Back To Us (11 page)

Justin laughed. “I doubt there’s a man out there that wouldn’t want to date a girl like you.”

“You don’t.”

“Jess, you deserve someone better than me.”

“So what are you saying exactly because I feel like we’re going around in circles?”

“That if your offer of friendship is still on the table, I’ll take it.”

I bit down on my lower lip hard and fought back against the frustration I felt start to build. It was hard to be angry when I could tell how torn up Justin was. I wanted to argue with him, convince him that I didn’t care about his legs, but I could tell his mind was made up. He’d made things so impossible for me. Now that I knew he had feelings for me it would make being around him that much harder. I didn’t think I could do it.

“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head. I picked up my bag from the desk and started to walk away. It felt like there were no more words left to say. Nothing made sense. Justin called my name, but I kept walking. The whole way home I tried making sense out of my conversation with Justin. He didn’t want to date me because he thought I deserved someone who didn’t come with the kind of baggage he had. But did that mean he never intended to get involved with anyone? I didn’t see how that was possible, was he just going to give up on the idea of falling in love one day? Or was it just me he couldn’t get close to? By the time I made it home I hadn’t come up with any answers that made sense, but I did have two text messages from Justin.

Please call me

I replied -
Can’t, at a friend’s and its loud here

Talking to Justin was something I couldn’t bring myself to do at that moment. I just didn’t want to get back on the rollercoaster anymore.

My brother arrived home an hour after I did, which was weird because he hardly ever came home on Friday nights, and when he did Mel was usually with him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked as he walked inside.

“Just came by to take a shower.”  He headed in the direction of the bathroom and then stopped to turn around and ask, “Mel and I are going out for drinks. Wanna come?”

“Yes!”

My bother gave me an inquisitive look. He probably hadn’t expected such an animated response from me, but going out for drinks was the perfect distraction I needed to take my mind off Justin.

While my brother showered I went to look through my closet for something to wear. I chose a red silky top and a short denim skirt. Sexy, but not overly so. I was in the mood for some attention since Justin’s rejection had managed to tank my ego, but I didn’t want to spend the night swatting hands away from my ass.

The bar was in the city so we took the train to get there. We met Mel in front. It wasn’t a place I’d ever been to before and I crossed my fingers that no one would ID me. Usually I had no trouble getting into places. Luckily, my brother knew one of the bouncers in the front and he waved us through. The bar was crowded and the music was thumping. Mel, my brother and I were able to find a table. The music was loud so I shouted across the table.

“I’m going to get a drink, any of you want anything.”

“Don’t worry about us,” my brother said. “I was going to order some drinks in a few minutes, but you go ahead.”

I scooted out of my chair and found a seat around the bar. I sat there wondering what I was in the mood for when a drink was placed in front of me. The bartender pointed to some guy sitting a few feet away. He smiled and waved. In the dim lighting of the bar it was hard to see him well, but he looked kind of cute, not really my type, but still cute. I took a sip of the drink. Long Island iced tea. Which meant he was probably trying to get me drunk. That didn’t bother me, I knew how to handle myself. The guy who bought me the drink got up and walked over to me. He stuck his hand out and I shook it.

“My name’s Brian,” he shouted into my ear.

“I’m Jessica.”

“It’s nice to meet you. I saw you when you came in. For a second I thought that guy you were with was your boyfriend.”

“He’s my brother.”

“Oh, perfect.”

I sipped my drink while looking at Brian out of the corner of my eye. He kept sweeping back his hair from his forehead like he was nervous, which for some reason made me feel like laughing.

“You live around here?” he asked, leaning in again so that I could hear him. He smelled good. A lot of guys overdid it when it came to cologne, but his was just right.

“No. In Brooklyn.”

“Cool,” he said. “You want to get a table?”

“Ok.”

Brian took my hand and led me to an empty table. After I finished my drink he ordered another. I was already starting to feel tipsy, with Long Island iced teas it didn’t take many to get me there, but I didn’t care. Brian was keeping my mind off Justin and helping repair my broken ego. Maybe Justin wasn’t interested in me, but Brian definitely was. The drunker the two of us got, the more forward Brian became. First it was brushing my hair back over my shoulder. Then he moved closer to me and put his arm over my shoulder. Finally he moved in for a kiss. I kissed him back, but his lips weren’t soft like Justin’s. His kiss was rough and strange and didn’t make me feel even a fraction of what I had when I’d kissed Justin only a few hours before. Even in my drunken haze it felt wrong, like I was cheating on Justin, which was stupid because he wasn’t my boyfriend. He’d never be my boyfriend. The weight of my thoughts came crashing down on me, and I pulled away from Brian.

“I need to go find my brother.”

Brian looked surprised. “Oh, okay. You’re coming back though, right?”

“Yeah,” I said, even though it was a lie. I got up and made my way to the table where Mel and my brother were sitting.

“I’m going home,” I shouted to my brother.

“You sure? You and skater boy over there looked pretty cozy.”

I scowled at my brother. “Yeah, I’m sure. I’ll see you whenever.”

I made my way outside without Brian noticing and headed for the nearest train station. That was one thing I loved about New York. You could get anywhere at any time of the day. There was no need to worry about a designated driver. Riding the train home at practically midnight and half-drunk might’ve seemed crazy to some people, but I’d learned how to take care of myself. That’s what happened when your parents decided to dump you before you even started high school. Sink or swim, and I was one of the best swimmers I knew.

I hadn’t been able to drink enough to wash away the sting of Justin’s rejection. The words
not good enough
rang in my head as I rode the train home. Of course I wasn’t. I had never been good enough. If I had been, my life would’ve been so different. I wouldn’t have spent my teenage years sleeping with one eye open just in case some girl I’d managed to piss off in the group home made good on a threat to chop my hair off in my sleep. Nobody deserved to live like that, but I had, and instead of the alcohol making me forget, it was making me think about things I tried very hard to bury.

When I got off at my stop and climbed the steps out of the train station I retrieved my phone from my purse and dialed Justin’s number. I was just drunk enough that my common sense didn’t stop me. He answered on the first ring.

“I was hoping you’d call.”

I laughed, and knew I sounded like a drunken fool.

“You okay?”

“Me? I’m more than okay.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Nooo,” I said, knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to fool him.

“Where are you right now?”

“On my way home.”

“With who?”

“With me.”

“Are you crazy? You’re walking home alone at night and you’re drunk?”

“First of all, I’m a big girl, and I can take care of myself.”

“But, your neighborhood.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. It is kind of a ghetto,” I said mockingly.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I didn’t call you so you could act like my father. I had one of those already, and I’m not looking for another.”

“Then why did you call?”

“To tell you okay. If you want to be friends, then that’s what we’ll be. . .friends.”

“Jess. . .”

“Jessica, my name’s Jessica. That’s what my friends call me.” I hung up before Justin could get in another word. I felt like an idiot. Why the hell had I just called him? I usually was smarter than that, even after a few drinks.

Justin called back, but I didn’t answer. By the time I made it inside my apartment he’d called me three more times. When I didn’t answer, he texted.

Just text me when you get home, so I know you’re okay.

A part of me didn’t want to. I wanted him to worry. But the more reasonable side of me was starting to come back as the Long Island iced teas wore off.

I’m home, see you Monday.

I woke up with another wicked headache. That was the second time in a week I’d gotten drunk, and I felt kind of crummy about it. I also felt crummy about kissing a total stranger. After finally dragging myself out of bed and into the shower, I ate a piece of toast and headed to the laundromat where I spent most of the rest of the morning. With classes starting in another few weeks I’d need books, so I took a walk over to my university bookstore to find what I’d need for the fall semester. Between waking up late, spending my morning doing laundry and the forty minute one-way walk to the bookstore, by the time I got home later, most of Saturday was already gone.

The weekend flew by, and before I knew it, I was already back at work. I greeted Justin in the hallway on my way in, but didn’t stop to talk. He found me in the break room during lunch and sat beside me as I ate.

“So you want to tell me how you came to be walking home alone at night while you were drunk?”

“Didn’t I tell you I didn’t need a father?” This was not the conversation I was in the mood to be having. It was his fault in the first place, but I could hardly tell him that without sounding like a pathetic loser.

“I’m not trying to be your father.”

“If you must know, I went out for drinks with my brother.”

“Wait a minute. You’re not even twenty-one, that’s totally illegal. And your brother is okay with this?”

“Are you serious? You’re not actually trying to tell me you never had a drink until you were twenty-one, are you?”

“No, but. . .”

“And as for my brother, he isn’t a judgmental person.” I shrugged my shoulders. “If it makes me happy, he doesn’t care what I do.”

“Aren’t bartenders supposed to be asking for ID?”

There was no way Justin could be that clueless. “Maybe you don’t find me attractive, but plenty of other people do.” I regretted saying those words the minute they came out. I was trying to get a rise out of Justin—it looked like my plan was working, but I felt bad about it.

“First of all, you know perfectly well I find you attractive,” Justin said, his voice controlled. “And second of all, do you really think it’s a good idea letting strangers buy you drinks? What if someone tried to slip something in your drink?”

“You must think I’m stupid or something. I know better than to take my eyes off my drink.”

“I guess you have an answer for everything,” Justin said. “But can you do me a favor then?”

“What’s that?”

“If you decide to go out drinking and walking the streets at night alone, don’t call me.”

“That doesn’t sound like a very friendly thing to say,
friend
.”

Justin reached for my wrist and held it firmly. I looked into his eyes, he was staring at me intently. “I was half out of my mind with worry. What if someone mugged you, or tried to rape you?”

“I already told you I know how to take care of myself.”

“You can tell me that a hundred times, it won’t stop me from worrying. So if you don’t want me getting in a cab and searching the streets of Brooklyn for you, don’t call, because next time you do, I
will
come looking for you.”

Justin had managed to make me feel guilty, and irritated. I felt bad that I’d made him worry, and angry because if he really cared that much then why wouldn’t he change his mind about the two of us being together.

“Why do you care what I do?”

“Because. . .”

“That’s right,” I said, cutting him off. “Because we’re
friends.
” The word friends sounded like it was something awful as it rolled off my tongue.

“Jess, c’mon.”

“Fine. No more drunk calls, I promise.” I freed myself form his grasp and stood up. “I gotta get back to work.

I could feel Justin’s eyes on me as I walked away and turned to get one last quick look at him. He looked sad, and for a moment I was tempted to run back over to him and ask him what I could do, but I knew better. He was always at his most guarded when he had that look in his eyes.

As the days passed an uneasy sadness settled over me. I woke up in the mornings with a heavy feeling in my chest that didn’t really go away until I was well into my workday. I was going to miss my work at the community center and the friends I made there. Even Don, who I still sometimes caught sneaking looks at my ass when I walked by him. I kept telling myself that when classes started again I’d be too busy to miss anyone, but by the time my last day at work rolled around, I still hadn’t convinced myself.

I woke up early to give myself a few extra minutes to dress up. I rummaged through my closet finally settling on a peach-colored dress with white dots that cinched at my waist. After taming my hair, I put on a little extra makeup, some eyeliner and shadow instead of sticking with my usual lip gloss only look.

I felt weird as I arrived at work, like it wasn’t really my last day. As usual I was greeted by Don who lifted his head from a magazine as I passed his desk.

“You look real nice.”

“Thanks,” I replied before heading to my classroom. I tutored three students in the morning. My last one was Linnea, who, coincidentally, had also been the first student I tutored when I started the job in June. Before we were done I jotted my number down on a piece of paper.

“Look, if you need anything, a letter of recommendation, some more help with math, just call me, okay?”

Linnea stared at me for a second and then threw her arms around me. “I’m gonna miss you, Ms. Jesse.”