Bearing Hearts (City Shifters: the Den Book 2) (5 page)

But the questions wouldn't stop and the moonshine only made them louder. He remembered to knock, though, softly enough she might hear but it wouldn't wake the kids. And then she said, "Who is it?" in a sleepy murmur that went straight to his heart. Right through his chest.

He opened the door a crack and slipped into the room, suddenly uncertain. She blinked and sat up in bed, though she held the blankets to her chest, and her hair stood out in odd tufts as she watched him. "Axel? What's wrong?"

He leaned back against the door after it whispered shut, not trusting himself to get any closer. He could see her in the darkness, the heart-shaped face and full lips and multi-colored hair. He knew all of her features already. They burned into his memory when he scared her in the backyard, and he'd never forget. "Did you love him?"

It wasn't the question he wanted to ask, and definitely not one he wanted her to answer. But he waited for her response anyway, the doorknob digging into his back. The bear needed to know. He hated that he sounded weak and sad. Resigned, maybe. He could blame it on the moonshine, doing crazy things to his head. Polar bears were never weak, even when they wanted to be.

Lucy sighed and rubbed her eyes, meeting his gaze with more clarity. "Yes. I did."

One arrow through his heart. Axel refused to react, though the words nearly choked him. "Did he love you?"

She took a deep breath, and some of her pain showed in those crystal blue eyes. "He said he wanted to but couldn't. That I was meant for someone else."

The whole fucking quiver stabbed him, and the polar bear's grief-filled rumble filled the room. Ragnar found Axel's mate by chance or mistake. He cared for her, protected her, but didn't claim her. Even when she loved Ragnar first. Axel might have stood there forever, hating himself and the world, but Lucy yawned and her teeth flashed white, distracting him. Her feet moved under the sheets as she peered at him. "Why are you in Kaiser's apartment?"

"He told me to sleep up here. Too quiet downstairs. Too lonely." Axel yawned, too, and dreaded returning to the couch and the solitude of the living room. "I'm sorry I woke you. I'll just —"

Lucy heaved a deep sigh and flipped back the sheets on the other side of the queen size bed. "If you promise to be a gentleman, you can sleep here. You're too big to sleep on that couch."

He hesitated. "Are you sure?"

"Should I not be?" And the look she gave him nearly stopped Axel's heart with shame.

He grumbled and took off his shirt before flopping face-first onto the bed, making her bounce when he landed, and buried his face in the pillow. She muttered and wiggled, trying to get comfortable again, but he didn't mind. She even dragged the blankets away from him and he couldn't have cared less. He thought for a brief moment of getting her more blankets, retrieving another half dozen from the living room to cover her until she wasn't cold. Her scent rose from the sheets and the pillows and her skin, until it covered him and teased its way into his brain forever. He wanted to tell her that she was meant for him and it would never work because he wasn’t good enough for her, but before he could start to form the words, sleep and the moonshine dragged him into darkness.

I
woke slowly
, deliciously warm and comfy and rested for the first time in ages. I opened my eyes but didn't move, enjoying the warm weight across my middle and the furnace resting against my side. And then I blinked, because an arm draped over me and a leg tangled with mine and it took far too long to remember who they belonged to. I lifted my head to squint at Axel, his head on the pillow next to mine and his mouth open in a snore. He snored all night, although I didn't remember it keeping me up. I woke occasionally and the soft rumble reminded me more of a purr.

Our conversation the night before came back to me in pieces as I watched him breathe. He'd looked so sad I couldn't stand the idea of him sleeping alone on that couch in the big empty living room. He sounded hurt and afraid of what I might say when he asked whether Ragnar loved me. I covered my eyes and willed away tears. That was the one thing Ragnar and I disagreed on. He said he loved me but couldn't act on it, that he loved me like a sister and that was all. But I knew differently.

I debated leaving, worming my way free of the sheets and Axel's arm, particularly as the scent of pancakes filled the apartment, but I couldn't make myself leave the soft cocoon of the bed. Axel sighed and his arm tightened around me as he muttered something in a foreign language, and he pulled me closer, halfway underneath him. My cheeks heated as he nuzzled my hair, still mumbling words I couldn't understand, and his hand drifted lower to squeeze my hip.

Well. That raised a few questions and promised a somewhat awkward conversation as soon as we both woke up.

I knew I should have woken him up. I knew it wasn't fair. But it had been a long time since I slept next to a man and he wanted to cuddle in the morning. And Axel was all heat and muscle, fierce and protective even as he slept — and wasn't furious at me. I remained still and he sighed and tried to pull me closer again, and I waited until his words trailed off to whisper, "Did you love your brother?"

His expression tensed and I held my breath, fearing he'd wake up. But he relaxed and his lips drifted across my temple. "He was the good brother."

"Do you miss him?"

"Every day." Axel sighed and pressed his face against my shoulder, his hand getting a little bolder on my hip and then my butt.

I braced a hand on his shoulder, ready to push him away if he tried for third base, even though part of me wouldn't have minded much at all, but froze as someone small and energetic pounded on the bedroom door. Axel woke with a snort, lifting his head with a puzzled expression, then he groaned and hid his face once more against my shoulder. And then promptly looked up again, peering at me. "What the —"

The door burst open and Tyler and Katie jumped inside, shouting about pancakes. Josie followed close behind, trying to shut the door. "I'm so sorry, Lucy, they —" She cut off and her eyebrows rose when she caught side of the blonde tangled up in the sheets with me, and my cheeks burned. But Josie only shooed the kids back toward the kitchen and added, "We'll set a place for you, Axel, but I'm guessing you're as hung-over as Kaiser, so you'll want some coffee first?"

He made a noise suspiciously like how a hung-over bear would sound, and didn't move. When the door closed, he peered at me with one eye open. "What the hell happened?"

"Nothing." I tried to wiggle free and his arm tightened around me, keeping me close, and I stared up at him as he squinted in the light. I couldn't breathe, and not just because his weight settled on top of me. "You knocked on the door last night, looking all mopey, and asked if I loved your brother. Then you promised to be a gentleman and fell asleep."

He frowned but didn't move. "I did what?"

"Yep." I cleared my throat, heat creeping up my cheeks as it became clear he was having distinctly ungentlemanly thoughts and his body reacted in the normal fashion. Against my hip. My eyebrows arched as I looked at him. "So..."

Axel blinked and abruptly turned red, pulling away and taking most of the sheets with him. "Right. I should go."

"Yeah." I wanted to laugh as he sat up and balled the blankets up in his lap as he scowled at the wall. Instead, I eased to my feet and shuffled to the bathroom, grabbing some of the clothes Josie lent me. When I looked back, he was staring at my ass in the thin pajama pants. I shook my head as I stepped into the bathroom to change, frowning at myself in the mirror. I needed to keep it together. Focus. Today was a new day and I couldn't let Axel distract me again. I would find Smith, we'd come up with a plan for how to deal with Ragnar's killers, and then I'd figure out what I'd do next. Those plans had no room for another polar bear.

I brushed my teeth and combed my hair into a ragged braid, the best I could do that early in the morning without coffee, and changed into jeans and a sweater. Axel still sat on the bed when I stepped out, though, and I stopped short when I saw him. "I thought you were getting coffee?"

"I need a moment." He managed to sound dignified rather than embarrassed, so I couldn't make fun of the guy. Apparently morning wood was no laughing matter.

I headed for the door. "Sure. I'm done in there, take your time. I'm sure someone would bring you coffee, if —"

"I loved Ragnar more than anything else in this world," he said, so quietly I almost didn't hear him. When I looked back, it became clear a different emotion kept him sitting there on the bed. Red rimmed his eyes as he stared at the wall. "And I fucked it up. It was my fault we didn't talk for ten years."

I wanted to touch his shoulder, to comfort him. Maybe lay back down in bed where it was safe and cuddle in the warm sheets, let him cry if that's what he needed, share memories of Ragnar and mourn together. Axel was the only person in the world who loved Ragnar as much as I did. Grieving him together might make it bearable.

I reached out, about to touch him, and he growled, "Don't."

I froze. Axel looked up, his eyes a blaze of gold, and an enraged polar bear stared back at me instead of the man, although the man still looked hurt. "Please. I can’t talk about him. I don’t want to talk about him. I shouldn’t have come in here. This was a mistake, I’m sorry."

A mistake? My jaw clenched until a headache sparked behind my eyes, and I was tempted to stay there just to antagonize him. Foxes did that all the time. But something about the set of his jaw and the hint of red in his eyes warned me back. Doing that could not be undone. So I took a deep breath instead and opened the door. "I'm sorry about Ragnar, Axel, but I loved him too. I miss him too."

Josie and Sarah looked up at me from the kitchen as I closed the door with a little more force than I intended. Kaiser sat up, one eye open, from where he'd been sleeping on the couch, and almost bounced Tyler off the cushion as he grumbled, "What's up?"

"Communication is not a strength of polar bears," I said under my breath, but pasted a bright smile on my face for Tyler. "Pancakes! Can we make mouse face pancakes? Or bunnies? What do you think?"

Josie cleared her throat, reaching around Sarah to turn off the burner on the stove. "Kaiser, honey, we could use some more firewood. Maybe you and Lucy can bring some up from downstairs."

"We have plenty of —" Kaiser cut off as Tyler jumped on his stomach, exhaling a comic
oof
that made Josie smile. But she looked at him sternly and Kaiser sighed, rolling to his feet even as he rubbed his temples. "Sure. Firewood. Lucy, would you mind helping bring up some kindling?"

"Of course." My cheeks burned as I followed him out to the creaky elevator. He seemed like a nice guy, but there was no telling what Axel and Sasha told him about our first meeting. Or about me and Axel's brother. I shoved my hands in my pockets and shivered, at least looking forward to having a fire in the apartment. "Thanks again for letting me stay, and lending me some clothes, and all that stuff. I'll pay you guys back as soon as —"

"Don't worry about it." His deep voice echoed and bounced in the industrial elevator, and he hauled the doors open as we stopped on the ground floor. "We're happy to help."

"Not all of you," I said, remembering the look on Axel's face every time I said Ragnar's name. As if I shoved a knife in his chest, too.

Kaiser made a grumbly, aggravated bear noise in his throat and lumbered toward the stack of cut firewood as he pointed me toward a pile of kindling. "Axel is... damaged. I make no excuses for his behavior, he's a grown man. And if I need to beat him into a bloody pulp because he did not behave himself in my den, I will." And he gave me a raised eyebrow look, waiting.

I flushed and shook my head. "He didn't try anything. He's just... confusing."

The big guy scrubbed a hand over his face, taking a deep breath. "Yeah, he's kind of an ass. I'm sorry. There is goodness in him, buried deeply, and I hoped... Well, I hoped finding you might bring it to the surface. Remind him there's light in the world. But he's fighting it."

"Why would meeting me make a difference?" I stacked kindling and tried to fit it all in my arms without dropping any of it, frowning as I reached for more. "I think I just made it worse."

"You're his mate." Kaiser shrugged. He said it so nonchalantly I almost didn't understand.

But the certainty of it hit me, and my arms went numb, and I dropped the kindling all over my feet. "Excuse me?"

Kaiser's bushy eyebrows rose, his mouth working soundlessly behind the beard, and a flush rose in his cheeks as his breath made clouds in the frigid air. "You didn't know?"

"I'm not his mate." I held my hands up and backed away, trying to process my racing thoughts as well as the fox’s enthusiastic confirmation of what Kaiser said. "I can't be his mate."

The alpha bear grumbled and rubbed his face. "I'm sorry, Lucy, I thought you and he discussed it. Since he was in your room this morning, I figured..."

"No." My knees wobbled and I sat heavily on one of the massive logs Axel had thrown aside the day before. Ice and snow crusted the surface and almost immediately soaked my borrowed jeans, but I didn't care. "You can't be serious. All that bullshit about the code... I thought it was a joke. I'm not his mate."

Kaiser gave one of those gusty bear sighs that sounded like he'd been saving it up for weeks, and he sat on his heels in front of me. "I don't get involved in the personal lives of my guys until they ask me, but Axel is too goddamn stubborn to admit he needs help. I would never suggest that mates be apart, because I know the pain of not having my mate beside me. It pains me right now, that Josie's all the way upstairs. It drives the bear insane to know I'm not with her. But I don't think it's your responsibility to fix Axel. It can't be. He needs to work on his own issues before you two can sort out what it means for you to be together, if that's what you both want."

"I thought you guys were supposed to uphold this code. You'd let me leave right now, if I wanted, even though you know I'm supposed to be with Axel?" The words barely escaped past my lips, and my teeth started to chatter. It might have been the cold, or fear, or even the fox, trying to express her opinion about all of the goings on.

He made a face and hesitated, so I knew I wouldn't be able to make a clean getaway, if it came down to it. "The code keeps us together; it keeps us strong when we have to face off with wolf packs and lion prides and all those other shitheads who think they can beat us just because they've got numbers on their side. But the code doesn't advocate keeping hostages, Lucy."

"I have business in the city," I said, still trying to sort out how I felt about what he'd said. Axel's mate. And still mourning the first great love of my life: his brother. His twin brother. My life wasn't supposed to be a soap opera. "I won't leave because he's got issues, Kaiser. I need to take care of some things, and that might take time. I won't —"

"I'm not saying leave the city." Kaiser straightened, rubbing his knee, and he started to gather the split logs he'd dropped. "Not at all. If your business is with Smith, we've got a lot in common. We work with his firm quite a bit and I have a suspicion he'll know a great deal about what you're interested in and how it ties to what we've been chasing after the last few months. I called him up last night. He's expecting us in an hour or so."

"Us?" I focused on the kindling as I stood, not wanting to just say I didn't want to be around Axel for a while. I’d felt something, the day before when he kissed me and that morning when we almost had a normal conversation, but I’d thought Ragnar was my mate. When I lost him, I just assumed I’d never have another chance at a love like that. I needed to sort through what it meant, how I felt, and I couldn’t do that with Axel around, wearing Ragnar’s face and reminding me of who I missed the most. "Which us?"

"You and me." Kaiser led the way inside to the elevator, though he paused before he hit the button for the top floor. "I have other work for Axel today, and however long it takes for him to work through all the stupid shit in his brain."

I didn't want to admit it was a relief, so I concentrated on not dropping the kindling. It felt like an eternity but it was just a blink before the elevator doors clattered open and Kaiser shuffled back into the apartment, careful to leave his snowy boots by the door. The kids cheered when they saw us, and stampeded over to the fireplace to watch as Kaiser set the fire. Josie argued with Axel very quietly in the kitchen, his face red, but she smiled when she saw me. "Just leave that over there. Sorry to make you earn your keep, babe. Do you want some orange juice or coffee?"

"Not a problem," I said. I brushed some of the splinters and dirt from my sweater and jeans, and gave Axel a wide berth as he frowned at Kaiser and then at me. "I might need to do another load of laundry, though."

"Too easy." She wiped her hands off as she handed me a cup of coffee, then brandished a spatula at Axel and pointed at the frying pan. "Don't let those pancakes burn, Axel, and you'd damn well figure out how to make a bunny. Tyler will be heartbroken if you make another mutant pancake."

I snorted as Axel muttered something and his ears turned redder still, the spatula appearing doll-sized in his hand, and he didn't look at me as I followed Josie to the back of the apartment and the laundry room. Once we were behind closed doors and hidden by the soft cycling of the dryer, I braced my hands on my knees and shook my head. "Well, this has been a hell of a morning. Finding a mate and getting mouse pancakes."