Backstreet Mom: A Mother's Tale of Backstreet Boy AJ McLean's Rise to Fame, Struggle With Addiction, and Ultimate Triumph (44 page)

Alex stopped coming to family functions unless it was absolutely
necessary. He obviously was having a very difficult time dealing with
his grandmother's illness. He later admitted that when he was out on
the road he sat in his room and drank in an effort to forget about his
grandmother. That led him into a crushing depression. I suppose at that
time I was also in denial about him and my mom.

I had a very hard time coping with all of the problems. Dealing with
drug use and excessive drinking was foreign territory to me. Most people told me there was really nothing I could do anyway. Alex had to hit
bottom and ask for help. That probably just fed my denial. I adopted a
"wait and hope for the best" attitude.

Only later did I realize that no one, not even his manager, had done
anything to help him, for fear of rattling one-fifth of the money machine. Instead of helping him, they just labeled him a lazy loser and let it go at that. They never bothered to ask why Alex was engaging in that
type of behavior. It never ceased to amaze me that, invariably, everyone
around Alex fixated on the all-important "bottom line." The fear that
they might lose out on some precious commission was what drove each
and every decision.

I did receive a number of phone calls from the boys voicing their
concern. They said they thought Alex needed help, but they did not
really know what to do about it. With his behavior becoming more erratic, I again searched for a therapist who could treat him while he was
at home. I found one named Vicki O'Grady. She had a very enthusiastic
attitude and was always positive, plus she was recommended by a mutual friend.

To no one's surprise, Alex blew off his first appointment with the
therapist. My brother gave him a good talking to and he agreed to show
up for the next appointment. To make certain that he kept it, I drove
him there. Alex and I did part of the session together, so that I could
better understand what he was going through. I was desperate to bring
him back into the real world before his AJ persona swallowed him whole.
I did not want to lose him.

Vicki was helpful and Alex liked her, so he agreed to continue his
sessions while he was in town. It was my hope that working with the
therapist, focusing on the holidays and concentrating on his upcoming
show would keep Alex too occupied to have much time to associate
with the scumbags in town. Unfortunately, he made the time.

It was around that time that Mom had to be taken to the hospital
again because her body was retaining fluids. They treated her with strong
diuretics and sent her home. Once that crisis passed, she seemed to
improve during the Christmas holidays. She even felt well enough to
attend the Johnny show at the Hard Rock Cafe. We put her and my dad
up in the front row of the balcony, surrounded by family. She had binoculars and watched every minute of the show with a big smile on her
face. That made me very happy.

Sadly, she took a turn for the worse not long after the first of the year,
when the pacemaker stopped working effectively. She took to her bed
and refused to eat for long periods of time. When she was no longer able
to walk to the bathroom it became necessary for them to insert a catheter. None of us felt that she could last much longer under those conditions. We took it day by day.

Early in 2001, Alex went to Los Angeles for a press event. While
there, he walked into a karaoke bar one night and was struck by a beautiful girl named Sarah Jo Martin. She had the body of a model with long legs and curvy hips.
Her face was heart
shaped with a beautifully bright smile and
sparkling eyes. Even
though Alex was impressed with her looks,
when he heard them
introduce what song
she was going to sing,
he just laughed and
walked out. Apparently, she planned to sing
a heavy-duty R&B
song.

Alex, always the performer, gives his annual
Christmas speech

As Alex stepped
outside for a smoke, he
heard her begin her
song. It was the voice
of an angel with attitude. He rushed back
into the bar. As soon as she finished her set, he introduced himself. She
did not seem impressed. Not in the least discouraged, he laid the old AJ
charm on her and asked her out on a date.

She said she was too busy to go out with him. Undeterred, Alex pursed
her even harder. Finally, she gave in and agreed to go out with him. It
turned out that they had quite a bit in common. Sarah had recently
experienced the sudden loss of her sister and she understood Alex's
anxiety over his grandmother.

Alex remained in Los Angeles for a long time, both because of Sarah
and because Backstreet was shooting a music video. While he was away,
it became clear that my mother did not have much longer to live. She
had refused to get out of bed or eat for a number of days. My dad was
beside himself. Over the past few months, we had taken Mom to the
hospital several times when she got that way. This time was different.
She was tired of being sick and wanted it to be done with it.

On Easter Day, the nurse who had taken care of Mom and Dad helped
us make a decision to call in a hospice nursing team. We knew that
meant we were down to days with Mom. I wanted to alert Alex to the
grave circumstances he would be coming home to, so I called him and
explained what was happening. He was devastated. He said he would hurry home just as soon as he could. He spoke to the other boys and
they cleared a few days in the schedule for him to return to Florida.

The boys were aware of the situation and did not give him any problems about leaving. They all had met Mom at one time or another. In
the early days, she even cooked dinners for them when they were rehearsing. They never forgot that.

Alex flew home on a Saturday, but we did not see or hear from him
until late Monday. We tried to contact him several times to let him know
what was going on. Our efforts were in vain since his cellular phone had
been turned off and he did not pick up his house phone. I knew that my
son was hurting terribly and would not let anyone help him. Instead he
turned to the glommers for support. That tore me apart.

Not only was I worried about Mom and Dad, but also I was in a
constant state of panic over my son's whereabouts. I knew instinctively
that he would run for a drink to try and escape what was happening. I
was upset with him, but at the same time I felt the need to help him. My
stomach was in knots and my nerves were a mess. I did not sleep or eat
for most of that week.

Finally, Alex called and told us that he was coming over. He made it
clear that he did not want to be questioned about where he had been, so
we avoided the subject. His grandmother was our main concern at that
point. Alex visited intermittently during that week, but then he disappeared for hours at a time without saying where he was going.

My brother and 1, along with family and friends, stayed at Mom's
bedside during those final days. We wanted her to know that we were
there and tried to make her feel as comfortable as possible. In her delirium, Mom had been getting angry with Dad and it was stressing him out
terribly. She would wake him up constantly, yelling about one thing or
another. Most of it was due to the hallucinations she experienced as a
result of her medication. There was not too much of that Dad could
take, but he wanted to be by her side as much as possible.

Nicole came to stay with me at the apartment and helped me through
that terrible time. She had always been there for me. She is very much
like a daughter to me. She loved Mom in her own way and since she had
lost her dad many years before, she knew all too well what I was going
through. Nicole helped me keep my sanity probably more than she knows
during that week. For that I love her.

On Wednesday, the Hospice nurse told us that Mom could pass at
any moment. For that reason, we tried to keep Alex around for as long
as he would stay. He was acting very weird. He kept coming up with one
reason after another to leave. Having him around had become more tiresome than helpful, as I kept asking the same questions over and over
again. Why did he have to go? What was so important that he needed to
leave us at that moment?

At the time, I did not realize that he was leaving to drink or take
drugs in an effort to ease his pain. I could not see through my own
suffering. His need for me was great, but I was so involved in that situation that I was unable to give any more of myself. I was splintering
apart from the stress.

In a way, denial had become a viable alternative for me. I know now
that using Mom as an excuse for blinding myself to my son's condition
was probably wrong, but, on the other hand, what could I have done to
stop him? Alex had the time, money and connections to obtain whatever he wanted. I was not about to get in my car, follow him around town
and try to get in the middle of the mess he had made of his life. He
would only be able to get help when he was ready.

I had heard numerous horror stories of overdoses and arrests. There
were so many bad things that happened to kids when drugs and alcohol
were involved. I felt an urgent need to protect him like I had always
done. Alex was still my fragile, little boy who needed his mother to take
care of him. Or so I thought.

Mom hung on for longer than expected. Everyone was able to take a
turn sitting with her alone to say what he or she needed to say and be at
peace. Alex used his time with her wisely, I think. My brother had an
exceptionally hard time saying goodbye to Mom. The nurse and I talked
to him and we explained how Mom's time had come and he needed to
let go. It was so very difficult for all of us. As we sat with Mom, Alex
suddenly informed us that he had to leave to get something for her. He
said he would be right back. I think he just could not face what was
about to happen.

Mom slipped away quietly shortly after he left on a Thursday night,
at home with all of her loved ones around her except for Alex. She
passed while he was out getting a doll in his likeness and a heart-shaped
crystal to give to her. Alex returned just as the funeral home arrived to
take away her remains. He gently placed the doll and crystal under the
sheets so that she could take them with her.

Everything had been pre-planned. My brother and I had chosen a
funeral home a month earlier, which meant we did not have to face
those decisions during our greatest time of grief. It was the best thing
we could have done. Dad needed us so desperately, and we needed each
other. I could not imagine sitting in a strange place trying to make those
kinds of decisions while in a state of mourning.

It was a long night. We all crashed from exhaustion and cried ourselves to sleep. Alex brought blankets and pillows with him and stayed
the night. Even though her passing had been totally expected, it was
still a shock to know that she was gone forever. I would never be able to
speak to her again or hug her or listen to her laugh. It was a devastating
time for me. I tried my best to be strong for my son and my family. The
death of a loved one is something that you never get over. It is made
that much more horrific if you are a close-knit family. I still miss her.

The next day, Alex was due to fly to Los Angeles to finish the video
shoot, but he didn't want to leave, so we sat down and talked. After a
lengthy discussion that often got very emotional, we decided that it was
best for him to honor his obligations to the group. He left for L.A. the
next morning and returned a few days later to attend his grandmother's
funeral. He gave a loving and tearful eulogy at the service. Seeing the
love that my son had for his grandmother warmed my heart. Little did I
realize that I was seeing the last of Alex for a long time. The AJ persona
was gaining strength by the day.

I felt terrible for him since he had to turn right around and fly back
out of town the very next day. Alex had no real time to grieve. That fact
alone would be reason enough for him to fill the huge hole in his heart
with self-pity, drugs and alcohol.