Backstreet Mom: A Mother's Tale of Backstreet Boy AJ McLean's Rise to Fame, Struggle With Addiction, and Ultimate Triumph (49 page)

One of the main revelations was how I was supposed to tend to my
own needs first whenever he and I came to an impasse. In other words,
if I saw Alex falling back into his addictive behavior, I simply walked
away and healed myself. That was a hard pill to swallow.

During the last few sessions, Sarah, my brother and I sat in a circle
with a group of other patients and family members. In the center of the circle were two chairs. The idea was for the family members and friends
to take turns sitting in the chairs to tell the addict exactly how he or she
had made them feel about issues dealing with anger, love, disappointment and pain.

The sessions, which proved to be very revealing, were split into two
days. On the first day, Sarah, my brother and I made a list of specific
incidents and went over them, telling Alex what he had done to hurt us
or to make us angry. He sat in one chair; we took turns sitting in the
other chair, going through our list of concerns. He had to sit there and
take it. He was not allowed to respond to our statements.

I began with, "When you went to New York and had me plan a birthday party for your cousin Kathy and you did not show up because you
claimed to miss three flights, I felt angry, hurt, sad and frustrated."

Alex took it on the chin.

"When you are on the road touring and I try to call you and you rush
me off the phone and promise to call me back, but never do, that makes
me feel very hurt and lonely," I continued. "You only call me when you
need something-or want to buy something."

Alex had never heard me talk to him that way. I could tell by his facial
expressions that my words were having an impact on him.

I pressed on: "When you were in Los Angeles on a video shoot and
you told me that you had tried cocaine but would not do it again, you
lied-and that made me feel hurt and sad. I feel the same way when you
are away from home and never call your family to find out how we are
or what is going on."

The following day, it was Alex's turn to face me in the circle and read
off his list of concerns about his relationship with me. I was apprehensive, to say the least-not just because of what I feared he might say, but
because I was surrounded by people whom, with the exception of Sarah
and my brother, I had never met until that week. I had to reach down
real deep to hold on for that ride.

Alex's first item on the list was one that was a sore spot with me,
not just because it burrowed to the core of my motherhood, but because it had been an issue in our disagreements over Donna's influence in his life.

"When you try to control my life and not let me make my own decisions," Alex said, sitting face-to-face with me, "it makes me feel sad,
hurt and angry"

Ouch! I had a response, but I was not allowed to open my mouth.

Alex continued: "When you act like a business manager, instead of
my mom, it makes me feel lonely and afraid."

Alex's representation of his life before rehab

My representation of life before rehab

Alex's representation of his life after rehab

My representation of life after rehab

Believe me, there was nothing easy about those therapy sessions. They
were very intense and emotional for all of us. Alex brought up some
things that really made inc think, like how he felt I was too controlling
and did not let him run his own life. That one struck a chord. Alex also
told my brother how Bill's drinking and sometimes fighting while Alex
was growing up scared him and made him angry. That gave my brother
something to think about. It was a very soul-cleansing experience.

One of the things that struck me was how Alex had seen the transformation into AJ taking place but chose to hold onto it instead of seeking
help. He had become the stage persona to such an extent that Alex really was hidden from everyone, even Sarah and his own family.

It was clear that he tried to escape by sleeping during the day. The
pressures of his career and the group had just become too much for him
to deal with. He became AJ-the-party-animal to escape from all of that.
I felt so sorry for him. However, once we discovered more about how
the insidious disease works, we realized that we had been enabling Alex
to keep up that game.

Time and again, we had made excuses for him to the other boys and to
his family. I felt very stupid for allowing that to happen, but I realized that
I was in a form of denial myself at the time, so it was easier for me to make
the excuses rather than face the alternative that my child was an addict.

One of the main things we walked away with from those sessions was
an understanding of the skills needed to react to Alex's manipulations. If
we saw him fall back into old habits, we knew there were things we could
do to deal with it. Just knowing that made us feel better about our ability
to cope with his disease. His recovery wouldn't be easy, but at least we
were now armed with the knowledge that we needed to help him.

I wrote volumes of notes during that week and saved them to refer to
if I needed them. The other things I saved were pictures. We were asked
to draw pictures for each other that represented how we saw ourselves
with Alex, before rehab and after.

Alex drew a lovely picture of him and me. There was a big red heart
between us as we held hands with the word "real" underneath the heart.
It made me cry when he gave it to me and explained it in his own words.
He wanted desperately to get back to a good place, where we were both
happy and trusting of each other again. So did I.

At one point that week, I was asked to write a description of what I
would consider a perfect day with Alex. I wrote: "To be with my son
where no one knows who we are-no bodyguards, no fans-just us at
an amusement park where there are all of our favorite rides and no
lines. Water rides, roller coasters, haunted houses. An entire day of fun, where when we want or need anything it appears and we are happy and
laughing all day long."

The Sunday before we left for home, some of the boys came to see
Alex. Not all of them showed up-and that was disappointing-but
Kevin and Brian tried to make him feel better and gave him all of their
support. He was grateful for that and probably quite relieved. He was
still very concerned about the fans and the tour, but he knew that his
focus must remain on his recovery.

They talked behind closed doors for a long time. Alex told me later
that they tried to figure out a game plan for when he was released. They
asked him to think about what he intended to do about the rest of the
tour and then they left on a happy note.

The last day of family week was amazing. Everyone sat in a circle in a
large room that was illuminated with bright lights. There were no shadows in which to seek refuge or solace. We each got up to tell the other
person what he or she had gained from the week and what their hopes
were for the future.

When the patients spoke to their families, they gave them a gold
token and held their hand. It was a very joyful but emotional time.

I rose and faced Alex with tears in my eyes.

"Hello, my name is Denise and I have learned about addiction, love
and my son's disease," I said, touching his cheek. "I prayed that when
he came here I would get back the son I lost to this terrible disease. I
believe that to be true. Thank you for giving me my son back."

Alex and I hugged, tears streaming down our cheeks.

Then it was Alex's turn. He gave me my token and said, "Hello, my
name is Alex and I have also learned a lot about my disease and myself.
I am grateful for having been here and ... Mom, you have your son
back."

Again, we hugged and wept.

WE RETURNED TO THE REHAB CENTER a week-and-a-half later to take Alex
home. Nicole went with me, as did Andre. Once Alex was released, we
drove back to Los Angeles, where he had rented an apartment before all of
the rehab began so that he would not have to fly all the way across the
country just to have a place to hang his hat. For the time being, he planned
to keep his house in Orlando. The L.A. apartment seemed the logical thing
to do, given that the boys were spending more time on the West Coast.

Before going back on tour, Alex decided to take ten additional days off.
Everyone agreed with that. The booking agents and promoters were given a green light to announce new concert dates based on his anticipated
return.

While he was in Los Angeles that first week, Andre took some pictures
for me to use on postcards to send to the fans who had written to Alex to
offer their support. By then, magazines were calling for interviews and
the media was buzzing about Alex coming out of rehab. Since he was not
ready to face that yet, I stayed with him for a couple of weeks before
returning home.

The first day back from rehab, Alex and I went to his apartment and
then walked to a nearby town square. As we walked, I saw the happiness
on his face when passersby recognized him. Many of the people we met
on the sidewalk shook his hand and congratulated him on his recovery.

Before we reached the street corner, we passed a homeless man on a
bench. It was hard to tell how old the man was since he was covered in
layers of clothing from head to toe and had long hair and a long beard.
I did not see much gray in his hair, so I figured he was still young. He
looked right at Alex as we passed.