Backstreet Mom: A Mother's Tale of Backstreet Boy AJ McLean's Rise to Fame, Struggle With Addiction, and Ultimate Triumph (48 page)

Sarah and Marcus met us in the lobby and we exchanged hugs and
kisses. Sarah seemed very nervous but happy There were a lot of people
in the lobby-other relatives and friends of patients just like my son.
From that area, we could see down a long, well-lit hallway that we were
told led to the main building and dining room.

I went to use the restroom. Off to the sides were some small classrooms with couches and chairs. As I walked back to join my brother and the others, I asked if Alex had been told that we were there. The
answer was yes.

Journal Entry, July 15, 2001: As we stood there waiting for him, my heart
pounded. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other in anticipation.
Then, suddenly, Alex appeared and my heart jumped to a new place. Our
eyes filled with tears as I ran to grab onto him. He held me and cried into my
shoulder as he said hello.

After what seemed like a very long hug, I let him go and we walked
back to greet everyone else. He kissed Sarah and gave Marcus and my
brother long hearty hugs. Then he took us on a tour of his temporary
home. As we made our way around the entire facility, Alex talked about
everything there was to do. He told us about the classes and the horses
and just expounded on tale after tale of his first week.

I listened to his every word and my insides danced with glee as we
followed along behind him. There was a genuine bounce in his step that
I had not seen in a long time. His skin glowed with health and he was
very relaxed. Those were all of the things that had been missing from
him for a long time. I was happy to see that they had returned. I was
also greatly comforted by the fact that my most pressing question had
been answered. Alex was safe, getting the help he needed and in the
right place.

Alex was learning a lot about nutrition, exercise and discipline. He
talked about having to do all the normal everyday stuff that I realized he
had probably never done for himself, things as mundane as laundry.
Between his grandmother, his girlfriends and me, there had always been
someone around to do it for him. When they were on the road, a staff
member collected his laundry from him and returned it clean.

At the treatment center, Alex experienced some aspects of life in the
real world that he probably would not have encountered for years had it
not been for his addiction. Not that I was going to start a plus list for
that. There is no upside to addiction, just a very long downside.

Alex told us that he had made some new friends in his therapy group.
They had learned a lot about each other during the therapy sessions, and
that had brought them together as a group. There was a young man in his
group named Barkley who suffered from a similar addiction to Alex, but
for much different reasons. He came from a well-to-do family of professionals. Barkley had some issues from his childhood that were being addressed and he really got along well with Alex. He was a very likeable
young man. We all developed a fondness for him during that month.

Alex asked me two questions when I arrived: "How are the boys?" and
"What are the fans saying about me?" I told him what the boys had done
on MTV and he was relieved that they had broken the ice for him. Then I
relayed to him how the fans had reacted. We had gotten so many letters,
calls and c-mails of support that we were completely overwhelmed.

I told him that we would have to do something nice for them when
he got out and we would talk about it later. He was so relieved. He said
he thought people would hate him for what he had done and how he
had screwed up the tour. I said no, just the opposite. Everyone was
behind him and he should not give it a second thought.

Alex told me that he had spoken to Kevin, who informed him that
some of the boys planned to visit him over the coming weeks. They
really needed to see for themselves that he was okay-especially Kevin,
who still felt bad about the fight they had had before Alex left the tour.
I told Alex that I had thanked Kevin for what he had done. Alex said he
felt the same way. He felt that Kevin had saved his life.

After we walked the grounds, we sat in the dining room and talked
more about his experiences since he had arrived. He told us about the
coyotes he heard at night and about a certain type of wild boar that
wandered around right outside the fence of the facility. He had even
seen a couple of tarantulas. They were very large and furry and could
jump up to six feet. He and I agreed we were not fond of them.

While we were there, Alex was called to a class. We walked around
outside for a while longer and then later met him for dinner. There was
a small gift shop stocked with books about addiction, stuffed toys and
all sorts of staples like toiletries and such. It was fascinating to look at
all the information on addiction. I purchased a couple of books to read
on the flight home. I also bought a stuffed toy for Alex as a memento
from his loving mom.

Dinner was very pleasant in the airy dining room. I learned how the
food was prepared with the addict in mind. They served very plain food
because even certain types of spices could be triggers to an addict. There
were also patients there with eating disorders and they were served first.
That way, their choices were fewer and their diets could be overseen. It
was an interesting lesson.

To be honest, I wasn't interested in the food. I was too busy relishing
the fact that I was sitting across from my son as he ate his dinner with
more gusto and happiness than I had seen in a long time. The day passed
much too quickly. Before we knew it, we were hugging our tearful goodbyes. We watched as he retreated down the hallway to his room. I think
he was crying when he walked away. That was difficult to see.

I took heart in the fact that I would see him again in a couple of weeks
for family week, and in that I would be able to speak to him more frequently on the telephone until then. Alex told us more about family week
in the phone conversations that followed. For the first few days, we would
not be able to have any contact with him. We had to stay within our
group of other parents and spouses. Then, during the last couple of days,
we would come together as one large group to do some exercises and
therapy sessions. It sounded like it was going to be very intense, but it
needed to be done. That seemed frightening in a way, but my brother and
Sarah were coming back with me, so at least I would not be alone.

DURING THE NEXT SEVERAL WEEKS, Alex called me to talk about his father. He had discussed him in therapy and it brought up some very raw
anger issues. The therapist had him beat a pillow with some type of
stick to help release his anger. He broke the stick. He spoke a lot about
the divorce and the abandonment issues he was working through.

The main reason for Alex's call was to ask if I thought it would all
right for him to have his father come to family week. That would allow
them to work out some of their stuff. I said definitely not. It was not
okay with me. I had been there for Alex all of his life and was now going
through all of this as well.

I would have felt very betrayed if his father had waltzed into the
picture at that point and stole the show. There were too many unresolved things between us that had to be dealt with before he started
with his father. After I had said my piece, Alex agreed. To my relief, we
ended the call on a happy and loving note.

I told my brother what Alex had suggested. He felt I said exactly the
right thing. My brother would have felt uncomfortable as well if my exhusband had been sitting there listening to all of us bare our souls in
therapy. He had not been a part of our family for over twenty years. That
gave him zero right to be involved in the healing process. It was too important for those of us who really loved Alex to help him work through
that time in his life. His father had long ago given up any right to be there.

I proceeded to read as much as I could over the next several days
about addiction. I also had to fill out several questionnaires in preparation for family week. We had an entire workbook to go through during
that time. When I showed it to my brother, he was amazed. "That's heavyduty stuff," he said.

It was a necessary evil, though. It was that hare-bones work that
brought out all of the feelings and emotions it would take to begin the healing process. It was a large learning curve for me. I had never dealt
with therapy before. The closest thing I had done was go to a marriage
counselor. We all know how that turned out.

When the time finally arrived to fly out for family week, I was filled
with excitement at the prospect of seeing Alex again. At the same time,
I was fearful of the unknown, though I had prepared myself mentally
for the week and had gone through the entire workbook several times
over. I was as ready as I would ever be.

My brother was also nervous, even though he found comfort in the
fact that he would be seeing Alex again and would be helping him work
through his issues. He was also using this time as a healing point in his
own life. Her confided to me that he had never really confronted his
own drinking issues. He felt that this would be a good time to learn
more about his own demons.

The week started out on a silly note. When we arrived at the center,
Alex was bopping around with a bandana on his head and smiling like a
loon. It was obvious that something was up with him. It was not until
he took off the bandana at dinnertime and peeked at us from the hallway that his little surprise was revealed.

Alex had shaved his head!

I have to say, at that moment he looked like a real mental patient.
Since he knew we were not allowed to make any physical contact with
him for the first few days, I knew he had done it for shock value. We
just laughed it off.

As the week progressed, we went through some pretty intense emotions. The group sessions revealed a lot about our family dynamics. We
learned who had been the strong influences on Alex while he was growing up. It was mostly Mom and me, with Dad and my brother running a
close second. Mom's influence on him did not really surprise me since
she had been the family icon.

There was also a lot of discussion about Alex and his intense desire,
from a young age, to please everyone. It was enlightening for all of us.
We learned a lot more about Sarah and her family during that week. She
had her own issues, given the recent passing of her sister.

We also learned about other patients' situations from their parents,
siblings and spouses. The group counselors were more like mediators
than therapists; they only joined the conversations if we reached a question or stumbling block. At first, everyone was rather timid about sharing information. As we grew to know each other better, the tenseness in
the room eased. We were all there for the same reason.

We talked about why and how we believed our loved one had become an addict. Then we focused on how to cope with the disease. That
was a revelation for me. Before that time, I had never really thought of
addiction as a disease. They gave us many statistics for different levels
of addiction and recovery. The odds were really kind of depressing. Many
addicts relapse during their first year of recovery.

The key to recovery was to follow the twelve-step program established by Alcoholics Anonymous. They believed that by following those
steps and focusing every day on that day's recovery, an addict could live
his or her life free from substance abuse. There were other groups that
were specific to each type of addiction. Whether it was cocaine addiction or teenagers with addictions, every disease had a program geared
toward that specific problem.

The concept for each group is essentially the same. It is based on the
belief that everyone has the capacity to be healed by a Higher Power.
Alcoholics Anonymous has always defined that Higher Power as God,
but some treatment programs have redefined it as whatever the addict
chooses his or her Higher Power to be. At Alex's treatment center, some
people went with nature, energy or, in one case, electricity. That person
actually wore an electrical-outlet cover on a neck chain; it was proof of
their devotion to the Higher Power of electricity. That was kind of weird,
I thought, but whatever works, I guess.

Other steps in the AA recovery program required Alex to acknowledge that his life was unmanageable and that he was powerless over
alcohol. He was also asked to admit to himself, his higher power and
others who knew him the exact nature of what he had done wrong in
his life. Finally, he was asked to make amends to those he had harmed
and to seek a spiritual awakening.

With each day, we moved closer to the therapy sessions, which were the
final step in the process. We learned increasingly more about the disease
that had taken hold of our loved one and how we would be making a very
important decision in their recovery That decision was whether or not to
continue to be their enabler. That was key. I learned how I had enabled
Alex to manipulate my family and me over the past several years. How our
concern and ultimatums were not really the right course of action.