Be Good (12 page)

Another slap and another truth about me now out in the open
. I wondered why Brett wanted to be with me.

“You could stop,”
he said quietly.

“Stop what,” I said even though I knew what he meant. I wanted to hear him say it.

Brett looked at me with so much compassion in his eyes, my heart skipped a few beats. “You could stop drinking.”

I didn’t know if I was ready. I didn’t know if I
wanted
to stop. I liked alcohol and I liked how I felt when I was drinking. Well, most of the time. I didn’t like it when I drank too much and I certainly didn’t like being hung over.

“I’ll think about it
.” I turned away from him and crawled into bed.

“Okay,” he said but it didn’t sound like he believed me.

I didn’t think about it anymore. At that moment, all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

Seven

A kiss on my cheek woke me up. “Hey, Sleeping Beauty,” Brett whispered.

When I opened my eyes, I saw he was crouched down on the floor next to me. “Hey,” I said sleepily.

“The wedding is not until later this afternoon, so if you don’t have any big plans, there’s somewhere I’d like to take you.”

“Does it involve a garden?”

Brett smiled. “What would make you say that?”

“Just call it a hunch.”
             

***

A short time later, we found ourselves standing in front of the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum.

“Have you been here before?” I asked as Brett paid our a
dmission fees.

“Once, when I was a kid.
My parents took me here. I still remember seeing a javelina. It was my first and only time.”

“I was not so fortunate. Being nearly a decade younger than my two siblings, by the time I appeared
on the scene, my parents were fairly apathetic towards child rearing. It was a been-there-done-that parenting style. So, my parents didn’t take me here when I was a kid. They really didn’t take me anywhere because by the time I came along, they had already seen practically ever tourist attraction in Arizona and apparently had no desire for an encore performance with me.”

Brett leaned over and placed a kiss on my cheek. “Well, I am far from apathetic when it comes to showing you
new gardens, although this is more of a nature preserve with both plants and animals. I think you’ll enjoy it.”

The first thing Brett dragged me to see was the
sea otters in the Riparian Corridor. He was like an excited boy on a school trip and I have to admit, his enthusiasm was contagious.

“And this is the
Cat Canyon,” Brett said as he showed me the bobcats.

“If I ever move back to Arizona, I’m definitely planting some of these in the backyard,” Brett said as we looked at the
prickly pears in the Cactus Garden.

“Are you considering moving back? What about your job?
And your townhouse?”

“I love Palo Alto and I don’t want to move back but my dad’s getting older and he’s by himself, so that does concern me
. I’ve been trying to get him to retire out to California but he says it’s too expensive and he can’t afford it.”

I had never given a second thought to what would happen to my parents when they retired. I guess having two older siblings made me feel like I had less responsibility for them. Not that they would ever ask for me to take care of them. I think they’d rather rot away in a nursing home than
do that.

“How come your dad never remarried
?” I hoped the question didn’t sound too forward but I was curious. From what Brett said, his mother had been gone quite a while.

“I don’t think he’s ever really gotten over her death. They were high school sweethearts and from the stories I heard, neither one of them dated very much before they started dating each other. I don’t think my dad had much experience with other women.”

Like father, like son, I thought but I kept the comment to myself. It made me wonder in what other ways Brett was like his father. When I glanced at Brett, he looked deep in thought.

“Want to take a little break and sit by the
prairie dogs.”

I nodded. The
prairie dogs were adorable and I probably could have watched them playing for a while but I sensed Brett had more to say to me.  

Brett and I took a bench not very far from the
prairie dogs habitat but far enough away that we had some privacy from other sightseers.

Brett
could talk for days about nearly any topic but now he was being unusually quiet.

“What
’s going on?” I playfully knocked into his shoulder with mine. “Come on, spill. What did I do to piss you off this time?”

Brett looked at me with a serious expression. “Why do you put yourself down so much?”

“Self-deprecation happens to be flaw number one hundred and eleven.”

“Please stop. There’s nothing wrong with you. I don’t always agree with the choices you make but that doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“Tell that to my parents,” I shot back a little too forcefully.

“I don’t know your parents
; but from what you’ve told me about them, it sounds like your life growing up was less than idyllic. I get it. Mine wasn’t always a rose garden either.”

That surprised me. Brett was so perfect, I just assumed he grew up in some kind of ideal
Brady Bunch
clone of a household.

Brett took in a deep breath and then said, “Not many people know this because my dad did everything in his power to hide it but my mom was an alcoholic.”

That hit me like cold water splashed in the face. As surprised as I was by the admission it now made sense why he was so adamant about not drinking.

He continued, “Remember when I told you my mom died in a car accident? She had been drinking the night she died. She drank a lot. She always did for as long as I can remember. My dad later told me there was a name for what she was. He called it a functional alcoholic. Most people couldn’t see how sick she was. She still took care of me
, the household, and my father. But she always did it with a drink in her hand. And on the weekends, it was more than a few. The only time she didn’t drink is when she was in her garden. It was like her refuge. That may be the reason I liked to go out there with her so much and spend time with her there. Those times in her garden, I felt like I had 100 percent of my mother. When she was drinking, she was maybe 60 percent there. The other 40 percent of my mother disappeared in the bottom of a wine glass.”

I could feel myself shrinking and it was becoming difficult to breath. I thought about all the major mistakes I had made with Brett and they seemed to involve me being drunk. I felt like a complete asshole.

It was much clearer now why he had asked me to stop drinking. He saw what it had done to his mom. Was he trying to save me because he couldn’t save her?

For the first time in my life, I actually thought about what my life would be like if I stopped drinking. So much of my life had revolved around drinking
and for so long, it almost seemed like second nature. Just like I wouldn’t consider going outside without shoes on, I wouldn’t consider going out without drinking.

Of course, Brett didn’t drink and he was becoming a
large part of my life. We didn’t drink at all the entire weekend I spent with him and I didn’t miss it.

“I think I want to try to stop drinking
.” Even though I said the words I could feel the hesitation in my voice.

Brett grabbed my hand in his and looked at me. “I don’t want you to stop because of what I said about my mom. And I don’t want you to stop for me. The only reason you should stop is because you want to stop.”

I considered what Brett said. What if there were a number of reasons to stop? How could I separate them? Maybe I wanted to stop because Brett wanted me to. It was rattling my brain.

“I want to try
. I’m telling you upfront, I don’t think it will be easy. I’ve been drinking since I was twelve and most of the time, I like the way it makes me feel.”

“What about after we slept together and you didn’t remember it? How did that make you feel?”

That was harsh but the truth often was.

“Not very good,” I admitted. “No, that’s not true. I felt like complete and total dog shit.”

Brett nodded. “Was that the first time something like that happened?”

“Something like what?” I countered. I knew damn well what he meant but I wanted to make him spell it out for me. He would have to say it if he wanted me to give him an answer.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, “When you had sex with me and couldn’t remember, was that the first time or were there other times you had sex with a guy and couldn’t remember being with him? Were there other times you woke up next to someone and couldn’t remember who they were?”

I gulped. There were others.
Many others. Too many others. More than I was willing to admit. I nodded. “There were others. You weren’t the first.”

“And how did that make you feel? How does it make you feel now sitting here next to me admitting it?”

I tore my hand away from Brett’s. “It makes me feel like a slut. Are you happy? Is that what you wanted to hear? Is that what you wanted me to admit?”

He grabbed my hand again and even though I tried to pull it away he wouldn’t release his grip on me.

“Let me go,” I demanded.

“No,” he said firmly.

“But why?”

“Sorry, Anna.
You’re not getting away that easy. I want you to face what you’ve done and understand it. But I also want you to know that it doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t make you unlovable.”

I felt completely and totally unlovable and I had for as long as I could remember. “Yes, it does,” I sighed.

He shook his head. “No, it doesn’t. I’m still here. I’m sitting right here by your side. And I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re not very smart for a rocket scientist
.”

That got a half smile out of him. “And why do you say that?”

“You managed to pick up what could be the most flawed and damaged girl on the planet and you still want to be with her. That completely defies logic. Surely, someone with your knowledge and IQ can see that.”

“Of all the plants in the nursery at Target, you ended up with Marvin. Why is that?”

“They were getting ready to throw him away. He needed me. He needed someone to take care of him and bring him back to life.”

Brett didn’t say anything else. He just leaned over and gave me a soft kiss.

“Come on,” he said. “There are a few more things I want to show you before we head back to the hotel to get ready for the wedding.”

***

“How about if I come back to get you in an hour? Does that give you enough time to get ready?” Brett asked as we both stood outside my hotel room. I was staying on the first floor with the rest of the wedding party and Brett had a room on the third floor.

“Okay,” I agreed.

Brett gave me a kiss on the cheek but things still felt a little strained since our conversation sitting next to prairie dog exhibit. It made me wonder if Brett was regretting starting, whatever this was, with me. I couldn’t really call it a relationship. I wasn’t sure what was going on between us but I knew Brett was making me examine parts of myself that I had never examined, forcing me to deal with my shit and challenging me in ways that I had never been challenged before.

At least the bridesmaid’s dress I had to wear this time
wasn’t completely hideous. It was a little sapphire cocktail dress that actually looked decent on me. If nothing else, Brett would find me physically attractive. At least I hoped he would. He didn’t exactly act like other guys. I had a lot of experience with guys and Brett didn’t act like any other guy I had ever been with. It was unnerving that I couldn’t predict Brett’s behavior the way I could with other guys. Most guys thought with their small heads; Brett always used the one attached to his neck.

Once my dress was on and hair and make-up were perfect, I had a few minutes before Brett was due to pick me up. I paced around the room trying to burn off some excess energy. I didn’t know what to expect later tonight. Since I was a member of the wedding party, I got a room reserved for me. Not that Brett had suggested we got a room together or that I share his room. That was a little disappoint
ing. Maybe he still had doubts about me. Not that I could blame him. I could certainly understand him wanting his own space just in case.

A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. I breathed a small sigh of relief that he actually came back to get me. When I opened the door, seeing Brett
shocked me. He looked so sharp in his suit, which was fitted to his lean muscular body quite nicely. He looked kind of hot and I was surprised when my body reacted and I got a little tingly inside.

“You look amazing,” Brett said as he took me in. He looked at me the same way I had seen him look at some of the most precious flowers in his garden, with reverence and adoration. It was a look I hardly felt I deserved but most definitely wanted. He placed a soft kiss on my lips. “We’d better get goi
ng. I don’t want you to be late for the ceremony.”

Ten minutes later, we were at the church. Brett leaned down and whispered in my ear, “I’ll see you at the reception.” Then he gave me a quick kiss. “Be good.”

“I’m always good,” I said and winked at him.

That brought out a smile. I loved to see Brett smile. Especia
lly when I knew he was smiling because of me.

I joined the other two bridesmaids in a small dressing room and saw that
Olivia was having trouble getting her veil set. Olivia’s mom looked exhausted and feed up already and the ceremony hadn’t even started yet.