Back To Us (20 page)

“Okay, okay.” My brother sat down and I took the empty chair next to him.

“On Christmas Eve I took Mel out to dinner, somewhere really nice. You know how she likes Italian, right?”

I nodded.

“Anyway, I asked her while we were eating dessert. Tiramisu. And I’m pretty sure she had no idea. She acted really surprised.”

“Did she like the ring?”

“She loved it. And she said yes.”

“Of course she did.” Mike had shown me the ring about two weeks before Christmas. It was perfect. My brother, who seemed to have friends everywhere, knew someone who worked in the Diamond District. He got a good deal on an emerald cut stone and then just took it somewhere to be set. It looked as nice as anything I’d ever seen in the windows at Tiffany, but he’d paid a lot less than what they charged. I hugged Mike. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks, J.” Mike got up from the table after I released him from my embrace. “I feel like I can finally breathe again.”

“You didn’t really think she’d say no, did you?”

“I was a little worried,” Mike admitted.

“Have you guys set a date yet?” I asked, trying to hide the worry from my voice. Once Mike and Mel were married I was out a roommate and trying to find another would be hard. I couldn’t afford the rent on my own so I didn’t have many options.

“Not yet. I know you can’t pay for a place on your own yet, and you’ll be done with school in a year and a half. I think we’ll wait until then,” my brother replied, as if he’d just read my mind.

“I don’t want you to put your life on hold for me.”

“A year and a half isn’t that long. Mel and I can wait. Unless you think you might be able to move out sooner.”

“I don’t see that happening.”

“What about you and Justin?”

“We’ve been going out for four months, it’s a little too soon to be thinking about moving in together.”

“He can’t live with his parents forever, and the two of you are pretty serious aren’t you?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“It’s the ideal situation then. He’s afraid to be on his own, but now he has you. You can’t afford an apartment by yourself, so now you have him.”

“It’s not that simple, Mike.” Besides I hardly wanted to move in with someone because neither of us had any other good options.

“What’s the problem?”

“Besides the fact that Justin’s mom hates me? She’d probably put a hit out on me if Justin told her we were moving in together.”

Mike looked at me like I was exaggerating until I told him what I’d overheard Mrs. Lambert say to Justin about me on Christmas Eve. His eyes grew wide and he exclaimed, “That bitch!”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know. But that’s some fucked up shit right there.”
Just great,
I thought. If Mike had no advice to offer, I was basically screwed. He always seemed to know how to figure out a way around things. “And you’re telling me Justin doesn’t know you heard what his mother said about you?”

“No. I didn’t see any point in bringing it up. The situation is what it is.”

Justin and I never discussed his mother anymore. Whenever I thought about the way she felt about me, it was like a cloud hanging over my head, and I chose to ignore it in the hopes that somehow the problem would magically vanish.

But Justin’s birthday was approaching. In March he’d turn twenty-six, and we’d already planned to spend his birthday weekend together, until Justin’s mother decided she wanted to throw a party for him.

“I don’t think I should go,” I said after Justin told me about it. “We can just meet afterwards.”

“You’re my girlfriend, Jess. You can’t not come.”

“I’m pretty sure your mother would prefer if I didn’t.” Even though we hadn’t talked about her since Christmas, I knew a conversation about her was inevitable.

“Are you just never going to come to my apartment again?” Justin asked.

I nodded. “Pretty much, yeah.”

Justin sighed. “I know she hasn’t been the friendliest, but she’ll never come around if you hide from her.”

“I’m not hiding. And I really don’t think it’s fair for you to basically ask me to kiss her ass until she decides I’m good enough for you.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m not going, and that’s final. If you don’t want to spend the weekend with me, that’s fine.” I hated that Justin didn’t even try to see my point of view.

“C’mon, Jess. Don’t be like that.”

I felt embarrassed about my little outburst, especially because we were in a public place and there were people around that could possibly overhear the two of us arguing. It was an unseasonably warm March day and after months of cold, gray weather I was grateful for some warmth and sunshine so the two of us were enjoying a spring picnic in the park.

For a moment I was tempted to explain myself to Justin, but I changed my mind. He wouldn’t get it, he’d never understand things from my point of view.

Justin reached for my hand and laced his fingers through mine. “The truth is, I’m not in the mood for a party. I hate the attention and I’d much rather spend time with you alone.”

“You shouldn’t miss it because of me.”

“The only reason why I agreed to the stupid party in the first place was to make my mom happy. After everything she’s done for me, I don’t like letting her down.”

“You don’t owe her for taking care of you, that’s what mothers are supposed to do.” It was funny hearing those words come out of my mouth. I had a mother, but even though she was supposed to have taken care of me, she hadn’t. I sighed and slumped my shoulders as I realized how wrong what I’d just said was. “If it makes you happy, I’ll go to your party.”

“No.” Justin shook his head. “I don’t want a party. I don’t want to be stuck inside with a bunch of people asking me to tell them war stories, and that’s always how it is when my mother throws one of her get-togethers. I’ll just tell her we already had plans.”

“You sure?”

Justin nodded. “I’m sure.”

On the Friday before his birthday, Justin left work early to pick me up. After we checked into our hotel room the two of us walked across the street to Central Park. The weather was still gorgeous, sunny and warm with just a slight breeze that made the branches of the trees sway.  As the sun began to set, the wind picked up speed and I regretted leaving my jacket behind as it started to get chilly. A strong breeze left me with goose bumps on my arms.

“C’mon,” Justin said noticing that I was getting cold. “Let’s get something to eat.”

We walked a little farther until we reached Tavern on the Green. The restaurant was packed inside and out, which would have normally meant a long wait, but we were led right away to an empty table.

“I made reservations,” Justin explained as the two of us were seated.

I sighed. “You weren’t supposed to do that. It’s your birthday. . .”

“Exactly. And what I want for my birthday is another weekend with you.”

Justin seemed perfectly happy with the way things were, but I couldn’t help but to feel bad about a whole list of things. It was his birthday, and he was the one taking me to dinner. I couldn’t have afforded a dinner at Tavern on the Green for one, much less for the both of us, and knowing that made me feel like crap.

“Is this your first time here?” Justin asked.

“Are you kidding me?”

Sometimes it threw me how little Justin understood about the way I lived. I looked around the restaurant as the two of us waited for our dinner. The inside was huge and outside there was a patio with even more seating. I liked the chandeliers and the artfully strung lights and as we waited for the waiter to return with our orders I imagined Mike and Melanie having their reception here.

“They have weddings here, don’t they?”

“Uhhh, yeah. Why are you asking?”

“I was just thinking about Mike.”

“Oh, yeah, right,” Justin said. “So when’s the big day anyway?”

“They haven’t set a date. I think my brother’s gonna wait until I graduate since I can’t really afford another place right now.” 

“How many times have I told you I’d help you out?”

“And I told you I’m not letting you pay my rent,” I said. “Unless. . .” I stopped myself from continuing, but it was too late, Justin was going to want to know what I had on my mind.

“Unless what?”

I crossed and uncrossed my ankles, which were thankfully hidden under the table so Justin couldn’t see how nervous I was about the question I was about to ask. “I was just thinking, maybe one day, we could get a place together.” My face flushed after the words came out. Justin was supposed to be asking me, not the other way around. When I saw the frozen look on his face I immediately regretted opening my big mouth.

“Are you serious?”

“Well, I don’t mean right now. I’m just saying at some point.”

“I don’t know, Jess. I’d love nothing more than to wake up next to you every morning, but. . .” Justin shook his head. I waited for an explanation to come, but it didn’t.

“You can’t live at home forever, Justin.”

“Of course, I know that. I just don’t think being on my own is something I can consider right now, though.”

“Why not? Plenty of amputees live on their own. And you wouldn’t really be on your own, you’d have me.”

Justin looked at me stone-faced. “Everything is harder for me now, Jess. Just because I don’t talk about it doesn’t mean it’s not real.”

“I could help you with those things.”

“I don’t want to feel like my girlfriend is taking care of me.”

“But it’s okay for you to try and take care of me? That doesn’t seem fair.”

“That’s different. I’m a guy. I’m supposed to be taking care of you.” His face still hadn’t softened.

“What are you so afraid is going to happen, anyway?”

“Do we really have to talk about this right now?” I could hear anger edging into Justin’s voice. He wasn’t the only one getting upset. There was a whole list of things I wanted to say, but I didn’t want to start our weekend together fighting, especially because it was Justin’s birthday. Still, it was hard to just forget that I’d brought up the idea of moving in together and Justin had basically said no.

I tried tucking my hurt feelings away. When we got to our hotel room I took a shower hoping the hot water would relax me, but alone in the bathroom all I could think about was the conversation I’d had earlier with Justin. There was no way things would work between us if Justin didn’t learn to trust me enough to be there for him when things got hard, which made me wonder where our relationship was headed. The rational part of my brain told me that we’d only been together for seven months, and there was no reason to rush things—I’d done that before and wound up regretting it. Eventually Justin would come around and see that I was willing to take the bad with the good, and I wouldn’t go running in the opposite direction when things got hard.

By the time I was dressed in my pajamas I felt a little better. Better enough that I was able to paste a smile on my face as I walked out of the bathroom. I would not ruin Justin’s birthday, no matter how bruised my ego was.

Justin was sitting up in bed, his back against the headboard. “Can you come here?” he asked. I scooted next to him on the bed. He put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head.

“Lie down,” he whispered in my ear.

I looked at him quizzically, not sure what he had in mind.

“Just do it.”

I lowered myself down onto my back. “Not that way,” Justin said nudging me. I turned over so I was lying on my stomach. He got up and sat beside me, brushed my hair aside with his hand, and kissed the nape of my neck. My body tingled. Justin lifted my shirt over my head so my back was exposed and started to massage my shoulders. His hands were strong and I felt the tension melt away. He kneaded the muscles in my back gently, and when he was done he kissed the spots that his hands had rubbed. When his tongue grazed over my skin I felt goose bumps rising on my flesh. I managed to turn around and then I wrapped my hands around the nape of his neck.

“It’s your birthday.” I stared into his handsome brown eyes. “I’m supposed to be the one spoiling you.”

“I feel spoiled whenever I’m around you.” Justin pressed his lips to mine. “Besides, I like making you feel good.”

“I know something else you can do to make me feel good,” I breathed in his ear. Justin kissed me again.

“So do I.” He slid my underwear down and kissed me between my legs.

“Oh, Justin,” I moaned and tried to pull him up.

“Not yet, my love.” He kept kissing me, over and over in ways I’d never been kissed before until I felt like I’d go crazy if I didn’t have him inside me. I stopped worrying about where our relationship was headed. The only thing I thought about was the here and now and how alive and complete I felt when I was with him.

Afterward we lay in each other’s arms. Justin stroked the soft pale skin on the inside of my arm. “I don’t know how I got to be so lucky.” It sounded like he was talking to himself.

“I’m the lucky one.”

“No. No you’re not.” Justin got real quiet after that.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Why are you so quiet?”

“I’m just thinking.”