Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (13 page)

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Authors: Rick A Johnson

BOOK: Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half
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Men seem to have a different spirituality than women do, or at least they project it differently. Wives, if you want to encourage your husband’s spirituality, you can do it more effectively by keeping those differences in mind. Men do not respond well to nagging, complaining, or arguing. Your husband will, however, respond well to your example and the influence of men he respects. God says that your actions speak louder than your words to your husband, according to 1 Peter 3:1-2. (See also 1 Cor. 7:14.) Those verses may apply only to wives of unbelievers, but I think that a wife’s actions apply to believing husbands as well. Your faith and the example you set can be a model and an inspiration to your husband. God frequently uses a wife to get to her man’s heart.
 
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
—Love the fact that God made him so different.
Most men struggle with loving a masculine image of God.
Most men do not cry out to God short of a crisis in their lives.
Because men are less relational than women, they struggle with a deep spiritual relationship.
Men are accountable directly to God for the way they lead their family.
 
Get inside His Head
If my wife understood how boring church is, she wouldn’t nag me to go all the time.
Most of the men I meet in church are passive and un inspiring.
I’m uncomfortable in church, and they do embarrassing things like sing and hold hands.
The guys at work would make fun of me if they knew I was a Christian.
 
Words Have Meaning
 
Words That Heal
“I respect you so much for being a spiritual leader in our home.”
“What do you think it means in the Bible when it says . . . ?”
“I’m so proud seeing you lead other men and women in the church.”
“All the other women in church wish it was their husband doing [fill in the blank] like you do.”
 
 
Words That Hurt
“Why won’t you ever go to church? Don’t you know what a poor example you’re setting for the kids?”
“You don’t go to church because you’re just lazy.”
“I wish you led devotions in our home like Sally’s husband does.”
“If you would just pray once in a while, you wouldn’t find yourself messing up so much.”
Men’s Mode # 7
 
Guy Time
 
Friends, Fathers, and Mentors
 
 
 
There is a giant asleep within every man. When that giant awakes, miracles happen.
Frederick Faust
 
 
M
en need time together with other men. A huge myth has been perpetrated upon the men in this country that we are totally self-sufficient and self-reliant—that we don’t need anyone else to get by. This myth has been fueled by a number of segments of our culture, including people who despise masculinity, but at its core it is an attack on the family by evil forces. Men who are alone are much easier targets. They can be picked off in a number of ways: through adulterous affairs, sexual addictions, drug or alcohol abuse, workaholism, fear, or even apathy, passivity, and complacency. Because men are supposed to be the leaders of their families, if they are picked off, their families become vulnerable as well.
Bill was a great father and husband. We knew him and his family for many years and did a lot of things together. Both Bill and I and our families had a lot in common: we were the same age, we both worked from home, we each had a son and daughter the same ages, and we both had beautiful, intelligent wives. As we played together, our families thrived and grew. On the outside Bill had it all—his marriage was solid, his kids were well behaved and happy, and he made a good living. They were like my family in every way.
However, unbeknownst to anyone, Bill was secretly watching pornography on his computer in his home office. This occasional distraction soon turned into an obsession. As Bill fell deeper and deeper into the abyss, he started acting out his fantasies by visiting prostitutes and eventually started snorting cocaine and immersing himself in the dark side of life. Because Bill was an intelligent guy, he was able to cover his tracks so that no one knew what was going on until it was too late. He slowly isolated himself from his friends and family, and even his clients, so that no one knew what was happening. By the time everything came to light, Bill had been forced to close his business, spent all his savings and investments, lost his home to foreclosure, lost his wife and children to divorce, and finally even lost his life to the ravages of HIV/AIDS.
Gradually, over a period of time, Bill’s choices fatefully impacted the rest of his family as well. Tragically, without a loving husband to lead her, his wife ended up getting involved with gambling and now lives a life of destitution and bitterness. His children, without the guiding influence of a father, have fared no better. His son grew up angry and made choices similar to those modeled for him by his father. He got involved in drugs and currently resides in the state penitentiary. His daughter, without the healthy masculine affection she needed and craved, started dating men with low character and is currently an unwed teenage mother of two children. She has not gotten a high school degree and has not much hope of living a life of happiness and satisfaction.
Our families were so similar yet went in very different directions. But for the grace of God, my family could just as easily have stumbled off the narrow path of life. It stuns me to know how similar we were and how far we drifted apart. Perhaps only my having other men in my life who provided accountability kept me from suffering the same fate as Bill.
My point is this: a man cannot achieve significance in his life without other men walking beside him. A man needs other men—friends, a father (or father figure), and mentors—to help him face life’s great challenges.
Friends
 
Men need other guys to hang around with and goof off with. It relieves the stress and pressures of life. I am so much more relaxed after hunting or camping with my buddies.
Men also need the accountability friends provide. Our culture portrays successful men as loners, but a man needs friends in his life. A man’s friends are his lifeline to a long and successful life. Men who stumble through life alone are more apt to be scared, angry, and miserable.
Men are starving for relationships with other men. Our culture does not create opportunities for men to bond with or relate to other men. The firehouse, however, is an example of a great environment for men. Men in the firehouse work, eat, and sleep with a group of other men for extended periods of time and then get long stretches of time with their families. It seems like an ideal situation for men to bond together and still fulfill their other significant roles in life.
A good friend of mine recently told another man that I was one of the few men he would trust to cover his back in a foxhole. Wow! What an honoring compliment, especially from a man who has persevered through struggles that would have killed an average guy. Who but a friend would tell me something like that? His words made me feel good about who I am. They made me feel like a man. There’s just something about a compliment like that coming from another man that makes it all that much more meaningful. My wife tells me she respects and admires me quite often, and that feels good—really good. It motivates me to be a good man—better than I would be otherwise. But there is something fundamentally satisfying about another man respecting, admiring, and liking me for who I am that brings contentment to my soul.
Additionally, for many men there are things they can talk about only to their friends. They cannot talk to their wives about them because women have a hard time understanding certain challenges men face. Only another man is able to relate with and understand them. In fact, it would probably be counterproductive to the relationship if a man were to discuss his true feelings about certain subjects with his wife.
Men need time to let their hair down—a time where they can say and do things that only other guys can appreciate and understand, and a time where they can talk about issues they are dealing with that can only be understood by other men. When women are around, men can never truly relax and be themselves. They always feel pressure to perform or present a false cover. It is part of that gender thing—men are geared to constantly present a “colorful plumage” to the opposite sex as part of the mating dance. Around our friends, that pressure is off and we can truly be ourselves.
Mentors
 
The most effective way people grow and change is through being mentored. Being mentored by positive role models is also the best way that people, especially males, learn. Males are extremely visual, so the need to actually
see
an example is imperative in their learning and development process.
All males need older males to guide them through life. It is the natural order of things. Even as adults we need other men to help show us the way. We need men in our lives who have been where we’re going, who have stumbled where we stumble, who understand the pressures and stresses of being a husband and father and know how to deal with those struggles effectively.
In fact, at every stage of life, all of us need mentors. Boys need older boys. Young fathers need older, experienced fathers to help with questions and problems. Even older males whose children are grown and gone look up to others. I need an older man to show me how to approach the next stage of my life now that my kids are gone.
Oftentimes we don’t even realize we’re looking for guidance. If we have good role models to follow, then we naturally tend to make good choices in life. With poor role models, however, we tend to make unhealthy or even destructive choices. The advice we get and examples set for us are those we tend to emulate. We learn skills, character traits, and problem-solving abilities from those who guide us.
Because I was not raised by my biological father, one of the joys I experience today is having him available to teach me how to do home repairs and build things. My stepfather didn’t teach me those things, and that has been a source of frustration throughout my life. Whenever I needed to repair something, I usually had to try it several times until I taught myself how to do it, not to mention running to the store half a dozen times for the right parts and tools. Having a dad who patiently teaches me how to use my hands to fix or create things is a source of great satisfaction and even comfort to me. Because I have someone to show me how to do things, I am less frustrated and it reduces my anger and anxiety levels.
Boys who do not get proper training from men in their lives never learn how to use the gifts or the power of their masculinity. When that happens, generational cycles such as abuse, addictions, and abandonment get passed from one generation to the next. These young men are preprogrammed to exhibit certain tendencies or make specific choices in life merely by what was modeled for them when they were growing up. They are often not even conscious that they are following in the footsteps laid for them.
Generally, despite our best intentions, our children mimic the worst of the characteristics we model for them instead of the best. They always imitate what we do, not what we say.
I frequently have the opportunity to talk to men in prison, men who swore they would
never
make the same choices that their fathers made, and yet they were almost powerless to keep from falling into the generational sins laid out before them. Because those behaviors are programmed into their subconscious, they come out when least expected.
When fathers abuse or abandon sons, their sons repeat those same behaviors. Even though they desperately might not want to, they almost cannot help imitating what was modeled for them. Only direct intervention in their lives by positive male role models can make a difference. It’s one of the powers that God gave to men—we can fix broken boys just by spending time with them.

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