Beast Denied (20 page)

She wrapped her arms around herself. “It’s not that easy.”

“Not much is. Not if it’s worth having.”

She smiled up at him. “It was for us. Easy. Worth having.”

“Can’t argue with that.” He raised his eyebrows. “But then you went and fell in love. With a moron.”

About to deny that she was in love with Tynan, she let the words die on her lips. There was no point lying to Nathan. He knew her too well. Instead, she reached up and touched his face. “I never asked you how you felt about me and Tynan. Never thanked you for stepping aside and leaving us to it.”

He gave a shrug that was so typically him. “Any fool could see you two were the real deal. And you know me, I’m not a sticker. What we had was good while it lasted.”

She went on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. “You’re a special man, Nathan Quinn. Some woman’s going to be very lucky one of these days.”

He grimaced. “Not going to happen, sugar. I’m immune to anything but temporary where females are concerned.”

With his forefinger, he tapped up her chin and kissed her. But it was no peck on the cheek. That wasn’t Nathan’s style. Instead, he gave her a full-blown lip lock.

When he released her, they grinned at each other. “I’ll take your bags inside, then I’ll make myself scarce. Got some slabs I need to lay on the side patio. If you feel the need, I can let you have one to knock some sense into lover boy.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

She went with Nathan into the house, then made her way around to the office, where she found Tynan hunched over the desk tapping away at the keyboard. He spared her a glance. “Fucker had no right calling you. I’m fine.”

Unceremoniously, Naomi dumped her medical bag on the table beside the desk. “You need to let me check you out. What were you doing when your back locked?”

“Minding my own business.”

She ignored him, but temper spiked and burned her chest. “Are you still in pain?”

“No.”

“Nathan said you’ve been downing painkillers like they’re going out of fashion.”

“Nathan needs to butt out of my affairs.”

Still he kept tapping at the damn keyboard, his eyes focused on the data that screened on the monitor. Naomi studied his profile, noticing the tension lines around his eyes and mouth. He was paler than normal, a drawn look on his face. The way he sat, stiff and unyielding, gave her a good indication of how much discomfort he was in. People often held themselves that way to try to offset pain in the body.

Her heart squeezed, but she knew there was no point railing on him. He’d just dig those stubborn heels in deeper. She kept her voice steady. “Will you let me check you out?”

“No need.”

“You’re still in pain. I can tell.”

He eased back against the chair and scrubbed a hand through his hair. “What the hell do you want from me, Naomi?”

“Right now I want to see if you need treatment for your back. Has it ever locked up this way before?”

He inhaled deeply, then let it out on a long, resigned sigh. Still he didn’t meet her gaze. “Once. Way back. Year or so after the accident.”

When he’d likely pushed himself too far in an effort to prove he was still capable of extensive physical endurance just like the other males.

She glanced around, her gaze falling on the long table holding several files and a couple of tablet computers. She went across and started piling the folders and unplugging the tablets. If Tynan started to object, she would simply ignore him. One way or another, she intended to check him out.

When the table was clear, she walked back to Tynan. He’d gone back to whatever he was doing on the computer, but, obviously aware that she stood beside him, he looked up.

He didn’t speak, and for long moments, Naomi just stared into those amazing green eyes. The deep scoring etched around them did nothing to deter from their power, and she wanted to reach out and smooth away the tension lines. But the invisible barrier between them was an almost palpable thing.

Guilt mingled with regret, but Naomi knew she had done the right thing by building that defense. Pushing her personal feelings aside, she focused on her professional duties. “Come on over and lie down. Do you need me to help you?”

The look he flashed her could have melted ice, and she wanted to throw up her hands in disbelief. What was it about these bloody alphas that the offer of physical assistance could be so objectionable?

But then his eyes narrowed, and in them she saw the truth of it. He didn’t need or want any help from her. In fact, right then she imagined he didn’t even want her in the vicinity.

Well, it was too damn bad. She folded her arms across her chest.

“You either let me check you out, or I call an ambulance. Your choice.”

His hand wrenched through his hair again. “Okay. O-fucking-kay. Anything to get you off my damn case.”

She stepped back, barely able to keep from reaching forward to help him up. Although he tried to disguise it, she noticed his slow, careful movements and the way he bit back a grimace when he placed his hands on the desk and heaved himself out of the chair.

Naomi winced inwardly, suffering each new grip of pain with him. In that moment, she would gladly take his pain as hers. The man she loved was hurting, and she wanted to take all that hurt away.

But she had given up the right to do that, which meant all she could do was call on her medical expertise to help him in a practical way. He really needed to see a specialist. But that was another battle for another day. Although, it wouldn’t be hers. If her plans came to fruition, she would soon be leaving for London again.

She swallowed back the melancholy that came with the thought. It wouldn’t do to dwell on it right now.

Instead of moving toward the table she had cleared, Tynan turned around. He placed his hands on the back of the chair and straddled it.

“It would be better if you’d lie down.”

Tynan let out a sigh. “This is all you get, Doc.”

Naomi supposed she’d have to make do with it. The more she pushed him, the more he’d resist her. She lowered her arms, steeling herself against the tremble that moved through her body at the sight of his powerful shoulders, his impressively broad back. Reaching out, she laid her palms gently over his lower back. The whole area felt like granite. It was a wonder he could move at all with that amount of tension in his muscles.

She grabbed a handful of his shirt and tugged it from his waistband. “Can you unhook the button of your jeans? I need to…get my hands down to the base of your spine.”

When he complied, Naomi tugged down his jeans. She swallowed when the crease of his backside came into view and despite her best efforts she couldn’t stop the ripple of heat that moved through her body.

Chastising herself for her lack of professionalism, she stood behind him and placed her thumbs at waist level either side of his spine. “Try to relax as best you can. I’m going to apply a little pressure to each area.”

After waiting a couple of seconds, Naomi pressed down and began to massage through the tension. On more than one occasion, she had to remind herself that she was a doctor, a professional, and right then Tynan was simply a patient. But it was almost impossible to forget the way he’d felt against her, the way she’d felt against him. The feel of his hands gliding over every inch of her, just as hers had journeyed over every inch of him.

She was jolted from her inappropriate reverie by Tynan’s sudden reaction to pressure at the base of his spine.

He jerked, his shoulders jabbing forward. “Shit.”

“Sorry.” It seemed like small stones were lodged beneath her thumbs, and she eased up on the pressure, massaging smoothly and gently until she felt him relax a little. “I’m going to press down harder again. Tell me if it’s too much.”

He remained silent, although she could tell from the slight jolt of his muscles each time she hit the spot.

She kept up the pressure for several minutes, until her own back started complaining about the angle at which she stood bent over him. But she knew he was feeling relief from the way his body had slumped forward, his forehead resting on his folded forearms. Beneath her hands, his skin felt smooth and warm, the muscles releasing more with each rub and press of her thumbs.

Placing her palms flat on his lower back, she ran them up each side of his spine and then down again. Slowly, rhythmically. She manipulated him with the heels of her hands, while her fingers pressed lightly into his warm, and now yielding, flesh.

Soon, the repetitive movements lulled her into a dangerous reverie, and memories of their time together filled her head, her heart. A bittersweet melancholy descended, fueled by the realization that she would never again feel him against her…moving over her…driving inside her. That they would never again be lovers. That he would never be hers.

“Shit,” Tynan muttered, yanking her from her trance. “You’d better stop doing that, Doc. Unless you want to be responsible for an entirely different part of my anatomy going into spasm.”

Chapter Fourteen

Tynan didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone move as fast as Naomi did when he told her she was responsible for giving him one hell of an erection. But the slow and steady feel of her hands sliding up and down his back had been the best panacea for his aches and pains. As a result, blood soon starting circulating in other areas of his anatomy.

Magic hands, he thought. She’d done a damn fine job on both his muscles and his erection. Right now, he felt fucking good about the former and bloody frustrated about the latter.

When she’d first put her hands on him, he’d steeled himself against her touch. It was torture having her steadily manipulate his flesh, while her soft breath whispered over his back and her heady scent invaded his nostrils. Everything inside him rebelled at the contact, while his very soul craved it.

Standing well away from him, Naomi ran her hands up and down the front of her skirt. “All I was trying to do was give you some pain relief because you’ve been stupid and pushed yourself to extremes.”

“If I want to push myself to extremes, that’s my business.”

“Then what was all that crap you gave me about learning to live with the consequences of what happened to you? Accepting that life is different because of it? You’re still determined to push things, Tynan. You’re still determined to prove some ridiculous male pact thing that says because you’re a first born you have to be some macho idiot who can outrun, outsmart any other equally macho idiot in the pack. But no, you’re not going to allow the past to screw up your future, are you? All you’re going to do is risk permanent injury for the sake of proving to yourself and everyone else that your injury doesn’t define you.”

Gingerly, he sat upright, put a hand to his back and stretched. Jeez. It felt amazing. “Maybe I listened to what you said about choices, about being free to make your own decisions, not let anyone else control you. Or maybe that’s only your prerogative. Doctor Naomi Flynn is the only one who gets to live without interference from anyone else.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“Yeah? Then tell me something.” Placing his hands on the back of the chair, he stood and shoved the chair away. “How does my choice of pushing myself physically differ from your choice of shutting yourself off emotionally?”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Damn right it is. You told me to back off, to leave you alone. I did. But then you come marching in here determined to administer to what you think are my needs, and when I tell you to back off and leave me alone, you just keep on pressing until you get your own way.”

He kept his eyes on hers and took a couple of steps toward her. “Well, maybe I’m going to take my lead from you yet again, Doc. Maybe I’m going to press and push until you have no option but to let me in.”

A startled expression came into her eyes and there must have been something perverse in him that he took pleasure in knocking her off balance. It seemed only fair, seeing he hadn’t exactly felt steady since he’d seen her hurrying out of Seth’s hotel. She’d cut him off at the knees, rocked his whole fucking world off its axis, and she had the nerve to insinuate she was the only one scared of losing control.

“I came here today as a doctor,” she said, that haughty chin angling into the air. “The only thing that interests me is your health.”

“Last I checked, you weren’t my doctor.”

“You’re being obtuse.”

“You want to know about obtuse?” Facing her, he zipped his jeans and tucked in his shirt. “It’s throwing away something good because you’re too much of a coward to see it through. It’s letting some half-assed fear of what might be obscure what could be. It’s running away so that you don’t have to stick around and face up to what you really want.”

“I know what I want, and I’m doing everything in my power to get it.”

“The research fellowship.”

Naomi looked up, surprise lighting her eyes before resignation took over. “I might have known it wouldn’t stay confidential for long around here.”

Tynan pushed back the edge of panic that Naomi might soon be out of his life again for good. To hell with that. He wasn’t going to concede defeat until she outright admitted she didn’t want him.

“What happens after that?” he demanded. “More research? More accolades? Degrees and certificates aren’t much to cozy up to when the nights turn cold.”

“It’s not about degrees and accolades. It’s about helping people. That’ll keep me warm at night. I can’t give my attention to both my career and a personal relationship.”

“Talia finds a way. She’s concentrating on her career and keeping Caleb happy at the same time. Okay, he’s not doing cartwheels that she’s not pregnant yet, but he’s prepared to wait, to compromise.”

Naomi wrapped her arms around herself, her eyes flitting everywhere but at him.

He stepped closer, encouraged when she held her ground. There was something in her expression. Sadness. Despair. He ached to wrap her up in his arms, to take away every hurt and heartache she’d ever suffered in her life.

“Why won’t you give us a chance, sweetheart?”

She looked at him, tears welling at her lower lashes. She closed her eyes and shook her head. A lone tear tracked down her cheek, and it was his undoing. He drew her in, wrapped his arms tight enough around her to make his back complain. He ignored it.

She held herself stiffly in his arms, her hands tight to her sides. “You don’t understand.” Sniffing back the emotion, she eased out of his hold. “It’s best this way, Tynan.”

He caught her hands in his. “Are you still afraid I’ll try and run your life? That I’ll make you go in directions you don’t want to go?”

She shook her head again.

“Then what? Look, if you want to do this research fellowship, I’ll support you all the way. Whatever you want for yourself? That’s what I want for you too. Hell, we can get a contract drawn up to that effect if it helps.”

Naomi smiled a little but pulled one of her hands away to brush her cheek dry. She didn’t feel as if she had much fight left in her anymore. A determined Tynan was a powerhouse of irresistibility, and she suddenly felt drained. He’d worn down all her defenses until she had none left to hide behind.

All that remained was to tell him. Everything. When he knew, he would be able to move on. Just as she would.

“What do you want for yourself, Tynan? What do you really want?”

With no hesitation, he caught her hand again. “You.”

She gave a rueful smile. “And then what?”

His brows came together in a puzzled scowl. “I don’t get—”

“How do you see our lives together? When you look in the future, what do you see?”

He shrugged. “We’d be happy. We’d set up house somewhere, I’ve got a mind to build something out here on the moor if that’s what you’d want. A place big enough to raise our kids.”

Her fears confirmed, she eased her hands from his and took a step back. God. Her heart felt like it was breaking into pieces. “It won’t work, Tynan.”

“I want you, sweetheart. Have for as long as I can remember.”

She shook her head and repeated, “It won’t work.”

“Do you want me?”

Oh God. It was the simplest of questions, and yet the most profound. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t have you.”

He stepped close and held her face between his palms, tilting it up until their eyes met. “You can have me. I’m yours for the taking.”

Before the tears could form, she closed her eyes. Everything she desired was within her grasp. So close that all she had to do was claim it. But in reality, it was further away from her than it had ever been.

She opened her eyes, wanting to see his face when she told him. “I can’t give you what you want. It’s not entirely about me wanting to make my own decisions, my own choices.” And it wasn’t fair to let him think it still was. He was a good man. The best of men. He would support her, she knew that. With everything she had, she knew that. “I know you would always be there for me. I’ve come to realize that making my own choices means I can choose you, Tynan. And if it were that simple, that’s exactly what I’d do.”

“Then let’s make it that simple.”

She shrugged out of his hold and moved back against the wall. “You said you wanted a family. I can’t give you that.”

“Not right now, I get that. You want to focus on your career. But when you’re ready, that’ll be fine with me. I want you to be happy, sweetheart. I want you to feel that every area of your life is complete and whole.”

God, could this get any worse? Could she love him any deeper?

“It’s not that I don’t want to give you a family, Tynan. It’s that I can’t. It has nothing to do with my career, or timing, or anything. I can’t physically have children.”

He looked at her, and in his eyes, she thought she saw every emotion flash there, while the words she had never uttered were building in her throat, tearing at her heart. “It happened a long time ago. I was pregnant, and I lost the baby. There were complications, and as a result, I can’t conceive.”

He came to her, took her hands gently in his. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

She didn’t want to tell him any more. She didn’t want him to know.

“Have you seen someone? Got a second opinion?”

She nodded. “There’s nothing to be done. I can’t physically conceive. I’ve come to terms with it.”

He watched her intently, as if he didn’t quite believe her. “And you think that matters to me?”

“You want a family. You deserve that. You’ll make a great father and—”

“I want you, Naomi. Everything else is icing.” Before she could respond, he took her in his arms. “I love you. There are no stipulations on that. If you’re in my life, I’ve got everything I need, everything I want.”

Her heart aching, she angled out of his hold. He’d spoken the words she had never dreamed of hearing, but he was likely in shock. He hadn’t yet processed the reality of it.

She wrapped her arms around herself. “You say that now, but when Caleb has a son, when Nathan does, you’ll feel it. You’ll wish with everything you have that you had the same chance to be a father.”

“That means nothing without you. Don’t you see? You’re what I want. You’re who I love. I want to mate with you, Naomi. I want to marry you.”

Still she wouldn’t allow herself to believe him. Maybe she had to tell him everything. It was the only way he would accept the gravity of the situation, and what he would be giving up.

She took a breath, allowing her galloping heart to settle. “When I told you about my father, about him sending me away, about him going after you? It was because I was pregnant.” She waited a painful beat, every part of her aching anew for her loss. “I was pregnant, Tynan. With your baby.”

He looked as if she’d slapped him. Maybe she had. He stared at her, and in his eyes, she saw it all. The shock, the disbelief, the realization, and finally…the heartbreak. She wanted to go to him, to wrap him in her arms and comfort him. But she didn’t have the right to do that. He wasn’t hers to comfort.

“That night?” he finally said. “After that time…on the moor? We…”

She nodded. “I was frigid and naive, and yet I got pregnant.”

He moved away, his head down, and she knew he wanted to pace, the way he always did when he needed to work things through. But he stood, his feet planted, shaking his head as if the movement would help clear it.

“I thought for a long time that I had to be mistaken,” Naomi said, rubbing her suddenly cold arms. “You used a condom. How could I get pregnant? Then I remembered that I kept making you stop because it hurt. You pulled out a couple of times and must have dislodged the condom.”

“I should have taken my time.” He looked up at her, his eyes so ravaged it brought back every one of the emotions she had suffered when she had lost their baby. She had to keep reminding herself that he was suffering through them now for the first time. “It’s my fault.”

“Tynan—”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

She’d expected the question but found it hard to answer. “Everything happened so fast. I didn’t realize the truth until I kept being sick in the mornings. My periods were all over the place, and I thought that because our lovemaking had been so brief and painful for me, I couldn’t possibly have gotten pregnant.

“My mother got suspicious and she told my father. He was crazy mad. Said I’d disgraced him. He sent me to live with his sister, my aunt. I was so lost, so heartbroken about…everything. I hooked up with a couple of girls I met at the clinic. They were fun, and under their influence, I rebelled. I was so mad at my father, mad at my mother, mad at you. But that’s no excuse for what I did. We were at this party one night, and I had too much to drink. I was coming downstairs and lost my footing. The fall made me bleed, so they rushed me to hospital.”

She had to take a breath, had to steady herself. Tynan remained motionless, his face a mask of steel while he listened. It hurt more than the story she conveyed, seeing him holding back his anger, pushing down his heartbreak for the child he had lost.

Naomi swallowed. “I lost the baby. There were complications, and they had to operate. After that, they said I could never get pregnant again. My father wouldn’t let me come home. He said I’d gotten what I deserved and the world would be better off for not having to endure any of my offspring.”

“Bastard,” Tynan grated, his hands curling into fists at his sides. “Fucking bastard.”

“My aunt helped me get into medical school. She said a female had to make her own way in the world and not rely on any male to help her. She had never married. In fact, I think she hated men in general. Anyway, she was good to me, and I’m grateful to her for that.”

She rubbed her arms again and noticed that Tynan had released his fists so that his hands lay resigned at his sides. She wished that he would come over and hold her. She needed his arms around her right then, needed his strength, his support. Until that moment, she didn’t realize how much. But he was grieving, trying hard to process what she’d told him. He would need time to make sense of it all, to come to terms with it as she had.

“I’m so sorry, Tynan.”

His head snapped up. “None of it was your fault. It’s that asshole of a father who drove you to leave, who pushed you into retaliating against his brutish regime. I’d swing for the bastard if he were still around.”