Beat (The Beat and The Pulse #1) (9 page)

Chapter 15

Ash

That first night, I
cleared out before Ren woke.

During the night,
she’d turned over and flung an arm over my stomach, her cheek resting against
my shoulder. I reached over and tucked a loose strand of dark hair behind her
ear, probably the only gentle thing I’d ever done in my entire life, and slid
out from under her. If she’d been awake, there was no way in hell she would’ve
been caught dead with her arm around me. I’d made sure of that.

I scooped up my
stuff, dragged my sorry ass out into the hall, got dressed and went home. Once
I got to the small studio I rented near the city, I beat off in the shower like
a fucking jerk.

Ren didn’t even
acknowledge me when I returned to start training with Coach and the Twins later
that morning. Was she pissed, embarrassed or something else? I was too stupid
to know. 

That was the first
day that I found it in myself to approach Coach about the financial situation
of Beat. I never cared that much before, but I wasn’t that dumb that I hadn’t
seen all the red warning notices that were mailed on a weekly basis. They were
littered all over the desk upstairs.

You could say getting
to know Ren had sparked something in my dead heart, or I could’ve just grown
the fuck up over the past four years. Who knew?

I owed Coach for a
lot more than taking me back under his wing. A hell of a lot. Without him, I’d
never have had a shot at pro in the first place. I’d not only fucked up my
dream, but his as well. If I could get his studio back to what it used to be,
then that would be a start at fixing everything that I’d broken.

Knocking on the
office door, I cracked it open, peering in at Coach who was hunched over the
desk, worrying his temples.

“Coach?” I called
out.

He sat up straight,
shuffling a pile of papers with big red letters stamped on them, under a
folder. “Hey, Ash. C’mon in.”

Closing the door
behind me, I eyed the pile of letters he’d tried to hide and pulled the bank
cheque
out of my pocket.
Five minutes at the bank, a piece of paper later and here I was. Smoothing it
flat, I slid it across the desk with a thick finger.

Coach glanced at the
cheque
, then at me with
confusion. “What’s this?”

“I don’t need it,” I
replied.

He picked it up and
his eyes widened in surprise. There were a couple of zeros on that thing and
the chick at the bank had done the same thing.

“How…” he began,
totally lost for words.

I shrugged. Thai
boxing didn’t pay me shit, so there were only a few places that I could get
that kind of cash and Coach knew it. He wasn’t dumb. He took one look at the
cut on my face and knew what I’d been up to and if I was being honest with
myself, pretty much everyone else did, too. He was one of the few people who
could see right through me. My fingers were in a lot of bad news kinda pies.

“Ash-”

“Take it, Coach,” I
snapped. “I don’t want it. You need it. Win, fuckin’ win.”

I slapped him on the
shoulder and opened the office door.

“Ash?” Coach called
out.

I stopped, not
turning around. I didn’t like this heart to heart bullshit.

“Thanks.”

Grunting, I closed
the door behind me and thumped down the stairs.

Ash Fuller growing a
heart. What the fuck would happen next?

I was too weak to
stay away, so I came back to Beat that night and the night after that to train with
Ren. Soon, it became normal and I found myself outside of the studio without
even thinking about it.

Nobody knew, nobody
suspected and as far as I could tell, Ren never told anyone about it either.

Every night, we
trained hard together and hardly spoke about anything other than what technique
we were working on and then crashed upstairs. It was a tentative ceasefire of
sorts, one that was a fine line between something a little too far and
something a little too much.

Our tentative truce
went on for a week before I had the guts to do the stupidest thing of my life.
Lying next to her, holding her in my arms, feeling her tight little ass against
my thigh…it was enough to drive a man to ruin. Ren was ruining me and I didn’t
know how to stop it.

I thought I knew my
limits. Turned out, I didn’t know a fucking thing.

Staring at the
ceiling, while Ren nestled into my side, I wondered what it was about her. Was
it the fighting? The training we did together? The fact that she could give me
shit as much as I gave it? Or that she could stand up to all the crap in her
life and fight? When I stood up to all the bad things in mine, I exploded. She
didn’t and I wasn’t sure if what I felt was admiration or jealousy.

Ren had a stunning
body because of her dedication to learning MMA. Her eyes were dark and drew you
in, her hair was long and begged to be pulled, her lips were perfect and her
tits…fuck her
tits
...but it was more than that. More than physical. I
fuckin’ wanted her and I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Ren?”

“Yeah?” Her voice was
barely a whisper, but her lips were right near my ear.

Turning my head, our
noses brushed and I slid a hand over her waist.

“Can I kiss you?” I
asked, knowing that I'd be pissed at myself later for showing weakness in front
of her. Not just any weakness - my weakness for
her
.

Our lips were so
close that I felt her breath as it fluttered against my skin. My dick was hard,
but I couldn't go that far. It wouldn't be fair to fuck her when I was already
being such a selfish cunt. Not waiting for her answer, I sucked her bottom lip
into my mouth. I thought I was horny for Ren, but I didn't realize just how
horny she was, too.

The moment our mouths
connected, her leg found its way round my waist and her lips parted with a
sigh. I licked into her, our tongues teasing, testing the waters, and that's
all it took.

Her hand brushed
against my boxers and I grasped her wrist, pinning it behind her back. Fuck, if
she touched my dick, I was done. She couldn't touch my dick.

I pressed my thigh
between us, keeping her from grinding into me, and cupped her face in my hand,
claiming her mouth again. She was so fucking sweet.

Her and I
together…she chased away the demons. They were gone.

Pulling back, her
eyes met mine and they were full of questions I didn’t have any answers to.
Rolling over, I closed my eyes and sleep came quicker than it ever had before.

Selfish fucking cunt.

Chapter 16

Ren

Ash’s mouth.

Ash’s mouth on mine.

Ash’s
tongue
.

Fuck, he was a good
kisser.

He kissed me like he’d
fallen out of the pages of a romance novel, then rolled over and fell asleep
like nothing was out of the ordinary. Like I didn’t have a million questions.
Like I didn’t want to do it again.

I wanted to punch the
absolute shit out of him. Jerk.

I was so frustrated
and confused. Ash had just woken up and left without so much as mentioning the
kiss. He’d just rolled out of bed, pulled on his clothes and vacated the
premises. What the hell was with that?

That morning’s shift
at the coffee house was going fucking spectacular. I dumped a stack of dirty
glasses into the sink and they clattered to the bottom with a crash.

“Hey, Ren,” Seth
called out. “Don’t go breaking the shop, hey?”

I’d been working at
the coffee shop for over a week and things were working out great. I hadn’t
stuffed up an order, dropped anything or made an ass out of myself yet, so I
had that going for me at least. I hadn’t told anyone at Beat I had a job
elsewhere and nobody but Ash had seemed to notice and he was yet to rat me out.
Josie and I had always been here every morning anyway, so they wouldn’t even
suspect and I wanted to keep it that way.

Joseph paid me cash
in hand at the end of last week and first thing I did was go to the bank and
deposit it straight into my account. It wasn’t a million bucks, but it was a
step in the right direction.

“Sorry,” I called
out, dunking my hands into the water to scrub the coffee stained glasses. There
were only a few, so it seemed silly putting them in the dishwasher. Ren’s
budgeting tips one-oh-one coming into effect.

Seth came to stand
next to me. “Everything, cool?”

I stared at his
ironic T-shirt that had an image of a triangle with a galaxy space print.
Inside, it said,
Just Another Hipster Triangle.
 ”Nice shirt.”

“Thanks,” he said,
glancing down at his chest. “Ironic enough for you?”

“You’re the biggest
hipster I know, so it suits you.”

He laughed, shoving a
hand through his hair. “True.”

I turned back to
finished washing my pile of glasses, but he still hovered, so I glanced back at
him. He looked…nervous.

“Hey, so I’m really
bad at this…” Seth hesitated, scratching his head, a grimace plastered on his
face.

“What?” I asked,
knowing exactly where this was going and it stunk of Josie. Or then again, he
could be doing it all on his own.

“Do you wanna get
dinner or go to a movie or something with me?” he blurted.

“What, like a date?”

He laughed nervously.
“Yeah, like a date.”

Oh.
Oh
. I
stood there kind of stunned for a moment, trying to decide which way to take this.
I found myself wanting to say yes, but there was that thing that happened last
night.
Kissing
without explanations. I knew I had to sort it out with
Ash first. I couldn’t go out with another guy while whatever that thing was
with him was going on. It wasn’t fair on Seth.

Seth’s expression
fell. “I gather your deafening silence means it’s a no?”

“Sorry, it’s not a
no. Things are just complicated for me at the moment.” Complicated like,
whoa
.

Seth offered me a
small smile. “A not yet then?”

I couldn’t help
smiling in return. “Ask me tomorrow.”

He laughed, pushing
his glasses up his nose. “Deal.”

It wasn’t like I
found Seth unattractive. He was quite handsome with his designer stubble, lanky
frame and slicked back hairstyle and he actually talked to me like a human
being. He was this typical inner city hipster arty type who liked fancy coffee
and long meaningful conversations and once, I would’ve gone for him in an
instant. But that was then and this was now. Ash Fuller had wormed his way into
my bed,
kissed me
, and destroyed that simplicity with his muscle bound
moodiness.

I had to draw a line
and work out Ash’s game, because I was done waiting around for life to work out
at Beat. He needed to get with the program or get axed and I had to be strong
enough to go through with it.

Because…fuck…Ash
could kiss. He. Could. Fucking.
Kiss
.

Seth could be good
for me, a
safe
kind of good, but Ash? The jury was still out on that
one.

Ash stood in front of
me, his hair dripping from the shower. It was one am, post training session and
as per usual, he’d shown up without a hello and this time it was like nothing
had happened between us at all.

I hadn’t had the guts
to ask him what his deal was yet. How could I when he kept dazzling me like he
did? Standing there, half naked all the time, ripped abs on show, his green
eyes following my every move. My body was always poised like it was
anticipating his touch, but it never came. It hadn’t, at least not until he’d
kissed me the night before.

For the first time, I
had the guts to stare at his tattoo and read the words he thought were
important enough to keep forever. Rage. Heart. Rebirth.

“Like what you see?”
he asked with a smirk.

My gaze met his
briefly before falling back to his tattoo. “What does it mean?”

He picked up his bag
and began walking away. “A lot of things.”

I followed him out
into the studio. “Like what?”

“Like too many things
that I don’t want to talk about.”

Scowling at his back
as he began climbing the stairs, I bit out, “You never talk.”

He didn’t reply until
he was opening the door to my storage closet. “That’s what I like about this.
We don’t talk.”

Sighing loudly, I
fell into bed. He didn’t talk, he didn’t explain, he didn’t
anything
. It
was a whole lotta selfish right there. Did he think he was above me? The more I
thought about it, the more I wondered if this was just his outlet. His way of
getting what he wanted without commitment.

Was he
using me
?

The mattress dipped
as Ash climbed in beside me and a moment later the lamp switched off. I wanted
to kick him out and I wanted to sleep next to him again. Guess which one won
out over the other? What a weak little so-and-so.

Rolling over, Ash
covered half of my body with his, a thigh pressing between my legs. A strong
hand tugged my face to his and he kissed me. As soon as his lips touched mine,
it was the same as the night before. My entire body came alive with fireworks
and I pressed upwards, my breasts jamming hard against his chest. His hand
moved from my face and pressed my hips back into the mattress, separating my
body from his.

Slapping his hand
away, I sunk my teeth into his bottom lip, causing him to moan softly. I needed
him to touch me, I needed him. What the fuck was his game, coming in here and
letting things get this far? What did he get out of this? All I got was a
bucket load of pent up sexual frustration.

He plunged his tongue
into my mouth, claiming me for himself, looking for some kind of solace. Was it
like fighting was for me? Did it serve as some kind of distraction? I wasn’t
going to be his distraction. Fucked if I was letting him use me like a cheap
piece of meat.

It took all my will
power, but I pushed him away with the flats on my palms, shoving his chest as
hard as I could. He broke away, a frown on his perfect fucking face. Why did he
have to look like
that
?

“What are we doing,
Ash?” I asked through a heavy breath.

“Kissing.”

He went to take my
lips with his again, but I turned away. “You know what I mean.”

He didn’t answer, his
gaze flickering to my lips.

I scowled. “You've
been coming here every night for over a week-”

“Don't you want me
here?”

“Yes,” I said,
shaking my head. “That's the problem. I want you. I want you to touch me.”

“I am touching you,”
he said through a heavy breath.

“You know what I
mean, Ash.”

He swallowed hard and
sat up, shoving his hands into his already messy hair.

“I hardly know you,
but I want you to be mine.” I let out a shaky breath, hoping my heart would
stay stuck together. “I want to be yours. I want you to touch me. I want you to
take me
.”

He hissed sharply,
refusing to look at me. “You deserve better.”

“I think I know what
I want,” I drawled.

“You’ve got plenty of
other options.”

I bit my bottom lip,
trying to stem the tears that had sprung to life in my eyes. “I haven't got
anyone, Ash.”

“You've got your Dad.
You’ve-”

“My Dad doesn't give
a shit,” I interrupted. “I live in the fucking storeroom. I'm the apple of his
fucking eye. He didn't care when he walked out on me and my Mum and he still
doesn't.”

He finally looked up
at me, his green eyes full of something I didn’t understand. “Ren, I don’t
think-”

“I'm here because he
feels guilty, not because he loves me. I’m using him for Beat and the free
rent.”

“Ren, I-”

“Why won't you put me
out of my misery?” I wailed. “Does it turn you on, getting me into the palm of
your hand and teasing me every night? Then teasing me during the day by
flirting with Monica, the bitch who wants me dead? Is that what this is? A
game?”

He stared at me, his
expression changing so fast, I had no idea what was going on in his pea-brain.

“Just tell me, Ash.
You’re using me for comfort or what-fucking-ever this is to you. I’m used to
being used and dumped, so just fucking do it. Rip it off like a band aid.”

Abruptly, he shoved
the blanket away and began pulling on his clothes. I watched him dress, my
heart cracking. I shouldn't be surprised. I shouldn't be holding back tears.
This was the inevitable end I’d been waiting for all along.

Without a word, Ash
was on his feet, wrenching open the door. When it slammed closed behind him, my
already damaged heart just disappeared into oblivion.