Back To Us (10 page)

I took a sip, then a gulp. It was perfect, and exactly what I needed.

“So what are you going to do?” Susan asked.

“Nothing. There’s nothing to do. Justin probably thinks I’m not good enough for him, and he’s right. You should see the building he lives in.”

“If he was like that, then why would he be working at the community center?”

“Working with a bunch of poor kids at a community center is not the same thing as dating some girl who lives in a cockroach-infested apartment and can barely afford her rent,” I argued, even though I knew Susan had a point.

One of the reasons I liked Justin so much was because of the way he was with the kids at the community center. He probably didn’t really need to work at all, but for some reason he did, and he seemed to love his job. He knew
all
the kid’s names and they all really liked him. So if the whole social status thing wasn’t a big deal to him, then he’d turned me down for another reason. Maybe he just wasn’t interested. Maybe he liked blondes or skinnier girls. I wasn’t what anyone would call fat, but I definitely filled out a pair of jeans.

After three rum and cokes Susan cut me off, although I could’ve sworn the last one was mostly coke with just a splash of rum. I was tipsy, but definitely not drunk, and I wanted to be. It sucked being nineteen and not being able to buy your own alcohol.

Susan wanted me to crash on her couch, but I decided to go home instead on the off chance that my brother stocked up on beers while I was gone. He wasn’t home, the refrigerator was as empty as I’d left it and it was way too quiet in the apartment. I turned the TV on just for some noise and fell asleep eventually, still in my clothes. The next thing I knew my alarm was going off. It pounded in rhythm with the stabbing headache I woke up with. I willed myself to get out of bed, but I just couldn’t. Not just because of my headache either, I couldn’t face Justin, not with a hangover, and not after what had happened the day before.

I called work and left a message saying I was sick. Mrs. Connor would put two and two together, but I didn’t really care. With the covers pulled back over my head I sank back into a dreamless sleep and woke up a few hours later to the sound of my phone buzzing.

Five missed calls. Three from Justin, one from Mrs. Connor and one from Susan. Justin had also left two text messages.

Are you okay?

And

I’m assuming you’re not answering your phone because you’re not feeling well and need to rest, but if I don’t hear from you by the end of the day I’m coming over.

The last text made me unleash a barrage of profane words. Angry as I was I texted back because I didn’t want Justin to make good on his promise to come over. The last thing I was in the mood for was facing him.

I’m fine. Just have a stomach bug. Nothing to worry about.

Three more weeks. That’s how long I had left at the community center. I could handle the humiliation. With some careful planning, I could probably manage to avoid Justin altogether. I’d get to work early, before he usually arrived and stay away from the break room. Three weeks of nothing but pizza and hotdogs for lunch was totally manageable.

I stayed in bed most of the rest of the day and only got up when my brother came home from work. 

“I got you General Tso’s,” Mike announced as he came inside, “and your favorite Ben and Jerry’s flavor.”

I could have hugged him. Instead, I dove right into dinner and dessert.

“You didn’t go to work today?”

I shook my head as I filled my mouth with a spoon of ice cream. “Nope.”

“Don’t let him do that to you, J. He’s not worth it.”

“It’s okay,” I said, feeling good for the first time since Justin’s rejection. Maybe it was the ice cream or lying around in bed all day that did it. “I’m over it.”

Or so I thought.

Wednesday and Thursday passed and my plan to avoid Justin went off without a hitch. I only saw him fleetingly in the hallway at work as I ran outside for lunch, too fast for him to try and strike up a conversation. I tried not to think too much about the fact that he hadn’t come to look for me in my classroom. My ego was already bruised enough without dwelling on that fact. Instead, I occupied my mind with thoughts of the upcoming fall semester. I’d registered for a full load of classes, and when they started I’d be too busy to think about Justin.

Friday came. Just like I’d done the two days before I’d arrived at work early to avoid running into Justin. But when I walked into my classroom there he was, as gorgeous, more actually, than I remembered, even though it had only been a few days since we’d last spoken. My heart thumped in my chest and I swore under my breath. I was only here for two more weeks, why couldn’t he just have stayed away?

Justin stared at me. I stood still for a moment, not sure what to do, then I averted my eyes from his and walked over to my desk. I stashed my purse into the same drawer that I always did and pretended like he wasn’t in the room at all.

“Do you mind telling me what’s going on with you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said as I took a seat behind my desk.

“You’re avoiding me.”

“Yes, well I guess I don’t take rejection that easily. It’s not exactly something that I’m used to. Sorry if that bothers you.”

“I didn’t reject you.” Justin put his hands down on the edge of my desk and leaned forward shortening the distance between us.

“I have a student coming in a few minutes. This isn’t the right time.”

“Your student can wait, I’m sure she won’t mind.”

“Well, I mind. I’m here to work, not socialize.”

“Jess. . .”

There was a knock on the door. One of my students, Olivia, had shown up.

“I know I’m early. I can come back later if you want me to.”

“Yes, Olivia,” Justin said. “That would be great.”

“No, it would not.” I looked up at Justin. “Justin, please. I don’t want to do this again.”

Something simmered in Justin’s eyes, I wasn’t quite sure what, maybe anger. He walked away without another word to me.

“Bye, coach,” Olivia said, as he glided past her.

“See you later, Olive.”

“You know he’s the only one allowed to call me that.” Olivia took a seat and started emptying her books onto the table. “He’s cute for a white boy. I think half the girls on the team have a crush on him.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. But at the same time I felt sad. That was Justin. He drew people to him, all types. I loved that about him. All of a sudden, I began to feel bad for the way I’d acted for the past two days. I was being a brat just because Justin didn’t want to date me. We’d been friends before, and just because he didn’t see me the way I saw him, I shut him out. What kind of friend did that? I vowed that at the end of the day I’d find Justin and tell him I was sorry, and that I was also okay with us just being friends.

“You know I’m pretty sure Coach Justin likes you.” I barely registered what Olivia said, I was so lost in my thoughts.

“What? Why do you say that?”

“He stares at you when you’re not looking, and he’s always asking about you, and telling us to make sure we treat you nice.”

“That’s just Justin being Justin.”

Olivia shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

I opened one of Olivia’s books. “Did you come here for tutoring or to talk about Justin?” The last thing I needed was someone getting my hopes up about something that wasn’t going to happen.

At the end of the day it was Justin who came to look for me. I was bent over trying to retrieve my bag and didn’t even hear him come in. It wasn’t until he spoke that I knew he was in the room with me.

“You’re not running out of here until we finish the conversation from this morning.”

I placed my bag down on the desk. “I’m actually glad you came back.”

Justin sat in an empty chair and pulled out the one next to him. “Can you sit beside me?”

I did as he asked. We both started to talk at the same time.

“You go first.”

“No, you,” he said.

“Fine.” I wasn’t sure where to start. “You have to realize I’m not really the type of girl who goes around asking guys out. In fact, you’re the first guy I ever asked to go on a date with me. So when you said no. . .”

“Wait a minute,” Justin jumped in. “I never said no.”

“Okay, so you didn’t come right out and say no, but you did say you just wanted to be friends.”

“You don’t get it at all.”

“Hey, you wanted me to go first, so let me finish saying what I want to say.”

“Fine.” Justin held his hands up in surrender. “Go ahead.”

“Anyway, like I was saying. I’m not really used to rejection, so I got upset. I figured you thought I wasn’t good enough for you.”

“What?” Justin shook his head and looked at me like he was confused.

“But then something Olivia said this morning made me realize something.”

“What did she say?”

“That you were cute for a white boy.” Justin looked even more confused. “It’s just that everyone likes you, all the kids you coach, crazy Don, Mrs. Connor. And it’s because you’re nice, and there aren’t enough nice people in this world. So if it’s okay with you I’d like it if we could at least still be friends like you said. I know Brooklyn’s a kind of long ride from where you live, but maybe we could meet somewhere halfway and hang out sometimes over the weekend. As friends. I promise I won’t ask you out again.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

Justin got up from his chair and started pacing nervously. “See, the thing is,” he finally said. “When you asked me out, I didn’t actually say no. I wouldn’t, because the truth is I’ve wanted to ask you out since the first day we met, but I just didn’t have the balls to do it.”

That wasn’t what I expected him to say. My heart started fluttering wildly in my chest, like a hummingbird’s wings, and for a second I wondered if I’d heard him right.

“And then you asked me out the other day in my office, and it was after you found out about my legs, and I was sure you were only asking because you knew how much I liked you, and you thought asking me out would make me feel better.”

“Oh my God, no. I wouldn’t do that.”

“That’s what Mrs. Connor said.”

“Wait. You told her?”

Justin stopped pacing and turned to look at me. “I kinda did. I’m sorry. But she knew something happened between us and she kept asking. Are you mad?”

“No, it’s fine.” I stood up and walked over to where Justin was and reached for one of his hands. For some reason he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I lifted his chin and locked his gaze with mine. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

“Oh, Jess. I’m no good for you.” I took his other hand and held them both. Justin moved closer to me and his forehead came to rest on mine. I reached out and touched his cheek. He was standing so close that I could feel the heat from his body. Between that and the way my heart was beating away in my chest I felt dizzy, drunk. Before I knew what I was doing I reached behind the nape of his neck and pulled his lips towards mine. They were softer than I imagined they’d be. I felt like I was melting into him. Our lips parted and I tasted him. He ran his hands through my hair and I felt his body quiver ever so slightly. I pulled him closer and then all of a sudden he just stopped. His lips left mine, and he stared into my eyes.

“Please don’t do that again.”

That was the last thing I expected him to say. I stared at him in shocked silence. “You didn’t like kissing me?” I knew enough about men to know he had been really into that kiss, at least at first.

“No, no, no. That’s not it.”

“Then what?”

“I liked it too much,” Justin said. “So much that I want to do it again and again, but I can’t. You deserve someone whole.”

“Is this because of your legs?” I asked. “You’re turning me down because of that?”

“I’m not turning you down. At least that’s not the way I see it. I’m telling you that I’m not the right guy for you. I want to be, badly, but I’m not.”

“Shouldn’t that be my decision to make?” I didn’t get what Justin was telling me. It made no sense.

Justin leaned on the edge of the desk behind him. “All summer I’ve been working up the nerve to ask you out, but I just couldn’t do it. And then I got an infection in one of my legs and I couldn’t use my prosthetics and I was stuck at home and the whole time I was thinking about you, and then you showed up. That look on your face. . .”

“I told you, I was just surprised, that’s all.”

“Jess, even with the prosthetics I can’t do things that normal people can. I can’t jump into a pool on a moment’s notice or dangle my feet in a stream.”

“How many streams are there in New York City, Justin?”

“You’re not getting my point. Sometimes I’m still in pain. I don’t sleep well most nights unless I take medication. I have flashbacks, which means no war movies for me. My parents have to be careful about what they watch on TV when I’m around. I’m messed up, Jess. You deserve someone that can give you a perfect life, and I can’t do that.”

“It’s not like I’m asking for your hand in marriage. I just wanted to go to the movies and maybe dinner.”

“And then what? I’m not the kind of guy that starts something with a girl unless I think it’s going to go somewhere, and I don’t think you are either.”

“You’re overthinking this. We can start out slowly, see where things go.”

“And then one day you’ll decide that it’s too much. That you don’t want a guy with two missing legs and all the rest of my baggage.”

“Is that really the kind of person you think I am?” I waited for Justin to respond, but he didn’t. “I have a lot of baggage, too, you know.”

“A relationship with me wouldn’t be the same as one you would have with someone who isn’t handicapped the way I am. You’ll feel tied to me because of guilt. You won’t want to hurt me by telling me that it’s too much. You’ll stay with me because you feel like you have to. I’m not going to let you do that to yourself. You deserve better.”

“Wow. You’ve got this whole thing figured out, don’t you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m just saying that you can’t know that it’s going to happen like that. Maybe you’re going to be the one who breaks my heart. Maybe you’re going to decide you don’t want to date a girl like me.”