Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (6 page)

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Authors: Rick A Johnson

BOOK: Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half
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Men who are unable to work at all often suffer from many different kinds of debilitating psychological problems. And men who
choose
not to work often have an unhealthy self-image or self-esteem. Boys raised by the model of a woman being the only provider in their lives often do not develop this strong sense of duty to provide for their families. For males, not knowing about or understanding this key role in their lives leads to frustration and contributes to continuing the cycle of broken families.
Now, men, before you go justifying your long work hours to your wife by telling her that God made you this way and you can’t help it, let’s look at another perspective. A significant challenge for many men is to recognize that even though God created them with a desire to work, it was actually a curse he delivered on them after the fall. Confronting Adam after he ate from the Tree of Life, God told him that for his entire life he would have to toil painfully and work hard (by the sweat of his brow) in order to survive (Gen. 3:17-19).
Not understanding that concept can give men the illusion that more is better, but in actuality they may just be trying to overcome the curse. And when men forget that and place an overemphasis on work, it could also be that they are being influenced and prompted by negative forces. The evil one, like all great liars, likes to use portions of the truth to deceive us. His goal is to destroy what he hates more than anything else—the image of God as portrayed by a man and woman in marriage. And again, because it is easier for guys to get gratification through achievements and accomplishments than it is through relationships, they tend to overdo it, especially if they are feeling inadequate in those interpersonal areas. Spending too much time at work, or being preoccupied with it when not there, is a trap they fall into that is destructive to them and their relationships.
Now, I actually
like
work and the sense of accomplishment that comes with it. And I’ve met too many women who hitched their wagon to a deadbeat, lazy guy who won’t work to provide for her and her children to give the impression that men shouldn’t work hard. But like everything in life, we need the proper perspective. It is human nature to want to overemphasize whatever things meet our needs. So if working makes us feel good about ourselves, we are likely to feel compelled to work all that much more.
Especially with a younger man working to build his career, it is often hard for a wife and family to compete with the emotional stimulus and psychological satisfaction a job or business gives. On the other hand, because it is so tied into his sense of self and value, work can be very stressful when it is not going well. Success at work tells the world he is competent; he is worthy of the mantle of manhood.
Many men have told me that their work is everything. They need to work in order to feel respected, especially by their wives and children. In fact, when I first closed my consulting firm and started full-time ministry, I think I initially detected a certain lack of respect from my teenage son and daughter due to the sudden drop in income. It wasn’t obvious disrespect on the surface, but it was definitely there, hidden somewhere deep in their attitudes. And when finances were tough and revenues sagged, I always wondered if I didn’t detect just a slight amount of contempt in my wife’s attitude as well. It was probably all in my imagination, but it was still a genuine fear.
It could be that even Christians fall into the trap of—subtly or not so subtly—teaching themselves and their kids to judge by economic status. Fortunately for me, Suzanne has now seen enough miracles and lives changed to know God is involved, and it overrides any instinctive lack-of-respect reaction she might have had formerly.
Men have also told me that they understand the burden of not supporting one’s wife as a man should. I believe it leads to a wife having a subtle but very real disrespect for her husband, though I also think she’d deny it to her death. It’s not a lack of love or abandonment in any sense. It’s more like a low-grade fever, which never makes you sick enough to put you down but hampers you nonetheless. I’ve found that while the love continues, the unease or shaking of confidence a wife feels when her husband is not the hunter-gatherer he should be translates into a low-grade loss of respect that eventually may manifest itself in difficult ways. I don’t have a solution for that, but men have to do what they must in order to fulfill their obligations and responsibilities as husbands and fathers.
Perhaps the lesson here is that all of us (men and women) need to learn to be content with what we have and with whatever economic level we are at in life. I don’t know too many people, whether they are rich or poor, who don’t still yearn for what they don’t have. This discontentment in life is destructive and is at the root of many failed relationships.
Of course, every man needs to find a balance between work and family. It’s easy for a man to get absorbed in his work because it’s easier and safer for him than navigating the many aspects of a relationship. He gets to measure his accomplishments through his work. And young men get caught up in the desire to make their mark in the world. But understand that providing for his family is one of the fundamental drives that God has placed within a healthy man. Men with a healthy masculinity enjoy accomplishing things by meeting goals—it develops their self-esteem. It makes them feel like a man. It makes them feel powerful to be depended on provisionally. To be needed is to be alive.
Men have been called by God to provide. Paul says, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8). Because God created him this way, a man may feel like he is showering his wife with love by working long and hard. A woman can inadvertently sabotage his heart in this area by complaining. For instance, when his wife grouses and complains about how much he works—that she doesn’t feel like he loves her because he’s gone so much—a man is genuinely confused. The truth is that he is working hard precisely
because
he loves her so much. Often the more dissatisfied his wife is, the more he will work in an attempt to solve the problem, which of course makes the problems of the relationship that much worse. But the man knows no other way than to work all the harder.
Today men as providers are not as important as they were for thousands of years. Their primary role in life has eroded because women are now providers as well. That means that most men do not get the satisfaction and appreciation they crave through working to provide for their families. In the past, men solved problems by working harder. Now when they throw themselves into their work, they compound the problem by being away from their family, creating even more problems. While women file for divorce in this country, they seldom do so because of a lack of financial support. They do so because their emotional needs are not being met. Most men don’t realize that until it’s too late.
Being appreciated is one of a man’s primary needs. He measures himself through his achievements and needs them to be recognized. When a woman seeks appreciation, she is likely seeking to be more understood and validated. Men derive their worth from what they
do
, while women derive their worth from who they
are
.
1
A Woman’s Role
 
A man’s role is to make life easier for his wife and children, not more difficult. One of the major ways he accomplishes this is through providing for them financially and materially.
Many women complain that their husbands have a preoccupation with work and work-related issues, or that they put work before the family. To keep this in perspective, remember that a man who works hard for his family is better than the alternative. Some women have regretfully been saddled with men who did not feel compelled to support their family. Be that as it may, a woman can use her influence either to make a man’s work beneficial to him and the family, or to make it a bone of contention between them. One of her roles is to help her husband balance that fine line between work and family.
Too many men
are
defined by their job, not by the men that God created them to be. But we are all defined not by what we do but by who we are in God’s economy. A wife is a powerful influence in creating a healthy self-image in a man. A man works as a gift to himself and an offering to his wife. Providing for her is one way to honor her and tell her he loves her.
Another area a woman needs to remain cognizant about is her husband’s career. Many women aren’t sure exactly what their husband does for a living. They have some vague idea but really don’t understand what he does on a daily basis. A woman in one of our workshops told me she had an image of her husband as the goofy, insecure teenage boy she had first met. But when she went to his office, she was shocked to find out he was actually a high-powered attorney who commanded the respect of hundreds of important people.
My wife has told me how surprised she was when she first visited my engineering firm’s office and saw me interacting as an equal with bank presidents, attorneys, city officials, and powerful real-estate developers on a daily basis. It gave her a new perspective on the man her husband was when not in her presence.
Work is a battle and requires a wife’s understanding. The paycheck is not the most important thing. A wife must use her intuition and be supportive if the work is affecting her husband’s health and their relationship or if a job change is in order. Sometimes a family needs to take on a new standard of living to allow a change in jobs for a better quality of family life. Understand, though, that even if a job is stressful or harmful to a man’s health, he will never take a lower-paying position if his wife complains about not having enough money or material goods. Even if a job change would improve his emotional and physical health, he would see it as an affront to his manhood not to support his wife in a manner that satisfies her needs as best as he is able. He will risk his health and longevity to earn his wife’s admiration, respect, and contentment in this area. A man will literally work himself to death to give his wife the things she wants.
A woman can greatly influence how much and what kind of work a man does. If you think your husband works too much, take a close look at the messages you might be sending him. Discontentment sends messages of inadequacy, while contentment projects satisfaction. A wise woman recognizes the difference those messages send and encourages her husband to make decisions that benefit him and their relationship in the long term.
Contrast these two scenarios:
Carmen’s husband worked long hours. She longed for more time with him. She felt like his focus on work meant that he didn’t care about her. Consequently, she started making subtle hints that she would like him to start spending more time at home instead of at work, and while he was home it would be nice if he wasn’t always distracted by thinking about work issues. Carmen’s husband either didn’t hear what she was saying or didn’t understand, because he seemed to ignore her requests. As she became more frustrated, she began to vocalize her requests more frequently and with greater volume. She tried everything to get her point across, but her husband just seemed to ignore her repeated requests. Even though she felt bad about coming across as a nag, she didn’t know how else to make him understand her need for intimacy. She also felt that his job was unimportant and did not pay enough to meet all their monthly bills. But Carmen’s husband would never risk leaving his job or working fewer hours if his wife already felt he was not providing adequately. As Carmen’s frustration mounted, they began to argue more often and their relationship steadily deteriorated.
Irene’s husband also worked long hours. Irene desired more time with him and suggested that he cut back on his work hours. As expected, Irene’s husband didn’t seem to process her request; at least, his actions didn’t change. Even though frustrated, Irene recognized that nagging or complaining didn’t seem to work very well and decided to try a new approach. She started doing two things. First, she gave him frequent positive encouragement regarding his level of provision and how much she appreciated all his hard work. Second, she began to be excited to see him every time he came home from work and let him know how much she loved being with him. After a period of time, Irene’s husband began working fewer hours and spending more time at home. As their relationship improved, they started sharing their feelings regarding the work situation. Irene’s husband eventually confessed that the more she had complained (nagged) about his job, the less time he
wanted
to spend around her. And when she became more discontented and frustrated, the harder he felt he needed to work to earn enough money to make her happy again.
Two separate women with the same problem—two very different approaches with differing outcomes. Which one was more effective for both spouses?
 
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
—Love the fact that God made him so different.
Men can’t help working.
Men derive satisfaction and self-esteem from work.
When men are working, it is difficult for them to focus on anything else.
Men often work more in order to solve problems in their relationships.
Men need to be needed.
 
Get inside His Head
A man shows his wife he loves her by working hard to provide for her.
Balance between work and home life is difficult for a man because relationships do not give him the same sense of accomplishment as work does.
Work is important to a man. More than just income, it is part of who he is.
 

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