He had a thorough knowledge of ancient history and classical literature, and he had a passion for legal principles and the rule of the law.
Paladin was a world traveler who was not just a gunfighter but also considered himself a protector of the helpless and disenfranchised. He drew a parallel between his methods and the movements of the chess piece he was named after: “It’s a chess piece, the most versatile on the board. It can move in eight different directions, over obstacles, and it’s always unexpected.”
1
Paladin’s great advantage over his adversaries was not his ability as a superior marksman but his rich education. He had the ability to relate historical events to modern situations. Like a chess master, he sought control of the board through superior position, and only killed as a last resort. When the enemy surrounded him, Paladin could usually make some insightful comment about General Marcellus and the siege of Syracuse or something similar, and then use this wisdom to his advantage. At one point, as he buried a rancher killed by Indians, he recited John Donne’s “Death Be Not Proud.” A male role model who knew poetry was unique on TV in the 1950s.
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